This I know, that God is for me.
~ Psalm 56:9b
Once upon a time, a long, long, time ago, Beth Moore and I were best friends.
Each time she’d release a new Bible study, I was in the front row absorbing Jesus (in somebody’s living room), a thirsty sponge soaking up words. And, sure enough, at some point during every study I was certain she was knocking around inside my head. There was always a good Word just for me.
If I’m remembering correctly, it was Beth who first challenged me to “tell on” people by pouring out my list of slights and offensives straight to God — not my husband or best girlfriend, and certainly not my Sunday school prayer chain.
Are prayer chains still even a thing?
Years have gone by since I first heard that wise counsel, and yet it remains a temptation to “tell on” others to others when I’ve been wronged. It feels good for my friends to agree with me, to take my side, to believe my point of view is the right one, to sympathize and empathize with my pain.
But one thing I’ve learned for sure when you have opposite sides of a story: the truth lies somewhere in between.
Whether between two friends, or among diametrically opposed groups,
there’s your side of the story and their side of the story,
and the truth sits somewhere in the middle.
We can’t escape our humanity though, can we? We’re human and our feelings get hurt. It is one of God’s generous gifts to man that He lived as a man, so He can relate as a man, and understand emotional pain and suffering from the inside out.
While sometimes people are rude or cruel on purpose, it’s just as likely they aren’t even aware. They don’t even realize your heart has been bruised by their words or actions. Or maybe it’s sins of omission — it is what they don’t say or do that hurts.
I find this especially relevant in a faith-conference culture, where authors, bloggers, speakers, and musicians are accessible through their online formats. As readers and followers, we may engage on our end, and if reciprocated, it might feel like a real (albeit online) friendship. Yet, when given real life opportunity to pursue deeper relationship, the object of your friendship-affection never makes time to be with you. If you’ve been brave enough to initiate getting together, that can feel like a real snub. Of course, this can also happen right in your back yard — at work, on the soccer sidelines, or worst of all, at church.
The hard reality to accept is maybe your “friend” doesn’t know you’re friends. Real friends don’t have to jockey for position. Real friends respond to texts, emails, or messages. They reach out first. They might even know your birthday without Facebook telling them.
Might I offer you a tender word of advice?
Don’t keep fighting for a place in a person’s life. When she cares about and values you as much as you do her, she will always save a place for you.
Read that again. And again. As many times as necessary to let go of one-sided friendships that undermine your personal value or assault your heart.
It’s painful when someone once close to you disappears. I’ve had women, with whom I’ve shared secrets and life, ghost me with no explanation. It is rare, but sometimes they do have reasons they’re willing to share. Whether or not I agree with their rationale is irrelevant; it doesn’t matter if they took something I said or did in a way I never intended. Their hurt is just as real to them as mine is when the shoe is on the other foot.
I was bowled over by a quote from comedian Louis C.K. of all people:
When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.
Wow. Simple, profound . . . and true. It’s not about our intentions, it’s about the impact of our actions on others.
One day I was spiraling downward into one of those dangerous friendship-pity parties, the kind birthed from being marginalized, ignored, or plain forgotten. But also the kind based on pure conjecture . . . make-believe. My first thought was to reach out to a friend who would understand, who would shake her head in sympathy, and do everything she could to make me feel loved, known, accepted, remembered, and valued. But I stopped myself, literally thinking of my bestie Beth Moore, and I started whining to God instead.
I dropped to my knees, earnestly begging, tired of falling prey to the enemy of my heart over this particular relationship. I offered the list of offenses to God and said out loud, “WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT…?”
And, immediately, incredibly, God in His graciousness told me exactly what to “do.”
Three commands that challenged and healed me, not only in that moment but in similar instances since, when I’m tempted to trash-talk someone who’s hurt my feelings:
- You Forgive Her. (Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:14-15, Ephesians 4:29-32, Daniel 9:9)
- You Love Her. (1 John 4:7, Proverbs 10:12, Romans 5:8, 1 John 3:16-18, Matthew 22:37-39)
- You Be For Her. (Romans 8:31-39, Psalm 56:9)
Well. Fine.
God wasn’t only telling me what I already knew, He was reminding me what He has already done for me, over and over and over.
When you’re young, friendship comes naturally (of course, hot pink Hello Kitty cowboy boots might encourage a quick connection.) I was actually so arrogant for a while I didn’t believe I needed women in my life. Somewhere along the way it seems to get more complicated.
Lovies, remember who you are (chosen, adopted, loved, forgiven, redeemed, known), and more importantly Whose you are (John 1:12). One of the easiest ways the enemy of your heart can make you forget is through fractured friendships. If you’re hurting right now, I am so, so sorry. It’s hard to believe you’ll make it to the other side sometimes.
But forgiving, loving, and being for the people in your life who’ve hurt you brings freedom and peace.
And isn’t that the way of Christ?
Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Robin,
The advice about not to continue fighting for a place in someone’s life, really hit me between the eyes. If she values me, she will always save a place for me. Wow! Right now that “friend” is my adult daughter – that’s why it hurts so much. Talk about some one you’ve literally given your life for and then to be rejected… this is huge hurt. I have tried and tried, and forgiven, and extended the olive branch over and over only to get burned. I have felt God distinctly tell me to let go and let Him work (I know she is hurting). Perhaps, I am not the one who can “fix” this one. I will still always be here if she is to turn around, but trying to hold onto relationships that are not reciprocated is a form of torture. When I feel the urge – I will “tell on” her to God (love this). He understands my pain better than anyone. Much needed post this morning!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Robin Dance says
Bev, I’m convinced “all” of us have those people in our lives–of precious value, who aren’t saving a place for us. 🙁 I understand that heartbreak, and yes…I know the pain is magnified when that person shares our blood. I’m praying as I write that God will continue to do a Holy work in the midst of your relationship, that he will accomplish his good and perfect will (no doubt about that part), and that the two of you will find a way back to one another in a way that gives all glory to him. In the meantime, I’m sending you a ((hug)). xo
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Thanks Robin…returning that much needed (((hug))).
Bev xo
Beth Williams says
Bev,
Praying for you and your daughter daily. May God heal and soften her heart. Trust in God that He is doing a work in her.
Sweet sister you and your family are always in my prayers! 🙂
Blessings 🙂
Penny says
Bev,
I too will pray that all will be well with your relationship with your daughter.
Blessings to you,
Penny
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Beth,
My sweet prayer warrior friend. Thank you, thank you for your continuing love and prayer! It means more than you know…
Bev xo
cammie says
I am so sorry. As a mom, I can’t imagine the hurt you feel. I will be praying for you, and for the Lord to soften your daughter’s heart.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Thanks Cammie – I never thought I’d find myself in this situation. Thank you for your prayers!
Bev xx
Marlene says
AMEN! it is so true & I give thanks for your words!
Robin Dance says
🙂
MJane says
Dear Bev,
I know and have felt your pain. Although my daughter suffers from mental illness, it doesn’t change the fact that rejection from a daughter can be overwhelming. Fortunately, I have finally let go and am letting God work this out in her. That has taken a lot of time and prayer to open my clenched and empty fist and let God take the reins. To think that I actually could guide and control those reins finally became unrealistic to me. The veil had lifted. And God with his amazing power, took away the anxiety, the shame, the overwhelming loss. The peace that only He can bring took residence in my aching heart. Do I miss her and my grandchildren? Certainly. But, the peace of knowing that HE knows, and HE will work things out in HIS time, while I step out of the tangled mess, is good with me–finally.
I love your quote, “trying to hold onto relationships that are not reciprocated is a form of torture.”…yes indeed.
I am praying for you and your relationship with your daughter. I hope that the healing is swift.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
MJane,
Thank you for sharing your heart – it gives me encouragement. God is giving me peace about all this. I have felt His hand on my shoulder saying, just step back…let Me work. It’s hard when people, who don’t know, ask me how my daughter is doing. I usually say, “fine” when in my heart I’m saying, “She’s in God’s faithful hands.” Opening clenched and empty fists – I can relate to that. Thank you for your prayers!!
Blessings and prayers to you sweet sister,
Bev ((hugs))
Cheryl says
Don’t give up praying for her… I went 9 1/2 years with no relationship with my mom. Meanwhile friends etc told me to contact her again…but I had been hurt so many times…I told God over and over thru the no relationship years constantly, that I would contact her when HE TOLD ME TOO… THEN ONEDAY HE DID…WOW… I opened a card I had bought years before in a plastic cover WHICH SAID BLANK INSIDE with little girl in field of flowers, to send to my aunt and guess what…it TO MY SURPRISE SAID..Happy Birthday.. I said Lord whose birthday is it next…and it was my Moms!! Yes I sent and began a slow careful relationship again though now 2000 miles away.
I can’t say it has been easy… I have been hurt badly several times since… And on visits..But continue… Send cards with just simple notes .
I was born out of wedlock… Never knew my Dad..raised by a Grandma. Keep faith. Let go of anger..and let God work! And don!t let anyone or anything steal your ‘Joy’ in Jesus or give you fear. God is a God of miracles… The battle is the Lords!
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Cheryl,
Yes, it gets discouraging to keep extending your hand only to have it returned empty. I will send her a card and tell her I love her from time to time. I know if she returned, I would welcome her with open arms. I do see where God needs to work and I have done all that I an do. Anger and resentment have faded and I feel more sorry for her. Thank you for the reminder that our God IS a God of miracles. Thank you for the encouragement to not let anyone or anything steal my joy. Thank you for taking the time to write and share.
Love and blessings,
Bev xx
An says
Hey dear Bev, dear sisters. Praying beside you, Bev, for your daughter, for you. I understand where you are coming from, thought my situation is the opposite. It’s so hard to let go and let the Lord, to struggle with feelings of guilt, pain, and sorrow-it really is an opening of the fist MJane. Like you and Robin said, we have to forgive, be for them and not against them by doing what out Lord asks, trusting Him. Cheryl, I have seen Him do what He did for you for me too and while that relationship is slow and will potentially always be limited, our Lord has been so good 🙂
Bev, I know that our Lord will see you through this deep pain, this deep sorrow-He truly is faithful. Its a testament to the work of prayer, His work in you that you would welcome her into your arms-some never would. Always persevere for He is always at work in ways we can’t see. Praying for strength and gentleness for you, dear Bev, for you and your daughter’s hearts to be healed and made whole by the One who is close to the broken hearted and crushed in spirit. Keep your eyes on Him, dear sister, as I know you will and your joy will be complete 🙂 So many hugs for you 🙂
Mary says
You have preached this to me before and it still resonates with me here. Thank you, Robin, for sharing such encouragement and wisdom. Love you friend!!
Robin Dance says
Ha! I just replied to your tweet saying close to the same thing :). Love that (and thank you for sharing!!).
Elizabeth says
“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” Wow. As someone who often doesn’t understand why people can be so ‘sensitive’ about friendship issues this was convicting. Such great insight in this post! Thank you!
Robin Dance says
Elizabeth,
Yes…the first time I heard that quote (still amazed at who said it!), it knocked me square in the heart. Ouch. But, kinda revolutionary in its own way :).
Subi Wilks says
Thanks, Robin — I needed this. I’ve been nursing a betrayal by a now ex-friend for a number of years, and more often than I’d care to admit, did my whining to others instead of God. I’ve made advances in forgiveness and loving her, but I must admit that I’ve missed the third point of being for her. Food for thought.
Robin Dance says
Subi,
I’ve sometimes gotten two out of three, too…. 🙂
Nancy says
Praise God for so much wisdom in your message today Robin! My own Mom has often said such hurtful things to me for years and favors my older sister big time. I constantly pray to love her with the Love of Jesus, because I do not think my Mom intentionally has tried to hurt me over the years. It is rather complicated, but let me just share that my sister once took me to a David Wilkerson Crusade where I met Jesus as my Personal Savior. Now, that sister does not walk with the Lord but is a brilliant college professor. I pray constantly for both my Mom and my sister. I love the quote:
“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”
Louis C.K.
Robin Dance says
Nancy,
It may or not be helpful to mention this, but sometimes I find my prayers shifting from praying for those who’ve hurt me…to simply asking God to change MY heart as it relates to them. Change is near ’bout impossible by our own efforts; a Divine intervention can remove the “im” part of that word :).
Kristin says
This is soooo convicting! I am extremely guilty of having my feelings hurt & rushing to my best friend’s sides rather than God’s. My first instinct tells me not to love them, not to forgive them. But that’s not what we are called to do & that’s most certainly not the way of Jesus! This hit me so hard. I need to do better! Thank you for sharing this with us!
Robin Dance says
Kristin,
If this ministered to you in any way, it was all God, only Him. Trust me…I’ve learned this (AM learning) the hard(headed) way.
Debbie says
Robin,
What a blessing your article has been. I have been struggling with how to deal with my sister. We weren’t always close, there are nine years between us but these last few years I thought we were becoming the sisters I had always hoped we would be. Something has changed, I asked her if I did something and she says I didn’t but she has not talked or tried to contact me for months. I have always told her that she can talk to me and she knows that I pray for her and her husband. It’s hard though, especially since I know she’s keeping up with other friends so it does hurt. I have been praying for her and maybe that is all I can do. God is in control and He knows what she needs but it is hard to let go. Thank you for reminding me to listen to the One Who cares.
Nancy says
Debbie, thanks for sharing your heart with all of us. Is your sister a Christian? Maybe it is NOT about being upset with you, but that the enemy is trying to cause conflict between you? Praying that your friendship will be mended by the Great seamstress of Life…Jesus. I am not close to my sister anymore since she has walked away from God, but it is so important to keep praying for our sisters. I will also pray that the Lord will give you peace about this situation with your sister.
Beth Williams says
Debbie,
Sending prayers for you and your sister. May God soften her heart and bring about reconciliation. I pray you feel comforted by knowing God and us (In) Courage women are going to battle with you and for you!
(((((Hugs)))))
Robin Dance says
Debbie, my heart hurts for your pain, knowing that that kind of personal pain is almost unbearable at times. Still, in keeping with what the Lord has shown me in my life, I’m praying for you to draw closer to HIM as a result of your void, and that He will (continue) to work in you.
C. Brugger says
Just on time as my *feelings* towards my man have diminished once again! My devotional for today spoke these same words! Blessed be the Name of our Lord & Savior who was & is & is to come.
Robin Dance says
🙂
NJ says
Dear Robin and other Encourage Friends who have written,
Very helpful, thank you Robin for your insights. I just have one comment about “the truth always lies somewhere in the middle.” I think that although it is true at times, that is too simplistic to cover all; it is not a one time answer to all relationship breakdowns. Sometimes we DO have the truth right; the facts are the facts. But the other person has decided to trash us; make up things or highly exaggerate and twist things for some gain of their own; or be influenced by people with differing values and to impress them; or the person may have just decided to blame us for other things and people in their life since we are the easiest to dump on; and then there is always the possibility of jealousy toward us; and of course just living out your godly convictions, even though you are the most patient and loving you can possibly be. They may want to hurt us, because they have been hurt by someone else. The list goes on for reasons why they have decided to leave the relationship and trash us. And of course the narcissism and isolation of this culture are directly in opposition to the Bibles command to be working on relationships of selflessness and seeking the other person’s good, and of course seeking forgiveness and peace when possible (the reconciliation commands in the Bible). These Biblical commands on relationships are is so absent in many situations. There is an epidemic of this absence of these reconciliation qualities and commands toward Christian parents from their grown “Christian” children. So I do not believe the truth ALWAYS lies in the middle and I think there are many Biblical characters that prove that is not ALWAYS the case, including JESUS. Sometimes the truth is in the middle, but not always.
Thank you again, Robin.
NJ
Robin Dance says
Hi NJ,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I wanted to let you know you misquoted me, though. I was very careful NOT to use the word “always.”
Always and never can be dangerous words, so I try to be mindful to use them carefully. 🙂
NJ says
PS. It is Biblical to go to the person whether you have something against them, or they against you, to try to work things out. Often, very often if we both want the LORD’s will and both want reconciliation, when we both hear the other person’s side then we both can understand better and there can be healing, forgiveness, peace and reconciliation. But as has been mentioned today on many of these posts, and certainly true in my own life: a person may have no desire for forgiveness, peace, reconciliation. So we can be left bewildered, very painfully hurt and tormented when it is someone we love, like our grown children. We are to help each other with our burdens, so I also believe that it is not a sin to ask for help and prayer and be able to talk to close friends about such traumas. We need each other most during such times.
NJ
Sandy says
Hi Robin,
Thank you so much for sharing this great reminder. I’m in the season in my life where I recognize my need for other women in my life be it family or friends…. We are not islands to ourselves. I need the Lord to soften my heart so that I can graciously forgive, love and be there for the women God has blessed me with.
Robin Dance says
Sandy,
What a beautiful prayer–“Lord, soften my heart so I can graciously forgive, love, and be for women….” (amen!)
Shelly says
Sandy, that is my prayer too – thank you for putting it into simple words. I pray He answers your prayer and mine.
chris jacobsen says
Thank you….
Robin Dance says
…you’re welcome.
Beth Williams says
Robin,
Such great advice. It is often easy to want to tell someone about the hurt rather than pray about it. God admonishes us to forgive as He forgives us. We really need to confront the person and like you said forgive, love and be there for her. God wants us in community with each other. He wants us all to love one another and He loves us. It seems sometimes that the devil plays a role in some separations. He wants nothing more than to see us tear at each other. We need to fight for our friendships daily.
Blessings 🙂
Robin Dance says
Beth,
Yep, our enemy delights in our heartache and broken relationships. Jerk.
Britte Conner says
I so needed to hear,be reminded of this. Thank you.
Robin Dance says
<3
Penny says
Robin,
This was a huge help, thank-you for sharing this with us. We also can’t force other’s to think or feel as we do. If they are done we have to accept what we can not change.
Penny
Robin Dance says
That is one tough acceptance, Penny. But, OH, what God can teach us through that….!
KLU says
Hi Robin,
I, too, have felt neglected by a friend I have known for over 45 years. I go into the “self-pitying” phase first, convincing myself that if I didn’t make contact with her there would be no contact. The self-pitying leads to irritation with her, and then the irritation leads to anger towards her. Mind you, she has no idea how I’m feeling. I pout for a while, determining I’m not going to make any contact with her until I hear from her first….and then I end up deciding to “suck it up” when I remember that we serve the God of a million chances. How many times have I disappointed Him?…how many times have I put other things before Him?…How many times do I neglect Him?…how many times do I need to ask for forgiveness?…and in my spirit I know He is always there, with arms wide, and I realize that whatever issues my friend has, I need to show love to her no matter what. So, thank you, Robin, for a very enlightening article. Your words are a precious reminder that we need to let God handle how we feel, to allow Him to work in us, and leave the “fixing” of others to Him.
Robin Dance says
KLU ~ You have a lot of years invested in that friendship; but you seem to recognize your pattern with her. I DO think that our feelings are real to us, part of our identity, but perhaps it’s in the managing of them a whale of hurt happens. When I wonder how to love someone well, when it’s not something necessarily wanted (which hurts), I re-read 1 Corinthians 13 and “do” love as it’s described there. I’m patience, kind…etc.
Dianna says
This rings true for many of us seeking/maintaining genuine friendships. I just wrote about forgiveness in “Walls” on ordinarythreads.com in response to some ongoing relationship angst. A former post “Stand In” is about friends stepping in when they have sisters hurting or in challenging situations. So thankful for the gifts of grace & mercy we have in Christ!
Robin Dance says
Grace and mercy have treasure, indeed. Thanks, Dianna.
cammie says
Thank you for this. It speaks to me so much. My sister and I used to be close, our children were close and we live near each other, spent time together etc. Two years ago my oldest child was rebelling and acting out, causing hurt in our family. My sister and her husband turned their backs on us, were judgemental and unsupportive. After I got past the shock of how they were acting, the pain set in and it’s still fresh today. My husband and I have tried to meet with them several times, we’ve sought Biblical counsel, prayed, etc. They do not want to meet with us or discuss it. It hurts and it’s hurting not only my immediate family but my parents. I continue to lean on the Lord and pray for His will even though I don’t understand it.
Penny says
Cammie,
I am sorry for the hurt you’ve been caused, and pray that things will be well again for your family.
Have a blessed day,
Penny
Robin Dance says
Oh, Cammie…I can’t imagine. I DO pray that God reveals himself to all in a way that brings true reconciliation. And in the meantime, that you can sense God working in you and your husband for your good and his glory. ((hugs))
Keri McCue says
I can’t even tell you how timely this is for me. Thank you. Thank you for confirming to me that it’s okay not to be friends anymore, that I don’t have to keep trying if it’s been one-sided for years. And thank you for pointing me back to God. I tend to “vent” to my poor husband when I should be seeking God first!
Shelly says
Keri, those were some of the points that stood out in the article for me. I was reminded that I should be seeking God first (not second or not at all) and that sometimes it’s ok to let go of a friendship and say goodbye if it’s for the right reasons and done without malice.
Robin Dance says
Keri (and Shelly), it’s an odd sort of “permission,” isn’t it? As I prayed over this post, I asked God to lead my thoughts, and for me to surrender my pen to him. So, if there’s anything of value, anything that can help bring healing to your heart, it’s all God <3. (And I hope nothing sticks that's from ME!! 🙂 )
Brenda says
Robin…..I love what you share; so real, so true. Thank you.
Robin Dance says
Brenda,
((smiles)) Short, sweet, very kind comment. (thank YOU)
Shelly says
Robin, thank you for ‘mentoring’ me with this heart-written piece. I am in this place right now, with a decades long friendship. There are many gems in your article for me (and others) to take away and meditate on; I’m currently going through the verses of scripture that you posted.
Reading this has again proved to my heart that Jesus is concerned with every area of our lives and is always on time.
-S
Robin Dance says
Shelly,
Just so you know, your comment is a word-gift to me <3. Maybe the reason this post is resonating with others is because it's heart-wrung from a place of personal pain. Everything is redeemable, which is beautiful....
Serena says
Thank you, thank you and thank you for sharing such words of encouragement and wisdom! To choose to forgive, love and let go and continue it over and over again with whoever it may be truly takes only God given courage. Only Jesus can mend our broken heartedness. Thank you again and a zillion times. I really need the reminder.
Robin Dance says
Serena,
🙂 To God be the glory 🙂
Kay says
Thank you for your wise, hope-filled words, Robin. I have just in the past few months “come out on the other side” of the type of friendship hurt you have written about. It was a sweet, long and significant friendship, so the pain endured and I wrestled with it for about a year before I finally quit fighting for that place in her life. And then, because my heart had been so bruised by the battle it took another year or so to really heal. But I have healed. My heart has stopped clinging and fighting, my dignity has been restored and I have joy again. And I have forgiven her, loved her and continued to be for her. Your instructions are so wise and biblical.
I simply want anyone else who is reading this comment to know that the pain does eventually stop, if you keep a soft heart and follow these principles. Indeed, you have to stop fighting for a place in her heart and start fighting the enemy for your heart instead. Fight to keep it focused on God’s love and sacrifice for you, fight to keep it pure and true, and fight to keep it soft and teachable. God mends the broken heart when we stop licking our wounds and begin applying the ointments of truth and grace instead.
Shelly says
Amen Kay! Thanks for posting – your last paragraph really spoke to me.
So much wisdom on this one page 🙂
Kay says
Saying a prayer for you today, Shelly. I know how much a friendship wound takes us by surprise and how surprisingly deep it cuts. Not to push anything on you, but out of my friendship wound and healing God led and enabled me to write a bible study about healing from heart wounds. It’s called Joseph – Keeping a Soft Heart in a Hard Place and it’s available at my website kayharms.com or at Amazon.com. It’s a seven week verse by verse study of Genesis 37-50, the story of Joseph and his amazing triumph over pain. Blessings!
ShellyB says
Thanks so much Kay, your prayer is appreciated. I will check out the resource you recommended (I love the story of Joseph) 🙂
Robin Dance says
{{{hugs}}} Thank you for your words here, Kay.
Tina says
Wise words, treasured advice, love and Christ focused! Amen!
nicole morgan says
Oooh, both a GOOD and GOD reminder this morning – thank you sweetness.
Sometimes the words we need to read are simply delivered to our inboxes …
Robin Dance says
Nicole…HEY!! <3
Mae says
Step #3, Be for her. What does this look like? How do you do this? Examples?
Penny says
Mae,
To me it means to reach out, and/ or think well. I’ve had to accept that while a friendship might not be mended it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t wish that person well. I hope this makes sense.
Have a blessed day,
Penny
Robin Dance says
Mae,
Great question. In the instance that prompted my ernest prayer and which I’ve written about here, it is largely a head game since we don’t see each other often. Penny hit on part of that with simply thinking well of her; for me, when she’s come to mind, I’ve prayed for her and thanked God for her Kingdom work. I thanked him for the people in her life, asked for her to grow in her relationship with Christ, and then thanked him for the incredible women he’s brought into my own life. I’ve trusted that if “that” (or other) friendship doesn’t seem to gain traction or have mutual connection, it must be best for us not to be close. When we happen to be at the same place at the same time, I’m kind, interested, and loving; very much a “treat her as you wish to be treated” response. However, I no longer have expectation of friendship forming, and to the glory of God, I no longer desire it. Last, if given the chance to encourage her (i.e., online or IRL), I do. All this might not seem like a lot, but for me, it’s a heart shift that means everything. Does this help at all?
Kristen says
Hi Robyn,
Love your writings and would like your opinion on how to handle a tender M-I-L situation. Setting boundaries about my 2 children has proven to be tricky and have been violated repeatedly despite reinforcing. The offenses are minor in themselves but there’s a lack of awareness about how the violations hurt my feelings. I am a professing Christian while my M-I-L is not, so I know I have to be careful. I often give into temptation and end up talking to my husband about it (angrily) which diffuses my anger and allows me to continue to interact with her in a relatively peaceful manner. In my hurt I have threatened, if only in my mind, to avoid interactions due to violated boundaries, but it just doesn’t feel Christ-like to do that. How do suggest that I reconcile violated boundaries with unconditional love and honest communication?
Kristen says
Robin, so sorry that I misspelled your name!
Robin Dance says
Kristen!! PLEASE don’t worry about misspelling my name! And forgive me for not getting back with you yet? I’ve had a busy few days and need to leave now, but wanted to let you know I’m praying over how to respond :). (and all the comments that have come after yours–I see them and haven’t been able to reply!! GRACE, please??)
Will holla back soon. Until then, I AM praying…always a good default :).
Kristen says
No problem at all…may God bless you, sister, for caring so much about your readership.
Kathy Cheek, Devotions from the Heart says
As I recall the times I have been hurt, I would say some of the fallout from that is it makes us less trusting of others going forward, and I want to encourage others as Robin has so beautifully and wisely spoken to us, don’t close up your heart, still be open to new friendships! I know that on the one hand we want to guard our heart, but on the other hand if we guard it to carefully, we will end up building a wall.
Off topic, I would love it if you stopped by this link to read my short reflective devotion on Psalm 23.
http://www.thoughts-about-god.com/blog/2017/02/05/kc_psalm-23-reflection/
Tammy says
Robin,
This was an amazing, on time post just for me!
I had been feeling the need to ‘tell on’ someone very close to me (and I have, much to my dismay) who have bothered, offended, frustrated and upset me etc some days to no end. And I think what’s most upsetting and troubling is their inability to see where they’ve erred (a great personal belief that they’re right with no regard or consideration that they might be wrong). Uugghh!
But prayer changes things! James 5:16-18 tells us what to do but unfortunately many of us (myself included) can lack the humility needed to fulfill the first part of 16; we only like to quote the latter part. Help us Jesus!
I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that these are attacks of the enemy who wants to ruin me and rob me of my joy, peace and sanity…these offenses can torment you day after day and night after night (if you let them) and moreso because they’re coming from someone you love. The devil is a lie!
I have of late have been ‘telling’ God. While others may sincerely ‘agree with me, take my side, believe my point of view is the right one, sympathize and empathize with my pain’ only God knows the REAL truth (past my perspectives fueled by my hurt feelings and rollercoaster of emotions). I know that only God can help (both me and them) with the transitions needed to begin our much needed healing, forgiving and deliverance processes!
Thank you once again for such an awesome well written, home hitting post!
Blessings
BridgetAnne says
So on point Tammy!
BridgetAnne says
Dear Robin
Thank you for this wonderful writing. It rocked my world! I love how Holy Spirit counsels us in the sweetest ways. God bless you
Rebecca L Jones says
I like this. Especially, Beth Moore’s advice. I tell my mother people have hurt me so much, I’m surprised I care about anyone. I will tell God too, but He knows. He made me better than that, I can shake off those serpent stings of wicked tongues of others right into the hell fire they belong in.
Emily R Green says
such beautiful insight and wise counsel! I related and resonated with so much that you shared. there is something deep and raw about the hurt that happens in friendships … as a deeply relational, feeling-all-the-things gal ;), i have to be careful to not allow my mind and heart to marinate on the hurts. i cringe to think of the time i’ve wasted in the past on replaying and reviewing hurt. nothing like a breast cancer diagnosis to nudge me far away from that place and into one where i celebrate the love and friendship, believe the best, and seek to quickly release the feelings that may be due to misunderstanding, skewed perspective, etc!
blessings to you!!
Debbie Caton says
This was perfect for me today!!!! Don’t keep fighting for a place in a person’s life. When she cares about and values you as much as you do her, she will always save a place for you. I did read this over and over. My feelings are hurt, truth be told, I am not as important anymore, and that makes me sad. I recognize when I call and talk to other friends about this also…kind of like putting gasoline on a fire, and I know God doesn’t want me to do that. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head.
God bless you
Debbie
Theresa says
Wise words to help us with friendships. I love your part about not complaining to everyone and telling your side of your story, but instead taking it to God.
Esther Hosea says
Thanks for the great post Robin! Spot on!
This was my first time on your blog, and I’m excited to go read more!
I am so blessed to have some of the most amazing friends on the planet, but I have definitely been hurt in the past, and I’m sure done my fair share of hurting! Appreciate the scripture and the encouragement!
Gonna work on “telling on” people to God alone!
And btw, I sometimes pretend Beth Moore is my bff too!
Marissa Henley says
Thank you for writing this – I needed it! So much great truth here. I need to start tattling only to the Lord and allowing Him to deal with the hurt and bitterness in my heart. And I loved the scripture references you gave – I spent time working through those with my journal and the Lord this morning and thinking how these principles from His Word apply to some difficult relationships. I’m grateful for your encouragement!
Suzy says
Today I needed this reminder. I attended an event this weekend. It was a small group, maybe 12. I knew 3. I have a very rare disease (only 105 cases in the world). It is not contagious. It causes me to cough. Sometimes I am even unaware I am coughing. If it gets bad I excuse myself. So, it wasn’t bad this weekend. But at one point I left the room to use the ladies room and there were 3 women in the hallway talking about me…critically one said, “are you sick?” I choose not to explain myself, because I felt put on the defensive… I felt humiliated. Alone. Unwanted. Unaccepted. Judged. Rejected. Hurt. By Christian sisters. I left. Because this disease has so few people with it there are no grants for research, which means no cure. No hope for a cure. And this weekend it made me feel isolated. I came home, crying, exhausted from a disease that hurts me in more ways than physical, hurt by strangers who were unkind and ignorant. I won’t ever see these people again so it shouldn’t matter. I shouldn’t let them have the power to hurt me. But I was sitting in a spot of self pity. After reading this I realize I need to forgive them and let it go. I can’t change them…but I can change my response. I choose to forgive. I choose not to allow them to rob me of my joy. Thank you, again, for reminding me to not live hurt. Thank you for giving me a chance to share, it helped,
Amy Carter says
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am in a season of my life right now that is the most difficult one I have been in so far. The storms are raging and I am having to choose every single day to forgive and it is hard and there are days when I just want to give up.
But then there is God, and I know in my heart that everything that I am going through is for a reason…and a season of trimming is always worth the pain that comes with the cuts.
I just keep reminding myself that the blooms and the fruit are going to be worth every ounce of pain.
Rosanna says
I’ve been struggling with friendships, lately. In all truthfulness and honesty, I rarely get a phone call or text from any of my friends. It’s almost always me that initiates things. That hurts really bad for me at times. I’ve prayed that God would lead me towards one good friend that I could call on at any time and that would call me but so far I haven’t had an answer. I’ve given up on always being the one to call in the past, but then that means I literally have no fellowship. It’s hard and it’s lonely. Lately, I’ve been taking my loneliness to God and asking him to fill it.
Summer says
Dearest Miss Dance,
Thank you so much for such a great post! I’ve recently learned (and continue too learn) a LOT about boundaries. How it is so important that we surround ourselves with strong, God fearing women and spend our extra time wisely; always with our Heavenly Father at the center of it. While we may not want to associate with certain people/put ourselves in certain situations it is still important to show love to those around us. I love and can definitely relate to “telling” it all to God. It is a practice to break something that for a lot of us I’m sure is habit… but, it feels a whole lot better. Lastly, I love the list of three and the way you explained “being for her” and while you may not see eye to eye you can be happy for her work in the Kingdom is amazingly said. Thank you again!
This side of Heaven,
Summer Rae