I knew it was coming. I had suspected it would be soon, but when the time came it still hit me hard.
The end of a job I had loved – an unexpected, yet temporary, opportunity that only God could have orchestrated.
I had numbly stared at the email pink slip when it arrived in my inbox, not really sure how to feel about something I knew was inevitable.
I casually emailed a friend about what happened and she replied simply with, “Go ahead and grieve it.”
Five simple words and yet the minute I read them the floodgates opened. It was like all I needed was permission.
I’m new to this “I matter” idea. That considering myself means accepting how I feel and not harassing myself until I get over it. These old patterns frequently threaten me. Because to me, what I lost was not significant in the scheme of life. It didn’t rank up there with losing my mother-in-law to cancer almost two years ago.
Grief always made sense to me when associated with death, but I rarely thought about its significance in dealing with life.
I’m so hurried that I often don’t take time to rest or even breathe some days, let alone grieve my losses.
But endings are meant to be grieved. And I’m finding the more I grieve losses the better I feel and the easier it is to let go.
Hurts and disappointments are not things I pursue. They aren’t usually part of my plan. But if I don’t take time to understand their impact, if I don’t allow myself to be sad over them, then they will likely stay an unhealed wound, festering under the surface until another betrayal or unmet expectation reopens the gash.
Letting go is hard, but it’s the path to trusting and leaning on God.
Too often I’d rather busy myself than sit in the quiet and ponder what I’ve lost, or pretend like everything is okay instead of shedding tears and feeling the pain of an ending.
I cannot express what a gift my friend’s words were to me that day. It felt cathartic to allow myself to be sad over the end of something I had enjoyed being part of and had hoped could continue.
Maybe you lost your job or a close friend moved far away. Maybe your daughter is rebelling or your son told you he doesn’t love Jesus anymore. Maybe your marriage is hard or being a mom isn’t what you thought it was going to be. Or you struggle with depression. Or a loved one was just diagnosed with cancer.
Whatever it is, today is the day.
Go ahead and grieve it, sweet friend. Go ahead and grieve it.
Leave a Comment
Thank you for this on point post
Thank you, Jas! I’m glad it resonated with you.
Christy
So enlightening and at the same time validating to know that losses are part of life and more importantly all in His plan for us. Losses, like people come in all different shapes and sizes.
Yes, Michele, “losses, like people, come in all different shapes and sizes.” I love that! We need to grieve the losses that mean something to us or they will hold us back!
Christy
This makes so much sense! And you’re right, if you don’t go through the necessary steps to grieve something– and it doesn’t matter how small– you can’t truly heal from it and move on. Thanks for the reminder today! Own your emotions before your emotions own you!!! Have a blessed day girl!
Thanks, Heather! You got it! “Own your emotions before your emotions own you!” I’m going to write that one down!
Christy
Yes, it seems strange to grieve things other than the big things like death and divorce. I am trying to allow myself time to grieve. I homeschooled for 19 years and this year my 5 remaining at home will be in school. I don’t know what to do with myself. It feels like I have lost my job.
Lisa, I think we feel like we have to “be strong” but change is hard, even good changes. The transition you will be facing is big for you and your family. Grieving the loss of what was will make room for all the beautiful new that’s to come!
Christy
I’ve got a friend who needs to hear these words. Thank you for sharing. I’ll be passing them on.
Thank you, Marty, for sharing this with your friend! I pray that it will encourage her!
Christy
Thank you so much for writing this. I experienced a loss 33 years ago and as many people do, I scooped up the pieces of my broken heart and buried them deep because there was no other option than go with “plan B” after that. But now God is taking me back to the wound and having me process it and I know He wants to heal the wound. I have felt permission to grieve the loss. That it’s okay to do so. And your post is a comforting confirmation of that. Thanks for this.
Thank you for sharing that, Holly! God speaks to us through many venues. I’m thankful this post encourages you to continue the healing work of grieving. In the past I tried to talk myself out of grief, saying things like, “you shouldn’t be upset about that.” But the wise words of that friend reminded me that my emotions matter, big or small. Taking time to process losses helps to heals the wound.
Christy
Loved the article Christy!
Thank you, Teri! I’m glad it resonated with you today!
Christy
Such a great reminder, Christy. Even us women try to hold back our emotions out of fear or guilt. I absolutely love your post today!
Thanks, Sarah! Fear and guilt are terrible liars — convincing us we should be “over things” that really have effected us. Glad you were encouraged today!
Christy
Thank you for this enlightening, encouraging post, Christy. I, too, am a newbie in “I matter.” What a blessing to have a friend like that to tell you to go ahead and grieve. I think a big drawback for me is I don’t allow myself to grieve. Instead I beat up myself – “What do I have to complain about? Others have it so much worse.” Thanks for reminding me it’s ok to grieve. The truth is we matter to God, therefore we DO matter. ❤️
I hear what you’re saying, Trudy! I have said those same statements to myself. But I have learned through wise counsel that if something is bothering me, I need to acknowledge it. Take a moment or a couple of days to grieve and process it. Then it’s so much easier to let it go. Your feelings do matter, Trudy! Thanks for sharing!
Christy
Oh Christy, The Lord knew I needed to hear those words. I have denied the need to grieve several things for many years, my most recent loss was my MIL too 1 1/2 yrs ago to breast cancer. Loved your inspiration today!
Kim, thanks for your comment! God’s timing is just right. Grief looks different for everyone. I know with a big loss, like my MIL, I found myself looking around and wondering, “is this what grief is supposed to look like?” I think the important thing is to not ignore the loss, but acknowledge them and let yourself feel the emotion. Grief is not in a hurry, even though we may not enjoy wading through it. There is healing in it!
Christy
So good, Christy! I haven’t really allowed myself to grieve over 2 friendships that ended last year. This is what I needed: “But endings are meant to be grieved.” Maybe I can move past it if I’ll allow the grieving process to work. Thanks so much for this!
Oh, Chandra…endings are so hard, especially friendships. Whether they ended for good or bad reasons, the loss of what was is always worth grieving. Praying the process is cathartic and healing for you as you grieve these relationships.
Christy
Thank you, Christy. For most of my life, I’ve been instructed to suck it up and slap on a smile …thank you.
Peg, you have permission to grieve it, whatever it is. God knows how the losses and endings in your life have hurt your heart. “Sucking it up” will keep you stuck. I hope you will allow yourself the freedom to grieve.
Christy
((((Sob))))) sitting as I type this in a Dr’s office waiting to be seen for depression. In Sept I will have been married 20 years. This time last year I was SO looking forward to celebrating that. Now I wonder if we will make it due to a devastating emotional affair. I want to die most days. I miss my husband who loved God but now wants nothing to do with him. I’ve given a year to this to praying and fighting only to find another text to another woman about meeting up for coffee….
I’ve been so angry with myself for falling apart and beating myself up for not being stronger. I’m not falling apart….. I’m grieving. Grieving for myself and grieving for what this will do to my boys. Strong people grieve. Please pray for a miracle in my marriage if you read this. As of now, I’m done unless God changes things. Thank you for writing this.
Renee: Thank you for your honest comment. I am sad to hear about the struggles you are facing. You are absolutely right, you have a right to grieve the loss of what was, the loss of the future you imagined, the loss of relationship. Betrayal is an awful thing to live through, but you will overcome it, with or without him.
Dear Father, please be with Renee as she has been devastated by her husband’s betrayal. Only You know the outcome. Please lead and guide her through this difficult time and give her wisdom as she makes hard decisions. I pray, Lord, that you will protect her heart and give her comfort. Please do a work in her husband’s heart, that he will change his ways and cherish the wife you’ve blessed him with. More than anything, Lord, help Renee know she is not alone and remind her of how loved and valuable she is in Your eyes. Surround her with love and support as she walks through this valley. Amen.
Thank you for this post. Really needed this today as my husband and I are dealing with a lot of changes and heartbreaking moments (a miscarriage, and then a couple months later, changes in custody and visitation regarding my three step kids and us now not being able to see them as much). It does feel selfish on some level to grieve changes in life, but it is true that you can’t heal from things that you don’t acknowledge have had an impact on you. I have grieved changes even in the midst of wonderful events (moving from California and leaving friends and family to move to Alabama because I married an amazing man). Thank you for this post. My husband and I needed it very much. Blessings
Jennifer, I’m so sorry to hear of your difficult losses and changes. I do believe there is power in acknowledging each one by grieving them. Even, as you said, when they are worthwhile endings. Thanks for sharing!
Christy
I just quit a project. It was a translation project I was doing with a respected colleague and lifetime friend. I not only quit a project, I lost a friend. Our frienship will not be the same again. I though I would work with the ideal person and it was the ideal project. But it was anything but ideal. I feel disappointed, sad and somehow rejected by this person I appreciate so much. Yes, I need to face the loss and grieve. The Lord cares about what I’m going through. Thanks for sharing this post.
Liliana, sounds like you set some difficult boundaries and that takes a lot of courage! Sometimes the consequence of setting an appropriate boundary is a loss. And that can be so hard! Feeling sad and disappointed when something doesn’t meet our expectations is normal and healthy. I pray that you will be able to grieve this loss and find that something better is awaiting you!
Christy
Christy, thank you for your insightful words and open heart. This connects with me, I will quietly chide myself for feeling a certain way, good or bad, if I doubt the validity. This tells those doubting thoughts to hush and embrace the moment. You write beautifully, Im sure God has another task in mind for you. Keep writing :).
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, Kate! I know that chiding voice all too well. Acknowledging your real feelings is a healing gift. We can hush that doubting voice together!
Christy
Beautiful words and such an important reminder that it’s okay to grieve losses in our lives.
Thank you, Amy! I’m glad you came by.
Christy
I lost my mom 3 weeks ago due to cardiac arrest. The grieving process is very difficult for me, but there’s no other place to go to aside from the Secret Place with God. Thanks for this blog. It tells me that it is okay to grieve. IT REALLY IS.
Jelin, I am so very sorry about your recent loss. It’s not only okay to grieve, it’s necessary. Grief is so complex. It looks different for everyone. And it’s sometimes a long process, especially when you’re grieving a death.
Lord, please be with Jelin as she grieves the loss of her mother. Give her peace and comfort in this time of sorrow. Be with her as she contemplates this great loss and works to figure out life without her mom. Amen.
Thank you so much for writing this! Almost 5 years on from having a hysterectomy (due to disease)and the loss is still enormous. I didn’t lose a living child, I didn’t miscarry, my problem wasn’t terminal, I was never actually pregnant. But the loss is real and strong and seems eternal. I’m sure this is Gods will, but it still hurts. Its Gods way, not mine. I came to know Christ through this grief. I wasn’t a Christian before. I’ve known some very dark times, but it was during these times that I felt closest to Christ. So, yes, go ahead and grieve. Thank you, a million times.
Natalie, thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I’m so sorry for what you have lost. And I praise God for what has been gained — finding Him. Our losses, however big or small they seem, are real and strong and worth grieving. It will not change what’s happened, but will salve the wound and help it to heal.
Christy
Thank you so much for your reply. And thank you for saying “sorry for what you’ve lost”. It’s hard for friends and family to know what to say to me. To the outside world I haven’t actually LOST anything. But the loss of potential motherhood and ALL it entails is a heavy burden. It’s actually far too heavy for this broken vessel, so I gratefully lay it at the cross…again and again I lay it down.
Thank you, it’s so kind of you to reach out to a stranger.
Oh, Natalie — you have experienced a great loss! Something that will take time to work through and process with God. I’m thankful you have found comfort in Jesus. We all have those painful losses in our lives that we have to lay at His feet over and over again. Blessings on your healing journey!
Christy
It is hard to grieve when those around you insist you “be the strong one” or figure you you should be over it (or a combination of the two). You become hardened emotionally when with those could walk beside you.
Pam, I understand about “being the strong one.” For many years I hid the pain of abuse convincing myself I was fine. The problem is no matter how much we try to cover it up or be strong or “get over it” we cannot let go of something we don’t first acknowledge and deal with. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter what other people think or say. You don’t have to be the strong one. And you most certainly don’t need to get over something just because someone says it. Grieving is a personal process. You are the only one who can grasp how something has impacted you. Your thoughts and feelings matter. We love ourselves when we take time to grieve losses.
Christy
I agree that we often need permission to do things like this that we need to do for ourselves. I am very, very bad at grieving anything, and end up stuck in the process of grief instead of being able to move on. Unfortunately too I guess I’ve really had a tremendous amount of junk happen to me during my life, and it has kinda felt like I’m always trying to dodge bullets. Maybe my inability to let things go properly has helped me expect the bullet instead of grace. I really needed to read this, I’m really glad I saw it on facebook and was able to read it. Thanks!
Angela, I am sorry you have experienced trials. If we were never taught how to grieve we may not even know that we’re supposed to do it. I’m not an expert on grief, but there are 5 stages of grief (you can google them). I wonder if understanding the stages could help you when you’re feeling stuck in the grieving process? I think grief and forgiveness are connected, too, because they are both about learning to let go. I’m glad you came by today! I pray God will help you move through the grieving process.
Christy
Sweet post, Christy. Thank you.
Thanks for being here, Shelli!
Go ahead and grieve it should be something we all learn to listen to. I know this week I have been. Just sitting in it, really. And I think learning we matter enough to God to actually feel all the feelings and be ok with that? That’s a sweet spot. Lovely write, Christy! So good.
You know I love you, Alia! Your writing inspires me. Thanks for your encouragement! You are so right, acknowledging our feelings happens when we know they matter, that we matter!
Christy
Now MY flood gates are opened. Literally sitting and crying. I’ve been lost for months. New city and state, no nearby friends, no church…I’ve experienced a loss, and like you,I usually equate grief with death, so I didn’t realize that I need to grieve! I was just trying to move on and everything was just an empty attempt and empty result.
My friends keep giving me pep talks, but, ugh, nothing! Not until now! Thanks for sharing! I hearby give myself permission to grieve!
Oh, Jenn! All that you described, yes, yes, yes, grieve it. Those are huge changes. See them as losses, of relationships, of comfort, of that sense of belonging. You will find it again! Love you!
Christy
Thank you. Thank you for telling me that it is ok to grieve my son beginning his senior year in high school. Everyone keeps telling me how proud I should be, that I should be happy. And I am very proud. But my baby is almost grown and I can’t help but feel this is the beginning of an end in our lives. I know that God will provide us with new paths and new ways of interacting, but our lives will change dramatically and I am just sad. As I type, I am bawling. I sure hope letting myself do so helps.
Lori, grieve it. Absolutely! I know I will feel the same way when my kids are at that stage (mine are in 4th & 7th grade). I have found allowing the grief right away helps me to move forward faster. Pushing it down or pretending it’s not there only prolongs it. I’m passing you a virtual tissue and a hug! Thanks for being here!
Christy
What beautiful and authentic words you wrote here. So often people feel the pressure to “keep it together,” but that can be so unhealthy and emotionally devastating. I remember when I first got married I felt this pull of emotions that I didn’t know what to do with- I desperately missed my single days and late nights with my girlfriends. Shouldn’t I love being married? Through much processing, I realized that it doesn’t have to be either/or- just because I missed my girls didn’t mean I didn’t love my husband. It can be both. I had to sit and process and grieve the end of a significant season in order to fully be in my new one.
Exactly, Sarah! Grieving losses doesn’t necessarily indicate something is wrong. Being sad for an ending doesn’t mean you aren’t happy about a new beginning. I’m glad you were able to process the losses. I’m sure it helped as you adjusted to life as a married woman. Great point!
Christy
I cannot thank you enough for this. When you said you think” grief and forgiveness are connected bc they are both learning how to let go” it was a eureka moment for me. I am praying that God forgives me for the sin of not forgiving and allows me to truly grieve so I can move forward.
Praying with you, friend! Forgiveness, although necessary, can be a process of its own, especially if the hurt is deep. Thankful for your “lightbulb” moment. I know God has already forgiven you and I believe you are on the right path to forgive, grieve, and heal.
Christy
Thank you. My son left for college on Friday and my heart is breaking. I’ve been trying to keep busy to cope with it mostly. S friend said something similar to me recently that helped me see that what I’m feeling is grief at the loss of our intact family togetherness and the everyday relationship with my son. I do need to take the time and allow the Lord to balm my heart and catch my tears. He sees each one and knows my heart since He fashioned it. Therefore, He knows exactly what it needs to heal, even if I don’t.
Oh, Marnie, saying “goodbye for now” to your son must have been difficult! It is a big change! Glad you are taking time to grieve these new changes. Thank you for sharing here!
Christy
I absolutely love this Christy!! I think so often this is where we get stuck…if we don’t grieve our losses and let them go we live with them forever even when we try to mask the pain or stuff it. Thank you for your beautiful words 🙂
You are so right, Lanette! Grief is a step in the process of letting go. We can’t let go if we haven’t grieved the losses. Thanks for your comment!
Christy
Thank you Christy, that is just what I needed to read today!
So glad to hear that, Kathleen! Thanks for reading!
Christy
Thank you so much for this post – it really hit the spot! Last week my son phoned (they live 500 miles away). He never uses the phone to communicate so I knew it was important. In two or three sentences he told me he and his wife and my two precious wee grand daughters ages 7 and 4, are moving shortly to the States. I managed to keep the wobble out of my void, but since then I have not been sleeping, have felt so depressed and flat. Now I realise I am grieving and I have permission to grieve. Oh the Lord bless you for sharing!
Just to clarify: I live in Scotland!!
Wow, Anne, that is a big change for your family! It’s powerful when we recognize the reason we are feeling down. There are many things to grieve about your son’s move and it’s okay to let yourself feel the intensity of that. I’m thankful you found encouragement here!
Christy
Renee – THANKYOU for your response
– it lets me know I am not alone & I want to asure you neither are you – as I am going thru something very similar – can’t say too much right now but know I will be thinking of you as you journey through this valley
Know that we have God & that is enough – more than enough – you can survive – I BELIEVE IN YOU – HUGS DEAR SISTER
Christy,
I just love the thought of “Go ahead and grieve it”. Losses of all kinds should be grieved and emotions should be spent. Feel kindred to Heather M;s thoughts
Own your emotions before your emotions own you!!!” I have just come to realize that I let my emotions own me to much and don’t truly sit and grieve what was and move on. I need to turn stuff over to God and grieve them then turn
them loose!
Blessings 🙂
Your message is inspiring me to write to you. My husband had a stroke a few years ago and suffered severe memory loss. I finally decided he will be better cared for by those trained in a nursing home. However, I feel deeply saddened to have to be the one to make that decision and feel such loss without him. It’s hard for me to get on with my needs in life. How do I grieve and let go?
What a difficult position you are in. I am so sorry about your husband’s health condition and how it has impacted your marriage. I pray that you will have peace about the decision you made and that God will meet you in the space of your loss. How do you grieve? It certainly looks different for everyone, but acknowledging all that you and your husband have lost is a good start. It’s grieving what you cannot change so you can accept and move forward with what lies ahead. Praying for you, Sharon! Thank you for sharing here!
Christy
This couldn’t have come at a better time. I am facing a temporary (a year or so) disruption in my salary at the church where I’ve been on staff for over 10 years. I am already in the grieving process, although it hasn’t happened yet. I need to trust that God knows and will care for my family and allow me to find temporary work.
Barbie: Praying you have found peace with your job changes and that through the process of grieving what was you have been able to see how God provides. Thankful for your comment!
Christy
Christy,
Just seeing this post today via your 31 day series. Such a great post, my friend! I think sometimes we try so hard to be strong, that we forget to be weak so that Christ’s strength may reign in us!
Love to you,
Becky
Ah, friend! You are so right! It’s in our weakness that God works best in us, I think. Thank you for being here!
Christy