Where Are My Sisters?
Holley, Lainie, and I took the challenge from Amber at the run-a-muck to host a Sister Party. How difficult could it be to gather skin friends for a fun evening after all?
We decided to plan three weeks in advance, bribe them with a chocolate fountain, and even offer a little early Christmas shopping from (in)courage as well as incredibly creative women like Mandy and Lindsey (go check them out!). Who could resist. . . much less say "no"?!
Almost all of my friends, that's who.
After the first party last Friday I had another one--the pity kind.
Bubbling up from time to time, usually after my birthday or a weekend when my husband is chasing bambi in the woods, I ask, 'Why don't I have any friends? Why don't women like me?"
(I know it's drastic. . . and I don't truly believe women hate me or that I don't have a friend on the planet, but it 'feels' that way more often as I get older.)
Confused, the list making begins. Is it because...
I'm too busy? They're too busy? They think I'm too busy? I don't have kids yet? I work too much? I'm not fun enough? I'm confident? I'm scary? They think I don't need a friend (I admit I'm not usually not the 'needy' one in a group of women, but still.)? Or is it really just that darn swine flu?
Why is making friends, real friends, so difficult?
Despite the challenges, I'm committed to figuring out friendships. I know what it's like to laugh so hard you cry over a good chai, to share ups and downs, to connect in the God-way with a girlfriend. And I'm not willing to give that up.
So let's talk about this, sisters...do you ever experience this? What's the secret to your friendships?
I find myself feeling like this very often -- almost daily, I will admit. And it isn't just me. I've worked in Women's Ministry long enough that there are really alot of women who look like they have it all together, have tons of friends, etc., that sit in our churches every Sunday morning and feel as alone as can be!
I'm not an introvert. I'm not snobby. I'm not disloyal or one you can't trust. And yet, I wake up many mornings saying, "I just wish I had a friend."
And do you know what made this feeling worse? Being on facebook! (I'm not anymore.) Because I would log in feeling alone and desperately wanting friendship only to see that THE social network said I had 318 FRIENDS! And yet very few I could actually say were FRIENDS! I had FRIENDS on my list who wouldn't speak to me if they saw me at Target. What is up with that?!?
I'll be tuning in to this discussion. It's perplexing to say the least!
Blessings,
Dori
Posted by: Dori Cook | 11/01/2009 at 05:59 AM
Thank you for writing this blog.
Yep, I've felt like that and at the present time constently feel like that. I do remember back to different places I've lived and the real friends I have had. The kind that I could count on, could do things with, laugh and cry together. The ones that weren't too busy to hang out, go shopping with or talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes.
What happened was I moved (several times) and years and time took their toll. I ache for those days again. For where I am now it's a slow building of friendships, and I have what I would call aquaintances. If I find just one real friend here, 3,000 miles from where I last lived, I will feel blessed.
Dori, I'm praying for you and the blessings of a friend.
Bless,
Mary
Posted by: Mary | 11/01/2009 at 06:45 AM
I see two other people feel the same way. I think I could say that I have lots of "acquaintances," but not many friends. I'm in a MOPS group with around 80 other women. I know most of them, I can smile and say hi and greet them if I'm out and about. But I seem to be the last one who's invited to do things like go shopping, grab coffee, hang out, etc. I know we're all busy with children and life, but it does hurt to know that I'm the odd one out. I have to agree with Dori about Facebook. Logging on there is just a visual reminder that I get left out. I log on and see status updates from various "friends" about fun stuff they've been out doing together. I'd be happy with just one or two close friends that I could really share things with, as opposed to 80 superficial, surface relationships....
Posted by: Amanda | 11/01/2009 at 07:18 AM
Oh I get this. I cycle in and out of these insecurities often. There are days it is really hard for me to feel loved by anyone because jealousy and fear have filled my heart and wrapped me up in their terrible embrace. Even last night I behaved in a jealous manner towards my hsuband, and there was no reason. Sometimes I think I am just too demanding, and I fear what the hormones will do to me once I begin menopause. *ack* Even the friends I do have may stay clear then!!
Posted by: stacey | 11/01/2009 at 07:22 AM
I get this too. Stephanie, I think you likely hit a nerve. Perhaps all women feel this way sometimes. I know I do. I know my friends do. What is it??? Is the girl-stuff left over from junior high? Is it the busyness (I think that is big). Is it the way we seek connection in cyberspace that lessens the felt need for real in-person friends? I have had the back-door type friends before. The kind you get together with to share leftovers for dinner. The kind the house is messy for. The kind who you can say--come shopping with me, I need your opinion. Those are much harder to find these days...hmmm.
I've also had the birthdays when even if I had a party--I wouldn't know who to invite. :(
I'm learning these things:
1) don't give up! It's worth the effort.
2) BE a friend. Eyes off myself and be a friend, invest in others, don't tally who initiates what, etc. (such a girly thing). Invite someone to coffee, write a note, give a compliment or hug. Offer to listen. Son't do it to get friendship out of it--do it to love others. Not all of those efforts result in friendship...so don't get discouraged. Know you've blessed someone else.
3) Don't make to quick a judgement on who to be friends with--they don't have to be in same stage of life, or dress like you, or whatever else you rule people out on.
4) Make time in your life. Find a way to add margin. That way, when someone needs you or invites you to something last minute...you have a chance of actually saying yes.
5) Not everyone is going to click with everyone! It's OK. I
Sorry for the sermon--should have done my own blog post on this. :)
Posted by: dawn | 11/01/2009 at 08:33 AM
Stephanie!!
Great to *see* you! and yes, you hit the nail on the head with this article. And, it happens all-around, even with the married, moms, and singles. I have not only felt this, but, like you, wondered: "what gives? We need one another, right?"
After reflection on my close friends, I realized that my closest relationships have been built over time, through like interests, with women that for some reason or another: work, church, mommy class, etc, we were put together for an extended period of time. Once those variables change (we move away, class ends, new job), sometimes those relationships change. I have always been the initiator of friendships, and because of that, unless I initiate building the friendship, I realize that it may rarely happen. There are few women in the world this who wake up and say, "You know what, I'm gonna build a great friendship with [insert your name here] today." Because we need the in-depth talks, the cries over chai tea, both people or all friends in the friendship have gotta take the time to build it. And sadly, some of us women always meet the needs of family (husbands, kids) and boyfriends over those relationships, so we don't make the time.
My cure: I propel myself into relationship-building groups (like MOPS), classes (like yoga), and clubs (like poetry or book clubs). If I have a friendship that I wanna build, I ask my girlfriend to take the class with me or go with me. I take care to understand that my girlfriend relationships are not built over night, but over years, and my hope is to have the patience to build the true friendships that will last.
Posted by: Pamela | 11/01/2009 at 08:38 AM
You have hit a mark with all women, and you are so right, as we get older it seems it only seems to get harder to stay connected and feel like we have friendships. I know for me, when I had a job where I traveled and was gone so much I thought that was the reason I had trouble connecting, but since I have left that job and remained in town, it doesn't seem to change. I get frustrated and wonder the same, Why don't people like me? Then I realize that I have to put forth effort and make the connections on my own, and finding common ground with others is a start. Thank you for your authentic heart with this subject!
Posted by: Susan | 11/01/2009 at 09:39 AM
Oh yes! I feel the same way. I have always been a loyal and steadfast friend to others and an exhorter. I had a dear friend for almost 25 years who moved away and just did not want to keep our friendship going. I worked hard to stay in touch but finally gave up.
It truly does seem to get harder as we get older. I really don't know how to go about making new friends other than getting involved in groups with similar interests. I think it just takes time and the confidence to know that there is nothing wrong with me.
Often, I have heard that in order to make a friend, one has to be a friend. Well, I have done that many times, to no avail. I have given up and decided that having acquaintances and not having close friends is all that matters. I have prayed about this many times and just figured that the Lord has His reasons for setting up a solitary life for me.
However, I have done one thing about it. Instead of sitting around feeling miserable, I have decided to stand up, get going, and not treat others the way that I have been treated. I worked hard, learned to set up a website, and am continuing to encourage others. Hopefully, good will come to pass.
Posted by: Tasarwen | 11/01/2009 at 10:01 AM
What if it feels like its always you making the effort, always you who needs friends when others already have them?
Is it wanting the impossible to want the kind of close friendships I had with people at uni? Now I feel like all I can make is acquantainces.
Posted by: Gem | 11/01/2009 at 10:51 AM
What a blessing to log-on this morning and read your post. I have been struggling with this topic lately, and what a blessing God placed this on your heart to write about and is giving others the courage to post their thoughts as well to encourage us all.
Being 31 and single, my friends mean the world to me. Yet, I don't feel that I relate to them because they are married with kids and are apart of mom groups that meet and single women aren't included. I tried a few weeks ago to get a group of us together, but it failed because of soccer, football, cheer schedules or other family related events. I am not downing marriage and family, but where do us single gals fit in with friends? I am the card-sender, late night phone call, drive to your home in case of emergency, keep the kids in a pinch, always there girl... yet I miss my friends.
I am so encouraged to be apart of this discussion and am eager to log back on later tonight and read through the responses. I am committing myself to pray for each person who responds tonight. May God bless you and your transparency in sharing your heart!
Posted by: Paige | 11/01/2009 at 10:53 AM
Wow, this is exactly where I am in my life right now. I have had a very "complicated" life, so to speak.. abuse and other things have caused me to not trust anyone enough to really have true friends. Lately, however, I've been dealing with my past issues and learning how to be a friend. And I've realized that it is exactly that.. a learning process.
Posted by: Kayla | 11/01/2009 at 11:02 AM
This is another of those times when I felt like I was the only one--only to see how many other women struggle with loneliness. It helps just knowing others feel the same way I do. It'll be interesting to see the responses and ideas about how to alleviate it. I guess t-shirts would be a bit too obvious, huh?
Posted by: Beverly @ The Buzz | 11/01/2009 at 12:46 PM
T shirts sounds a great idea to me
Posted by: Gem | 11/01/2009 at 12:54 PM
Stephanie, thank you for touching on a topic that so many of us can relate to. I feel so connected to this topic.
I have often felt the loneliness of being new, unnoticed or different. Sometimes, finding myself there unintentionally by neglecting my relationships with my girlfriends as I busily run about my life - working, focusing on MY things, worrying MY worries, wondering where everyone else went. Other times, the friends in my circle have had changes in their lives that morphed our relationships.
I wish there was an easy, quick answer to solve this for us. The truth is that nurturing, full relationships take time to build. I think we need to start small. I like to think of building friendships like gardening. Sowing seeds of friendship whenever & where ever we can knowing that not all will take hold and not all will grow in the ways we expect.
I know that paying attention and focusing on my new friendships is required to have them flourish. These relationships also require time to go along with the effort.
I have come to realize that I can look to multiple friends to serve different needs in my life. As much as I would love 1 or 2 people who can be all things in friendship for me, I am learning to value my new and budding friendships for what they offer me and the person I'm spending time with.
This is a great topic and I appreciate the dialog it has sparked. I have lots to consider this afternoon.
Blessings!
Paula
Posted by: Paula Jean | 11/01/2009 at 12:57 PM
I hear you! I often feel like everyone else knows some secret I don't to making friends, being the one people choose to gather with, not having to be the one who always initiates. Glad to know I am not alone.
Posted by: Missy K | 11/01/2009 at 01:04 PM
I get this, to, Steph and I think we all feel this way at one time or another. I am sure that everyone had some sort of small conflict, but know that I would have been there, baby!!! Wish I was closer and I would even come over to eat leftover chocolate today.
Hugs!
Hillary
Posted by: Hillary @ The Other Mama | 11/01/2009 at 01:12 PM
I struggle with this as well. I used to be the planner, party hostess, etc. I was the one who called up friends to go have coffee or dinner. Everyone came to our house when it was holiday or special event. The invitations were gladly accepted but they were never returned. All of my adult life I have felt left out, lonely, and friendless. My husband is wonderful, but a girlfriend to laugh with, share ideas with would be nice. I've lived in this town for 11 years, and have acquaintances but no real friends. I am a stay at home mom, too, so I am not "too busy." I don't know what I am doing wrong.
Posted by: JAnnB | 11/01/2009 at 01:47 PM
Having just moved to a new area (well, 6 months now), I did step out and go to a Women's Bible Study at the church we are 'mostly' committed to. It's hard to find a new church in a new area, especially when you compare your church of 40 years to every one you step into. The one we are going to now is very good and the music, preaching and ministries are very enticing. As for friendships? I sure do miss my best friend and other friends in our old place, but we are only 3 hours away, so we can get together once in awhile. My best friend and I have made a point to email, text, call and figure out creative ways to get together and that has kept us together.But as for here, I've made some friends, but no one has popped up as one to hang out with or even really call once in awhile. I have been feeling a little lonely in that way. I don't have a job, but I'm really starting to think about maybe doing some volunteering at the church--not too much because I'm easily burned out if I try to do everything. But I'm trying to figure out, with God's guidance, where to volunteer, and perhaps, there will be someone on the team I can connect with. It could be a start.
Posted by: Robbin | 11/01/2009 at 02:00 PM
This post came at just the right time. I'm feeling the same way this weekend - a little lost and lonely. For me, an almost 30 single gal, it is difficult being in the in-between stage...not yet married or with children and not in the younger, live-it-up lifestyle. I've spent much of the day in tears feeling like I just don't fit in but it strengthens my heart a little knowing I'm not alone in not feeling like I'm really connected with anyone at the moment.
Posted by: Brooke | 11/01/2009 at 02:15 PM
There is nothing like girlfriends.
And I too have often wondered things like, "Am I not fun?", "Do I get on people's nerves?", "Does anyone care?" I think we have all felt that at times. I've moved around a lot....and I've learned to seek out friendships...but sometimes it is nice to have friendships seek out you, isn't it?
To keep my friendships alive....I never underestimate the power of the written word. I send cards through snail mail a lot...the old fashioned way. I even send them to my friends who live near by. Who doesn't enjoy getting something in the mail besides bills!?! Sometimes..the gesture is never returned. And that is okay....it makes me feel like I've reached out just to let my friends know I'm thinking of them. I also like to invite friends over for dinner and stuff....it is something I enjoy. However, just like someone else commented...few people return the offer. I've learned that some people just aren't comfortable or just don't have the time to have people over for meals and stuff. And that is okay, too :)
When I was little...it seemed like friendships just happened....It's true that they take work now.....and it's true that people are harder to stay close to these days. Weird how that happens.
Another thing that makes me stay close to my buddies???...Facebook :)
Great post :)
Blessings,
Kate :)
Posted by: Kate | 11/01/2009 at 02:16 PM
I'm amazed at how many of us feel this way. I'm 62 and still feel alone...except for my beloved husband. I get lots of hugs at church and no one turns down an invitation to lunch. However, no one calls me!! The women's ministry always stresses "bringing your girl friends" along to meetings. It really just makes me feel left out as I don't have someone to bring! I have heard that God is restoring relationships among women, but so far it hasn't happened to me. I raised 5 kids and they and their spouses like me. I used to have lots of friends. I'm not sure what happened or when life changed that we are now so isolated. Any suggestions?
Posted by: Susan Keich | 11/01/2009 at 02:38 PM
It's so encouraging (in a funny sort of way) that so many of us feel like this. It seems the only person I can really be comfortable with and hang out with is my husband and as much as I love that there is something really special about having a great bond with a woman. Even someone to call on in an emergency to babysit would be such a blessing (we do have a great family but again when it comes to forging friendships that sometimes doesn't seem quite the same). I don't know why these connections seem so elusive and why it seems like everyone else has a bff and we just tag along dying to be invited (or even just not have our own invitation rejected). However I wonder how authentic I actually am in this area. Am I someone who seems to have the whole friendship thing together to the outside world? Probably. How many of us are there in hiding!?!?!
Posted by: Wynn | 11/01/2009 at 04:05 PM
I tell my husband the same thing all the time.."Why Don't I have any friends?"...
I spent alot of time thinking about this as well. I miss the companionship of a good girlfriend. But as I looked around older ladies I know, they have the same problem. Work, kids, husband, and distance has caused this. It's hard to find time for everything. So as time went on I or they became distant and it ended the relationship.
I now have a hard time finding someone my age to have the girl time with. Our church is small and the person closest to me in age is 10 years older so we cannot connect to much age difference. At work is the same way.
I tried a local mommy club but they only did stuff during the day for stay at home moms and since I work I had a hard time getting to the playdates.
I would love to know how to get out there more or find friends local.
Posted by: Char | 11/01/2009 at 04:14 PM
oh I am so glad to know I am not the only one who feels this way. I am in mid forties, work, and live in the country where finding a friend close by is hard at best and yet I think how come I never get asked to do things with those at work or church. It makes me sad but I also just keep trying by making the effort and I have a blog online and try to encourage others. I love my hubby dearly and spending some time for me but there are times when I so long for that girlfriend I could just hang out with and share everything with over a cup of tea. This has been most interesting to read and I will sure be praying for us all
Posted by: Tammy | 11/01/2009 at 05:33 PM
Just a few weeks ago I looked at my husband and said "I have no friends. What's wrong with me?" And he said he has no friends either, but he doesn't care as much.
Truthfully, we have lots of friends. Lots and lots. But we get lonely. And they live their lives and we live ours and then it feels...friendless.
Then I spent time with some old college girlfriends at a wedding last weekend and *poof* I remembered my friends from days past. The ones I lived with. The ones who knew me when. And we laughed. And we cried, too...because it was good to be together. But mostly, because we are never together anymore.
Posted by: emily | 11/01/2009 at 07:14 PM