“Look, I wish I could just not care. But apparently I don’t have it in me.”
I said those words to my husband, though not for the first time, last week as I told him something I’d recently learned about my former employer. The place I haven’t worked for nine months.
When I began that job, it was just a job. I’d been laid off from what was supposed to be my dream job four months before (and shortly before delivering my daughter), and I was desperate for a job, any job, to pay the bills. From the moment I’d read the job description online, I knew this new place wouldn’t be The One I’d been looking for all these years, but I was okay with that. At that point, I simply needed income.
Besides, I had a sweet baby girl at home, and that was more important than anything else in the world!
While that baby girl has yet to cease being more important than any job could ever be, eventually the new mother myopia faded a bit and I began to realize that I was deeply unsatisfied with this place I spent eight hours a day. I even started thinking I could change things, make a difference.
And so it began. The interest and concern that inevitably lead to frustration and burnout. The passion that leads to heartache.
When I was in high school, my mom told me one day that she thought the song, “Standing Outside the Fire” by Garth Brooks described me. In case you weren’t a country music fan in the early 90s, here are a few lyrics:
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turnedWe call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burnedBut you’ve got to be tough when consumed by desire
‘Cause it’s not enough just to stand outside the fire
Back then, I didn’t really know what she meant by that. I liked the thought of Garth singing about me, though, so I never forgot it. And last week when I got all worked up over a job I no longer hold and a company for which I no longer work, I remembered these words.
As a matter of fact, they ran through my head on a constant loop (complete with misremembered words and mixed-up verses) until I finally pulled up the video on YouTube.
“We call them fools.” And later in the song, “We call them weak.” That is exactly how I’ve felt! Over and over, I’ve tried to rein in my emotions, not get involved and, in general, be “normal,” but I just can’t do it.
That’s not how God made me.
I don’t think it’s any mistake that I’m a passionate person. The Bible says that God created me, that He knit me together before I was even born.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
~ Psalm 139:13-14
My inmost being? He knows it, because He made it. He knew – well before I did – that I couldn’t help but fall head over heels in love with the piano, student council, fundraising for cancer, planting a church, blogging, my baby girl. He knew I couldn’t stand outside the fire.
That’s not how He made me.
Diving headfirst into a fire of passion and excitement and dedication and commitment has often resulted in getting burned. And so, as new things arise, I’ll probably attempt to hold something of myself back. But I won’t be surprised – and I know God won’t be, either – if I end up jumping in anyway.
It’s how I was made.
Are you a passionate person? Have you ever struggled with the way God made you?
Leave a Comment
Lisa H says
I’ve struggled for many years. Its been just recently that I stop and so I can just ‘be’. Its an odd feeling to me but one I’m enjoying. I am relearning who I am inside because she has been lost or hidden away for so long.
Am I a passionate person? I would have answered no before, other than my children I never thought I was passionate about anything. Now, I know, feel, I am passionate about my own healing-emotional and spiritual, which has then included physical. It has been my desire and has caused me to actively seek out God in ways I have never done before. It has caused me to listen and learn to trust God instead of myself. It has caused me to step so far out of my comfort zone at times I can’t even see my comfort zone!
I am beginning to live life again and not just merely survive it!
Mary Carver says
Thank you for sharing what God’s been showing you, Lisa! Love hearing about how He is stretching and blessing you!
Amy Hunt says
Oh, yeah–absolutely! I am a passionate person and God is constantly refining me through the fire. I can tend to be passionate about every thing and think that I should be involved in this, that and the other thing. I don’t overwhelm myself and really, it’s God who protects me from involving myself in much of anything. But, still, I find myself drawn to a lot of different things and I often think I’m missing out on something–that I am not doing enough or that I am living a boring life. But, He’s keeping me reserved for my family and that’s the most important thing. He’s showing me how to be incredibly passionate about where I am Now. And though comparing myself always gets me into frustrating moments and feeling like maybe I’m not living fully and completely as I *should*, He shows me that He created me for This and also promises that I was created for more than this…and He’ll reveal it all in His timing, alone.
Your heart about this so resonates with me, Mary. Totally. In every way. (including the job area!)
Rich blessings as you bask in His peace, sweet-Mary…
Mary Carver says
Ooooh, being passionate about where we are now. That speaks to me SO much, Amy. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Michele@From the Unpaved Road says
Passion for His heart has led me all the way into a recovering warzone with now a 120 kids calling me mama… The safest place IS in the center of His fire. It is only when I run OUT of His fire that I ever truly get “burned” He shall be the wall of fire around and the glory within! Whether facing of the 8 men who wanted to kill me and some of my kids yesterday for someone else’s mistake (kind of a rough day that was), taking in a few severely mentally disabled kids into our home here to get them off the streets, rescuing girls from the brothels, looking into launching a fashion accessory line made by those we rescue… it is ALL passion ALL the way. His passion for ME, for the least, for the lost and the last. And I spin in His embrace. It is the only way to go!
Mary Carver says
Wow, Michele. Passion has absolutely taken you some wild places! I love hearing about God’s adventures!
Kelley @ One Heart One Mission says
This is SO something I’ve struggled with. I am naturally just more comfortable being active, and having several things going at once. I knit, crochet, sew, scrapbook, sing, dance, bake, style hair, I’m training for a triathlon, have 4 kids, and a house and husband to take care of, and yet I have all these grand dreams still! I dream of helping the world, those in need, accomplishing big things, and I get crushed when I get told that my aspirations are unrealistic. 🙁 I can’t help it either though…it’s the way God made me, it’s a little strange/unique/geeky/optimistic but I LOVE it. 🙂
Mary Carver says
Kelley, you are one crazy busy lady! 🙂 But yes, if that’s how God made you, then make it work for you and ignore the rest of us who think you’re crazy busy! 🙂
Christy says
Lovely!
Aimee says
Oh boy! I know exactly what you mean. I’m a passionate person, too. I have a strong sense of justice and making things right. I’m sure everyone else thinks I’m crazy, but I can’t help myself. I have to get involved.
Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok, because this is how God made me. I often whine that I’d rather be like someone else (friend, neighbor, you name it). I’m going to start appreciating that God made me exactly the way He wants me.
Mary Carver says
I think the sooner we believe that God made us who we are on purpose – His purpose – the better off we are! (And yes, I am speaking to myself here!!) 🙂
heartlandfarmhouse says
Yes! And Yes!!! I’ve just recently started thanking God for my 30’s, a place where I can be comfortable/happy with who he made me! A place where with joy & excitement I can do the work he has for me!
Thanks! This was GOOD stuff!
Rebecca
Mary Carver says
Comfortable with who He made me – THAT is the place I’m trying to get to! Thanks for reading, Rebecca!
Ivy says
I too have felt that I over-think, over-feel every situation and made it into my own. I always felt it was a weakness until I was given a book called Living Your Strengths. God gives us special talents that, if not honed right or appreciated for what they really can bring, can feel like nothing more than a part of yourself you just wish you can change. One of my talents was Empathy and, according to the author, I do over-think and over-feel, which gives me the opportunity to understand, to empathize, even if I don’t agree with the emotion, the situation. Along with my other strengths, the book helped me to see how wonderfully made I am and that God knows exactly why He makes us a certain way. He needs us to use our talents for His work. He has a special task assigned to us where our God-given talents are going to be put to excellent use.
God bless!
Mary Carver says
Yes! We are wonderfully made!! Thanks for sharing what you read. I have a heavy dose of Empathy – using it for God’s glory is the key, though! 🙂
Shanyn - Strawberry Roan says
This is me too! Passionate, caring and still (not as often) upset about those things which have left my life but never quite left my heart. Thank you for this post, it is a blessing!
Mary Carver says
Ohhh, that’s such a great description – leaving our lives but not our hearts. Thanks for reading, Shanyn.
Beth Harte says
Mary, this is exactly the post I needed to read today — very timely. Thank you! I am a fire diver as well and even though I try with every fiber of my being to stop diving in and prevent myself from getting burnt to a crisp, it’s not working… Because that’s not how God made me. Thankfully He’s here to treat the burns. 😉
Mary Carver says
Beth, I’m so glad this post resonated with you. And like you, I’m thankful God is always here to soothe our burns!
Barb says
I have always struggled with the way God made me. I have never been able to just ‘Stand Outside the Fire’. I have been burned a lot, but count it all necessary for the glory of God.
Mary Carver says
If God is being glorified through our unique selves, I think we’re on the right track!
Maureen says
I grew up in a very cold environment, where it wasn’t ok to admit any emotion other than anger, which was acted out freely and abundantly. Nobody seemed to be in touch with any other emotion! I grew up CRAVING the fire. For warmth, For light. For the beautiful dance I saw in the flames! Like Shadrak, Mishach and Abednego, I discovered Jesus in the flames of the fire. And I have never been the same… Thanking God for the beauty and the challenge of dancing in the fire. He is always with me there…
julie moore says
I used to struggle with the way He made me then I began to realize my identity in Christ. Learning about God’s great grace has set me free to accept who He created me to be and I am finally ok being me. It’s a freedom like I’ve never had before.
RacheL says
I think I would be more if I’d let myself. I feel like there’s passion bottled up inside me. I’m scared to let it out.
gitz says
i loved reading this … so in line with our visit on Saturday. God made you who you are, Mary, and there is not a thing wrong with that. We are just “all in” people 🙂
Betty Draper says
For years I have lived with a controlled passion in me and only once in a while it would be released and God’s love would flow out of me. I think too often my fear of mistakes has held me back….but I decided to put into action my life verse, I Cor 2:2 I am determined to know nothing other then Christ Jesus. Well one cannot know him without risking oneself to the passions He has put inside of us. Now as age faces me every morning in the mirror I wonder how long do I have to release all this passion to tell others about you, whether by speaking words, writing words, living the high calling of God before others. So take courage and jump in the middle of that fire…..you will be refined by it and burn brightly for the glory of God. You will gain confidence as you live out the passions God has placed in your heart….take courage my sister, you have encouraged me to not let age put a stop to my passions, maybe we will meet in the refiners fire.
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