I used to think patience was an impossible goal – would I ever really learn to settle down my spirit and just. Wait?
When I lost my daughter I remember, in the two days between when I knew she had died and before she was stillborn, that I wanted a baby back inside me immediately.
These are the thoughts of a crazy grieving mother.
I could not bear the emptiness.
I felt panic at the thought of having to birth her, and panic at the thought of going another night, us in our bed, with her still inside me, but she wasn’t really there.
The void that was already left, that chasm, ached to be filled.
I was taught patience those two endless days as I had to wait for the next step. And her birth day was beyond peace and perfection and Jesus knew better than I.
Then I was taught patience as I waited on God to make my heart ready again for a new life inside me.
Feelings of immediacy had turned to “never again” which finally grew to “maybe someday” and then rested quietly on “Ok. It’s time.”
Of course the Lord doesn’t work on my timeline and another 6 months passed and we thought – perhaps – it really was all over.
I share this all with you to tell you how God answers promises.
Maybe you know that?
Or maybe you’re not quite sure if you believe it – really for real?
You see, my husband and I had felt strongly that God told us we’d have (at least) one more child. We had no idea of the when, but we knew it would happen.
In fact, we know we’ll have another daughter someday.
But the waiting and the long nights of grief and the mama-void that, even though Jesus healed so immensely, still was left empty – all left us a bit battered.
We began to feel a bit resigned.
We began to lose hope.
Then as the one year mark of the loss of our daughter passed us, and we couldn’t get out of bed and we thought WHY? Again.
Little did I know, already then,
I was already pregnant.
And we rejoice with songs of praise and are face on the floor in awe of the work God does in our hearts!
Now the journey of patience and hope has turned into patience and trust as I daily battle surrendering my fears.
It was a year I had to wait since that first time I asked God for another baby.
I’ll wait nearly a year to meet this one. Before there’s any “reassurance”.
We wait for a lifetime for Him to return.
All ache, all filled with a Promise, all for Him.
And Jesus continues to whisper… I Promised. And it is good.