It rears its ugly head at the strangest times. Perhaps it never leaves the darkest recesses of my mind, this knowledge that I was once unloved.
Thrown away, forgotten.
Will I ever forget?
The first cut is the deepest.
As a girl, the truth never settled into my soul. It was deflected by the barriers of the temporary love that unbelieving parents can only give. Later, my rebellious teenage heart ripped holes in those walls of protection. The reality came pouring in fast, eager.
The constant questions were catalysts for destruction.
Why wasn’t I good enough?
Will I ever be good enough?
Won’t someone just love me?
Oh, there were someones who answered that cry for love. Imitations. Poor substitutes. Someones quick to whisper words with no meaning. My thirsty heart stretched to catch them, cling to them. Desperate for nourishment, I came up wanting every time. I ached from the effort of it all. Then he came, bringing genuine, fiery love and the Word Made Flesh. My heart was drenched in lavish mercy and grace. My insatiable appetite finally satisfied. Or so it seemed.
Nearly two decades have passed since my life was indelibly changed. Years documented in the lined pages of funky notebooks full of testimony to the faithfulness of the two most important men in my life, my husband and my Lord. I know without a doubt that I am, as my blog’s tagline declares, “A blasphemer, forgiven. A woman, loved.”
There are still nights when the quietness of a house slumbering gives way to the whispers of the evil imitator. He masquerades as a substitute for the Holy One. He picks at that hidden wound, stubbornly trying to reopen it. He taunts and pokes. His words gnaw and claw until I am bloody and broken. The next morning, battered and bruised, I quietly make my way to the recliner tucked into the corner of the living room, the altar where I meet my Lord and find healing. His Word washes over me like a soothing balm, penetrating deep until it finds the scar freshly irritated.
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. – 1 John 4:9-10 (ESV)
The Son willingly subjected Himself to a hurt much deeper than my own, wounds inflicted by the whip of my selfish pride and the nails of my disobedience. I close my eyes and I can see the ragged slices my razor-sharp tongue left behind.
I tremble with the knowledge that I, the accuser, should be the accused.
I wonder if I will ever understand this love that allows me to walk free. There, in the rustling of the pages, I find the Truth. I am loved beyond anything my feeble mind can comprehend…recklessly, wildly, passionately. And even though a man of clay shirked his identity as my dad, I have a perfect Father who delights in calling me His child.
I will never be thrown aside or forgotten again.
By Melissa @ Breath of Life
ABOUT MELISSA
Melissa Jackson is blessed to know the love of a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, & a gracious Lord. She resides in Virginia & blogs at
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, how he picks at those wounds. Praise God that He is the great Physician and can heal them. Thank you for this today.
One of the most beautiful manifestations of Christ is when he redeems loss; in this case, your void of unconditional love. Beautifully written Melissa, your pain and its redemption.
Yes!! He is our Shield and Defender, the Lover of our Souls. May His Truth penetrate and purge the deepest recesses of our spirits. May we readily identify the source of the whispers from the evil one and allow Him to plug our ears against the lies.
Powerful: “And even though a man of clay shirked his identity as my dad, I have a perfect Father who delights in calling me His child. ” While I’ve always had full knowledge of who my dad is, his emotional detachment toward me has hurt me afresh since the death of my mother. Thank you for reminding me that my heavenly Father will never leave me, forsake me or deny me. I can rest in that truth – and be his daughter today. And He has not thrown away or forgotten a less than perfect dad either! We are all redeemed by the blood of the Lamb. Amazing Grace and Amazing Love flow.
This is beautiful and so powerful! <333
Beautiful imagery via word choice & transition, Melissa. You, too, are beautiful.
fighting the evil one right alongside you.
Your team-mate,
Reese
WOW. These words spoke to my heart today. Thank You.
I am loved recklessly, wildly, and passionately – Amen!
Oh, sweet grace–such a gift. If not for grace, where would any of us be? Your words have made me grateful for it, for Him, all over again this morning…
Oh how he loves to try to rip the scars back open! Some wounds still have scabs but are slowly healing but I hate when I let the imitator get to me and convince me I am something else, other than a beloved child of THE King! Your descriptions are spot on!
Beautiful imagery here. I love this line too: “I have a perfect Father who delights in calling me His child. “