Peeling back the memories…deeper…deeper.
There is a room. It has green in it, sheer curtains maybe. I think I’m in elementary school. This is my babysitter’s house.
We watched Flight of the Navigator and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusades; we watched them in the living room. But there was that back room. I can’t remember what happened in the back room, but I can’t forget it either.
I wish I could remember; I wish I had something tangible to point to so I could say, “see, that’s why I’m so messed up, that’s why I have a hard time getting close to you.”
The need to know is haunting. And there are more things I’d like to know.
I’d like to know why I was the little girl in kindergarten who always wanted to play kissing games.
I’d like to know why I had to see the counselor that I don’t remember. I’d like to know why I was so afraid.
I’d like to know why I’m angry if you try and touch me.
So much is lost.
I want to know that little girl. I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her head and tell her how much she is loved.
I want to heal her wounds, the ones that are invisible and untraceable.
I don’t think I’ll ever know the mystery of the back room, or why that little girl had to see counselors because of her unusual behavior.
But I know this, I have a God that is more powerful than that back room.
I have a God that knew that little girl then, and He knows me now.
He knows the depths of my soul and He knows the wounds…and He chose me to be His. And He loves me so well, and so gently. He is uncovering the layers that need be laid bare so I can find freedom, and the rest He is standing in the gap, pointing me back to Him and His unconditional love.
To all of the little girls out there who are hurting, who want to be told they are lovable…
He knows each strand of your soul, because he weaved it. He knows the wounds and where they came from, and He loves you.
You are worthy of His love. If it wasn’t so He wouldn’t have become you.
He became all of us.
And we need Him, desperately, because He is the only One who can really love us. He is the only One who can fill the gap between then and now. He is the only One who can pull you out of the pit and set your feet upon a rock.
If you let Him in, He will put a new song in your mouth.
You will praise Him for His goodness (that you will taste and see), and you will trust again.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.
Psalm 40: 2,3
By Sarah Mae, Like a Warm Cup of Coffee