Angie wrote this beautiful post in 2012 and it’s a message that continues to resonate.
I have an almost-constant internal dialogue that tells me that nobody really likes me. They pretend to. They put up with me. And then they walk away and talk about how they think I’m this-and-that and not enough the-other-thing.
Do you like butterflies? I do.
Sigh.
Don’t say the thing you’re about to say, because although I appreciate it {No, Ang! We all love you! Everybody loves you! We have all decided that you are the most-loved, most-appreciated, best-at-everything-ever person in the universe! There has never been another human with your sense of…whoa. Anyway, you know what I’m saying}, it isn’t what I’m looking for here.
I just need an “Amen.”
Do you ever just need a good, old-fashioned, “Amen!” to remind you you’re not in the minority?
These past few weeks have been really, really hard. I’ve had to face some old demons in the realm of, “Actually, Ang? Nobody needs you. Nobody thinks you’re all that great. They smile and nod and tell you that and then they go somewhere else where all the smart and funny people live.”
My internal dialogue has a sense of humor, at least.
This morning when I was getting dressed, I overheard Abby telling our new sitter that when I was a little girl people used to throw pencils at the back of my head on the school bus. I don’t know what made her think of that story but she remembered a lot of details I had forgotten I even told her. I sat with my head against the bedroom wall and I could hear the muffled words and pieced together what she was saying. I closed my eyes and felt the tears sting because the truth is, words hurt me more today than the pencils ever did.
I think I trust too much and believe that people are always going to love me as deeply as I love them. It doesn’t always work out that way, which means that sometimes I am left with the question that haunts us all:
“Was it worth it?”
I must confess, there have been many times in my walk with Jesus that I have wondered if I have wounded Him enough for Him to ask the same question. He doesn’t see it that way, I know. But was I worth all of this?
I’m not going to let the melancholy hang around long enough to bruise me, but there is a place for it.
It’s the moment where we sit right there in the worst of it. We let the hurtful words, the silence, the misunderstanding, all of it just burn a little on our skin. We don’t live there, no. We just visit to remind ourselves that even when it looks like crooked love, it’s still under His grace.
We breathe {I breathe}
We pray {I pray}
We believe {I believe}
That it was worth the risk.
I’m so deeply carved that the water always settles in, and the more I accept it, the more I will acknowledge my propensity to be filled with His mercy.
I don’t forget the pencils, but I remember the wood that carved them.
I don’t forget the words, but I remember the One who speaks truth.
It’s the kind of day where I need a refuge, and in that…
It’s the kind of day I’m grateful there is One.
So true, so true.:)
Angie,
I, too, am one of those people who trusts and loves deeply. Sometimes it is hard being me in a world full of people who can be pretty cruel sometimes. But there is a place and a need for the tender hearts and I believe that we feel God’s love more deeply and are able to pass it on at a deeper level as well…call me crazy! Wonderful post!
Blessings,
Bev
This so resonates with me.
As a child going to children’s birthday parties I would spend the entire journey there quizzing my long suffering mum as to whether I had really been invited.
I would always remove myself from situations where you needed a partner so no one had to go with me
I would often say to friends as a teenager ‘let me know when you’re fed up with me and I’ll go away’ Prefering that to the feeling that people were just putting up with me or just tolerating me because they were too kind to do otherwise.
This thinking transfered over into my thinking about God. He tolerated me because He is kind.
Thank you for this post xx
So sorry for sudden ending to my last comment. Just couldn’t continue, needed to sit with the feelings for a moment. Maybe I am human after all!
Yes Ruth! I found out I was human this fall after years of pain finally made the trek to my heart. Sometimes it’s good to curl up with it for a while. Don’t know if this is what you’re experiencing or not, but I wrote about some of my experience here.
http://marcyholder.com/2013/12/06/falling-apart-for-the-sake-of-real/
Marcy, thank you, I’m finally crying. I needed this, so much and for so, so long.
Bless you xx
Amen! Angie. You are not alone in these feelings.
I am right there with you. My friend said this past weekend that the biggest battle is between our ears. Satan is so clever and deceptive, the Father of Lies.
We must speak Truth over our negative self talk every day. What a battle this life is between good and evil!
Go Christians. We can do this!
“You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.” 1John 4:4
Beautiful! We have all Ben there!
Thank you for speaking truth today. I read Galatians 6:9 this morning – Let us not grow weary in doing good. For me, I needed to be reminded that all it begins with Him. His love for me, in me, through me. To pause and be filled up by Him, to be still in the heartache and let the Healer transform the hurt inside. Something very hurtful happened this morning. Unkind words and action by one I love. Praying for wisdom, for the strength to guard my heart and to stand in the truth of who God has created me to be regardless of the heartache. And then for the courage to appropriately shine God’s love in my response
Yep that’s me! Depressed n feel so alone. I have so much to be happy for I do cry almost everyday at least once. How do you like yourself?
I connected with your words so many years ago when I first read your blog, but now after reading this I’m convinced we’re surely long lost twins. Thanks for always being amazingly imperfect and making me feel understood. 🙂
Oh how I love this because I think to be honest, we all feel like this sometimes. I help others all the time. I go out of my way for them all the time…only to find out that they only call me when they need something, or if someone else is not available then I am good enough. I put my heart and soul into my friendships only to find that most people are not your true friends here on earth. It’s all about them, what they need and then they throw you out like an old shoe. It’s even worse when you overhear someone talking about you and then they get caught…it is so hurtful. Women can be the worst too…they get so catty and jealous. Instead of building each other up they tear each other down. Not my kind of friends…probably why I like animals so much better lol! I value my friendships and I would go to the end of the earth for them. But, 99.9% of my friends would not do that for me. The one thing I rest on is that God would be proud of me for helping them. And, I can always count on God…he will never forsake me. Thank you LORD!
Amen, Sister, Amen! I need that today. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
AMEN!
Angie, you are soooo not alone. Those questions are still triggered in my thoughts from time to time. Someone who is supposed to love me says or does something, reminding me that I am “less than,” “not enough.” But, as you shared, I too, am day by day learning to renew my thinking, remember Who made me enough—because He fills me, indwells me. Because He created me, because He’s crazy-in-love with me. Go figure that one out.
Thanks for this ministering post today. Truly a timeless message.
Amen, Angie. I do feel with you. I know how deeply words hurt. You have comforted my heart today by reminding me I’m not alone and by your encouraging words – “I don’t forget the pencils, but I remember the wood that carved them. I don’t forget the words, but I remember the One who speaks truth.” Love this! Thank you so much for sharing today.
All I can say is “I get it”. I have the same tendency to listen to those internal dialogues and love deeply. I get it. This all resonates deeply in me!
AMEN!
I only know how to love deeply and make life long commitments so I’ve made a lot of friends along life’s journey. I would not usually tell anyone but my friend this. Life is far too short. I know how to love. Only deeply.
:0
For life.
Wow, Angie, AMEN! This is another example of why I love (in)courage. How is it that so many of us spend so many years thinking we are the only ones feeling this way? Thank you!
Amen…
Oh this resonates so strongly with me. It’s so difficult for me to accept anyone not liking me, let alone, understanding how the ones who were supposed to love me, didn’t at least not in the ways that I had hoped and often times in the ways that they should…
So thankful that despite all my faults and failures, my fears and doubts, my Heavenly Father’s love for me never waivers!
Thanks for your transparency Angie and for the laughs, I’m pretty sure we could be bff’s 🙂
Needed this today. So thankful God’s love is so much deeper than merely tolerating me. The fact he loves me just the same even when I turn my back on him and would never have been worth it by human standards makes his love all the sweeter. Really trying to let the depth of his love sink in right now… Otherwise I will continue to believe the pervasive lies of the enemy that try to convince me otherwise. Praise God he doesn’t have the final say on who I am and my worth! Jesus’ blood speaks a better word.
So very well said! With such vulnerability and rawness! I struggle with this daily. It is easier for me to think back on the times that have been rejected rather than the times I have been accepted. I have developed this tendency to sabatoge my relationship working under the assumption that sooner or later they will reject me. Recently my husband pointed this out to me. This was a break point. Now I step out seeking the courage only God can provide to give of myself rather than thinking in terms of what I can get.
You have managed to write the words that I so often think. All I can say is, AMEN
Thank you for sharing, seems like this is the first person or blog or ANYONE that relates exactly to how I feel on a daily basis……just when I thought there was no hope I read this blog post……this is hard to experience regularly. Heartbrokenness. But I appreciate your post so much…thank you.
Angie, I felt like you were speaking for me too… You have expressed so succinctly the deep hurt, brokenness, and sense of rejection that so many of us have suffered, and also portrayed the sensitivity and bewilderment of our souls when others callously wound us with their cruel words and actions.
Thank God for our faith in Jesus, Mary and the saints – our spiritual source of refuge, comfort and healing.
Amen
Continue being who the Father created you to be “a lover”. People like you are living examples of the faith.
I can honestly say, it’s hard for me to love deeply without first having people earn it (with the exception of my kids, close friends and family). I tend to be sensitive and very cautious due to disappointment, hurt and betrayal.♥ Thanks to the reminder that our Savior endured the same things and more for us… By learning to deeply embrace God’s everlasting love and allow the Holy Spirit to lead me, I am able to give away His love without fear. As the Father continues to be the heart mender and mind regulator that He is, I am confident we will all be transformed into fully devoted followers/ doers of Christ. Thank you for sharing this.
Angie,
I love to deeply also. Yes our battle lies within the ears. Satan so craftily will tell me “you’re not smart enough, good enough, pretty enough, etc.” Some days I’m tempted to believe it & it makes me cry and get angry.
Then I remember the words of God..I loved you soo much that I died a cruel death on the cross just for you. You are my Child, loved & beautiful!
I’ve found with most women I talk to that we can remember a good amount of the hurtful things people have said to us over the years. It is a true fight to trust the words of God and his love for us over the things that seem to wound and pierce us. Keep fighting!
Amen! We abide in the Truth of His Word, and when we allow that knowledge to fill us, we can continue to grow in His Love and share that Love with others.