Female friendships can be hard.
Can I get an Amen?
Nowhere other than in a group of women can you feel so insignificant, chubby, unstylish, judged, and out-of-the-loop.
I’ve recently learned, though, how beautiful and powerful a group of women really can be.
A few years ago, my family moved to Washington, D.C. for my husband’s job. It seemed absurd for me, the country girl who prefers the smell of cow manure to perfume and would rather wear rubber boots than heels, to be living in the chaos known as Northern Virginia. A fish out of water, if ever there was one. We moved into a neighborhood that had clearly not gotten the memo that neighbors were supposed to be strangers.
Neighborhood parties were a regular occurrence, with music blaring, kids running around squealing, and tables loaded down with food. Sometimes the women of our neighborhood got together to make mason jar salads. Other times, we would sit on each others’ porches and share a glass of wine or a bowl of leftover mac and cheese and talk gardening and potty training and jobs. We watched each others’ kids when a sibling was sick or daddy was gone on a trip and mama just needed some help. We helped put away the scooter while the other mom carted in her tantrum-throwing preschooler. We left chocolate in mailboxes.
Slowly, I began to understand what female friendships could be.
It wasn’t that we were all so very alike. Our ages spanned a thirty-year range. Some worked full time. Some stayed at home. Our religious beliefs were different. We voted differently. We fed our families differently. Our husbands had different jobs with unique hours and pressures.
But none of that mattered.
The community I found there didn’t just happen by accident or by some magical “friendship fairy dust” sprinkled over our neighborhood. As I thought about why this group of women was so different from anything else I’d experienced, I came to the conclusion that it really boiled down to one thing.
As I was reading Ann Voskamp’s book The Broken Way, one sentence in particular struck me and immediately made me think of the women in my neighborhood. She writes that a “willingness to be inconvenienced is the ultimate proof of love.”
There it was: a willingness to be inconvenienced.
Friendship is not built upon similarities of age or personality or career. It is built on a willingness to be inconvenienced, broken open for someone, and poured out even when you just don’t feel like it.
Friendship is saying to another human being, “I will go out of my way to see that you know love and that you are cared for. I will be inconvenienced for you. I will let you interrupt my plans and my comfort. I will give whether it was on my schedule or not.”
These beautiful women did just that.
One May morning a stomach virus ripped through our house with a fury. My husband had to rush to the ER with our sick oldest boy. I was eight months pregnant, at home alone with the two year old, and so sick I couldn’t move. My little boy was wandering the house crying, hungry, and wearing a dirty diaper. But I couldn’t move to get him without throwing up. We had no family nearby.
I texted my neighbor and asked her if she would come help me.
Miraculously, she did.
She came and turned on a movie for my little guy and fed him apples and crackers. She brought me a glass of water and a trash can. Only later did I find out from her husband that she had an important event the coming weekend that she would have had to miss had she caught our miserable virus. She never mentioned it.
Women who are willing to be inconvenienced for each other are a friendship force unlike any other. Instead of comparison and gossip, I found warmth and grace. I’m grateful to have been given the chance to learn from these astonishingly beautiful women.
Leave a Comment
Michele Morin says
Your description of that wonderful my-life-for-yours community sounds exactly like what the church is called to be for each other.
Kristen Sosebee says
So true, Michele!
Terrie says
Yes….this is true! I do find it wonderful though that a neighborhood/community can reflect this Love thy neighbor” principle also!
Lisa says
Thank you for the encouraging story, Kristen. You have been blessed and that warmth and grace shines through your writing. May we all experience such blessing as we reflect upon the love of the LORD.
Proverbs 27:10 ~ Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family, and do not go to your relative’s house when disaster strikes you– better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away.
Kristen Sosebee says
Thank you, Lisa!
Tristi says
The way you described yourself as a country girl who prefers the smell of cow manure to perfume grabbed my attention because that is one of my favorite smells (memory trigger)! This is a beautiful article reminding us of what true friendship looks like. Thank you!
Kristen Sosebee says
Thanks, Tristi! Glad to know I’m not alone in my love of the smells of the country!! Nothing better.
Kay Lake says
Wow, Kristen, that is the kind of friend that I want to be! Friendship in the trenches, with viruses, sorrows, dirty diapers, and MORE! I mean yes, really! Thank you for writing this.
Tristi, the odor of cow manure reminds me of my Uncle Jake’s (20+ years older than my father) dairy farm. Those are happy memories and I still have a good relationship with his daughter who is 20+years older than me!
Blessings to all my sisters at a distance,
~Kay Lake
Jasmine Ruigrok says
Wow, preach. I actually thought I was the only one who thought female friendships were tough, and there was just something different/weird about me. Who knew? We’re always less alone than we think we are.
I love this so much; the willingness to be inconvenienced, in a way, choosing to suffer in order that another’s suffering might be alleviated… that is the only way to true friendship. Otherwise we are simply saying that our lives and tasks are more important than someone’s existence. Thankyou for this reminder.
And can we just say how good Ann Voskamp’s “The Broken Way” is? Seriously, every page of that book wrecks me in some manner.
Kristen Sosebee says
“Otherwise we are simply saying that our lives and tasks are more important than someone’s existence.” Exactly! Wise words. <3
Nancy Gladwin says
You are so right! When I think about the friendships that have endured the test of time, it’s these women who would drop anything for me. Thank you for sharing from your heart!
Kristen Sosebee says
Thank you, Nancy!
Hope says
Love reading this and about healthy relationships without boundaries and rules. It seems any difference of opinion or viewpoint destroys so many friendships. Wonderful piece!
Kristen Sosebee says
Thank you, Hope!
Jeanne Takenaka says
Kristen, what a beautiful post. I hadn’t thought about true friendship in terms of the inconvenience that can come. But you’re so right. When we love others, we are going to be inconvenienced. And in friendship, we can definitely see this. I have a group of friends from church. I call them my “go through life” friends. We celebrate each other, pray for each other, help each other when there’s a surgery or other thing. I’m learning how to be a true friend as I do life with these ladies. You are blessed to live in a neighborhood like the one you described in your post!
Kristen Sosebee says
I love the term “go through life” friends! Those type of friendships are precious.
K Ann Guinn says
Beautiful and true.
Kristen Sosebee says
Thank you! No higher compliment possible.
Serena says
Thank you very much for such a beautiful and positive sharing about community. It’s certainly astonishing to experience such a kindred community. It’s good to be able to connect in such a giving way that for once one doesn’t have to live up to somebody’s expectation. I’d been through so much negative of community that your sharing is like Isaiah 43:18-19. Thank you!
Kristen Sosebee says
Thank you, Serena! Maybe God plans to use you to start a new community of giving, different from the ones of the past! It always starts with one person’s “givenness.” Thank you for your kind words!
Nancy Ruegg says
An inspiring post, Kristin. That community of women is a little taste of heaven! And the neighbor who came over when you were so sick? Wow. What a stellar example of sacrificial love. Lord, help me to be as kind, gracious, and generous as that woman!
Kristen Sosebee says
Thank you, Nancy! And you’re right, she truly is remarkable.
Rebecca L Jones says
Wow, this is certainly going the extra mile that Jesus talked about.
Kristen Sosebee says
Yes it is!
Beth Williams says
Kristen,
Encouraging post. I feel a good friendship is built on loving & caring for each other. If that means a little inconvenience then so be it! We need to “un-fine” ourselves and remove the masks. When someone new moves into the neighborhood our little church will put together a welcome basket with a bulletin inviting them to church. It is our way of showing God’s love. I wish more people would inconvenience themselves-they just might find good friendships!
Blessings 🙂
Kristen Sosebee says
Thank you! Blessings!
Robyn says
Can you say a prayer that I will find that? Me and my husband are 27 and 30 and all are former friends still drink and party and don’t go to church and every church we have visited (5 for a month each the past half year in order to find the one we felt called to be at) we still havnt met a single couple our age or even older that has asked for our number or seemed interested in talking to us besides the hi how are ya usual at church. I crave the friendships I just read about from you for me and my husband so please say a prayer for Gods will in that area for us?
Kristen Sosebee says
Of course! We have moved 5 times in the past 7 years, and I know how hard those transitions are. We’re in the middle of starting new relationships again after moving away from this neighborhood. It takes time and hard work and courage! I find a lot of the time I have to step out and initiate getting contact info and hosting things to get the ball rolling. Most people hunger for community but are just afraid to take that first step. Praying for you this morning, Robyn.
Molly says
Hi Robyn, I just prayed for you
I pray you find yourself surrounded by like minded people that choose to serve the Lord and do his will through you and your family. Faith is strong in you. You will find your way among others like yourself in choosing love. Friendships are wonderful. Age has little to no factor. Be blessed my Sister ✌
~ Molly
Di says
I’ve been reflecting on friendships, too, after a move two years ago. It takes a while to settle in and cultivate connections in our new places, yet SO important to maintain our deeply rooted relationships. God provides a beautiful mix of annual & perennial friendships in a lifetime. http://ordinarythreads.com/now-and-later/
Kristen Sosebee says
Yes! “Annual and perennnial relationships” is a great phrase and so true! We’ve moved around a lot and I find that’s very true.