Dr. Jennifer Thomas is an author, speaker, psychologist and blogger who provides tips on what to say when challenging conversations arise. In her book When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love, she and Gary Chapman share new ways to effectively approach and mend fractured relationships. They help you offer apologies that are fully accepted, rekindle love that has been dimmed by pain, restore and strengthen valuable relationships, and trade in tired excuses for honesty, trust, and joy.
Happy Wednesday!
As you travel through life, you may have noticed these things: Some people never seem to apologize, even heartfelt apologies sometimes fail, and some people have trouble forgiving. Consider these four women who carry around distress like a roomy handbag:
- Hannah had overlooked signs of mold in her house and now she is facing medical and financial ruin. She feels panic as her bills mount and she feels deep guilt for having ignored the odor of mold for years.
- Tiffany had left her husband for a married man who then married her but treated her poorly. She feels a constant pit in her stomach and berates herself for not having guarded her first marriage.
- Madison had poured her efforts into dieting, only to regain all the weight she had lost plus much more. She obsesses about her weight and self-hatred wells up inside her on a daily basis.
- Tracy had created a scene in a restaurant over a mistake on her bill. She feels a flush of shame every time she remembers the waiter whom she treated harshly.
Four sets of regrets. The issues may be large or small but they all leave a bitter taste that is hard to ignore. The women all hold powerful grudges and they cannot bury their pain. As a psychologist, I’ve learned from many women how very hard it is to offer forgiveness. For some people, it’s nearly impossible. Who is the hardest person for them to forgive? Themselves.
Anger at yourself when you feel you’ve “blown it” in some way is normal. When I let myself or others down, I literally want to kick myself. Some people call themselves names and punish themselves. Here is a healthy way to handle unforgiveness toward yourself:
- Admit that what you did was unwise, wrong, or hurtful to others or to yourself.
- If needed, apologize to the people you have offended, and hope they will forgive you.
- Consciously apologize to yourself and choose to forgive yourself.
Being at peace comes when you release your regrets and come to terms with yourself in the here and now. There is tremendous power in apologizing to oneself. Maybe you have failed to protect your family, failed to live up to your moral standards, or failed to meet your own high goals. With forgiveness, you can walk with your head held high and a new spring in your step. Also, you’ll have greater energy for getting outside of yourself and caring for the needs of others.
While apologizing to others may bring healing to human relationships, self-apology and forgiveness restore your peace of mind. Apologizing to yourself and choosing to forgive yourself opens up the possibility of a future that is far brighter than you have ever dreamed.
What would you say? Do you have more trouble forgiving yourself than others?
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Bev Duncan @ Walking Well With God says
Jennifer,
I am usually pretty gracious in forgiving others, but myself? That’s a different story. I believe the enemy knows that is my Achilles heal and he goes after it all the time with self condemnation. Romans 8:1 is a much used tool in my scripture emergency kit…”Therefore, there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I believe that God would have me be more gentle and forgiving with myself and this verse is my steady reminder. I have learned much from your posts thus far!!
Blessings,
Bev
Jennifer Thomas says
Bev, I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my two posts over here. Thanks for sharing!
Sarah Schulz says
Yes, yes. This is what I have been learning this past year (among many other things): how to forgive myself, that I cannot forgive others (or even apologize, sometimes) unless I have forgiven myself.
Along with that has come an ability to speak up when I have been wronged, to accept my own pain, and to start to try to be vulnerable and let people know when their words or actions have offended me–rather than assuming that it’s more Christian or loving to pretend that I cannot be hurt.
Jennifer Thomas says
Sarah, my goodness, you’ve been hard at work. Thank you for sharing your insights!
Julie Sunne says
Absolutely it is most difficult to forgive myself! This post is definitely worth sharing–thanks, Jennifer.
Jennifer Thomas says
Julie, I’m glad you agree. Best wishes to you!
Joanne Peterson says
I know I can’t change my past, and what hurts me most is how my actions have hurt my children, especially my daughter. I’ve been working on the issues for many years, and in real earnest for the past 5 years. Then I’m okay, then I start the downward spiral of me taking all the responsibility for my daughter’s issues and choices.
Joanne
Jennifer Thomas says
Joanne, blessings to you as you continue on your journey of healing. Thanks for sharing!
Ty says
Ive having an extremely hard time forgiving myself. I beat myself up hourly for my abortion. Im not ashamed to say I did it. I didnt want to. It was forced. I cant forgive myself for taking the life of someone who was innocent and only wanted love from me. Why didnt I fight harder? Why didnt I run out the door? Ive written here before and I hate to write books. But how do I forgive myself for murder?
Valerie says
Ty, Have you taken the study called “Forgiven and Set Free”? Or “Surrendering the Secret”? Both can be taken alone, or in a group. I’m not sure about “Forgiven…”, but “Surrendering the Secret” has a website where you can find a group meeting in your area. Very helpful bible studies and they both really make a strong and profound impact. You would learn more about forgiving yourself and though it sounds impossible, how to lose the weight of carrying this pain around with you 24/7. I took both; I can breath again, I’m ok with myself and that fateful decision. They were hard and painful studies, but I’m better for it.
Jennifer Thomas says
Valerie, thank you for having shared your resource and wisdom with Ty. May the Lord bless you and others who carry this burden and who may need sweet reminders of His grace.
Ty says
Thank you immensely Valerie for responding. I have reached out everywhere for help with this pain and Im met with a deafening silence everytime. No one will talk about this. Im like wow I have to suffer in silence. Im on week 7 of Forgiven and Set Free. I would love to do Surrender The Secret. I looked on Amazon its 200.00 I dont have that. I watch some footage on YouTube of it. Thank you Valerie. You dont know what it means for someone at least 1 to say something.
Beth Williams says
Ty,
Prayers for you to forgive yourself and heal from the pain of past decisions. Know that God has forgiven you and He loves you more than ever.
Blessings TY! 🙂
Heidi Fuller says
Jennifer,
In my experience, it is more difficult to forgive myself than others. My general mind-set has been very self-deprecating over the years, so the tendency to assume the blame for any regrets comes easily to me. It seems like this is a common problem, and I’m not sure whether it’s a function of our culture, or our gender…. but it’s certainly not how God wants us to live. We give shame and regret entirely too much power over us.
It can just be so difficult to wrap our minds around the grace that can forgive us over and over again… despite everything. Despite ANYTHING! We cannot turn away enough times to deny Him. We need to remember that He DESIGNED love. He can love us in ways that we cannot imagine, or begin to understand.
“You bear all the things that I have done… and all I’ve yet to do. Already placed upon Your son the blame and price of my salvation. You value me more than I comprehend… reassembling, daily, my whole… and you always, always endure me. Me.. and my mess of a soul.” [How to Love, (1 Cor 13), from http://thewordspoken.org/2013/08/16/how-to-love-1-cor-13%5D
Jennifer Thomas says
Heidi- I think you have a gift of teaching. I hope you have now and/or will have opportunities to share your deep insights. Thanks for sharing!
Krista says
I feel like God sent me this message in response to how I have been feeling lately. I do ok for a while then it seems I can blame
Myself for everything that’s wrong in my marriage, with my kids, and I start sinking…. Then God speaks to me in this way, sending me a message reminding me of His forgiveness and unconditional love. I don’t know of I will ever be able to grasp it!
Jennifer Thomas says
Krista, I’m glad this post reached your place of need. May you feel the full measure of His grace.
Velma says
I beat myself up alot because of not learning to let things go. I rehatch and play it over and over in my mind. I do eventually release it to the Lord, or it will cause me to stagnate. I’m not sure if I solve it or just surpress it, or hope it goes away. But I have to trust God it will be Okay. In fact I kind of forgave myself today for messing things up, not completely things, letting people down, letting God down. It is such a load I feel pain sometimes. Is there a difference between letting thing go and forgiving myself? Thanks
Jennifer Thomas says
Velma, you’re not alone. I can’t stand it when people are mad at me and it’s very hard to get it out of my head. Good question about any difference between letting things go and forgiving yourself. I’d say that the latter brings greater closure and peace although either one beats continuing to criticize yourself, right? 🙂
Beth Williams says
I find it hard to forgive myself for some past mistakes–even if they are minor. The devil just whispers stupid, dumb, idiot, not smart why even try anymore. It takes a lot of prayer and love from my hubby to get over these feelings of inadequacy!
Rosie says
Dear Jennifer,
thank you for your encouraging words. Maybe everyone knows that he is too hard to himself but it is hard to do what we still know!
Most of my anxiety of never being enough, never loving enough, everyday being to unorganized or not to turn enough affection after work to my family comes from the wish deep inside me to be perfect to accept myself.
Thank you for your words of truth. Write more of them!
Rosie