I was 25 years old when my hearing problem was named with a diagnosis. In a number of months, I had gone from believing the TV’s maximum volume was hardly above a whisper to having my life defined by words like Otosclerosis, Tinnitus, and Stapedectomy.
Now, eight years later, I still stumble through the pronunciation of those words, even though I’ve read them on my own medical reports and discussed them ad nauseam with various doctors and surgeons.
The first surgery to improve my hearing was done on my right ear in 2010. It was successful to the point of tears — I literally cried when I realized I could talk on the phone using my right ear or hear a slight whisper from someone standing to my right. Six years later that I had that same surgery performed on my left ear and again I wept, realizing my hearing had been restored and all those syllables I couldn’t pronounce that had once defined my days were now left powerless in the wake of my healing.
Just over three months after my final surgery, both ears hearing at levels they probably never had, my right eardrum ruptured. It was a Friday night and my husband was with me in the ER; I was on my knees atop the hospital bed, writhing in fear and pain.
Would the rupture damage the prosthesis that had been placed in my middle ear? Will the reality of the diagnosis-I-can’t-pronounce be made new? Is this the end of my restored hearing?
None of those questions could be immediately answered and, in the meantime, my previously restored hearing was taken away. All I could hear with my right ear was muffled sounds that left me straining to read lips. On the day after that loud and dramatic Friday in the hospital — the pain managed and work of the ER doctors complete — I woke up on Saturday to silence.
It was eerie, scary, and unwelcomed, the literal silence of this Saturday.
I grew up going to church on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. I never thought much about the Saturday in between; I just knew the “sad service” was over and Sunday’s service would be bright and cheerful and there would be pastries.
However, in the past few years, I’ve come to appreciate Holy Saturday — maybe because I have been able to relate to Saturday’s silence so frequently in my own life.
Saturday held the aftermath of Jesus’ death the night before. Friday had been loud with chaos and trauma, but Saturday? Saturday was quiet. Unanswered questions must have hung in the air like a fog:
Now what? What do we do? How do we move on? Where is God?
There was no response on Saturday. Saturday was crickets. It wasn’t until Sunday when Jesus’ resurrection offered all of the answers, and the world saw light, celebration, and maybe some pastries.
As I write this, it has been one week since my screams of pain could be heard throughout the halls of my local Emergency Room. I am hours away from my second consecutive silent Saturday; I almost feel like I’m getting used to the silence, after silent Monday, silent Tuesday, and so on. I’ve almost forgotten that Sunday is coming — not just the day of the week, but the answers, the celebration, the I-can-feel-it-in-my-bones realization that “He is Risen. He is Risen Indeed.”
But here’s the thing: Sunday does come. The answers, the redemption, the celebration — it’s all coming.
The “Sunday” we’re waiting for doesn’t always arrive when we want it to, but I know it will happen because Easter Sunday happened. Easter Sunday changed everything; it is a promise that every time we find ourselves stuck in the trauma of Friday or the silence of Saturday, a Sunday is coming.
I don’t know what is in store for my hearing, but I know that God is in the silence and He has already declared that the glory of Sunday will meet me — and when it does, may there be sweet sounds and many pastries.
Leave a Comment
N. Miller says
I thank you for your transparency and your truth. This word spoke so much volume and may you be encouraged knowing that your story will impacts others. May you find comfort knowing that God hears and we rest in his confidence for complete healing. I am believing God for your restored hearing.
Mallory Redmond says
What an encouragement. Thank you for your gracious words–and for being here! I’m so grateful.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Mallory,
Thank you for this personal and raw story that is real. It’t not a story that is tied up neatly with a bow and a happy ending – yet. We don’t understand the why’s and wherefore’s of life, yet God calls us to trust and to give Him praise. How difficult to do so when you can’t hear the world around you. I am praying for full restoration of your hearing and you inspire me to lift God up in praise knowing that that victory is ours this side of the grave, but perfection will wait for us in eternity with Him. It keeps us longing for our eternal home – a kind of homesickness if you will. May Jehovah Rophe – the ultimate Healer touch you and make you whole. Awe inspiring post…
Blessings,
Bev xx
Mallory Redmond says
Oh my. Dearest Bev, you bring me to tears! Thank you for your prayers.
Michele Morin says
Mallory, I am completely speechless. Thank you for holding your grief up to the light of God’s power and seeing room for resurrection as Saturday stretches long and hard for you. I’m writing your name in my planner so that I will remember to pray for you in the coming days.
Mallory Redmond says
Michele, you are precious. Thank you for being here, for encouraging me, for praying for me. Now I’M completely speechless! You’re a gift.
Kirsten says
Thank you for sharing God’s love through your struggle.
Mallory Redmond says
I’m honored, Kirsten. Thanks for being here!
Alison says
What a testimony! Thank you for sharing your heart “in the midst” of the journey. I’m not in a painful situation, but I have been waiting, learning to rest and watch and listen. It’s hard. But there is Hope! And we are blessed in so many ways! Your words definitely put a renewed focus, especially in this season, on the One who brings healing, freedom, revelation, and fulfillment of dreams.
Mallory Redmond says
I love this, Alison. Thanks for sharing. There IS Hope! There’s so much of it, and sometimes we lose sight of that. I love how our own stories can help remind each other that hope is real and Sunday comes. Glory!
Kimberly Rechkemmer says
So true! Thank you for this sweet reminder.
Mallory Redmond says
Thanks for reading, Kimberly!
Kim says
God bless you! I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling, but am so happy to read the hope that you contain. God is good, ALL THE TIME, even when we might be going through something that seems overwhelming to us. I lost my sister to cancer last summer and am watching my daughter slowly fade with a blood disorder that doctors can’t seem to correct. I have to tell you that I have witnessed some pretty dark Saturdays lately and will be so glad when Sunday finally comes. I’m looking forward to it!
Mallory Redmond says
Oh, Kim. This is so much. And yet, there is no Saturday so dark that it prevents Sunday from coming. Thank you for sharing this; grace and peace to you, sister.
Kim says
Thank you! Grace and peace to you as well!
Judee says
So blessed by this! Thank you for these encouraging words to a mom of 5 who has been living Silent Saturday for years…..
May the Lord bless and keep you and make His face shine upon you!!!!!
Our Sunday is COMING!!!
Mallory Redmond says
It IS coming, Judee! There’s nothing better!
Erin Whitmer says
Mallory,
Thank you for sharing with us. Your voice is so steady through this, with a certainty of faith and peace, that when I realized this was only a week ago, it was a surprise. I love the notion of the Saturday as the waiting space, and Levi Lusko uses Saturday as the middle place of loss in his book Through the Eyes of a Lion.
Praying that Sunday comes quickly and the silence is temporary so that you can hear the sweet whisper of Jesus when he reminds you of his faithfulness.
Erin
Mallory Redmond says
Thank you, Erin! It has been oh-so-messy with many tears and screams, but enough of me believes in Sunday and that keeps me steady. 🙂
I love the idea of the middle space; I’ll check out that book! Thanks!
Angela says
Dear Mallory,
I pray that God may restore your hearing permanently. And I thank Him for the blessings He has allowed you to share with the world. You are a light in the darkness. Keep shining!
Love,
Angela
Mallory Redmond says
Such kindness, Angela! Thank you, dear one.
Elizabeth says
Cochlear Implants, Mallory? I’m so very sorry, after the joy and wonder of their success, you suffered so much pain. I pray that only one eardrum was ruptured, that the surgeons will be able to construct a replacement membrane, and that the left ear remains strong and healthy. I don’t think God sends us pain, but there again – what do I know of His reasoning.
It appears the C I for your left ear has been disconnected meantime. From your determinedly upbeat column, I imagine you will ponder anew and in greater depth the great hope of Easter while you suffer the silence.
May that silence be brief, your hearing restored, and you spared further pain. Balm in Gilead.
Blessings on you, your husband, and sweet Roger.
Mallory Redmond says
Hi Elizabeth,
Thanks so much for being here–for your kind words and blessings. Despite my hope in Sunday, this season has certainly brought me into the depth of reflection as I wait. Your comment is so encouraging. Thank you!
Kate says
Mallory- what a profound reminder of silence before God shows his plan in our lives. I can’t help but want to reach out to you. I am an ENT doctor, and wanted to help in any way I can. Feel free to message me.
Mallory Redmond says
Oh, Kate. Your offer. You’re amazing. Thank you so much.
(On a less serious note, do you have any pull in renaming some of these diagnoses and procedures? I still stumble through pronouncing those words!!)
Dee Sampson says
Bless you dear Mallory. I have already started praying for you. Your dear post resonated with me this morning. God is a healer. I believe He will do exactly as He said in His Word. Our God will take away all our pain and tears. His timing is perfect. May God’s sweet love and adoration for you, be with you as He tenderly cradles you in His loving arms. Keep believing and trusting in the One who sent His only begotten Son to reconcile us to Him and died for our sins and afflictions.
I know your future will be beyond comparison to anything you have already experienced. You will have another post that will be filled with blessings and thanksgiving. You have sincerely blessed me.
May your heart be merry!
Mallory Redmond says
This is beautiful, Dee. Thank you for being here. You’ve brought me much joy!
Penny says
Mallory,
I’m sorry for your suffering, yet in your silence you choose to inspire, thank-you.
I pray all will be well for you come Sunday.
Have a blessed day,
Penny
Mallory Redmond says
Thank you, Penny! I’ve been wildly blessed by all of these encouraging words.
Letty says
Dearest Mallory, the courage and transparency you I just read, has encouraged me in my struggles of a quiet Saturday.
Your are an encouragement to many, to trust in the Lord with all our heart and mind, no matter the circumstances.
I to cannot wait for that Sunday in your life, which will be soon in Jesus name, when we will read of the victorious testimony of your healing.
God bless you and your husband and of course Roger
Mallory Redmond says
Amen, dear one! I’m so grateful to hear you’ve been encouraged, Letty. I feel the same way as I read all of these generous comments. You bless me (and my husband + sweet Rog!).
Paula says
Malloy, I was diagnosed with otosclerosis in my 20’s as well. I started missing the consonant sounds in conversations and for awhile could “fake it” for awhile by the context of the conversation. I was a Sunday school teacher and children’s choir leader at the time and struggled for understanding the “why?” of this hearing condition. My right ear was operated on in 1995; a stapedectomy was successful. For some strange reason pregnancy seemed to make my left ear worse and after my son was born in 1998, I put off the stapedetomy of the left ear until 2005. I still have a 30-40% loss in both ears but with hearing aids, most people wouldn’t know. I have gone through times of depression about having this condition and when my son still wasn’t talking at 3 years old, I immediately thought it was his ears and all my fault. Thank God his hearing was fine and we still don’t know why he had a speech delay and several years of speech therapy. He’s in college and excelling now, so all that worry wasn’t necessary. Well, I’m now 51 years old and with the new technology, I am wired for sound. Both protheses are still in place after all these years. Being grateful for the hearing I do have and for a very understanding husband and family. Be on guard for attacks from the enemy. He will attack your confidence and faith if he hasn’t already. Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid and do not be discouraged, God is with you every step of the way. I will agree in prayer for your healing, wisdom, and faith in the One who created your ears. Be blessed
Mallory Redmond says
Hi Paula,
I haven’t met anyone else with otosclerosis! Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t have kids (yet), but have often wondered if/how pregnancy would impact my hearing (and if I would pass this down to my kiddos). So grateful to hear that both you and your son are doing well. You are a bearer of hope!
Jill says
My hearing took a huge dip in the early months after beginning chemotherapy drugs. I couldn’t hear the phone, radio, computer and was constantly asking people to repeat what had been said.
Through the miracle of hearing aids I am in relationship with people. Recent illness took 3 antibiotics, 2 broad based, and prednisone. The tinnitus is back. I am waiting for tests about worms/parasites, likely more drugs, and then back to the audiologist.
God loves us with his everlasting love. I believe he cries with us.
You are not alone. Nor am I.
Mallory Redmond says
Amen, Jill. We’re not alone, and I believe sharing our stories of struggle is a powerful tool. Thank you for sharing your experience; it sounds like it has been rich with Fridays and Saturdays. May you continually be comforted by reminders of Sunday.
With you,
Mallory
Stephanie says
Mallory, your words have touched my heart. I am praying that all goes well with your surgeries and that your hearing is fully restored. Your faith is a beautiful thing and Jesus is always with you and will heal you! God bless you always ❤
Mallory Redmond says
Thank you, Stephanie. So grateful.
Barbara Hill says
I too have otoscerosis. I wear a hearing aid in my left ear. Now, my hearing in my right ear is going. I’m going to have to get a hearing aid for my right ear. When the hearing aids stop working, I’m not sure what my options with be. I’m depending on the LORD to guide me. You will be in my prayers. May God bless you and guide you to His will regarding your hearing.
Mallory Redmond says
Oh, Barbara. It can be such a discouraging road. Thanks for sharing a bit of your journey with us. May we not see the day when hearing aids stop working for you. And even if we do, may peace be loud.
Love to you.
Beth Williams says
Mallory,
Praying for healing & complete restoration. This post so resonated with me. I was born with two punctured ear drums. I couldn’t hear for years. Took speech classes to learn to speak properly. They did surgery on left ear with no luck, but the right ear took. They tried the left again and no again. Finally I got my self a hearing aid for that ear and it worked wonders. Years later that ear somehow repaired itself.
God is in the healing business. I know that after silent Saturday will come the thrill of Easter Sunday. Thanks for making me think of life in this way.
(((((Hugs)))))
Mallory Redmond says
WOW! What an awesome story, Beth. God is the ultimate healer, indeed. Thank you for sharing!
Lisa says
Wow!! I must chime in and thank you, Mallory for sharing your struggle. I’ve never “met” anyone else with Otosclerosis and I’ve suffered from it for fifteen years. I never felt at peace about having a Stapedectomy so I’m getting by with the use of hearing aides. Hopefully they will always work. I’m quite thankful for them, however they are extremely expensive and I’ve discovered they become obsolete within about five years. At that point they have to be replaced with new-and-improved-more-expensive-models. My prayers are for all of you that are on the same path, that God will give you grace and peace (the loud kind) with your personal hearing struggles. I am blessed to have you all to pray for as you face your own hearing challenge. It’s nice to know you. We should form a club!! Praise music is a must!! The louder the better 🙂
Mallory Redmond says
Lisa! This is amazing. I, too, hadn’t “met” others with Otosclerosis until reading these comments. It’s a powerful sort of comfort to know there are others who experience something similar to my own struggles. I think this could be one of the best and loudest kinds of clubs!! I love it!
Thanks for sharing your experience. My dad has had a similar experience with obsolete hearing aids. That technology may be in my future–if it is, or if it isn’t, I will continue pursuing the loudest peace 🙂
Sending all my love. So grateful to be “in it” with you.
Jean Lindsay says
Dear mallory, As I read your story I couldn’t help but cry. I slowly have lost my hearing. It started as a child, got punished for not doing things, when I never heard someone tell me. Made fun of all thru childhood in school. And as i age silence is closing in on me. So sorry to hear of your story. Prayers will be with you.
Mallory Redmond says
Thank you for sharing, Jean. I’m so sorry to hear of your hearing problems. It’s scary and painful–AND, we are not beyond God’s healing power. I hope you feel God’s presence in the silence. Peace, friend.
Rebecca L Jones says
Please read where Jesus heals the deaf, He commands, ” Ephphatha “, in Mark 7:34. As a believer, He gives us authority, and I believe the ladies commenting are in agreement. He has already died for healing. I know it’s hard when we are in pain and fear wants to stop our miracles but He is listening, so I say to those with hearing problems today, ” Ephphatha “, be opened in Jesus name. ( Sounds like f – fath – a ) I hope you all are hearing the bird sing soon, believe and recieve, He loves you.
Mallory Redmond says
Amen, Rebecca! Love this!
Sheri says
Thinking, loving and praying for you dear friend…. miss you so much!!!
Mallory Redmond says
Love you, Shers.
Dianna says
I too have dealt with Otosclerosis. I am almost 58 years old. I was diagnosed at 18, had my first prosthesis. Getting my hearing back in my left ear was so strange, I had gotten used to very little sound on that side of my body. But for me, it was a miracle as I was also a singer. Years later, in my late thirty’s, I again had to have this surgery in my right ear. It took three surgeries to get that one right. While it restored some of my hearing, it was also frustrating as I had more ringing and the sound of the tires on the pavement in the car made it impossible to hear conversation. Gradually I became profoundly deaf and finally two years ago I consented to get my first hearing aids, a blessing for my husband as sometimes the television would have to be on 90 just to understand what was being said. I’m still a singer, and enjoy being an altogether in our church choir as well as years singing in a professional gospel quartet. I tell my husband every day how blessed he is to have such excellent hearing. I will never take for granted the hearing that I presently have, even though I know that eventually I will most likely need cochlear implants, but for now I’ll celebrate that God has gifted me with a technology miracle, and cross the other bridge to deafness when it is God’s will. Blessings to you, I will pray that your hearing can be restored. I’ve been in your shoes, and it’s not any fun. God bless.
Dianna
Mallory Redmond says
Hi Dianna!
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve been on quite the journey; I’m so glad to hear you have found something that works for you and allows you to hear and sing! The future may hold something different, but it is good to celebrate in what you have today! Thank you for the encouragement!
Christy Doucette says
Yes yes yes… just now reading this and it all feels so appropriate. You have such a delicate and beautiful way of connecting real, raw, day to day experiences with Spirit and meaning and Truth. Big love sister.
Mallory Redmond says
Big love back at you, sister. xo