Psalm 147:3-5, “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.”
She sits alone on the cold bathroom floor, with sobs choking her breathing and shaky hands writing frantically. She does not say a word, but the emptiness in her eyes is screaming loudly. Her pen sloppily writes a farewell letter. It says that she can no longer cope. It explains how she has struggled with depression. It shamefully describes her battle with self-injury. Her words are both desperate and bitter. She sighs as she places the letter carefully on the floor.
She moves slowly and deliberately to the bathtub. She lowers her body into the hot water and grabs a razor blade. She desperately tries to take her own life, but just as she finally gains the courage to lower the blade onto her arm, her cell phone rings. Before her mind can comprehend what is happening she has already answered the call. She breathes heavily as she listens.
“Are you okay? I don’t know why, but I just had a horrible feeling that something was wrong.”
She chokes down a sob. “I’m fine. Just a bad day.”
The conversation lasts only a few more seconds and then she is alone again. However, something has changed. A tiny flame of hope has begun to spark in her heart. Perhaps God hasn’t given up on her after all. How did that acquaintance know something was wrong? They had hardly spoken.
She drains the tub, quickly dries off her body, and shreds the letter. She throws the torn pieces into the toilet and watches them swirl and disappear.
That is what I remember when I look back six years ago. I was a mess of both physical and emotional scars. I had given up on God and traded my faith in Him for dark addictions and seclusion. However, although I had given up on God, He never gave up on me. He had an amazing adventure planned for my life although I couldn’t see it at the time.
Within months of that suicide attempt I would be on a bus to Brazil where God would call me to full time missionary work. A year later I would be speaking at an addiction rehab center in Costa Rica, sharing my story and watching a full grown man cry as he traced self-inflicted scars on his arms. A year after that I would be in Zambia spending a month with an unreached tribe. After that, I would be in Belize serving beside my fiancé (the man who called me in the bathroom) as we painted broken-down homes. The next year I would be with my husband in Brazil as God pieced together the final preparations for us going onto the field full-time.
That brings us to 2012. My husband and I are watching as God miraculously weaves together His plan for our lives. I have never been so happy and so content. Sure I still struggle from time to time. I still wear the scars of my past failures and sometimes I doubt God’s plan, but I can tell you this. God has never given up on me. Even when I denied Him and relied on my own strength to solve my problems, He still had plans for me.
Regardless of what you have been through. No matter how broken you are. God has a plan for your life. Just be patient.
By: Kaelynn Judd
Amy Hunt says
I am in awe every single time I See worship in the living and your writing about how God has moved you and been *in* your moments, it is truly worship. So beautiful. So line drawing to Him. That you moved as He moved you. That you served as He led you. It’s your obedience that is such worship.
Rich blessings, Kaelynn, as He continues to use your every moment–the ugly and the beautiful–to make a magnificent story for Him.
Kaelynn Judd says
Amy,
Thank you much for your sweet words!
~VA~ says
wow
Kaelynn Judd says
Thanks for reading!
Lisa says
And it is so comforting to know that he cares and loves each one of us. So much so that he will send messages of warning to others who can help and intervene. In this case your aquaintance, fiance and husband. Sounds like he saved you in more than one way. What an amazing story. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
Kaelynn Judd says
Lisa,
You are right. It is so comforting to recognize the incredible love that Christ has for each one of us. He has a wonderful plan for all of his children and He will stop at nothing to make sure that it is accomplished! Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Have a blessed day!
Gloria Gibbons says
Thank you for sharing something so personal from your life. The enemy meant to silence you from God’s work and calling but God had other plans. What a blessing your struggle has turned out to be… what a powerful testimony for the Glory of our God.
Keep moving forward with Him as He leads and directs.
Kaelynn Judd says
Gloria,
The Evil One is so clever isn’t he? He would love nothing more than to ruin God’s plans for His children. It is amazing and humbling to see how God can take all of our flaws and mistakes and turn them into something that can bring Him glory! Thank you for your encouraging words!
Jenni Saake "InfertilityMom" says
Thank you, for being so real, so vulnerable, and sharing how God met you in the midst…
Katie @ simply[his] says
Sharing your story, well, that took courage. But it’s such a clear picture of God’s redeeming and perfect love! Praise God He rescued you and lifted you out of the pit!!!!
Kaelynn Judd says
Thank you for the sweet words of encouragement!
Louise says
Thankyou for sharing, that was so inspiring! I am back in my hometown, unemployed, with no idea what the next step is. It’s an encouragement to be reminded that yes, He does have a plan for my life, even if I may not have figured it out yet!
Kaelynn Judd says
I’m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now! I hope that everything falls into place for you soon! God Bless!
Beth Williams says
Praying for a job & God’s guidance in your life! May He give you His perfect peace, mercy during this time.
Remember Jeremiah 29:11–“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you”.
Libby says
I needed to read this today too. Thanks!
Beth Williams says
kaelynn,
Thank you thank you thank you for you openness & honesty! The enemy is alwasy trying squealch us & deceive us into thinking we’re no good. But what he meants for evil–God used for His good–He turned ashes into beauty and gave you a wonderful testimony!
muchalone says
Thank you for sharing this…I’m so glad God intervened in your life at that crucial moment.
I spent 3 years praying to die…still have days I wish I could just end it all…but no longer every day…it is slow and agonizing…but I keep reading posts like this and finding that God still does reach down to His hurting children.
I love the way God is using you and your experiences.
Kaelynn Judd says
Hang in there! I can totally relate to your pain. I have spent so many days face down on my bedroom floor literally screaming at God to kill me. Life can just be so painful and lonely sometimes… God cares about you even more than you can possibly imagine though. He has a grand plan for your life that only you can uniquely fulfill. I’m praying for you tonight.
CHRISTINAELANGWE says
Thank you so much for this article A Spark of Hope. It is
CHRISTINAELANGWE says
This article was blessing to me. I am in the midst of very trying times now and there are times I used to have those thoughts though I have never tried to carry them out. There are times I just wonder if it is worth going on. I admire your frankness n sharing this and I shouted a big hallelujah at the end of it.To see how God made all things so beautiful at the end just gives me hope that everything will be alright. The devil wanted evil but the Lord brought out something beautiful even in the midst of despair
Kaelynn Judd says
Christina,
Life can be overwhelming… I think we all wonder if it is worth living at times. I’m sorry to hear that you are in the midst of a difficult situation, but I know that it does not have to be in vain. God has a wonderful plan for your life. He can take all of your pain, mistakes, and victories and turn them into a wonderful tool for your ministry. You are worth so much more than you know. Keep fighting the good fight! Never give up hope. God will make this painful time in your life something beautiful if you let him! God bless!
Phyllis says
Only God knows when your work is done. We hang on to our faith even when God said to my 4 month old Granddaughter or my 91 year old mother come unto me in my heavenly home, your work on earth is done. You, my dear, were saved because you have work yet undone! Look at what you wrote to all of us. Your words may be the foundation needed to make that difference someone is searching for in their own turbulant life. God works through us for the glory of his name. You have been chosen to be a messenger.
Kaelynn Judd says
Phyllis,
I’m sorry to hear about your losses. Life on earth can be so cruel at times. Thank you for the encouragement. I truly hope that God will continue to use my past failures to bring glory to His name. I don’t want any part of my life or my story to be wasted! I want to surrender everything to Him even the bad parts.
Shane says
Beautifully done. Thank you.
Lauren Alexander says
What an amazing redemption story!
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