I’m sitting at my desk looking at a picture of myself from Fall 2009. I feel so disconnected from her. She’s cute and confident and having a blast. What is going on in my head right now is nothing close to the positive self-talk that was her everyday staple.
It feels like a different girl.
Nothing has happened. I’m wearing the same clothes, hanging with the same friends, I haven’t been hit in the face with a shovel or anything. But my mind has turned against me and become my enemy.
There is a constant stream of lies flowing… about my body, my face, my job, my future, my friends. You name it, the lie is crossing across the ticker of my mind.
It used to be like this all the time, especially when I was a teenager. I just didn’t know any different, so I accepted it. I was a prisoner in a dark dungeon for years- the kind of dungeon that doesn’t have room for fresh air and so you breathe stale gulps thinking it is sufficient to keep you alive.
But then I was free. And for years I have breathed real air. Everything changed. My mind knew freedom from the lies and it sighed with relief.
On and off, it has been a battle. Capturing the lies, throwing them away, replacing them with truth. Knowing who I am, who loves me, what I’m worth, and how carefully God made me. For the love- I even WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT. So certainly that means I’ve got it all under control. [yeah right]
But within the last few weeks, it has gotten miserable again. The stale air slips through my gritted teeth and after all those years of freedom, my lungs are begging for a breeze, for real air. And it will come.
This isn’t my home- this dungeon isn’t where I belong. But for a time, the battle happens here for me.
Normally, I wouldn’t talk about this. But here’s the thing- there are women around the globe who have found fresh air for the first time and are embracing truth. And there are other women who probably think, “I can’t win this battle. I will never get out of here.”
To both groups of women, I want to say, “I know how you feel.”
I’m telling people what’s going on in my head. I’m talking to God about it. I’m reading my Bible and claiming truth. I’m working to remember all the things I know.
And I’m breathing.
Ingrid Michaelson has a song called “Keep Breathing” and my favorite line is, “all I can do is keep breathing…” And so I will.
Because even though the dungeon is dark and I’m fighting every day to get out, and even though I’m honestly kind of scared and this hurts somethin’ fierce, I will keep breathing. I won’t give up. Just because I’m fighting doesn’t mean I’m losing.
All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
. . . . . . . . .
By Annie Downs // AnnieBlogs