I want to write.
I want to write what I’m learning about God. About the good things He is bringing us in and through and to. About how He is so faithful it makes my eyes well as I talk with Him in the car, in the shower, anytime it’s semi-quiet in my head. About how He’s refining me and I fight it, then collapse into Him as He covers me with His wing. About how I see Him at work in my kids and it’s the most beautiful goodness I’ve ever witnessed.
I want to write real. About the overflowing laundry and lists that don’t quit and keep me up at night. About the kids I can’t seem to keep up with, and the way my heart literally aches with love for them. About the guilt that comes with seeing the weight and work piled on my husbands shoulders. About how yesterday I put work and my phone aside, and played for hours with my kids, listened to old stories on older vinyl with them and made snacks and laughed deep from our bellies together, and how I want to make that choice more often because it was so good.
I want to write friendships. How I’ve grieved the loss of a friendship that fractured past repair. How my heart races and my people-pleasing does overtime because at times it seems like I can’t please any of the people. How it’s straight-up hard to make friends in your 30s, and it’s harder to keep them and cultivate real relationships and depth of conversation because there are kids everywhere and no one’s sleeping. How every time someone mentions a book club they’re in, my stomach clenches with jealousy. How grateful I am for the friends who live in my phone, and the ones I see only on occasion but who have my heart. How I’m so thankful it’s fall so we can start back up with our MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers) because those women are my people and I’d be sunk without them. How friendships in my 30s are difficult but they’re real, and that makes them so deeply good.
I want to write about the struggle to live in the between — between work, between personal, between all the things that get in the way of both. About how the selfishness that sometimes drives me and the shame that chases it. About how on the surface, it looks like no other mothers share this struggle. About the dreams I have that are painfully on hold because other things are bigger, and I’m finally old enough to make good decisions for myself about what comes first.
I want to write the hard. That I’m terrified to mother my girls because though I choose not to watch the news, the headlines find me and my own past haunts me and women are so often victims. That it’s time we (as a societal whole) had some hard conversations that lead to clean slates. That I question what I know of the church because of what I know of the goodness of God.
I want to write simple. What I’m into this month. My version of mom-fashion. Stories about my kids. Stories about being a work-at-home mom and sharing an office with my work-at-home husband. Stories about mothering, the latest tips and tricks and silly things that have worked for me. Recipes we’ve recently loved. Our favorite local ice cream shops and parks and recaps of good days.
I want to write all these things and more, and it’s the slew of words that renders me silent. It makes me feel unfocused, will never lead to a book contract or millions of page views, and it keeps me quiet. It’s reflective of the state of my heart: a little frazzled, a lot tired, filled with questions. Yet still, there is a peace that doesn’t make any sense. There is a joy that grounds me. There is a love that is all-encompassing and bigger than any rough parts. There is a calm that gently reminds me to breathe. There is so much good, in and through it all, and I just don’t have enough words for what it’s doing to my life, my heart, but the good? The good is what I want to write.
Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Anna,
I applaud you in your attempt to write the “real” and I believe writing the “real” is indeed “good” because it keeps pointing your life’s arrow toward God. When you write of struggles, you allow us to see how God is working through them for His glory. When you write of pain, we see that blessed are those who grieve for they will be comforted. When you write about loving your children so deeply, it reminds us of God’s great love for us even when we aren’t doing what we’re supposed to be doing…Daring to be real and vulnerable is hard, but it more adequately defines our relationship with our Heavenly Father than some white-washed version of pretend perfection. Write on girlfriend!!
Blessings,
Bev
Jo Kent says
In these endless days of chatter I find myself with a need to be very selective where I take time to park for a moment and enjoy the view. This morning as I was surfing through my inbox the Holy Spirit stopped me on your lovely post. I was blessed as I read the words that were clearly coming from deep within your heart. Raw, honest and beautiful. May God bless this journey called life that He has your feet upon. May you always feel His infinite presence surrounding you, comforting you and lifting you higher into Hi sweet presence. Thank you for this share.
Sweet Blessings,
Jo
Anna Rendell says
Jo, I’m so glad you clicked over. Thank you for your kind words and prayers today.
Anna Rendell says
Bev, you’re the best cheerleader I know. Thank you for your continued and consistent presence in this community! Not sure that you know how grateful we all are for YOU, sisterfriend. Thank you for the encouragement!
Jennifer Fowler says
Me too. 🙂
Anna Rendell says
Those two words could not be more meaningful, yeah? Thanks Jennifer.
Alleta says
Love this! Don’t stop writing
Anna Rendell says
Thank you for the encouragement, Alleta!
Emily says
Anna,
Oh how I hear you! I wish we lived closer so we could revel in the beautiful messiness that is life together. As a fellow mama, writer, and Jesus-lover, I can relate on so many levels. Isn’t it beautiful, that even though it is not what we think it will be at times, He uses it to make beauty, redemption, goodness, blessings? Wishing you grace, peace, and strength on your journey!
Anna Rendell says
Me TOO, Emily – that would be so great. Thank you for the well wishes and encouraging words!
toyin says
You are not alone @ ‘I want to write all these things and more, and it’s the slew of words that renders me silent’.
You are so so not alone and very brave @’About the dreams I have that are painfully on hold because other things are bigger’.
Well done!
Anna Rendell says
xoxo, Toyin. Thank you for confirming that we are in this together!
Jenny says
Anna…Always encouragingly and writing the real. I believe Jesus is using you, your heart for writing, passion for family, and lover of normal, to gather all the gals who feel that they are old enough to make good decisions about what’s important and somehow you make it okay to not have all the views, and “feeling big” sediments… and that my friend is better than GOOD because it is 100% REAL and balanced. Bless, Jenny
Anna Rendell says
Thankful for you, Jenny!!
Jamie says
Anna-wow! Thank you so much for writing the good and sharing it with us! Your post is very timely as this has been a rough week-full of weakness and challenges-yet the pull of the Heavenly Father has stayed strong and constant.
Thank you for your honesty and grace infused words.
Anna Rendell says
Jamie, I hope your week picks up. It’s been a rough over here too, and I’m so glad these words ministered to you in the midst.
Anna says
Anna. Yes. Me too!
Anna Rendell says
Such power in those two words! Thanks, Anna.
Mary McCarthy Handley says
I applaud you. Loving is what good from God I want to write about. I have had some stumbles along the way..The loss of my youngest child at age 20 to suicide. I prayed.over this son until.i felt my heart would bleed. My first words were upon hearing he was gone.were Oh God..please give me strength to tell the other kids and my grandchildren..oh God why? Oh God.give me the correct words. In Jesus Name Amen. I want to learn to write the truth..the love. I applaud you..i.admire you. I hope you will publish so.i may read your truth..Thank you..Mary
Anna Rendell says
Oh sweet Mary… mercy. Thank you for your kind comment here, and thank you for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your son. Praying His strength infuses your heart today and everyday.
Lisa Tindal says
What truth and beauty in word.
Anna Rendell says
Thank you Lisa <3
Kel Rohlf says
Just the words I needed today. Thanks for writing through the them and sending them out as seeds of real and honest and good.
Anne says
And you do! Blessings all over you sweet girl, mama ,wife, author!
Tired but greatful Mommy of 7. says
Can I just say, WOW and THANK YOU! You have perfectly captured my desires, as I read what you’ve written, it took my breath away because you have managed to write the many thoughts that swirl in my mind most days and nights. The thoughts and feelings that I long to write but struggle to list even in a journal entry because of the swirling “slew of words that renders me” frozen, pen in hand and blank page in front of me as I stare straight ahead and long for the place to start.
Thank you for capturing so that is in me and so eloquently getting it right and written down, so that maybe I can now have a place to start! I too want to write even if only for me to read at a later date when i need a reminder of “the real” that is my life today.
Anna Rendell says
I love love love hearing other women say ‘me too’. Thank you so much for making me feel not alone, but in very good company! I appreciate your comment here so much.
Crystal says
Anna, this brings a smile to my face 🙂 Love how you just pour out your heart on the good and bad of life and the God who covers all of it. He is so good, so loving, so worthy to be written about. Keep writing!
Anna Rendell says
Thank you SO much for the encouragement, Crystal!
Cheryl says
Lovely and thank you for this. It is very difficult trying to be all things to all people.
Beth says
Yes, yes, and YES! A lovely reflection of “mom-life” , honest and true. My feelings, exactly in an earlier phase of life. My encouragement to you is to enjoy your “mom-life” to the fullest. There are more beautiful things to come, including lots of time for reflection, friendship, a clean and quiet home, and exploring new and interesting parts of yourself! God is good in every phase of life!
Anna Rendell says
That is just what I’m striving to do, Beth! Thank you for the encouragement to keep at it!
Kathryn says
I am double your 30 yrs. I lost my dearest friend. Her addiction to prescription drugs unraveled.
Talk about real. Talk about broken.
I miss her. I pray for her. Such grrat loss, for both of us.
Shattering real hurts.
That said, I prefer real. God. Friends or lack thereof. The Lord steps in. In the silence and void. He heals us, from the inside out. Some wounds can only heal if they remain open. Tenderly washed and tended to each day. Slowly, that wound closes. The scar does not hurt, yet it looks different. There was a battle. There is change.
Keep writing about your real. God does go before each one of us. Real. Able to do more than we ask or imagine, for His purpose.
Anna Rendell says
Kathryn, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Nothing makes that kind of pain disappear. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart here with us – we will hold you in prayer, and are so thankful to have you in this community.
Tara says
So good!
Martha L. says
Thank you for your article. The opening paragraph grabbed me and so beautifully put into words the feelings that I share with you about the goodness of God. It is a powerful gift to be able to write with simplicity the things that are so extraordinary, like the comfort of God’s goodness and knowing Him. Thank you.
Corena Hall says
Anna
I am the girl who is called to make peace and called to intercede, called to serve “without a blog!” I am inspired and I see the real in your piece above. It’s part of many of us. I write when God asks me to, His way, His will, His time. Because at the end of it is often solace to my group of besties who some 30 years later spread out over the globe, snd may never see each other again, but still remember the little young girls we were. I write to pray aloud because my heart is shattered by the hurt another is experiencing, I write to encourage you to keep on keeping on. You will write a book one day and it will be gentle to souls. For now you write for those of us who are privileged to have found you. Thank you
Anna Rendell says
Your kind words moved me to tears. Thank you for taking the time to encourage, Corena!
Trish says
You’ve communicated what I wanted to…thank you for giving life to thoughts – truth to life.
Praise & Blessings…for all you do today.
Jeralyn Egger says
I so loved this! I am almost 60 years old and feeling all the same emotions. Our struggles as women are universal and not confined to age or demographics. Keep singing your song and writing your words!
Sarah Paz says
Thank you Anna! I join with those whose eyes welled up while reading your post, and whose hearts whispered “me too.”
Dale says
I am really enjoying this, keep up the good work Anna.
Yvonne says
…and you have, Anna! And you will! – keep writing the good. You will continue to pour out what has to be said and read in the written. What is true in the written is always good when it points the way to our Lord and Saviour – Jesus Christ. The only one who can turn our rotten to good. He is the Peace that doesn’t make any sense. But it is because of him that we can have a ‘sense’ of that peace in the here and now. Praise and worship cannot help but pour out from hearts who love him.
Praise and worship pours out from your written good, Anna. Your first paragraph made me think of the Psalmist, David who poured it out continually.
“My heart is welling forth with a good matter;
I say what I have composed touching the King.
My tongue is the pen of a ready writer” Psalm 45
Keep using the pen of a ready writer, Anna.
Much love coming your way this day❤️
Yvonne
Anna Rendell says
Yes, yes, yes. Beautiful scripture choice – thank you so much for sharing!
Jenny says
I feel like this speaks my heart. Thank you for putting these words into the universe.
Mary Hood says
Yes, I ditto this. The good encompasses all of this…the real, the hard, the simple, the struggle, the questions, the love…God is in the midst of it all and He is good!
Great post!
Janene Frank says
So glad I read this. Many days I just delete since my inbox feels too much…but this? I felt like I wrote it, except I’m entering my 40’s. So much good here.
Rachel Lamfers says
I feel you just wrote out what the words that go through my heart and mind so often. Your last paragraph is where I find myself the most lately and I need to move out of the “unfocused” and just write. Thank you for this. It was beautiful and it may be just what I needed to read today to pick up in my writing where I left off several months ago. 🙂
Anna Rendell says
I hope you do, Rachel!
Lillian says
Anna,
I applaud you for the honesty. My simple response is this: me too.
Be eternally blessed.
Lora Leftwich says
Anna! This was beautiful. Forgive me for the comparison, (you are certainly your own kind of special and talented) but I had to go back to the top to see who had authored this post. For a moment I thought I was reading Ann Voskamp, whom I truly love. It’s the depth of feeling I heard in each line that kept me on your page. I LOVED it, I CONNECTED with it, I APPRECIATED it. Thank you and God Bless you GirlWithBlog!
Anna Rendell says
Forgive you?! How about THANK you? I’m honored by the comparison. Ann means so much to the (in)courage community <3 I can't tell you how I appreciate your comment and encouragement!
Kimmie says
Anna,
I really appreciate your encouraging words and the way you point us Mommas to our Savior. Thanks for being bold in writing about your fears (“the headlines find me”). I can relate for sure as a mother of four. Keep using your spiritual gift from God.
Marshell says
Oh how I relate!!!! I see so many other who relate as well. And I too want to write and share stories with other “real” people who love passionately and sometimes fail miserable but still find strength in the hope our sovereign God provides. Who aren’t afraid to seek answers to the hard questions and look forward to being better everyday. Those of us mothers who struggle with the upkeep of our homes, busy schedule, soccer games and bible studies, time with God and time loving on ourselves, babies and spouses (for those of us who have them). I thank you for your transparency and hope you continue to write about the “Good” things that are in all of our hearts. God bless.
Rebecca L Jones says
Making real friends is difficult at any age. People tend to gravitate to those with their own beliefs and away as from us sometimes as we grow in faith. All women appear to be tired, overly so, it has been an oppression te Lrd wants to lift, to keep it simple, to hold us in His love. I’m finishing my writing challenge on rest if you care to check out my blog, https://adaughtersgiftoflove.wordpress.com/2016/10/27/soul-restful/
Gina Gardner says
Anna, I could NOT have said this better. This is EXACTLY how it is with me. I appreciate you speaking out and letting others know that they are not alone in their journeys. I believe that God is using your words to relay compassion and a sense of community among us moms. I pray that God blesses you with wisdom and direction through the power of HIs peace as you put your trust in Him.
Theresa says
Sounds like you are writing about the good in real life. Keep it up. It’s something we need to hear.
Tracy says
Anna you have written beautifully thank you. I also want to write. I want to start a new blog where I can share my faithFull story.
Brittany Raschdorf says
Beautiful post Anna! You encompassed so many of my inner thoughts and struggles. Sometimes with little ones it seems as if life is in fast forward, and then other times things seem to get paused for what feels like forever. Then once again, without warning, we are thrust back into fast forward to catch up with all the time we lost while standing still. It’s a crazy, exhausting cycle, motherhood. But there are these fragments, these tiny specs, that are effortlessly beautiful. You certainly aren’t alone in this season (allthough I agree, through the lens of social media it can seem that way a lot) – but this season – its a season of growing, of making mistakes and learning from them, of blind trust and leaps of faith. Its a season of messes and making magical memories. So thank you for your words today. They were exactly what I needed to see.
Diane Bailey says
Ann I love your writing. You write with passion, understanding and with the intent to bring women together. Love you girl!
Diana says
Anna, isn’t it wonderful to see how many hearts you have connected with your writing the good!? Keep listening to God and He will continue to bless you. Thank you for expressing what so many of us feel.
Beth Williams says
Anna,
I want to write about the struggle to live in the between — between work, between personal, between all the things that get in the way of both. AMEN! That sentence fits me to a tee. Over the past few years I have struggled with the in between. My aging dad had major medical/health issues. Juggling that with a job that was changing and life I felt stressed. It got to the point I had to quit my job to fully manage his health. You are a great writer and resonate with soo many women. Please keep writing and encouraging us!
Blessings 🙂
Sara Brunsvold says
Anna-
Yes. All of this. Yes. This puts into words — good words — where my writer’s heart is now. Shared it to my followers on Find the Lovely.