Inhaling deep breaths, phone pressed gently to ear, I dial. Each passing ring cues a race within my beating heart, giving way to sweaty palms firmly gripping the phone.
Caught up in waiting, I didn’t hear her answer. Thoughts spilled past the silent contemplation of my mind. Fumbled, embarrassed and ineptly painted words staggered off my tongue, “I…uh…I….well…I can’t pay for…uh can’t afford… I have to turn in my vehicle.”
“You would like to voluntarily surrender your vehicle?”
Surrender.
I choked back tears.
“Yes, voluntary surrender.”
Months of trials led up to this moment. A string of hard, dark, tearful moments. Truthfully, it was years, but the checkbook register told a different story. The decision was cast for me to leave my career. A career that entangled me so strong I was left grasping for air. A career I put before everything else.
Everyone else.
Surrender hung in the backdrop of days prior. It followed quietly in the distance, forcing me to look back every so often. However, I couldn’t grasp its lingering presence.
Voluntary Surrender.
Gathering cloudy details in my mind, I drove to meet my husband.
Isabella called from the back seat, head stretched toward the window, “Daddy, I want to ride with you!” She squeezed out of the van, running to him.
Meeting my glance with heavy eyes laced in exhaustion, his silence screamed we both had little energy to speak. “This will be the last time in Mommy’s van. Why don’t you keep her company?”
“You can even sit in the front!”
Wide-eyed Isabella jumped in the van and we journeyed the road toward voluntary surrender.
Click. Clack. On. Off. Up. Down. Bass. Treble. Fade. Isabella’s laughter increased with every twist of the knob and adjustment of the air conditioner. I laughed as she danced to the medley of songs filling the air. The sight of her was pure joy.
Surrender.
As I pulled up to the bank, Peace entered my heart. A few signatures later, I handed my keys to a stranger.
There is joy in surrender.
God used the laughter of my daughter to peel back the mystery of surrender. Joy comes when I release the tight grip of the steering wheel and let Him drive my dreams, my desires, my decisions.
As a passenger, I become fully enraptured by the freedom behind the seatbelt of His presence.
Click. Clack. On. Off. Up. Down. Bass. Treble. Fade. I feel the cold wind against my cheeks and tap my foot to the sounds coming from speakers beside me. I sit beside Him, unfazed by the red lights that halt my dreams or the acceleration of crossing busy intersections in rush hour traffic.
Whether God puts His foot on the brake or the gas pedal, I know He is in control. He will drive me to my destination, providing traveling mercies along the way.
As my husband turns into the driveway of our home, the Lord presses in, going deeper still.
A surrendered heart is worth more than a surrendered possession.
God never wanted my career. He never wanted my car.
He wanted my heart.
Divine headlights lit dark corners of my heart still craving a paycheck, position and prestige.
A year has gone by and I am slowly beginning to comprehend the depth of this notion of voluntary surrender.
He wants all of me.
Every passion. Every goal. Every desire.
Every hurt. Every disappointment. Every failure.
My life in alignment to God’s means letting go of the wheel, allowing Him to drive me safely into His fullness of joy.
Do you struggle with letting go?
by Melissa Runcie | Madabella: made beautiful
ABOUT MELISSA RUNCIE
Wife and mom whose passion is searching the Word, creating art, and writing stories of how God makes all things beautiful....
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Melissa! First off, I was so confused because I was reading this in my reader and YOUR blog is in a different folder than my (in)courage feed, and I was like…Melissa Runcie…she’s not supposed to be in this folder! And then I realized and was like YAY MELISSA IS GUEST POSTING!! :D So…anyway. ;)
I struggle so much with letting go. With letting someone else have control. I realized this when my older sister moved away and I no longer had a say on whether she went to church or who she hung out with (as if I had a say before, but at least I thought I had it before).
I’ve slowly learned that it’s best when we let go. To quote David Crowder Band “letting go gives a better grip.” :)
This post made me think of 1 Sam 15:22 where it says “to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams.” He wants our heart, our obedience more than He wants our words or our money or whatever. At least, that’s what I get from it.
Thanks for sharing :) Happy Thanksgiving!
Rebekah, you made me smile! Haha! Thank you and I love that quote, “Letting go gives us a better grip.” That could be a bumper sticker. ;)
I have to admit I struggled more with the prospect of having to turn in my camera than losing my vehicle! But God continued to nudge and eventually say, “your will, Lord.”
Thank you for that scripture reminder. Many blessings and love this Thanksgiving.
Why is so hard to let go? So many things we possess and do are not in our best interest, yet we hold on to them with a death grip…maybe that phrase is an indication! Father, cause me to let go. I want to hear from You, Lord. Thank you once again, Melissa. Love to you, sweet sister in Christ.
BETH! What a blessing. Thank you for being here with me today. When we are at that crossroads we forget God has our best interest in mind. He is a Giver even when it seems He is taking away.
I think we all struggle with letting go. I know I do. And I forget that in letting go, I gain freedom! Thanks for the post!!
Freedom! I need to remember that. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is always freedom. Yes, we do all struggle with it and I praise God that He continues to gently (and sometimes not so gently) nudge us and keeps pursuing us to let the things go that weigh us down.
Needed to hear this today. Thank you for letting God speak through you :)
Thank you, Carrie. :)
Such a beautiful testimony! The visible is a reflection of what is truly real. Your surrender brings Him such glory!
Thank you and may we seek to give him the glory in all we do, especially when no one else is watching!
Melissa, your post scares me (in a good way). I wrote a journal entry on my blog titled “stretch of surrender” last night. With fear and trembling, I am in-process of surrendering my all to my maker. I have a hunch that the process is life-long. It is scarey as all get-out……. transparency is not my for te’. However, transparency is HIS for te’. Speak, Lord, I am listening in surrender status.
Thank you Melissa! You inspired me, today.
You saying my post scared you, scared me! Haha! Oh Reese, just the other night I was singing the song “I Surrender All” and tears wouldn’t stop streaming down my face. I know there is more to give over and I am thankful God reveals a little at a time. His work in us, His stripping, is always a process, that is so true. Praying for you right now.
Thank you for blessing me today.
P.S. I tried clicking to your site, but couldn’t…will you send me the link?
melissaruncie [at] yahoo [dot] com
Hi Melissa… so excited to see you guest posting here today! Yes, I’ve had a journey of learning to surrender all to Jesus too. It’s what makes the trials bearable, knowing we’re in His will and that He’s working all things for good. But sometimes it’s hard because that ‘control’ nature tries to go back to auto-pilot. There is such a freedom and a peace in letting go though and I don’t think I would have been forced to learn had the trials not come my way. Praise God for blessing of learning to do this through the trials. Happy almost Thanksgiving and bless you!
JACKIE! I’m a control freak…just ask my husband. But thankfully He’s also say I’ve come along way and that’s because we’ve gone through so much as you know. Thank you for reminding me of that peace and freedom we find in Him. Our Christian walk is about surrendering our all to Him, may we find immense value and worth in that!
Love you sweet sister and hopefully we can see other soon.
P.S. I can’t stop telling everyone about your artwork! :)
Surrender is a hard thing to do…voluntarily surrendering is even harder…that was an amazing post…i think i would have been so focused on scrambling to find a way to get the money to pay each month that i would have missed what God was trying to tell me…but to have faith and understand that surendering was the answer is just inspiring…like reese said, “surrender is a life long process”…i always have to remember that so i don’t beat myself up about not surrendering completely in one day…or surrendering in one day just to take some back the next…thanks for the inspiring post and happy thanksgiving!!!
It is a life long process and as soon we lay one thing down, He shows us something else, right?
I told my children the other day (and I almost fainted when I said it) that when God wants to work on certain areas of our life, like be more forgiving, more patient, there is nothing we can do. I read James – be a doer, not a hearer – but really only God can make us do what is right. So don’t try to be “good”. Don’t try to follow the rules. Don’t try to be better. Leave that to God and just delight in Him. (Telling your kids not to follow the rules is a hard thing, but if they seek after God and not worry about the results, He will cultivate that relationship and cause the growth.)
When we realize our relationship is entirely wrapped up in who HE is and not who WE are or what WE do…then we meet freedom and leave guilt behind. I am slowly learning this, too!
Happy Thanksgiving. :)
Oh Melissa – what a beautiful story. We were just talking about surrender and submission this morning so I sent it to a friend of mine. Your story reminds me of Abraham and Isaac… so timely and beautiful today – thank you!
it’s a life topic, isn’t it? when i wrote this God was yelling it loud and clear…today he whispers it and thankfully allows the grace to grow. God is forever teaching us. thank you for blessing me, sweet jenny!
He is nudging me through your story, through your words. Just when I thought I knew how to live a surrendered life and have a surrendered heart – my whole world has changed and it’s harder for me than I thought. Thank you for sharing…
as hard as it is, i’m glad that God uses experiences to mold and shape us. it allows us to enter into deeper relationships, deeper understanding, and deeper dependence on Him. there is so much to learn about surrendering it all, but God is faithful to meet us in the cracks and crevices of life. He woos us instead of demands…that’s the heart of our Savior and as a bondservant would say, “All I am and all I have is yours.” May we reach that place of beauty in our lives. Thank you for sharing your struggle, Amy. It’s mine, too.
Your posts this week have ministered to my heart in a profound way! Thank you for sharing & giving of yourself & most of all, for modeling Christ likeness.
Thank you, Steph! May the Spirit continue to minister and meet you.
Yes! I do struggle with surrender. Right now my family is in the proccess of moving & we have different views of where we want to live! I’m having a hard time sirrending the idea Of where I think I want to live. It’s hard! But your right maybe I’ll find more joy in surrendering
Oh Tonya, crossroads are always so hard! Praying God will show the way and you’ll have peace in whatever path you choose! Thank you for sharing your heart.
Oh my friend I love it.. such a picture of true surrender. There are things that I must hand over that I have a tight grip on.. Thank you for such a beautiful picture of true surrendering.. Love you girl,
Mon
I appreciate your struggle my dear friend. Just when I think God is finished with one area, He shows me another. I’m so glad He continues to work on us. He is so faithful!
I miss you and hope you are having a blessed time with that beautiful baby boy (and the other boys in your life!) See you soon. Hopefully! My new favorite hang out is The Well Cafe/Library at EV Free by your casa. Come see me for tea and books!
good stuff…we are walking in faith and moving overseas as missionaries and this is a good reminder that all is His:):) thanks for blessing and for your heart to be His…beautiful. be blessed:):)
Wow, Abby! What a journey this new chapter will be! Yes, all is His – our lives, our purpose, our days – oh that we would live in this surrendered heart out of pure gratitude for who HE is!
I am praying for you now – that God continues to lead you on the front lines, give wisdom, grant protection and prepare the hearts of those you will minister to.
Ah, yes, surrender. I remember a time when I asked God, “Why do you keep emptying my hands of everything?” And it seemed my heart heard in response, “So I can fill them.” Surrender. The hardest, sweetest word. And your words join with that one to remind me to lay down, let go, to fall into love. Thank you, beautiful Melissa.
Oh Holley, a beautiful image of why God desires our all. Thank you for allowing me to share a piece of me here. The vision God gave you has blessed so many. Much love to you this Thanksgiving.
I loved your wording here: “As a passenger, I become fully enraptured by the freedom behind the seatbelt of His presence.” So beautifully put.
It is hard to let go, especially when we do not understand why our plans did not fit with His.
Thank you for sharing!
Melissa
You are a wonderful writer. I was ina bible study last year with you, and I’m so glad you have the time and opportunity to share your talents and trials.
Hugs
Jackie Menkel
Hi Melissa! Wow … what an awesome post! You rock girl! So neat to see how the Lord is using all your gifts! Can’t wait to see what He does next! Love your heart sweet sister!! Praying the Lord opens a door for me to see you again soon … take good care! Love Michelle