I’ve live with bated breath, sat rapt at attention, clinging to my last inhale, waiting for what’s to be. Anticipation has been my oxygen, its unreliable tank shooting spurts of air, giving me just enough to just be. This is a stilted life, never fully being and never fully feeling life.
“Rhonda, why are you always so serious?” my party boy baby brother asked me almost 20 years ago at a family dinner. There was no heated talk, no refusal on my part to walk his walk, but he asked me this. I was just sitting, eating and being. He could see this, right pass my constant cool and from my lack of laughter and emotionless fits. “Why don’t you loosen up?” I was not a debater and pre-salvation would attend the same parties he would. I wanted to see what he saw, why he saw what he saw so he could help me release whatever was holding my breath.
“Serious? What did I do to make you say that?”
“It’s just the way you look.”
“So what do you think I need to do to stop being so serious?”
“I don’t know. You just need to lighten up.”
He was demanding from a point of perception that he couldn’t explain. I was desperate to understand.
People exercise to “release” pent up emotions and stressful weeks, but even in aerobics class the teacher reminds students to breathe. We even go there trying to control our breath like withholding will loosen tightened muscles and get us to move the way we desire. The teacher knows we need to breathe, ensuring our entire body gets oxygenated and moves at full capacity. This is what office workers, floor supervisors, housekeepers, managers and mothers want, to breathe when work is tough, when we can’t erase our children’s hurt, when our husbands give us the flux. We want to breathe fresh air when all is stale and stinky about. But we want to know “How do you breathe?”
For years I’ve struggled to discover what was behind my brother’s questioning, to learn why I lived with bated breath that transformed my face. How could I breathe in seemingly easy places and undisputed hard spaces, to live fully being and fully feeling?
I didn’t know how little oxygen I lived on until the day I felt my nostrils open wide, my chest move easy and I declared, “I’m not holding my breath.” I had released the roller coaster inhale to brace myself for the uphill climbs, downhill rides and twists and turns that every life brings. I was breathing easy like carefree children who know their parents will take care of their every need. I had embraced that child-like security, some months before trying Matthew 11:29-30:
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
I cut the yoke of perfectionism and other meaningless manacles that wouldn’t let me rest until every task was complete. My daily ‘To Do’ lists turned into weeks and months and the only thing that fell apart was me. I wanted to be oblivious like the children and gracious like my husband so I shortened my daily lists and lengthened the other ones, knowing God’s yoke would guide me to get the priorities done. Wearing wrinkled clothes and eating sandwiches for breakfast never killed nobody! They have helped save me, giving me a new oxygen tank full of grace pumping a life of easy breathing.
By Rhonda J. Smith, Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman
Leave a Comment
Amy Hunt says
Oh, girl, how I know this! You described my transformed life–the freedom I now write about (or at least try).
Many people told me for years that I took life too seriously…that I needed to “lighten up”…that I just needed to smile…that I took myself too seriously…
And yet, I could never figure out why they said that and I would “hmmph” around trying to prove them wrong, while focusing way too much on it and being just as *serious* as they were describing.
Something happened in me–God. Happened.
And the rest…it’s become beautiful Joy and radiant peace (most of the time). It’s the closeness of His touch in my soul. And it’s such a freeing life! Cheers to His handiwork on our transplanted hearts!
Rich blessings, sweet Rhonda, as you continue to teach His heart…
Rhonda J. Smith says
Amy,
I love that our stories can mirror one another, not only in struggle but also in triumph. Yes. God. Happened. Thanks so much for commenting. God bless you, my sister.
mrsbooker says
Rhonda…I used to be this person pre-salvation, try anything, fearless. But, after I found Christ I got all wrapped up in trying to do it “right”. It wasn’t until I truly learned what grace was and the freedom that comes with grace and through Christ that I began to learn to breathe.
for me…it takes practice though, I don’t know that I am back at full inhale just yet
Thank you for your transparency.
Rhonda J. Smith says
You’re welcome, Mrs. Booker. And you are right : the only way we can breathe is with the freedom that comes with grace and through Christ. There are days, too, when I think I will hold my breath again then I remember how I feel with stressful, yet easy-breathing days and I begin to fully breathe. Thanks for commenting.
Nichole Christian says
Rhonda: what a wonderful way to spread the joy that comes from true exhaling. A little more grace in every breath is the goal, especially for us moms working to put life’s lists in the proper place.
Kudos to (in)courage for see the value of your piece.
Rhonda J. Smith says
Thanks so much, Nichole. I praise God for the joy I now have. And joy truly is a priority for mom’s seeking balance.
Nikki Washington says
Being at home is new and different for me. I find that breathing is difficult. I haven’t fully embraced motherhood as God desires and being a new wiife seems to add more difficulty for me in that “breathing” process. “There is always something to do. What’s next. What did I miss!” Is still settled in my mind from working.
But the good news is; I’m LEARNING how to embrace being free to enjoy my extended bible study & devotion , let God direct my schedule, talking to my unborn child, discovering my kids all over again, getting to know my hubby and being confident that I’m not defined by how many hours I put in. I’m even LEARNING that freedom of expressing myself through song and dance again, writing and all the things I fully enjoyed before I dove head first into the unbalanced world of work, work, work.
I can feel the tangled web that I’d weaved for so long being removed every time I’m reminded to – “just breath”
Thanks for writing about the real life issues we face – its refreshing.
N.W.
Rhonda J. Smith says
Nikki, it’s so good to hear your testimony of recognizing your imbalance and your desire to release with God. Truly, this is a learning process and I’m so glad you are in school! Thanks for commenting. I know God is blessing you on your journey.
Renee Carr says
Nikki,
You have a lovely writing voice. You are so close to “the breathe”…because you are so aware of who you are and where you are and are committed to finding your way to where you need to be.
“They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength…they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” It is our goal to run and yet not be breathless. To slow our pace as we see our breath is outpaced by our activities and walk so we don’t fall out! LOL
RMC
Christen Johnson says
I love how the power of God’s truths are so universal even between seemingly different situations. I don’t think I’ve ever been told to lighten up in my entire life. Lol. If anything, I’ve been called dangerous, a wild child, a free spirit and everything in between. But this piece called me out in a very poignant way and echoed against places I hadn’t even seen as relevant.
The first exposed truth was that I sometimes find myself thinking so hard about something that I actually forget to breath! Crazy- I know but I think it does reveal something about the way that in my own limitations, my body can’t focus fully on two things at once. And while I don’t hold my breath out of any intention or anxiety, my efforts to do things on my own cause me to cut myself off from my very life-source (Word).
The second truth (which was really the first observation) is that breath in Latin is “spirit.” What a beautiful thought! That this Spirit gives us life by flowing through our bodies, bring vital elements to parts that would otherwise die! How human of us to think that by inhibiting the free flowing of this essential life function we’re somehow helping a situation out of anxiety! We are so backwards! Thank God that He doesn’t allow us to take ourselves out of the game that easily. And thank God that He teaches us bit by bit, more and more how to open our nostrils, expand our lungs and let His life giving power enliven us to do what He’s called us to do.
Rhonda, thank you so much for your post and ladies, for your comments.
Rhonda J. Smith says
I love your observations! We can be so backwards, but praise God that even when we try to hold our breath, or quench the Spirit, to use your observation, God is still there beckoning us to fully breathe. I thank Him for His Holy Spirit who gives us what we need to live anxiety free.
Soul Stops says
Good for you Rhonda on cutting off the manacles of perfectionism as you put it! I completely agree. Keep enjoying your new found freedom to breathe 🙂
Rhonda J. Smith says
Thank you, Soul Stops. I appreciate your comments.
Brittnie says
This is a great post… thank you. When I was deeply struggling with anorexia I did not know how to relax and just breathe. I was constantly uptight, serious, etc and did not know how to just slow down, breathe and enjoy the present moment. Yet God is so good and has since opened my eyes to a new life and new joy. While perfectionism will always be something I struggle with to some extent, God has freed me from such an unrealistic way of living life. Praise Him!
Rhonda J. Smith says
Thank you so much, Brittnie, for your compliment and for sharing. You speak with so much courage and I praise God with you for your deliverance! God bless you, Sis.
Breathing Easy « Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman says
[…] If you haven’t already, I invite you to join me at the (in)courage blog to read the rest of my story of new found freedom of breathing […]
Rebecca Johnson says
Thank you for sharing this Rhonda! It was right on time for me. I feel myself exhaling now. 🙂
Rhonda J. Smith says
Yay, Rebecca. I’m glad this piece spoke to you. Thank you for commenting. God bless you, Sis.