I’ve never been the most patient person.

I used to think patience was an impossible goal – would I ever really learn to settle down my spirit and just. Wait?

When I lost my daughter I remember, in the two days between when I knew she had died and before she was stillborn, that I wanted a baby back inside me immediately.

These are the thoughts of a crazy grieving mother.


I could not bear the emptiness.

I felt panic at the thought of having to birth her, and panic at the thought of going another night, us in our bed, with her still inside me, but she wasn’t really there.

The void that was already left, that chasm, ached to be filled.

I was taught patience those two endless days as I had to wait for the next step.  And her birth day was beyond peace and perfection and Jesus knew better than I.

Then I was taught patience as I waited on God to make my heart ready again for a new life inside me.
Feelings of immediacy had turned to “never again” which finally grew to “maybe someday” and then rested quietly on “Ok. It’s time.

Of course the Lord doesn’t work on my timeline and another 6 months passed and we thought – perhaps – it really was all over.

I share this all with you to tell you how God answers promises.
Maybe you know that?
Or maybe you’re not quite sure if you believe it – really for real?

You see, my husband and I had felt strongly that God told us we’d have (at least) one more child. We had no idea of the when, but we knew it would happen.

In fact, we know we’ll have another daughter someday.

But the waiting and the long nights of grief and the mama-void that, even though Jesus healed so immensely, still was left empty – all left us a bit battered.
We began to feel a bit resigned.
We began to lose hope.

Then as the one year mark of the loss of our daughter passed us, and we couldn’t get out of bed and we thought WHY? Again.

Little did I know, already then,

I was already pregnant.

And we rejoice with songs of praise and are face on the floor in awe of the work God does in our hearts!

Now the journey of patience and hope has turned into patience and trust as I daily battle surrendering my fears.

It was a year I had to wait since that first time I asked God for another baby.
I’ll wait nearly a year to meet this one. Before there’s any “reassurance”.
We wait for a lifetime for Him to return.

All ache, all filled with a Promise, all for Him.

And Jesus continues to whisper… I Promised. And it is good.

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  1. 1

    God is so faithful! I felt you pain whilst reading that. We almost lost our daughter so when I was expecting our son I had fear. But God gave us a promise that we held on too and He kept. Our little one was born without complications. God WILL be faithful in His promise to you and will have this child all to His glory. You’re in my prayers.

    X

  2. 2

    Wow. God’s promises are SO good. He is always faithful. Praying for you!

  3. 3

    I sat down here at my desk this morning to do my devotions, and I glanced over at my spiral bound index cards, where I have my memory verse writte for Beth Moore’s SSMT verses. My new verse started yesterday, and it’s Joshua 23:14. “Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.” I prayed for a bit, fully believing these words in my heart and yet wondering HOW He plans to redeem my broken past year and how He will fulfill promises another person chose to break from my life. I trust…and yet I feel discouraged. And then I opened this and read…and just cried because it is JUST LIKE GOD to bring the perfect reminder from someone else who has walked a path of brokenness. Thank you for sharing your heart. You’ve encouraged me today.

  4. 4

    I’m quite battered this morning from dealing with the emptiness last night. God comforted and continues to do so, but my husband and I are waiting on His promises. We are unable to be intimate in this season because of a pain condition I have. It has been almost a year since we could even try. Being around babies and baby showers and expectant mothers hit me hard yesterday. BUT He is faithful and cares more than I’ll ever know. We celebrated our 5th year anniversary last weekend! Thank you for encouraging us to hold to His promises and continue to wait. Our God is SO good and always right on time.

  5. 5
    Kelly Freund says:

    Praise God that His promises are yes and amen!!!!!!!

  6. 6

    Three miscarriages later, and the end of my dream to ever be a mother, I had to accept my promise from God to be “my grace is sufficient”. At the time, this promise seemed so empty….just like the emptiness you described. I, too, longed for the void to be filled with a new ittle heartbeat, a little life. Sometimes, his promises are revealed in the very way we dreamed, the way we hoped…the desire of our heart. Sometimes, though, his promises are revealed in a way that brings hope (and help) to surrender our desire and accept His will. In it all, His faithfulness is there. This has been a long journey for me, and through the valley of grief, disappointment, anger and brokeness, I have come face to face with a God who never leaves me, nor forsakes me, but who gives me grace for each moment, hope for tomorrow, comfort for my loss, and a desire to surrender to His will, whatever that may be. I have also begun to feel new life stirring inside….the life of His spirit creating new desires, knitting together new dreams, and filling me with a new vision. How I anticipate the birth of this new thing God is doing!

    Rejoicing with you in this blessed gift. (another victory God has given me)

    Isn’t He beautiful?!

    ~Stacy

  7. 7

    I have felt this right along with you. It has been 14 years since our daughter was stillborn. I had the ache of empty arms for 4 years before our son was born. God sends blessings in many forms, but with the birth of our three children, we have come to know… she will never be replaced. She is waiting for us in heaven, but her emptiness is still felt here. As our children grow, my husband and I have pondered on what she would be like and doing, and how much she would add to all our lives. I mean our son would not be growing up as the oldest, our daughters would have an older sister to dote on them. It is painful, brings tears to our eyes, but it is also comforting that she is always a part of us. This was one of my fears in the beginning of grief, that she would be forgotten/replaced. God has blessed us so much in knowing she is with Him, and NO, she is not out of our minds!!!! God’s Blessings to you and your family!

  8. 8

    God is so amazing in His timing of things. I recall when my heart ached for my first baby I stould at the sink in my kitchen looking out at the front yard and street thinking to myself that it would be nce to see a bright red Cardinal in my front flower bed.

    Then there they were, over a 100 Cardinals descended on my lawn and the street and the lawn across the street. Knowing Cardinals don’t flock, they kinda “go it alone” most of the time I was speechless. My tiny little thought was heard by God and He poured His love from the Heavens, pouring hope and love around me in a flock of Cardinals. For ten minutes I laughed and cried and stared at their antics until eventually each one flew off to continue on their own ways as did I with hope and love in place of my questioning despair. God is just awesome that way. :)

  9. 9

    The in-between. I know what it’s like to live there . The path to the Promised Land is never what we expect, is it? But, oh, it’s good when we get there. So happy for you, friend! Looking forward to welcoming your little one.

  10. 10

    As I was coming into work this morning I was thinking about promises. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, know, your journey has touched my heart. And while my waiting is of a different sort, but one akin to the tug of ‘family’ I do know and believe in His promises. And yes, I know of His divine timing, and the perfection of it. But thank you for letting me know, that it is hard, and that we do lose hope, and that He still loves us in the grace filled moments of our every day lives, when we are present to him and his endless possibilities.

  11. 11
    Anonymous says:

    wow. That iso powerful and given truly from the heart. Thank you for this sharing as I am sure it will touch many as it has moved me!

  12. 12

    Losing a child before she is born is so heartbreaking, isn’t it? I’m deeply sorry for your loss. My son Casey fit perfectly in my hand, and he was perfectly formed, even though he was only 22 weeks from conception. Someday we’ll get to meet these precious children in heaven. Meanwhile, I’m so happy that God has provided another child for you. (He did for me too!) God bless.

  13. 13

    Thank you for that reminder. I go through my days relying on Him, but sometimes I forget the truth of His faithfulness. He is faithful and He does keep his promises. My heart and prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  14. 14

    Ari, you perfectly describe that time between the knowing and the seeing and God’s faithfulness throughout. Absolutely stunning. Praying for you now, sweet Sister!

  15. 15

    God is so faithful, and yet I’m facing weariness as I trust in His promises. You see, I’ve felt that He’s said we’ll have another child – one more after this little boy we already have who was birthed after our own painful sudden loss. I’ve learned to trust, and yet I seem to still be learning. I believe in His faithfulness, and He’s bringing me to a place of *knowing* – really *knowing* face-to-face – of His faithfulness.

    I wrote a post about this just this week: http://arock4him.blogspot.com/2011/03/resting-in-trust-of-my-belay.html

    Rich blessings to you on your continued journey of trust…

  16. 16

    Thank you soo much for posting this…I needed this desperately today. Last July I lost my baby…and I was devastated…My husband and I have not given up on trying again…but nothing so far…(I also am learning patience..) Every month I get my hopes up, and then when my cycle comes I am heartbroken all over again…I’ve gotten to the point where I am afraid to hope again…but God knows ;) thanks again!

  17. 17

    Thank you so much for sharing this!! We lost a daughter at 27 weeks to triploidy in 2008 and we desperately longed for another child. I am now 6 mths pregnant. Here is our story: http://butterflykissesntastydishes.blogspot.com/2011/01/god-said-yes-even-when-i-didnt-have.html
    God Bless you!!

  18. 18

    I love your last line. What a beautiful story

  19. 19

    Oh Ari… I remember that day.
    I love you… and the beautiful work Christ is doing in you… and that your Mabel does in me.

    Patiently waiting on His promises with you…
    All’s grace,
    Ann

  20. 20

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I lost my son at 32 weeks in February 2010. Loosing a child is simply shattering. We went through similar emotions as what you wrote about as we waited to try again, and then it took us quite a few months to conceive. Thankfully, as I was ready to turn the page on the calendar of what had been a horrible year, we found out I was pregnant on New Year’s Eve. What a gift. I am now 14 weeks along, but I am learning this pregnancy is a daily lesson in faith and trust. I pray for the day we both get to hear the first cry of these little gifts and hold them in our arms0

  21. 21

    I love what God does with our pain, turning it into something amazing. Thank you so much for sharing this proof of a God whose promises we can always rely on – it’s been such an encouragement :) May He bless you and your family today.

  22. 22

    Oh, how God uses the “going through” to show himself to us. I rejoice with you…

  23. 23
    Paola Rarick says:

    This touched me to my core!!! Thank you for sharing a very real battle. It was sooooo encouraging!!!

  24. 24

    Thank you for being so transparent.
    I have experienced God’s grace first-hand, too. We didn’t lose a child but we were told I would never have children. That was 9 years ago. Our son, Alex, will be turning 8 this July. He’s healthy, intelligent, creative, active, addictive and infectious (in a good way). God, through His grace, made this happen against all odds. I praise Him for that both now and forever!
    Stefanie

  25. 25

    Arianne,

    Oh, how I know the pain you felt in those days. I battled through grief alone after I lost my daughter, Evelyn, on 10.29.10. I was shocked, but filled with God’s peace and presence when I learned of her passing. I was only two days from my due date when I gave birth to her. Since her death, I have grown closer to the Lord, and experience his miracles almost daily. He is everywhere! I hope to keep her name alive, and she is now the centerpiece of who I am. I am inspired by your story…and you certainly give me hope for my future! God has given me hope for another daughter, in many ways…and her name will be Jewel. I look forward to the day that I can write about her and look back at what I went through…and all that God did through me and my daughter Evelyn Marie “Evie.” Her story and my testimony are on her site http://www.babyevie.com. Love to you and all the mother’s that have lost a precious child!

    -Christy

  26. 26

    This isn’t what I’d choose for you, the learning in such a heart-hard way, but how beautiful for you to bear testimony to God’s faithfulness and goodness in the broken places.

    I remember your pain. I celebrate your joy :) .

    To God be the glory in all.

  27. 27

    I’ve had 2 birth-losses, and know so well the hurt, the emptiness and the pain. We just welcomed our miracle baby into our family last week, will be praying for your precious babe and the fulfillment of the hope and joy new life brings!

  28. 28

    I so remember those emotions…between the loss and the joy.
    The waiting.
    The fear of wanting to hope too much, to let yourself feel too much joy until as you wrote…the “reassurance”.
    I’d never connected those emotions though with our waiting for His return.
    And the solid promise we have of that joy.
    Thank you for this post.
    When I read your name on future posts…I will remember to pray and to ask for God’s care of this new little one.

  29. 29

    I can’t tell you how much reading this means to me. I literally can’t find the words. I can only say that so much of it resounds in the experiences of my own life and heart. Thank you for your openness and willingness to share your testimony. That’s what it is – a testimony of God’s great glory and power and love. Thank God.

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