A year ago, I sat in a developmental pediatrician’s office and learned that my eldest son has High Functioning Autism. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like somehow all of the air had been sucked out of the room.
Six months later, in a different doctor’s office, I learned that my youngest son has significant learning disabilities and a processing disorder. Again, it felt difficult to take a full breath. It was almost like wearing a belt that was too tight, or Spanks that just don’t fit anymore.
Yesterday morning, when I was pretty sure the day should be just about over and the clock only said 10:47 AM, when my eldest son was severely melting down over sensory related issues and my youngest couldn’t read the word “the” flashcard . . . again, I felt the same, now familiar gasping for air.
You know what makes the difference, every single time? What acts as an immediate release and encourages me to take a big deep breath and keep going?
The crazy girls I call my friends.
(OK, disclaimer here — My husband has also been pretty incredible. There is no way I would be remotely functional or capable of caring for this family without him. It is different though. His support is like a rock. My friends? Their support is more like those old fashioned billows that they use in cartoons to fan fires. They just force air into my lungs.)
There have been too many circumstances lately that have brought me to my knees, doubled over, choking on my own tears. In every single one of them, God has shown me the depth and beauty of His love in the way He uses these ladies in my life.
Not one of them knows what it is like to live in these circumstances. Not one of them is sure how to help or what to say.
It doesn’t matter.
They love me the best way they know how. With food and strong coffee and offers to clean or babysit. They listen when I am ready to talk. They cry when I am ready to cry.
They gently, lovingly point me back to Jesus when I need Him most.
They make sure I know they never, ever doubt that God made me these boy’s momma for a reason and that I can do this.
They make me laugh when I am sure it is impossible. With silly internet videos and sarcasm and crazy text messages, they slowly walk with me as I grieve.
With pool days in the sun and mommy get-aways for the weekend, they help me heal.
I had a tough day yesterday.
As I said, the morning did not go well. In fact, I was in tears when my friend texted me and said a couple of them were getting together for some pool time with the kids and did I want to come?
Um, yes. I did.
Within 10 minutes of being in these ladies’ presence, I could breathe.
Within 20 minutes, I could laugh.
Within 30, they were doing awful synchronized swimming routines, and I could let go and have fun.
There are no words to describe how much this matters.
In their presence, as I am catching my breath, I feel stronger and more capable — like I might actually be able to pull this mothering thing off.
I feel like a human being again. A whole person. More than just a “special needs momma” — I am a daughter of the King.
As they love me and love my boys, I tangibly feel the Lord’s presence.
I want to deeply thank these women.
I try, but they shrug it off and then ask me if I want more coffee or some chocolate.
What gifts, every one.
Leave a Comment
Brittnie (A Joy Renewed) says
Love this and so true! I have a 2 yr old daughter with special needs and man. . . my girlfriends sure have a way to bring back some laughter into a day where I cannot seem to find any.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Right? It’s amazing to me how quickly they can take a feeling of completely overwhelmed and desperate and turn it into fun, laughter and love. I am so glad you have found good friends. I know you know how much of a gift that is!
Love,
Shawna
cindy says
I relate,been thru a painful divorce,and finding other women in the same situation,even a military chaplain,has been like the person who pulls me up out of the water when I couldn’t make it.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Oh Cindy, I love the example – it DOES feel like being pulled up out of the water when you are certain you will sink.
I am so glad you have found friends to love you through all of life’s messiness.
Love.
Shawna
Marty says
Love this post. The oldest of our four, our 28 year old son, was born with Down Syndrome. I have a great husband, but my girlfriends…have been a life-line for me. Right now, we are in what I call the “years of blessing.” We’ve had hard years of struggles and are now having fun and easier days. We are resting in these days because we know there are more hard ones ahead. My friends have been there at every stage. So thankful for God’s grace and provision.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Amen and amen!
I love the “years of blessing”.
Love,
Shawna
Hope says
Friends are medicine for the soul. I am glad you have some good ones. I am still praying for some since I’m in need. It takes a while to build friendships after having moved across the ocean, it takes time which hurts at times. Now I have just turned it into a prayer request 😉
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
I am praying for you right this minute!
Do not give up hope. We moved four years ago and for a while, having a friend that lived close by just wasn’t part of my life, and now I can write this post. 🙂
Love,
Shawna
Karen says
This is beautiful! Praising God for your friends!!!!
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Amen, Karen! Thank you.
Love,
Shawna
Liz Curtis Higgs says
The synchronized swimming picture? Made. My. Day. And your words, Shawna? So real, so true. Whatever our age or stage or circumstances, we need other women to keep us breathing. Thanks for the wonderful reminder.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Hi Liz! I am so glad you liked the picture – it is seriously one of my all time favorite! Every single time I look at it I giggle. 🙂
Thank you for your kind words.
Shawna
Lynn Richards says
Oh, my word. They synchronized swimming. That your friends were even IN the pool, shows that they are truest of trues.
I loved how you said, ” Not one of them knows what it is like to live in these circumstances. Not one of them is sure how to help or what to say.”
BUT IT DOESN”T MATTER.
You let them be the hands and feet of Christ to you. The feet that travel TO you, the hands that FEED you the chocolate. Your vulnerability to allow this is what brings grace.
I also have a daughter with Down Syndrome…she is 20 now and every day I’m still learning these lessons you have so beautifully written!
xoxo
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Believe me, they ARE those friends. It is just straight fun being with them!
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience. Praying for you and your daughter right this minute.
Love,
Shawna
Kim J says
Not one of them knows what it is like to live in these circumstances. Not one of them is sure how to help or what to say.
It doesn’t matter.
This is such a true statement!! What matters is that they continue to show up. I live with chronic illness which makes life difficult, but having friends who continue to reach out to me, let’s me know that I am not on this journey alone, and for that I am so grateful.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
You are so right – it’s the showing up that matters most!
Praying for you and your friends,
Shawna
Annetta says
Thank you for sharing your story. We have an almost identical one. As grandparents we hurt on two levels for our adult children and for our grandsons. Friends are vital for listening ears, hugs, for reminding us that God knows and cares.
Our daughter inlaw is planning a getaway with three other Moms of special needs children. Just the thought of flying without children (for one mom it has been seven years since she had done so) brings excitement. Thank you to all you friends who offer your hearts and caring to these Moms.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Oh, I am so excited for your daughter inlaw! How wonderful for her and the other mommas (and special kudos to you and your son for supporting her in getting away for a bit).
Thank you for your kind words.
Love,
Shawna
Robin Vasaturo says
I am now 51 years old and have a beautiful daughter who is 22. I remember sitting through a long exhausting day at the University of Michigan watching my daughter going through a grueling day of testing for Autism. My husband and I both felt that the news would not be what we wanted to hear. After 8 hours the team of doctors finally called us in to tell us that our daughter had Autism. I remember feeling angry, numb and then asking The Lord to heal my daughter in the car on the way home. I spent my days going through speech therapy, sensory integration and parent classes along with special vitamins to help her focus a bit more. I knew that God had spoken to me that our daughter would be healed by age 13. We believed God, did what He said and waited. Finally, after many years of tears, frustration and occasional doubt she was healed. God gave us the daily strength to cope with what he had given us. Our daughter is now out living on her own as a fully functioning adult.
I want to emphasize that while sometimes God heals instantaneously, this was a long process. Both my husband and I grew in The Lord and I wouldn’t trade any of it, the bible says His mercies are new every morning and that He will never leave us or forsake us. Both of these are promises. God gives us what we need every moment of every day and we become more intimate with Him the more we spend time with Him. For anyone out there who needs strength or who thinks they can’t make it, God is there for you right now. Just go to Him and begin talking to Him and ask. He is our strength and refuge in times of trouble.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story, Robin.
Amen.
Shawna
Jenn Klein says
Such a beautiful post. And such a testimony to your generous and gracious heart, how you reply to every comment. I don’t know you of course, but I suspect if we asked those friends of yours they’d say that you bless them too. Thank you for your vulnerability. And I am so glad for you, to have these friends in the midst of such grueling pain. I know that feeling, like life is a lead weight you don’t know how to carry anymore even though you want to. The desperation and helplessness. How do I help my child? How do I help myself? to be alone on it…I don’t know how anyone could. But praise Jesus He is here, and He has these wonderful hands and feet in our lives. Bless you Shawna! The best is yet to come…
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
You are so, so sweet, Jenn. Thank you so much. Your encouragement and grace-filled words are so much appreciated (and I LOVE being able to comment as much as possible…it is such an honor to even be in this position and able to communicate with other women about “real” things).
Love,
Shawna
Courtney says
This is a lovely, encouraging post. I only have one friend like this right now – but she is worth more than gold! I have a son with cerebral palsy and sensory issues, and I am currently dealing with a chronic health condition – so I know very well that feeling of almost drowning. I’m in a season where I don’t have lots of girlfriends, because I don’t have the ability to maintain a lot of friendships right now – but I do have one who is truly a kindred spirit. She is my heart sister and such a gift from God. Thanks for reminding me of one of the blessings in my life right now. 🙂
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
I am so grateful for that friend! Praying for you, your friend and for your son right this minute!
Love,
Shawna
Bev Brandon @ A String of Pearls says
You are just beautiful, sweet girl. You reach down deep and open up your very soul in the midst of rough patches, messy days. Psalm 50:2 I trembled sitting at Scottish Rite Hospital waiting for a grim diagnosis on one of my kids. But way more than all the medical reports is your beautiful calling—yes, called out of all the moms in the world. They are yours, alone. The only ones who can call you momma! And you’re doing it good as gold. Offering life! Because you are alive! And I Samuel 30:6 is your mantra, finding your Strength in God. And He is turning these dark moments into light opportunities—pun intended! 2 Samuel 22:29. Of all people, you hear “a sheer sound of silence” in your called days. I Kings 19:12. You are a grasped person!
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
“Way more beautiful than all the medical reports is your beautiful calling – yes, called out of all the moms in the world.” Oh, you made my day Bev. Thank you so much for the encouragement and the reminder that in it all, He has us.
Love,
Shawna
karyn says
It’s tough. Been through this when our grandsons we diagnosed as well but you know what. We serve a God who heals. In HIS time. In His ways and it took us all of our strength but we got through it and with all the reading and writing and focusing on Maths and taking him out and showing him things to know them …… he got through it. Still a bit slow but doing good. Think the Maths is finally coming along as well. It takes years of prayers together and teaching a child how to pray for himself. After all God hears all our prayers and answers them. It just takes pure work. Hard work.
🙁
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
It does take so much hard work, and I am finding that in the work, I learn so much about them and about myself. None of it goes to waste – God uses it all. The good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly – He uses it all to bless me and grow me and love me. I am sure you are finding the same as well.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Praying for you and your grandsons this morning.
Love,
Shawna
karyn says
Thanks so much.
🙂
Praying for you kids as well.
🙂
Susan Gruener says
What awesome friends! You are blessed! And you deserve every. single. one. 🙂
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Thank you so much, Susan! You are very, very kind. I am blessed by these amazing woman for sure.
Love,
Shawna
Joy says
I also am blessed to have similar lady friends, we call each other sisters, and they are a wonderful gift from God doing just what your friends do for you. I really proved this when I suddenly and tragically lost my first-born in an accident. I guess the song, ‘That’s what friends are for’ reiterates this. And your boys, they are a precious gift from God and He has a special plan for their lives. So trust Him and seek His guidance and help. All will work for your and their good. Romans 8:28.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Oh, Joy. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My momma’s heart aches for you. And, I am so relieved that you are so obviously in God’s care and in the care of loving friends. EXACTLY where we all need to be, no matter our circumstances.
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement I am deeply touched.
Love,
Shawna
Janet Olson says
My son was diagnosed with autism at age 2 1/2. When the hospital (we went twice a week for 6 wks) gave me the 16 pages of forms and history. etc. to complete at the beginning of the process, the last question was “What are you most afraid is your child’s problem?” some kind of autism. BAM
I learned the education tester thought him unable to learn. He’s now 29, has been bathed in prayer for years and he’s high functioning now. He had 37 voices in his head we learned when, at 14 he tried to hang himself from a curtain rod with a scarf. 37!!! Obviously he’d had them, increasing in number, until he couldn’t resist anymore. He fell in a heap on the floor, crying, “I’m sorry, Mommy, the voices made me do it.” Talk about a punch in the gut. He has schizoaffective disorder also now. He’s in a schizophrenia rehabilitation intensive outpatient program now. He’s also had visual hallucinations. I know that “air sucked out of the room” feeling well. You’ve got another friend. And you’ve got my email address 🙂
We didn’t learn our daughter had ADHD till 2nd grade. She started meds in 6th grade when she started middle school. changing classes. lockers. too much. It didn’t take long before she started having psychiatric symptoms, including cutting. She’s now 30. It turned out she had bipolar disorder. She was bullied horribly in school and we had our hands fuller. I’d tried to talk her into private Christian school for years and the end of 8th grade, she said if she went to public high school she’d be dead in a year; by her peers’ hands or her own. She went into a Christian school well beyond our means, but with His miracles we did it. She finished a pagan.
God has carried us through. and He’ll carry you too.
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Thank you so much for being honest and vulnerable about how much of this is out of our control. You are a wonderful example of letting God lead, in your life and in the lives of your children.
I really, really appreciate the encouragement and example.
Love,
Shawna
Valerie Hohenberger says
I believe that, next to Jesus, friends are the greatest gift from God!
Shawna@nottheformerthings.com says
Amen, Valerie!
Love,
Shawna
Beth Williams says
I am not a mother nor have I ever been, but I get your story. I have rough years and this one takes the cake. My aging dad moved into assisted living, then has been in hospital twice & done rehab. WHEW! It is so nice to pick up the phone and talk to someone who understands and is there for you.
Now she is going through a rough patch with her parents and we lament together! I wouldn’t trade our friendship for any thing!!
Blessings 🙂
Julie says
Beautifully put… Remember… We have been called into the kingdom for such a time as this one. You may have the hands (typing…lol), but we have the ears. If we do not work together, none of us succeed the way the kingdom needs us to. Jesus bless you and your family. I will be praying for your family earnestly!