A thousand days passed between the news of a brain tumor at age seventeen and the joy of true healing.
Just one year after being emotionally broken by community, I received the news that I was physically broken as well.
When you’re seventeen and a wise doctor looks you in the eyes and says you’ll need brain surgery as soon as possible, everyone else looks at your life and expects you to fall apart.
They hope you won’t, of course. But there’s an unspoken, “If ever there were a time to need help or break down, this is your moment.”
I missed my moment.
I didn’t need it.
Instead of tears falling down cheeks or knees falling to the floor, these words fell into the lap of Jesus.
It makes sense now. God, it makes sense. I have a brain tumor. Jesus, I don’t even feel scared. I trust you completely – whatever happens, whether I live or die. I trust you. I love you. Thank you for your Peace.
There’s nothing wrong with a good cry or raising your hands to the heavens and asking Him to be near. I look back on that teenage girl and shake my head in wonder that my first response would be to pray.
But when you’ve lost all community and spent a year trying to figure out what life alone would be like, you can run from God or run to Him.
I didn’t need a moment to break down because over the course of a year I had learned what it meant to be broken before Him.
When community runs out, Jesus runs in. When you see yourself as damaged He declares you lovely.
When you look around and only see ruins, the Holy One bends to carry your holey heart, promising that joy will come in the morning.
Joy always comes.
Six days after receiving the news that would rewrite my story, I checked in for brain surgery. I decided to share my story before there was a bow to tie everything up and package it beautifully. The journey was difficult but the choice was easy – if God could receive the glory, then I wanted to tell the story.
The golf ball sized tumor was removed and life began fresh and new, but the holes in my heart remained.
From the outside looking in, the worst had passed and God had healed me completely. The truth was, I still didn’t believe love existed, I didn’t trust a soul, and community was dead to me.
My mind was healed but my heart was still broken. Over time, God’s relentless love pursued me, wooed me, and led me back into community. My heart had been broken by community but God began to break my heart for community.
He authored the story and as the words began to spread, I realized that God turns tests into testimonies and messes into messages.
Too often we believe that only the “big stories” will reach far and wide.
The only viral that is vital is the message of Christ. That is the only “big story.”
Our own words, whether one or one hundred read them, will never amount to a single blot of ink in the greatest Story ever told.
But if I write and say what He calls me to share? If I preach His story instead of my own? He will flip everything I know upside down, starting with an ordinary day we call Tuesday.
Tuesday. May 26, 2009: Community breaks and I begin to build walls.
Tuesday. June 29, 2010: I have my first MRI.
Tuesday. July 6, 2010: I under-go brain surgery.
Tuesday. July 23, 2013: A love for story becomes the theme of (in)RL.
Tuesday. October 8, 2013: God gives me a miracle. The community that broke? It came back.
Tuesday. June 20, 2014: An MRI shows a heart in my brain.
I didn’t need a moment to break down over the news of a tumor, but I do need a moment to thank him for Tuesdays and the crazy love of One who would replace a brain tumor with a heart.
I want my history to be His legacy. I want every ordinary Tuesday to count.
You can look back over all of my days and in my history you’ll find His story – the only Story I ever want to go viral.
Does your story include a broken season – emotionally, physically, or otherwise? Do you have a story of a not-so-ordinary Tuesday? What do you want your story to say?
Leave a Comment
Kate Carman says
Wow! Wow! Wow! Kaitlyn, clearly God is using you in a powerful way to share his powerful message. I love that you shared how everyone expected a colossal meltdown, and you didnt, sounds like you had the peace that transcends all understanding! This so meaty and good, i think i need to read a few times to as soak it all in. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Kate, I have truly never felt peace so overwhelming but calming at the same time. It was as if there was nothing to worry about. Amazing and such a gift from Him!
Kimmygirl says
Wow! “The only viral that is vital is the message of Christ.” Amazing! Thank you for this post- one that I think I’ll be pondering all day…..
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Thank you for your kind words! That particular line has been rolling around in my head all day.
Monica says
Kaitlyn,
You are such a living testimony of how Our Lord will take our brokenness and use it for His glory. Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, only a God that loves YOU would replace your brain tumor with a heart. Be blessed Kaitlyn!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Pretty amazing, huh? Only God. He’s the ultimate Healer.
Mel says
What a beautiful testimony of His perfect plan…I have to admit I’m in a raw place of not understanding His plan or believing that’s it’s right. Three Tuesdays ago, we lost our sweet baby. And now I’m just begging Him to show me some light, some Hope…and choosing to believe that someday, we’ll see. So grateful for your words today, friend…and the reminder that maybe He has a Tuesday miracle for us, too. xo
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
My sweet friend, I have missed you in this space but know that you are in the thoughts of so many. There are so many things about His ways that we can’t even begin to make sense of or believe are “right.” I’m praying for you this week, Mel. That He would give you a pinprick of light, enough to hold onto, and that when the ocean is deep you’ll find like Peter that you aren’t walking alone and He isn’t far away – but it standing right there to pick you up. Praying also for your miracle, that even if it takes five years you won’t lose Hope.
Kathy @ In Quiet Places says
I am reading your story while cooling down from a long walk on a hot August morning in Texas, and I am so touched by the beautiful way you share and declare all the great things God has done and I know your words and their message will encourage so many others. God’s ways are so much higher than our ways and He shows us that every day.
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Well timing is funny because I was reading your words earlier this morning! Thanks for your encouragement, Kathy!
Patty Farmer says
AMAZING! Thank you so much for sharing. Such wonderful faith you have. We serve a Loving God!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Thank you for visiting today and taking the time to read!
Lisa says
Oh, Mel, praying for you! The miracle is that even in the midst of the worst sufferings and the bitter questions and the broken hearts, God understands and will never leave us. Give yourself the time you need to grieve, and allow yourself to grieve in the way that you need to. There is an end to the dark valley you are in, but the way through is a tough one. Hang in there. You are not alone.
Marty says
This: “God turns tests into testimonies and messes into messages.”
And this: “The only viral that is vital is the message of Christ. ”
TRUTH, girl. Thank you for sharing this today.
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
It’s the only story that matters at the end of the day – and the only one we really want to be known for sharing!
Kim says
I love your story! God can use anything for His glory – our brokenness included. Thank you for being brave enough to share. You are so wise to be so young! <3
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Beauty in the brokenness and a message from a mess, right? Love connecting with you over here, Kim.
Marina says
Love this!! Yes! Yes! Yes! So glad His heart is IN you, FOR you!! Love how He rushes in!! Amen!!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Marina you always have the sweetest things to say! I just love that idea – His heart in me, for me. Thanks!
Linda Sherrill says
Wow…I’m speechless. Saving this post for inspiration to others. Thank you…
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Oh I really appreciate that! I hope it is an encouragement to them.
Karen Thompson says
My story is a long one, to long to write here, but I want my story to say
GOD DID IT, HE RESCUED ME, HE WALKED MY JOURNEY WITH ME AND HE GETS THE GLORY.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED BEYOND MY IMAGINING AND ALTHOUGH IN SOME WAYS I AM STILL THE SAME, IN OTHERS I WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT FROM THE PERSON I WAS IN THE PAST.
This is my story, as I went through it, but it is his story as well, because he was there with me.
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Isn’t that the coolest part – that our history is His Story? The way you’ve told it just in this comment box is beautiful. We may not be who we want to be, but thank God that we are not who we used to be, by His grace.
Meri says
Thank you for reminding me that in Christ ordinary days are filled with the hope, possibility, and promise of the extraordinary! And that the only viral that is vital is the message of Christ! He is the BIG story!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Yes, yes. Him – the only story worth telling!
Shelly Hendricks (@Renewed_Daily) says
Kaitlyn, this is just so beautiful. I don’t have words, truly. I have a broken brain, and it changed my life and built walls and lost community about 6 years ago. What God has redeemed since then blows. my. mind.
Heart Hugs from a Kindred Spirit, Shelly <3
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Although brokenness is painful and leaves many wounds, I will say that the beauty that comes from it is something only He can sign His name to. Sounds like that’s been your story, too. 🙂
Renee Robinson says
Oh, this is so beautiful. My favorite part…. “I decided to share my story before there was a bow to tie everything up and package it beautifully.” What a testimony of faith to the One who brought you peace. Thank you for sharing this story!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Your turn soon, right? 😉 Thanks for visiting here and leaving your encouraging words, Renee.
Sarah Donegan says
What an amazing story! God has done great things through you and your willingness. I can’t wait to hear what all He does in your future!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
It’s bound to be a bumpy but exciting ride, huh? 🙂 Thanks for stopping by over here, Sarah!
Kelley Light says
Thanks so much for sharing your story/heart…I desire to share my, no, God’s story that He began and continues to write! Thankful to see the means He’s using to steer me slowly in that direction…Time will tell if this truly is His will for me…I know it’s my heart’s desire and I trust Him to make that desire come to pass, if it be His will! 🙂 I love hearing/reading about how God has changed people’s lives, all for their good and His glory…To God be the glory, great things He has done and continues to do! He is good! 🙂
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Yes, He is good! I love how you began to write “my story” and changed it to “God’s story.” Somehow I think it’s both, both our history and His Story.
BraveGirl Stacey says
Brave Girl Kaitlyn, you are a heart sister and an inspiration. Thank you for your story, your passion and grace! Praying for you through your senior year! Can’t wait to see what is next! All for His glory!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Thanks for your encouragement. You know it – Only and all for His glory.
~Karrilee~ says
Oh my stars, girlie! He etched a heart in your brain!!! He etched HIS heart into every thought… my, how I love this! And you… and this crazy, amazing lovely story He is writing with you!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Karrilee isn’t it the *coolest*?!?! My goodness I’ve been about to spill since June 20th I could barely contain it. He is just absurdly personal and funny and always knows just how to show love.
tammy @ grace uncommon says
Beautiful in every single way. He is a God of miracles. xo
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Thank you Tammy, that’s so kind of you to say. I am thankful!
Lois Flowers says
I love the Tuesday pattern, Kaitlyn–that you’ve noticed it and what it means to your faith journey. Your story reminded me of a little calendar thing from my own life: My husband and I ended our efforts to conceive one September long ago, but two years later–also in September–we went to China to adopt our first child. God truly does turn our mourning into gladness. Thank you for sharing the beautiful story that He has given you.
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
I’m a big date person and it wasn’t until this summer that I realized so many big moments in my life have landed on Tuesday. Which is funny, because it feels the most ordinary of all the days to me. That is a beautiful story about adopting your first child and I totally agree, mourning to morning.
FRANCES BOUCHILLON says
What a blessing on this Tuesday, August 12, 2014, to see my own GRANDdaughter’s name Kaitlyn Bouchillon on the (in)courage e-mail I receive every day It was a complete surprise. The strong faith in God you have shared with such amazing courage at your age is very rare. You being proud and unashamed of it inspires young and old (that includes me) to “step up to the plate” and give God all the glory for the great things He has done! So proud to be your “Mama Boo and I love you dearly. Mama Boo
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Thank you Mama Boo! I’m very grateful to have been given the opportunity to share it here.
Jennifer Studio JRU says
you turn our minds beautifully to Him, my sweet friend. beautifully done. your story will open eyes. xo
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Thank you girl! This is so kind of you to say. Still thinking about those recent storms and hoping you’re beginning to see the beauty straight from the mess?
Becky Jones says
Thanks for sharing that God wanted to clean you up instead of being a Great Speaker. We serve an awsome God and He is by out sides every day.
Hugs,
Becky
Jennifer says
I so understand the broken community and broken physical body. I had a stroke at the age of 7 and have lived with a lifetime of complications from it. It has shaped me into who I am. Blessings to you on your journey!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Oh wow Jen – 7? That’s so young. I’m sorry to hear that but I’m thankful that you are open to sharing your story.
Beth says
What a wonderful message which points us all to Him. Beautiful! Blessings to you. xoxo
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Beth, I appreciate you clicking over here. Happy three word Wednesday 🙂
Marcy Hanson says
Girl, I say it again: you are so wise beyond your words. What a life of Tuesdays. And what healing happens between those weeks. I’m so thankful for you and for your courage to let his story go viral. Blessings on your head, sweet friend.
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
His is the only Story worth telling. And seriously, I sat back and looked at those days again and saw all the life in-between the dates.. the only thing that sums it up is that He is faithful. It isn’t always easy, but He still is.
Tuesday says
Kaitlyn, God is talking to me through your story. My name is Tuesday. My born given name. For the past few years the Lord has been working in my life in a way that I’ve been struggling with. He showed me my purpose in life a few years ago, to write books about Him, to tell how He’s worked in my life healing emotional wounds and how He’s been developing a real relationship with me.
Before this I had my own dream of writing fiction novels. Giving that up has been a struggle. I’ve had a hard time accepting His dream for me in place of my own and have felt like I’ve lost my identity. The changes He’s made in my life have made feel like He’s making me ordinary. Something I’ve strived not to be my whole life.
When you said, “Our own words, whether one or one hundred read them, will never amount to a single blot of ink in the greatest Story ever told.
But if I write and say what He calls me to share? If I preach His story instead of my own? He will flip everything I know upside down, starting with an ordinary day we call Tuesday…”, I understood that He is telling me to stop thinking of what is temporary and will fade away, and to think of what will be eternal and last. To stop thinking about myself and to think about Him.
I hear You, Lord. Please help me do it.
Thank you, Kaitlyn for being strong enough and brave enough to tell His story instead of your own.
Beth Williams says
Kaitlyn,
What a grand and glorious testimony! Such powerful words~.
I love the sentence: “There’s nothing wrong with a good cry or raising your hands to the heavens and asking Him to be near.” I usually, rather easily, tend to cry over things first then I turn to prayer!! So much “stuff” has happened this year. Through it all God was there making it alright! He turned what could have been disaster into a blessing and with it brought my hubby and me back to Him more fervently!!
I now have the same feeling as you did. What ever happens it will be ok because God is in the mix and I want Him to be glorified!!
Blessing my young sister in Christ! 🙂
Julie says
Thank you so much, Kaitlyn, your words came at just the perfect time in my own life to remind me of God’s grace and to hope even in broken places. So grateful for your words and to meet you here, via Emily’s place I learned about you! 🙂
Lisa-Jo says
Just no words. A heart? Just amazingness.