I smiled to myself as I walked out of my favorite bagel shop with only a coffee in hand and saw my vehicle. There was my Saturn Vue, complete with a Christian school magnet adorning the back hatch. Commuter mug, SUV, private school. If you saw me hop in the car and speed off to work, you would assume I was the epitome of a suburban soccer mom who has it all.
Except you would be totally wrong.
I bought only coffee that morning, because I am watching my budget, and my weight, and had to cut back on bagels. And really, I should have had plenty of time to make my own coffee at home, because I don’t have a husband to iron shirts for or children to get ready for school. A teacher friend gave me the car sticker to her academy because she had an extra one.
And let’s be honest, I don’t even like soccer.
Whether anyone sees my mug, my vehicle, and my bumper magnet and creates a cliché out of my life, I’ll probably never know. But whether I do that to other people, whether I hear their accent or see their manicured nails or even watch the way they speak to their husbands and assume I know everything about them, is a question I have been asking myself since.
Life certainly does seem a lot simpler if I can just lump people, especially women, into a few categories. There would be the recent graduate, the new wife, the young mother, the soccer mom (of course), the working mom, the young single, the life-time single, the empty-nester, the grandmother, the widow, the divorcee, the retiree. See, simple.
Simple in the same way that junior high is simple, that is.
Because every time I look at a fellow sister and make assumptions about her based on just one thing, I have devalued and demeaned the complexities of her life. Even if I can guess a lot about a woman just because of her appearance, her life holds no less value, and is no more simple, than mine.
I also might miss out on a great opportunity for friendship if I assume that I have nothing in common with someone in a category different than my own. I have several friends who, like me, are single, have no kids, and work full-time. But I also have friends who are married with children, friends who are retired and widowed. Friends who work at jobs all day, and friends who work at home all day. Aging friends who live with their children, and friends whose junior high kids still think I’m cool.
Not that I care about stuff like that.
In some ways, I wish my life were just a cliché, that I was a soccer mom who had it all. I never dreamed at age 40 that I would still be single, that cancer would leave me unable to bear children, or that I would still sometimes struggle to make ends meet.
But even if I were a soccer mom, my life would still be complicated and difficult at times, filled with the twists and turns that make us all interesting and beautiful.
Plus, I would probably have to actually watch soccer and like it. And at this point in life, it just doesn’t seem worth it.
By Charity Singleton of Wide Open Spaces
Leave a Comment
Grace {Hope} says
Thank you for flagging something God has been nudging my spirit with lately.. my judgementalness! its crept up on me without really seeing and now im worse than i have been in a long time.. no idea how that happened.. but i am now lookin clearly at the ugly face of it, of me and gonna not put it off any longer but deal with it! thank you once again, for allowing God to work through you to touch others..
you are beautiful and interesting 🙂
may God bless you richly x
Charity Singleton says
Grace {Hope} –
Thank you for reminding us how easy it is for this judgmentalness to be in us without us even being aware. For me, it really is pride and selfishness. And you’re right, it’s ugly to look at in ourselves.
Blessings,
Charity
Marilyn Yocum says
I like this very much!
“I am not a stereotype” – the cry of so many.
To be able to really see a person,
to be open to seeing,
to hearing,
to knowing,
to resist the urge
to assume,
to sum up,
to tie someone up with a neat ribbon
and set aside,
then calling it “relating”
and puzzling over feelings of isolation.
May God
set us free
from the labeling and stereotyping
that causes us to miss
the gift of each other
that He puts in front of us.
Charity Singleton says
Oh Marilyn —
I like this so much. I especially like the part about calling this “relating” and then being surprised when we feel lonely. Categorizing people and assuming we know them builds walls around us all.
Thank you for your lovely response.
Charity
Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience says
This: “Because every time I look at a fellow sister and make assumptions about her based on just one thing, I have devalued and demeaned the complexities of her life.”
*Thank you.*
And Marilyn.
*Thank you*
Charity Singleton says
Ann — It was good of you to stop by here. Thank you for your encouragement.
I Live in an Antbed says
And the next question I must ask myself is why would I ever assume anything about a stranger? Could it be because Pride is again rearing its ugly head in my soul? I must constantly allow His Spirit to purify my spirit so that I see each one the way He does: as the object of His Affections and the reason for His Sacrifice.
Charity Singleton says
And there is the truth of the matter; you have captured it so well. We must learn to see each other as he sees us. Thank you.
Danielle M. says
Thanks, Charity!
I needed to read that today. I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say that life is much simpler when we lump folks together…it gives us some illusion of control and understanding about a world that is so much bigger than us. I think that is a major coping mechanism for we humans. Otherwise, we are forced to look at really deep questions that are hard and scary. Except God is at the end of those questions, and while that doesn’t take away the uncertainty, it does bring hope and respite.
By the way, I hopped over to your page. We missed each other by a very narrow margin at Taylor. I graduated in 98.
-Danielle
Charity Singleton says
Danielle – So glad we have a Taylor U. connection! I have such fond memories of my days there as a student. And you are right, the deep questions about others and about ourselves that are hard and scary are much easier when we work through them with God.
Aimee says
Wow. Beautiful.
This has been one of the biggest lessons for me this year: Don’t assume you know people or what their lives are like based simply upon what I can see.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Charity Singleton says
Yes, the assumptions are so dangerous. A good lesson for us all.
Holley Gerth says
Charity, thank you for the beautiful reminder to love deeply and see clearly!
Charity Singleton says
Holley — You’re welcome! Seeing clearly and loving deeply at the same time seem impossible apart from Jesus. I am so thankful that He sees me and loves me this way. Through him, I can give this gift to others.
Janis@Open My Ears Lord says
Such a telling post, Charity. I’m so guilty of making assumptions, and it definitely leaves one feeling isolated. Thank you for your candor and your wisdom in sharing this matter with us.
Blessings,
Janis
Charity Singleton says
Janis — You know, it really is ironic that I often put people in boxes because I am the one feeling left out, but in doing so, I am isolating myself, as you suggest. Oh, the walls we erect between ourselves. Thanks for your kind words today!
Ruth says
Yes! Thank you! I’m always reminding myself, “the heart, the heart, the heart…” whether it’s my kids, a mom friend at church, or a total stranger. Hair style, family size, food choices, clothing… NONE of that matters!
Jennifer@GDWJ says
Charity!
I’m so glad to see you featured here at (in)courage. You have such wisdom … and “see” things that others (namely, me!) miss. I so appreciate you and what you share both here … and at your blog.
Yes, we do this. We put people in boxes, attach the labels, prejudge, misjudge, assume, assume, assume.
Thank you for your wise, wise words, dear Charity.
Charity Singleton says
I love that, Ruth. The heart, the heart, the heart! I am going to claim this little mantra for myself. I think it will go a long way when I am focusing to much on impressions and appearances.
Charity Singleton says
Oops, my fingers slipped and hit reply too many times! What I wanted to say here, Jennifer, is that you are such a dear friend, and your words are so encouraging. Any wisdom that comes from this weary soul is born out of mistakes and errors. I could probably have been in the Guinness Book of World Records for the person who has misjudged others the most! Blessings to you, friend.
Jenny says
Wow, you spoke words I did not even realize I needed to hear. Thank you for the stop me in my tracks moment.