The prospect of moving 800 miles away filled me with grief. As an introverted person, anticipating the loss of the friendships I’d built over many years was deeply painful. I feared losing the proximity that wove my life into the fabric of others’. I feared distance would unavoidably change, or even end, those relationships. I was, in many ways, ready for a new adventure, but the thought of starting over relationally was a heavy weight in my heart.
My friend’s words were a surprising gift. And the remedy to my ache.
“Kirsten, I don’t want to lose the closeness we share just because you’re moving. What do you think of setting a weekly phone date so we can keep in touch?”
The commitment she offered was a significant one: as a full-time, high-level employee at a Fortune 100 company, a wife, and mother, time was a precious commodity in her life. Yet because of the value she placed on our friendship, she was willing to arrange her schedule to accommodate a call every week. Her expression of intentionality made me feel accepted, chosen, and valued. I responded in kind: the same commitment, the same expression of love.
Nearly ten years later, that standing date still graces my calendar each Thursday. We’ve missed a handful of times because of travel or holidays. More often than not, however, we move our call to another day and time in the week so we don’t have to skip.
Because we’re current on the happenings in each other’s life, we’re able to cut straight to the chase when the phone rings:
“Was your daughter accepted to the school she wanted?”
“What did the physician say? I can book a flight today if you need me to be there.”
“You were really hurting after your last interaction with your neighbor. I’ve been praying for you. Have you seen her this week?”
And because of the commitment, we trust one another not only to hold our confidences, but also to speak the hard truths that occasionally need to be heard:
“It sounds like you overreacted. Have you thought about following up to mend fences?”
“Can you help me understand how your thinking holds up in the light of Scripture?”
“You’re being way too hard on yourself. God’s grace is sufficient to cover this, too.”
In an era when texts often replace dialog, these conversations have an even higher value to me; the investment of time has borne abundant fruit.
I never dreamed our friendship could be stronger after I moved away. And yet that’s exactly what’s happened. While other relationships from my previous hometown have ebbed slowly into the backdrop of my life, and new ones have surged forward as I embraced our new life, this friendship remains anchored deeply in my heart. Our friendship is a point of continuity, bridging not just the distance between our geographical locations, but also the passage of time that flows so swiftly. Our friendship arcs across both decades and miles.
It’s true: distance does change relationships. In a wonderful way if we’ll let it.
Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Kirsten,
Between last night’s Sweatpants Book Club and your post this morning, I keep hearing the word “Intentional” being used over and over again. Whether it’s a friend who lives two doors down or one who lives 800 miles away, if friendship is going to survive, we/I have to be intentional. We have to put some effort into something if we want it to survive. To keep my plants alive, I have to be intentional about watering them (admittedly I can kill plants like none other), but I don’t want to kill friendships so I have to “water” them too. That takes putting down what I’m doing and picking up the phone or my laptop or good old-fashioned pen and paper, and reaching out. I love your phone date and kudos to you both for keeping it! Friendships can survive long-distance if we’re intentional about making them survive. Great reminders here this am!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Michele Morin says
Bev! I had to miss the Book Club last night because of family schedules, but am hoping to catch up on it today! I was so looking forward to gathering with you in a virtual way, at least!
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
It was fun….hope you can join us next week 🙂 Have a blessed day,
Bev xx
Kirsten Holmberg says
Such a great metaphor, Bev! Even though I can’t seem to keep a plant alive, I’m glad to have learned how to nurture friendships. Sounds like you have, too.
Michele Morin says
Kirsten, I especially appreciated the fact that you shared how you and your friend hold each other accountable. My good friend with whom I’ve read the Bible for many years moved quite a distance away several years ago, and we have been determined to stick with our schedule of reading together and checking in with each other. With so many conflicting priorities in our lives, it’s good for the soul to make the commitment to be a faithful friend — in spite of geography!
Kirsten Holmberg says
I love hearing that you do that… and even more that you do it around God’s Word! That’s fantastic. How often do you connect?
Michele Morin says
About weekly by phone. We just had the blessing of a week together (In Real Life!) when she and her husband welcomed my family (and our big slobbery dog, so you KNOW she loves us!) to visit in their home. Truly, that relationship is one of God’s greatest gifts to me!
Sonya says
A beautiful post laced with much wisdom. Thank You!
Kirsten Holmberg says
You’re welcome, Sonya. 🙂
Melissa Henderson says
When my husband and I moved from our home of 19 years, we knew we would miss our dear friends. However, these true friendships have grown stronger and remained precious over the years. We are very thankful for our friends.
Kirsten Holmberg says
I love that you’ve experienced the same things, Melissa! Why do you think that is?
Margaret Davis says
This morning I really needed to read this. I moved from one of my closest friends. This has given me hope to re connect with my friend.
Kirsten Holmberg says
Oh, Margaret! I understand that pain. I encourage you to make the effort to stay close in your hearts even where geography separates you!
carol leboeuf says
Kirsten, Encouraging word, thank u, even though I miss my best friend, my sister, our relationship has definitely developed deeper in our distance from each other. She came to visit last summer and it was quality time together, not like those quick visits on holidays. Also, another lifelong friend that I am closer with now.
Kirsten Holmberg says
Hi Carol! Sisters make GREAT friends, don’t they? I’m glad you’re close and can commit the time to be with one another in person, too!
Courtney Stoops says
Thank you for this!
Kirsten Holmberg says
You’re so welcome! Thanks for reading and for (in)courage for hosting!
Jenn says
I love you, my friend. I think I need to be more intentional with us. I’ll email you with some ideas. XOJ
Rita Rosario says
When I was a kid, I lived in a boarding school for 10 years, here in Brazil
. I left that school in 1966, and now with all the media we are reconnecting and it is so much fun to learn about thos friends. Strangelly enough, we still feel so conected. God is always love.
Kirsten Holmberg says
I love that, Rita! How special to be reconnecting all these years later. 🙂
Beth Williams says
Kristen,
Making, having and keeping friendships alive takes work. It takes more than just a text here and there. We must be intentional about getting together in real life, skype or by phone. It might mean rearranging your schedule a bit, but it is worth it. Keep those friends accountable. Pray for and encourage them. God wants us in community so we must do our part to stay close to friends He sends our way.
Blessings 🙂
Kirsten Holmberg says
Thanks, Beth! Sounds like you really understand (and live) that out! I agree: God designed us for community!