I was recently asked the question, “What can 30-somethings do to encourage and build up the 20-somethings in their lives?” Really, what can one generation do for the next one to come?
As a 20-year-old, I’m half-way done with college {craziness. how did that happen?!} and am busy playing “catch-up” with all my friends back home. It’s amazing how much life happens between Christmas break and summer.
Over coffee, a friend and I talked of what God had been teaching us, and where life is headed this summer. For me, I’m continuing as the (in)tern at (in)courage, and am in the middle of spending five weeks serving high school students at Student Leadership University (a crash course on how to be a Christian leader at home, school, church, etc.). For my friend, her summer will be filled with church responsibilities, as she’s interning with our old high school youth group.
We’re spending our summers pouring ourselves out for both our generation and the generation to come.
The coffee was long gone, but neither of us made a move to leave. We had moved to talking about who had poured into us and one name came to mind.
Kelli.
My mentor (and also my friend’s mentor) for many years now, has been a leader in our youth group for as far back as I remember. She and her husband helped hold our youth group together through tough times, and she was (is) always first to volunteer their home for Blackout Bingo or other Board Game Nights.
When I think of my very favorite people in the world, those I want to be most like, Kelli is one of the first people to come to mind. She has poured into me more than I can ever give back to her, and even though I’m away at college, she has continued to encourage me from afar.
If you’re searching for a way to love on the college girl at church, encourage the single girl next door, or build up your niece, be a Kelli to her.
Here are some practical ideas to help you as you work to encourage us (and thank you, by the way, for caring about the 20-somethings. We notice, and we appreciate you.).
1. Invite her out for coffee. Even better, offer to pay for her drink. If she refuses, buy her a cookie to take with her. Chances are, if you’re meeting up with a college student, she’ll already be at a coffee shop studying. But honestly, what 20-something doesn’t like coffee or a cookie? There’s something a little magical about a cozy coffee shop…it just feels warm and casual inside, and it’s a great way to get away from the busy and get to know her.
2. Do you have children? Invite her to tag along next time you go to the park. Everyone needs some sunshine, and it’s a great break from her studying or job-searching. She’ll probably love your kids, and you’ll have an adult to talk to for an hour. Bring an extra water bottle for her to show that you were planning ahead and thinking of her/including her. Not every conversation needs to be serious and deep – relationships are built in the hurts and in the joys. A casual conversation at a park can lift both your spirits.
3. Ask her how you can be praying for her. And then actually pray for her. Follow up, and be specific. Show us that you remember. Write a card and include a bible verse.
4. While you’re at it, won’t you ask how we’re doing? When we answer, listen hard. If we breeze through with an “I’m fine,” ask again. Don’t be afraid to offend with an, “are you sure?” It shows you care and that you’re paying attention.
5. Include us in the little things. Ask if we’d like to babysit while you and your husband go out. Teach us about what you’re learning, and don’t shy away from talking about your own life a bit. We’re learning from you. Many of the biggest lessons Kelli has taught me come from simply watching the way she parents her boys or speaks to her husband. Just do life with us. It doesn’t need to always be perfectly planned out or super special. Call as you’re making dinner and ask if we want to help with the prep and stay for a meal.
6. Don’t be discouraged if we say no to your invitation the first time. Or the second time. Like you, we have lots of commitments and people depending on us. The difference is, our people can make their own meals and go to the bathroom by themselves. : ) With all our projects and meetings, we’re busy, too. Keep trying. We want to make time for you, so we will make time.
7. Be open about your life. We don’t expect you to have it all together, and we won’t learn anything or grow together in wisdom if your life is perfect. Share your Story with us – it’s powerful, and we’ll learn so much. Share with us details that you can, and we will learn to trust you with our own struggles. This takes time, and we have baggage, too. It’s much easier to open up when you begin to pave the way first. The view from the top will be even better if we face each step together.
8. Step in and be our mom when we need you. Sometimes I can’t hear wisdom out of my moms mouth, but if Kelli says the exact same words – suddenly everything makes sense! This is a tough line to walk, and it’s important to encourage the 20-something to talk with her parents first with big decisions, but sometimes she’s going to need another ear to listen. Remember that she looks up to you, and needs you. She’s reaching out – be there when she calls and when she falls.
9. Remember that you aren’t our mom, and sometimes you might need to step back and wait a little bit. We need you, but we also need our moms. It takes a lot of wisdom to know the difference between #8 and #9, but when you get to know us well, you’ll know when we’ll hear encouragement better from your lips. My mom is my biggest cheerleader, but don’t we all at times think, “well she’s just saying that because she’s my mom…she has to think I’m great!” Sometimes, we just need you to be that cool older sister we always wanted. : )
10. Keep the lines of communication open. Time and again, Kelli has told me I can text or call her any time of the day or night. I’m 12 hours from home, but she sends me care packages to remind me she’s thinking of me, and when I post exciting news on Facebook I can count on her to message me an encouraging note. Something as simple as, “I knew you could do it! I’m proud of you!” speaks volumes.
I hope this list is able to give you a few ideas for how to reach our and encourage those 20-somethings, but most of all just know this:
Don’t try to pull everything together before inviting us into your life, and trust that we want the friendship just as much as you do. We can learn from you, and you can learn from us. When you’re real about your life, it won’t go unnoticed. The best way to build us up isn’t always to sit down for a deep, four hour conversation – though there’s a time and place for that. Just do life with us, day in and day out. Treat as as an equal in this big crazy world.
Most of all, just be you.
And if you can’t remember a single line from this post, just live out this verse: Love us much and love us well.
So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Philippians 1:9
By: Kaitlyn, the 20-something who (in)terns here at (in)courage. Kelli, this one is for you. I hope one day I can be the mentor and friend you’ve always been for me. And for my mom, my biggest cheerleader.
Original photo source: one, two, three
Jamie says
Thanks for this – my sister is in her early 20’s, and almost a decade younger than me. I’ve been looking for ways to be an encouragement to her lately and this post did a lot to remind me what it felt like to be her age and what I needed at that point!
Kaitlyn says
I’m so glad it was able to give you a few ideas! It’s the little stuff, really!
Jas says
I like it well done. I’m 3 years into my 30’s and don’t really have many 20 something’s in my life where we live but I do have what I call a Christian cousin whom we have known for since forever who is a 20 something and your “love us and love us well” really is a reminder of investing more in this relationship through fb, whatsapp and to show her how much I care as my friend, my equal. Thanks for the inspiration!
Kaitlyn says
I love this picture of cousins encouraging each other. You’ve probably known her for so long that you have your own list of ways to build her up, but you’re right – just considering her your equal will go a long way.
Bev Duncan @ Walking Well With God says
Kaitlyn,
I don’t know what I would have done without having mentors in my life!! “Titus women” who are there for the next generation. I am also here to say that you are NEVER too old to need a mentor in your life. Even at 50+, I still value the friendship of women older than me because, honestly, we never truly have it all together at any age! I really appreciated your concrete ideas to be a mentor to someone in their early 20’s. You took me back in time and helped me to remember what life was like at that age and what you need. I pray that God will give me opportunities to “just be me” to young women like yourself. Wonderful and helpful post!
Blessings,
Bev
Kaitlyn says
Yes! We can always use the wisdom of the generation before us, and the encouragement they bring. Just knowing they’ve made it through is encouragement in itself sometimes. : )
Wanda says
Kaitlyn, you provided such excellent ideas and took me back to a time when I was in college. We often forget just how meaningful the small things can be.
Kaitlyn says
Thanks Wanda. : ) The little things make such a difference…
Kate says
I turned 30 a few weeks ago. How did I enter into this era SO quickly? Weird…that this post is actually for me 🙂 ENJOY your twenties – they.go.fast.
Good words. Great reminder.
Kind Blessings,
Kate 🙂
Kaitlyn says
We’ll just pretend you’re still 29… : ) This post is for everyone! A reminder to pour into those that come after you.
Stacey Thacker says
Lunch with you made me remember how much I love to hang out with college students! Loved our time together! You are a special girl and God has big plans for you girl!
Your story inspires me!
xo,
Stacey
Kaitlyn says
I’m SO glad we finally got to meet in person! You’re so sweet and I can’t wait to hear even more about this book God has given you. Keep writing girl! Even through the pruning.
Penny says
Kaitlyn for a twenty something these are extremely wise words,well done .I am now in a position to be that mentor and can appreciate even more how fortunate I was to have Kelli’s in my life.
I also need to remind myself that when people reach out to be that Kelli to my own children to allow them to .
This is a very inspiring post thank-you so much for sharing it.
Penny
Kaitlyn says
Thank you Penny! I really appreciate your kind words. Love that second part, about allowing other people to be a Kelli to your children. Yes!! You’ll always be their mom, but having a Kelli makes a huge different, too. : )
Diane samson says
Great words to remember, especially for those who have the college years behind us (more than a few years). As I still have two teenage boys at home, I know there is a need for women mentors to all ages. Thanks for reminding me to pour into another young woman’s life. I will focus on this in my quiet moments with God, for Him to lead me to just th right young gal.
Kaitlyn says
I’ll be praying for this for you, also. That He would bring to mind a girl that is looking for a Kelli, and that you will step in and be that for her!
Vanessa says
Kaitlyn, I’m sending you a huge hug 🙂 I have really loved getting to know you through Chasing History and FMF. You are simply a blessing and a joy to be around! I just entered my 30s (though my mom would say I’ve been in my 40s for most of my life ;)), and I really want to encourage the younger generation.
This brings to mind this verse:
“One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.” – Psalm 145:4
“Just do life with us.” – I love this. This is some of the best advice! Love and hugs to you today!
Kaitlyn says
What a PERFECT verse for this! Absolutely perfect. Yes, that we would declare His mighty acts to the next generation.
Lesley says
Kaitlyn, as a twenty-one year old trying to figure out her place and calling in the world, I completely agree with you! The things you’ve listed here are the cry of not only my heart, but the hearts of so many other women our age. There seems to be such a movement within our generation to seek the advice and wisdom of women who have already been through our stage in life.
Thank you for sharing this!
Kaitlyn says
So nice to ‘meet’ someone else online that’s my age! I’ll be thinking of you, Lesley, and praying that our generation will find Kelli’s and be a Kelli to a younger girl as well.
Suzanne says
Thanks Kaitlyn,
This is great advise for any age group to apply to the next generation. I really appreciate your words today they have given me some ideas on how to “friendship” well with my younger women in my life 🙂
Suzanne
Kaitlyn says
So glad to hear they were able to give you a few new ideas!
Michelle says
I am 48 and have a 21 year old college student renting my guest room for the summer. We met at Bible Study at church and have had a nice time getting to know each other outside church functions.
I really appreciated reading this blog and seeing where I have already been a good mentor to “my summer roommate”, even without doing so intentionally but just by being me. Now I see how I may shift my actions to be more intentional. I’m grateful for the suggestion to be a positive presence in this lovely young woman’s life, now and after she goes back to school in the fall.
Thank you!
Kaitlyn says
What a perfect opportunity, and how great that you can see you’ve already been building her up without even trying! I hope in the fall you’ll keep it up and continue being intentional!
Gwen says
I had this woman in my life. I was 14… She led a girls Bible study for a Modge Podge of high school girls back when this was not done!! Over 40 years ago. She still teaches adult women and just a couple weeks ago, we held a first true time of honoring her for all she sacrificed to teach us. Her teaching us about the Word and dealing with life and hard times and even how to grieve when her sick child we all loved died my senior year were life lessons to trust God always. And this was hard stuff. What blessings we shared at our reunion and the joy filled hours of The Lord so near. I now am there for other young women I know over the years and it changes…but one always lets me know how to reach her and expects me to read a Bible passage and pray over her. Yes. Your impact changes the life even still impacted 40 years later.
Kaitlyn says
Gwen, this encouraged ME to know people have been pouring into each other for so long, even before “it was commonly done.” What a beautiful time of honoring her, it seems. These sort of relationship leave such lasting effects.
Amy Tilson says
What an amazing list and encouragement to be a “Kelli” to someone who may really need it. Can’t wait to meet you girl. You constantly amaze me. 🙂
Kaitlyn says
So soon! Can’t wait to meet you, too! : )
Kim says
Yes ma’am – that’s MY girl writing here today! Kaitlyn, I am over the top proud of you!
Love forever,
Your Biggest Cheerleader
Kaitlyn says
Thanks Mom : ) I love you, too.
Wendy says
So proud of you Kaitlin! Great article. Think they are all such food points.
Kaitlyn says
Thank you Wendy!
Beth Williams says
Kaitlyn,
Great ideas for mentoring at any age. We could all use a little advice or friendship now and then!
Kaitlyn says
Yes! Thanks Beth!
Heather says
I love idea #6 – Don’t be discouraged if we say no the first time. When I was in my twenties and living far from home, I couldn’t say yes to all of the invitations the first time (for various reasons) and sometimes there wasn’t a second invitation. I didn’t have accommodations to allow for me to invite people over so sometimes I felt like I missed out on getting to know some great people. Now that I’m in my 30s and am able to play hostess, it’s also a good reminder for me to ask others over — multiple times if necessary!
Kaitlyn says
Yes – it’s so hard to turn invitations down but sometimes we just have to, as you said. I always hate when there isn’t another invitation – I don’t want to invite myself over and ‘get in the way!’ Keep asking, girl, and welcome people in no matter the size or cleanliness of your house. : )
Mary Langford says
This was a very helpful article for me. I loved the different suggestions and insights.
Kaitlyn says
I’m so glad to hear this!
Autumn Weil says
What a great article! So wise, and really made me stop to think about the impact I had on my mentee, but too the impact she had on me. So of our silliest moments, were the Times we bonded the most! I miss her a lot, and this has inspired me to try to be more constant in her life even though I moved many miles away. Thanks!!