It happened again.
I forgot who I serve. All because it was 2 AM.
By the light of day, I trust Him. I spout the verses that assure me of His might and grace. I smile confidently because the things I tell myself about Him aren’t just things I tell myself, they’re the absolute TRUTH.
But 2 Am is sneaky. It passes by without bothering me for awhile. I sleep soundly, peacefully through it for weeks. And then one random night, my eyes fly open and I feel every muscle in my body tense. My hearing has improved exponentially and my stomach feels like lead. I climb from my sheets and creep down the hall. I peer out my kitchen window on to the empty street, scanning for movement. My fingers slide across each dead bolt and every window lock. I steal into my boys’ rooms and watch the rise and fall of their bellies. I whisper faithless prayers for their protection. Then I slip back down in my bed, eyes wide open. I contemplate waking my husband, but what would I tell him? Fear blankets me for hours.
Maybe it’s the dark. Perhaps it is the stillness. It could easily be too many hours watching the 10 o’clock news. My overactive imagination surely bears some guilt.
When I wake up the morning after a 2 AM night, guilt greets me like an all-to-eager pup licking my face. How could I be so irrational? So untrusting? I beat myself up as soon as my feet hit the floor and I am defeated before my day even begins.
Satan, for the win.
Unless I see it for what it actually is, a reality of my flesh. Sin. Struggle.
I rationalize my fear. I declare I am simply aware, responsible, conscientious, and most of all prepared. I listen to the voice that says the safety of my family is my job. If I am not on my toes, and bad things happen, it’s my fault. I give myself a whole lot of power.
It’s all a smoke screen. Healthy responsibility doesn’t cripple. Reasonable preparation doesn’t debilitate. To deal with it, I have to call it what it is, inability to trust, belief that I am more capable than the God of the universe. I name it, sin.
And then the miracle of repentance is unleashed. I am free. Free from 2 AM fear? Not necessarily. Free from sinning again? Definitely not.
Free to release. I can unclench my fists and let fall the pieces of my false responsibility, and my desperation for control. I can exhale the heavy weight of “all by myself” and see truth.
The truth is He’s got this. Every minute of every hour of every day of every person in my home are known to Him. And just in case I’m tempted to believe He’s out there somewhere just watching them all play out, His Word assures me that He is in my corner.
“… God assured us, ‘ I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,’ we can boldly quote, God is there, ready to help; I’m fearless no matter what. Who or what can get to me?”
As I release my fear, my sin to Him, He is faithful to offer me compassion and a better way. When the guilt that Satan would choose to warp into despair tempts me to look down, and I instead choose to look up, I see the eyes of my Savior whose love already conquered my 2 AM nights.