Recently I sat at a Starbucks watching a group of high school girls hang out. I listened as they talked about their day, and thought, “You know… Nothing has really changed about the conversations and topics of high school.”
We are a culture that operates out of created groups. We learn how to belong through gravitating toward like-minded people. Every high school has the same social groups now as they did 15 years ago when I was there.
We called our like-minded group of friends our community, but in reality they were cliques. There is a distinct difference. Cliques do not allow room for community.
I watched these girls and laughed because my friends now are so different. My closest friends are made up of a mismatched group of gifts, personalities, fears, looks, and passions. One of my closest friends and I joke all the time that we would not have been friends in high school. Our “reputations” and judgments would not have let that happen.
Community ceases to be community when it becomes a clique.
There is no room for community in a clique. Cliques are closed to anyone new joining in. Cliques enforce a hierarchy of judgment someone needs to pass in order to be allowed in. You essentially have to “try out” to be a part of a clique.
It makes me sad when I see cliques in the Church. Clique mentality has no room in the community of the Church body. We are all made in His image. We are all invited to walk a life journey with the same God.
Look at the disciples.
Some would say that the twelve disciples were a clique. I would say that they were the first real community. Look at the mixed match-up of those guys! The community of disciples consisted of different personalities, passions, interests, looks, temperaments, gifts, strong wills, extroverts, introverts, popular, and the loathed. There was no reason these guys should’ve been doing life together! They didn’t make sense to be together as a group.
But isn’t this true community?
Community is made up of all of those who are trying to do life well, and follow after the same invitation to do life with Him.
Community takes a chance on people. Community sees and invites the heart of another to be known and loved.
What are your thoughts on community?
What makes community for you?
tcaster says
I appreciate your insight. I believe that community is the body of Christ in its totality. A whole bunch of misfits coming together to learn, share, grow and invest in one another for the sole purpose of encouraging each other and extending the kingdom.
Tracee Persiko says
True story! we are all so different and make up the total image of who God is. I love how you said that we are all misfits! Great imagery!
Kim says
“Community sees and invites the heart of another to be known and loved.” Beautiful. I had never thought of community in this context before. I am actually drawn to people and situations that are different from my norm. I want to know their story. Their opinions and ideas. I grow as an individual in Christ when I enrich my life with what others have to contribute.
Tracee Persiko says
I love your perspective, Kim! Not many people choose to pursue those who think differently and have different opinions. I am grateful you do. That is a gift to so many. I am with you. I love hearing the stories of others. I love conversations that push my thoughts and preconceived notions.
Camilla Blue says
I have struggled a bit in church when “cliques” justify themselves with the label of “community”. I agree with and appreciate your honesty about the distinction. Small groups have often puzzled me when “full,” because they can feel exclusive rather than inclusive. I have often heard leaders and lay people justify “closing” a group by comparing to Jesus 12 disciples.
Tracee Persiko says
True story Camilla. It is so hard to break into groups that are already existing. I found that hard having moved to a new city and started going to a new church. When group are hard to get into that fine line of community and clique is hard to see. I am so sorry you have experienced that kind of dismissed effect. It hurts. Have you found a good group that you can be yourself with yet?
Shari says
I have struggled with community within church as well. There are sooooo many cliques within the church and with girlfriends, even though I am in my 50’s. I have a Life Group and would never consider closing it to others. It’s for women, and it’s all about community. Based on the Dayspring (in)RL Getting to the Nitty Gritty. Exciting, but scary time for everyone. Getting to know everyone on a vulnerable level. Not hurting feelings. Loving. Unconditionally. Sisters in Christ.
Tracee Persiko says
I love that you are conscious of including others! That is so under appreciated I think. I love how Dayspring has created opportunities for women to find good friends and community. Such a gift. Real community is all about loving well in the midst of where everyone is experiencing and doing life together.
Julie Sunne says
Great insight, Tracee!
Tracee Persiko says
Thank you Julie! Have you found a good community where you are?
Chris Vonada says
Very well said Tracee.
Tracee Persiko says
Thank you Chris! Have you found good community in your season of life right now?
Tony J. Alicea says
This is a great article and one that needs to be talked about. I believe the greatest danger with cliques is that the people in them are many times oblivious (adults, at least) to the fact that they have formed them.
Tracee Persiko says
I agree friend! I wish the fine line between community and clique wasn’t so hidden. It can be both subtle and blatant. I wish we were all more inviting as people. I wish “different” didn’t intimidate us so much. Some of my closest friends are those completely different then myself.
How have you and Katie found good community as a married couple and now as parents?
Patty Muich says
I live in an apartment building with 2 different cliques. Strangely I am welcome in both. In high school it was the very same way. I was wanted by the ‘upper crust’ but fit in with the ‘bottom crust’ just as well.
Then and now I choose to smile and go my own way. I will not be part of the cliques. In high school I created my own community and now? I found my community here on (in)courage and have been taught, prayed over and loved right here. I wish the cliques could find that peace.
Would that make me a middle clique chick? 🙂
Love,
Patty
Tracee Persiko says
Ha! Middle Clique Chick! love it. I am glad you don’t feel the pressure to “fit in” or like you have to try. I love that you are confident in you enough to do your own thing and be a part of a community that loves on you well. LOVE that (in)courage has blessed you so much!
Stephanie says
Love this! So much wisdom and truth here! We should strive to thrive as a community focused on edification, encouragement, transparency and inclusiveness. Giving self and grace. Cliques leave out, shut out and exclude. “….but the greatest of these is love…” Thank you!
Tracee Persiko says
True story Stephanie! We should be people who invite and want to include. We should want to know and be known well. Too many people fear different.
Etta says
I am so glad you wrote about this Tracee. Ran into this very situation at my church. The ladies had a Small Group Game Night, where all small groups come together and play board games. Sounds like fun, huh? Well, only me and three other ladies shown up. I said, “so this is where you can join any small group?” The response was, “oh no. You don’t join a small group. They will make another when there is enough interested women.” Wow, I about fell out of my seat. Never heard of such a thing. I have yet to be added to “a new small group”, but then, I’m thinking I would rather be able to sit with, visit with, enjoy activities with any woman who attends, not just because she’s in my group.
Tracee Persiko says
What’s that about? I know there are reasons small groups are capped to stay small, but there are ways of communicating that. dang! sorry you still haven’t found an inviting place to land in community. That feels hard. I am with you on just hanging with whomever!
Madison says
Hi! I’m a high school student, and I can definitely identify with this. It’s so hard trying to fit in, and find the right group of friends. So many of the girls think they are too “cool” to include others. It’s hard. If you’d pray with me for a group of friends, that would be really appreciated! Thanks so much xx
Tracee Persiko says
Oh dang, Madison that is so hard. There is such pressure to feel like you have to mold to fit in. There always “those” girls who think they are too cool. It takes more courage and character to just step up and love on whomever, whenever. People are more valuable than cliques display. I would love to pray for you here!
Father, I pray for Madison. I ask that you would bring people into her life that show her true value and love. I pray she would see you more through friends that can be real and stand with her through every day life. I also pray that you would give Madison wisdom to be a good friend as well. Show her how to do life well with and for other’s. Protect her heart from push back and cliques. Give her courage to risk and invite people to do life with her. In your name we believe….amen!
Madison says
Thank you so much! Made my day 🙂
Beth Williams says
Madison,
Praying for a group/community of friends–even if it small.
Father God,
Help Madison find some friends to be with and share life with. Bring people into her life that will encourage and uplift her. Send her Christian friends that are real and can do life with her–be there for her when she hurts and rejoice when she is happy.
AMEN
Holle Gerth says
Amen and Amen. May we always keep our arms and hearts open.
Tracee Persiko says
True story! It takes courage and risk. I hope we become a people more willing to do so.
Danielle says
So true. To me (if I’m on the “inside”) that clique can feel like community…yet it really isn’t without open hearts to others and diversity.
Tracee Persiko says
So true, Danielle. Being on the inside can be blinding to what other’s might see. It is always a good challenge for me to be aware of who else is around, and what is happening. I am a huge fan of diversity!
Beth Williams says
Tracee,
I. so agree with your statement. I believe God formed us for community to be with one another. After all in Genesis He said it is not right for man to be alone. I will make him a helper. He wants us to be in groups to encourage each other. It doesn’t matter if the group/community is small or big.
Do not be cliquish and exclude people. That is not being Christ-like at all. It is being selfish.
Tracee says
Well said Beth. Hoping you have some sweet community and life long friends in your life!
Sharon says
Community to me is a group of people willing to open up their lives and live life together, celebrating with each other and working through the hard stuff together; challenging each other. It’s scary to be real with others, but so worth it (in most cases, anyway!).
I have experienced being part of some amazing communities and some really unhealthy ones. Thankfully, I still appreciate and long for that deep community in the midst of experiencing some really hard stuff.