To enjoy motherhood, every woman needs to give herself permission to be free. What does that mean to a woman of faith?
I was flipping through channels, trying to find something fun to watch when I stopped on an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker.
I had never seen the show before, but since the boys were in bed, I thought I’d check it out. It’s a reality show where a matchmaker with personality named Patti matches single wealthy people, all claiming to be millionaires, with potential spouses.
One client carried a written, long list of qualities she wanted in her man, in her purse. The matchmaker took a lighter to the list and burned it in full view. She was shocked speechless.
Her list profiling her perfect mate kept her from enjoying any hope of romance. Patti said her client wanted to control the process of falling in love so badly, she was shut off from any real moments that were happening. Her list kept her from really seeing people for who they were. All she saw was how far everyone was falling short of her expectations.
As I was watching this young woman struggle with letting go of her expectations, I saw a part of myself in her.
I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about mothering.
You see, I also carry a list.
It’s called the Perfect Mom List.
The Perfect Mom List
I didn’t put this list together for my mother or for anyone else. This list is for me.
Although I have to admit, I’ve actually giggled putting together a list of ideal qualities in my dream guy, I’ve actually never sat down to write one down for me, as an ideal mom.
To my surprise, a Perfect Mom List has somehow emerged. It’s made it’s way into my heart and it’s filling up discouragement in my head.
If you saw my Perfect Mom List, I think you’d agree. It’s not unreasonable, is it?
I want to always be patient.
I want to be super organized, so my home looks like a calm learning environment, where everything has its place.
I want to make creative meals, so my children and husband will clap their hands and be so excited to sit down and eat.
I should be crafty with glue and construction paper, love coloring and drawing funny pictures.
I should love keeping the house in order, doing laundry, while lovingly providing counsel to my children when needed, yet drawing boundaries and discipline firmly when necessary.
…
Can you see how easily “want” really meant “should” to me? Can you see how this list deceptively became my Perfect Mom List?
The problem with this list is that it keeps me from seeing how God views me.
A Startling Discovery
This list keeps me from enjoying the moment and keeps my children from getting to know the real me.
Early in my mothering, when the struggle towards the 24×7 life a parenting hit a peak, a wise mommy mentor named Betty gave me this advice:
Just do what gives you joy — a joyful mommy is the best mommy.
It is godly to be joyful. It is godly to be at peace.
God wants you to have joy. God wants you to have peace.
Don’t do what robs you of joy.
Don’t do what robs you of peace.
I was definitely skeptical of her advice.
No. This couldn’t be. I objected.
Over time, as we continued praying and I went digging in the Scriptures, I started trying her advice out. I came to a startling discovery.
I don’t have to wait until the kids are older and I’m better at mothering.
I can have joy now — I can have peace now –IF I give up my list.
Stopping & Starting
Giving up my list meant stopping.
I stopped buying craft supplies that I hardly never use, that make me feel craft challenged and guilty.
I stopped trying to be the scrapbooking mommy that I could never be.
I started doing what felt natural to me — activities with my kids that gave me joy and incorporating time for myself that gave me peace.
I started taking my first steps to mothering without a list.
I was on my way to mothering by faith.
Mothering By Faith
When I let go of my expectations — and others’ of me — I realize that giving myself permission to be me at mothering is actually an act of faith.
When joy and peace guide me in my mothering, my heart is set free to enjoy my family. It takes faith to keep walking in that direction, even when we fall short and feel like we are failing.
The rewards of trusting God in us is the joy of knowing we are enough.
I’ve been working on a new list now. I call it How I Enjoy Mothering.
Maybe I’ll show it to you sometime.
For now, I say burn that Perfect Mother List.
They say you only get one chance at parenting. I say, let’s take our one chance with God’s grace — first on the list.
Now, I load up the boys and let them run around the park, while I sit on the bench and eat grapes and goldfish.
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“Christ has set us free to live a free life.
So take your stand!
Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.”
~ Galatians 5:1
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What list are you carrying?
In what areas is God encouraging you to “stop” or “start”?
~~~~~
By Bonnie Gray, The Faith Barista serving up shots of faith for everyday life
For more shots of faith, join Bonnie at her blog. Come celebrate her blog anniversary at the Faith Barista Facebook Party 8/28 Sunday at 1:00pm PST (2pmMDT/3pmCST/4pmEDT) with lots of DaySpring giveaways!
Photo courtesy of xessence via Photobucket.
Amy Hunt says
Bonnie, I absolutely agree! I’ve found this freedom, and I’ve lived in the space of the *should’s*–looking for a rule book on how to be the perfect mother. Once I found the freedom to live as me, I realized that this is my worship…even if I’m eating goldfish and grapes while my son plays (I love that!), I can be free to be me! Sometimes it means I say “no” to my son when he asks me to play, and I refuse to respond to any guilt that asks me what if this is the last time he asks, because there are times when I say yes and there are times when I say no, and at that moment saying no is the right choice for me–I have to live in this freedom and receive peace…and this way of living, it’s what teaches our children the most, anyhow!!! Right on, my friend, right on!
Rich blessings as you continue to live in freedom, sweet Bonnie!
Faith Barista Bonnie says
“to live in this freedom and receive peace…and this way of living, it’s what teaches our children the most…”
That is beautiful, Amy! That is what we can pass on to our sons! That is more precious than anything. Loved hearing your sweet voice of encouragement, friend!
Kristen says
Though not yet a mother, I do have my own list – the perfect wife list. I could probably benefit from a little time spent thinking more intentionally about what it is that brings me joy and peace in this role and focus on doing that!
Bonnie Gray says
Joy and peace — intentional! I love the sound of that, Kristen! As women, we’re so good at nurturing others, we’ve got to remember to pour that love on ourselves, too!
Stacey says
Awesome devotion My Friend :). My boys are 20 & 17 and I’ve learned sooo much about how important it is to spend time listening to them. Enjoy life with your kids because it passes by soo very quickly :). Thanks for being used of God to speak to us today!!! Love, Stacey
Bonnie Gray says
Aw. That’s so touching, Stacey! Two young men, still boys in your heart forever. *sniff* *sniff*. I love imagining my boys growing up and all of us enjoying each other’s company.
Stacie says
Love this! A real encouragement to me today. 🙂
Bonnie Gray says
That just MAKES MY MORNING, Stacie! 🙂 *hugs*
Alexandra says
Thanks for this post. I know I have my own, unwritten lists of expectations I have of myself and others. What a timely reminder to walk by faith, in joy and peace.
Bonnie Gray says
Yes, those lists are always waiting in the wings for us. 😉 When I get focused on those lists, I literally whip out a piece of paper and start jotting down ideas that bring joy and peace. Then, I pick one to do. I would be fun to see your joy and peace list, Alexandra. 🙂 Go and enjoy, friend!
rlynne says
Ah, this is good. Really good. I can relate. Thanks for sharing this one!
Bonnie Gray says
Thanks, rylnne! 🙂 You’re sweet to stop by!
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Ohhhhhhhh, this is good, Bonnie. My perfect mom list is so very long. And full of shoulds, even if they masquerade as wants. Thank you for this…maybe I’ll burn my own list today…I SHOULD, right? 🙂
Bonnie Gray says
YES, MARY!! 🙂 Burn that list right now! I want to see your Happy Mommy list ideas, girl! 🙂 Share?
Missy June says
Oh, this really spoke to me today. My “list” went out the window along with so many of my dreams when my marriage fell apart. Now I’m living in a reality so far from what I expected and desired…yet I’m finding such freedom and joy in the lack of expectations. It’s a bit scandalous and shocking to tell the truth.
I think I’ll get a bit more intentional and make a list of what I enjoy and strive for those things. Thank you, thank you!
Bonnie Gray says
Hi Missy June! Joy that is scandalous and shocking, but beauty to God – what a list that would be .:)
Kathy @ In Quiet Places says
I hope the goldfish you are eating are crackers!
I don’t have an official list, but sometimes one seems to want to run through my head and it would be the perfect Christian list, and that list always makes me come up short!
I wish it came more naturally to just enjoy that freedom of being who God uniquely made us to be, and not compare ourselves to others in any of our roles.
Bonnie Gray says
Yes, the goldfish are crackers! 🙂 I used to have a perfect Christian list, but then I found out it was made up by others, and not Jesus. Being with others who believed and practiced grace definitely made a difference helping me believe it for myself. But, it is definitely an ongoing journey .. that I’m happy to be facing in the right direction of joy and peace!
Lisa says
Fabulous! We mommas are so good at being hard on ourselves and comparing ourselves to others. We think God wants us to be so perfect in our parenting (and we want to give our kids the best). But our imperfections in parenting and life don’t surprise him at all. He knows all to well our limitations as human beings. What I’ve learned through many years of parenting, is that when we trust God, he fills the gaps and makes all things good. So here’s to tearing up those lists! Thanks for this post!
Bonnie Gray says
I’ve never been so hard on myself until I became a mommy! I love the choice bits of wisdom you shared here, Lisa – I want to see God filling in the gaps and making all things good! Zip… tearing up those lists! 🙂
Alba says
Thank you for candid viewpoint on our perfectionisms that don’t allow us to enjoy our families! I have a scrap booking pile i’ve been carrying around for 3 years now – promising I’ll make time, I’ll make time – empty! We set the bar for ourselves and our children way too high! Thank God for grace!
Bonnie Gray says
Alba, I hear you! I cleaned out my drawer and now they are filled with books and cards — which are things that I love reading and writing to friends.. and even started writing notes to my boys. Everyone is different. Find out what your thing is and start filling that drawer with that! 🙂
gitz says
Wow, friend. This is good advice in so many ways… the perfect friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect {fill in the blank}
I think i have a few lists of my own that need a match taken to them…
Bonnie Gray says
Perfect is boring, really. Because it’s not real. Sara, I love you how you always see beauty in the imperfection and always encouraging us with who you are! *hugs*
rabbit says
So needed to hear this. I battle with this daily. Comparing myself with other moms, always thinking I don’t measure up. Wondering how they always seem to have it together, living in neat houses, cooking terrific meals, everything in its place and all deadlines easily met, with nothing ever lost. Can’t ever seem to get caught up and have enough time to enjoy my two precious blessings. Then I spend time at the end of the day beating myself up for things I didn’t get finished, and time I lost with my children. I realize how fast they are growing up and don’t want to miss a minute of it, but feel like it is my duty to keep things in order too. I think we as women are our own worst enemy. Thanks for speaking from your heart, you really touched mine.
Suzan says
Hi Bonnie,
Thanks for the liberating post. The parenting challenge I struggle with is in trying to define and mold my son into a person of my expectation and in the process loose joy of parenting and failing to enjoy my child. For the most part of it, I do things out of “guilt” all in an attempt to be a good mum. I know I need to let go of this and instead learn to see and nurture the Lord given potential in my son. So, yes I should burn my expectation of what motherhood should be and allow myself to free fall into pool of parenting by grace! Thanks for the timely reminder!
Rachel says
Millionaire Matchmaker is a total GUILTY PLEASURE for me! It ranks right up there with Dog the Bounty Hunter (!!) in entertainment/trainwreck vs. actual wisdom very directly communicated.
Monday Links for Labor Day « Ittybitty Blog says
[…] -What I Learned About Mothering from Millionaire Matchmaker “When joy and peace guide me in my mothering, my heart is set free to enjoy my family. It takes faith to keep walking in that direction, even when we fall short and feel like we are failing.” […]