I stood in the school supply aisle, my head spinning. It was our third trip here and I couldn’t remember whether she needed the spiral notebook with the folders or a spiral notebook plus a separate folder. The list was so specific, and I had left it at home. Again.
I hated the busy, picked-over shopping experience. I hated coming back for a third time. I hated that I hadn’t finished this task.
Somehow the person who loved new pencils and crayons and folders had become overwhelmed with specifics and guidelines and shopping. Fall was pummeling me, and it wasn’t even officially fall.
I wanted so much to be ready. To have everything in order for each of my kids, for my house, for my life. It was all supposed to be tied in a neat bow so I could post my perfect apple picking photos and enjoy my pumpkin latte.
I was not supposed to be melting down in the school supply aisle. I was supposed to be enjoying the start of fall. The change of seasons. The change of mindset.
But I was stuck. I finally picked up a notebook with folders and one without plus a folder on the side figuring it would all get used eventually. I checked out and made it to the car. The kids knew I was upset, but none of us really knew why. It was only a notebook.
No one understood how much I needed that notebook. Not just any notebook, but the right notebook. I was supposed to have it right.
And that’s when I realized the trap I’d stepped into. The trap I was leading my kids into. It was one hidden under good intention and rule following. I’d fallen into the trap of expectation.
Each new season brings change, and somehow a list of unspoken supposed to’s that I had subscribed to. I’d probably even made a few up.
I’m supposed to have it all together.
I’m supposed to have a clean house with laundry put away and shoes neatly lined up in the mudroom I don’t have.
I’m supposed to decorate in warm autumn colors and have an apple-scented candle burning.
I’m supposed to have all the school supplies. Every single one.
I’m supposed to transition from summer clothes to fall boots without missing a step.
I’m supposed to know how to get it all done and still smile.
My list felt endless. Yet, for some reason, I felt the need to keep adding to it. To put more expectation on myself, more pressure to be the reflection I thought everyone was looking for.
It wasn’t until I stopped, still sitting in my car, notebooks in hand, that I realized I’d made it all up. No one put those expectations on me other than me.
I was spending all my time scanning what I saw around me to create a checklist of perfection that I was ignoring the only things that really mattered.
My kids don’t need a mom who has every piece of laundry done, they need one who goes to Jesus.
I don’t need to have the perfect fall outfit to be beautiful; I already am.
My family doesn’t need a mom who always smiles fake, but one who feels real and smiles big because she means it.
All of my supposed to’s were wrapped up in the desire to be known and loved. I had become like a dog chasing its own tail, never realizing I already have what I’m longing for.
As the seasons change, it’s easy to add to our list of things we think we need to do to be better. And the reality is there are things we need to do like laundry and even picking up school supplies. But they are no more than tasks. There is no task that can change God’s love for you.
You are fully known and fully loved right where you are.
Even if you buy the wrong notebook.
Leave a Comment
Suse says
Just perfection. I need to soak in these wise words, thank you.
Becky Hastings says
Praying they reach deep in your heart today Suse!
Michele Morin says
I’m teaching through Romans 8 with a group of women in my church, and so it makes sense that I would have spent the past week studying “There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,” while at the same time (because isn’t it always this way when we teach?) fighting self-condemnation on every front. Thanks for adding your voice to the truth I need to hear and absorb and live.
Teresa Looney says
Thank you! Very well expressed! God is in all the moments of our lives. We need only to trust and follow. Blessings♰
Becky Hastings says
Amen! He is in all the moments, full of love and grace, Teresa!
Becky Hastings says
I hope the truth of God’s love reaches deep for you as you teach Michele!
Anastasia Corbin says
Thank you for this post! I also put expectations on myself that I don’t need to. Thank you for the reminder that I am loved and fully known right where I am.
Becky Hastings says
It can be so hard sometimes, can’t it Anastasia? Standing in faith with you as we learn to believe God’s truth for our lives!
Angela says
Thank you for sharing your heart; it was exactly what I needed to read this morning as I struggle with too many expectations myself. It’s often with great intentions, as you mentioned, but sometimes debilitating. It’s freeing to be reminded that we are fully known and loved right where we are.
Becky Hastings says
Isn’t it freeing?! Praying that the truth of God’s love for you reaches deep and gentle today, full of grace!
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Becky,
God doesn’t set expectations (especially high ones); we impose those on ourselves. God doesn’t get disappointed; we become disappointed with ourselves. God doesn’t expect perfection; we are the ones who strive for perfection. God doesn’t compare His children; we compare ourselves to others. God doesn’t need us to earn His approval; we already have it. He sees us as absolutely perfect and holy through the blood of His Son. While we were STILL sinners, He loved us enough to give us the gift of His Son. We are the ones who impose all these unhealthy expectations on ourselves. God’s already found what HE’S looking for – us. Like you beautifully pointed out….we already have all that we need and are looking for….HIM. Amen!
Blessings,
Bev xx
ps. If it helps….my box of fall decorations is still in the attic and I just recently took down my summer flip flops garden flag lol.
Becky Hastings says
Yes, yes, yes! Amen Bev! Your wisdom is so encouraging and grace filled! Thank you for sharing! xo
Kelly R Smith says
I keep looking at my mantel thinking, “I should bring out the box with leaves and pumpkin things.” I chose myself for not surrounding my family with the sights and scents of the season. In reality, my kids would rather have me beside them reading a book or outside pushing a swing. Being present trumps being my idea of “perfect” every time. Thanks for this one!
Kelly R Smith says
*chide not chose. The irony of imperfection in my comment about perfection! Haha!
Becky Hastings says
Yes! Exactly! Isn’t it amazing how easy it is to get wrapped up in the Pinterest trap, thinking that’s the lens God views us through? His only lens for us is grace! (see Bev’s comment above!) Go read and swing with your kids. Grab a pumpkin and call it a day friend.
xo
P.S. I LOVE the irony by the way!
Brenda says
Becky! 😀 Fun to see your face here. Beautiful writing, friend. I’ve been in that trap altogether too often myself. I’m finally learning that rest is key for me. Abiding rest. In His presence. When my mind isn’t chaotic, I’m able to better parse the truth from the lies. Loved this, thanks for sharing. ♥
Darlene says
Loved your post, thank you for sharing your heart! I think we all put false expectations on ourselves on what we think we should be. Something I am slowly learning with Gods grace. Blessings!
Becky Hastings says
Thank you Darlene. Knowing we are not alone helps so much. And spreading God’s grace all around is a gift! Praying the truth soaks deep in your heart today!
Becky Hastings says
You are so right Brenda! Rest in Him is key. It’s the only place we find the truth and give it time to soak in to our souls. Thank you for reminding us today! And it’s so good to see you here today 🙂
Sharon A says
Thanks for a reminder we all need from time to time.
Becky Hastings says
So very glad you’re here Sharon 🙂
Michelle says
We just moved in September into our own home. Our very first one in 11 years of marriage! It is exciting and exhausting all at once. God is deconstructing my perfectionism mind set. Truthfully, it has never served me well. haha I have 5 children that I homeschool, plus running our household, and in trying to “perfect” everything around me, I have ended up feeling defeated and like a failure at the end of every day. The story is SO much deeper than that, but I don’t have the time to write a small novel and fill y’all in. 😉 Suffice it to say that this blessed me today and that it affirmed what God has been working out in me for the last few years. (Yes… years…. and possibly the remainder of my days here on earth…being a work in progress and all.. ;))
Becky Hastings says
Oh, Michelle, the best lessons do take years. And I am a work in progress right along side you. 🙂 I love how you describe God deconstructing your perfectionism mindset. It’s the perfect word. Sometimes it feels slow and hard, but He’s there, full of grace friend. Know you are not alone and we can all walk this path in grace together!
Diana says
I have a sign in my home that I had made ” Welcome to Imperfection” that I love! In our home we may have 20 high school teens in and out daily. I always want me home and those who come here to know that they are always welcome here just as they are and they get us just as we are too. It’s not always pretty but its real right? Last year I had a young man tell me that he loved coming over because our home was one of grace and acceptance. How awesome is that? I was so touched and am in awe everyday that God would place us here to love on these kids right where we are and swinging the doors open no matter what. This year our desire is to live intentionally with God as Captain of our lives and to be open to God’s plan by simply saying “yes”. I’ve learned that true joy comes from being present and just showing up, a lot of times in my own home where I work too. One thing I’ve learned is that kids don’t care if you’re sporting a messy bun 6 days a week and or have 3 piles of clean (or dirty) clothes that need to be put away or cleaned. They won’t remember that as much as they will remember that we loved them as we feed them, listen to them, and just do life with them. God is so good! Thank you for the reminder today and sharing your wisdom. Sending you love and hugs from Hurst, TX, Diana
Becky Hastings says
Yes, yes, yes! I love this Donna! And that sign is amazing! Keep doing good work for the kingdom friend! xo
BB says
Great post today!
Thankfully perfection isn’t really something we Can master.
We must choose to give grace daily, first to ourselves and next to others! Just a thought…
“I think that miss matched socks
Are a reminder that no one has it all together after all!” BB
A True story….”My sisters husband (when he was a bachelor and working as an engineer) never even washed his socks!
He just bought new ones every week with his pay check!!
He didn’t have much furniture in his apartment… But felt this extra expense gave him freedom of “less stress and more time” in the morning. No more mismatched socks! More time…less stress!
Kind of silly 😉 but logical as well.
How many of us would admit, grabbing “mismatched socks” and running to carpool the kids to school! Thankfully the Lord accepts us where we are, and we need to lighten up a bit!
I will forward this in-courage to a few friends today! Great words!
Thanks
BB
Becky Hastings says
So grateful for your kind, inspiring words BB! Knowing that we need to walk in grace and we can lighten up about it all is such a gift! So glad you’re here!
Jen says
Thanks for the reminder Becky , so true his love is never failing and he loves us as the perfect imperfect women we are . I think we all tend to put such high expectations for us Moms , even though deep down inside we know the truth. Great reminder and all of you with younger kids in school , know this season is busy but you don’t have to do it all !
Becky Hastings says
Isn’t it funny how we can know truth, but our actions have a mind of their own? Praying we all learn to walk in that grace more everyday! Great advice for the mamas today Jen!
Renie says
Fully known and fully loved…..thanks for the reminder
Becky Hastings says
Yes! Walk in that truth today!
Faith Douglas says
As women that is such a easy trap for us to fall in.
Becky Hastings says
It sure is. Knowing we are not alone and that God’s truth can set us free is such a blessing! Praying that you understand how deep and fully His love is for you today!
Irene says
Thank you for the encouragement today!
Blessings ☺
Becky Hastings says
Thanks Irene! I’m so glad you’re here 🙂
Terri says
Oh for a spirit that is not bent and molded by a Pinterest-peppered, social media-laden, glossy pictures-sodden frontline of warfare that distracts and misshapes our attention and perceptions! We (and by that, I mean I) so often miss God’s holy purpose for us in our days, our relationships, and our choices, because we remain vulnerable to worldy influences. Sometimes the war right outside our door is not guns and mortar.
Thank you for the reminder and encouragement. May you be blessed with strength to put down the list at every turn.
From another destructive List-maker.
Becky Hastings says
I’m so glad I’m not alone Terri! Thank you for sharing so well. We do forget that there is an unseen battle, but knowing that it is already won is such a blessing. Walking fully in grace together friend!
Kelly Gadberry says
Love your wisdom. I really needed to hear this! Keep sharing your thoughts! Thank you.
Becky Hastings says
Thank you Kelly! Praying it soaks deep into the core of your heart today!
Rachel Q says
Great to see your words here, Becky! Congratulations! And I loved the last line….”Even if you do get the wrong notebook!” Love it!
Becky Hastings says
Thanks Rachel! I’m so glad you’re here! 🙂
Lori says
Boy did I need this this morning!! Thank you, Becky! The expectations we put on ourselves are so exhausting and can be all consuming if we don’t get this reality: ” you are fully known and fully loved right where you are!” I will mull over these words of wisdom today and try to remember that the to do’s are just tasks,nothing more. Bless you!
Becky Hastings says
I’m so grateful these words touched your heart today! Praying God’s truth sinks deep to your core! So grateful that you are here, fully known and fully loved!
Kim B Smith says
Love that we don’t need to be perfect and “shoulding” all over ourselves. We pile on more and more and then go into the nasty four letter word….BUSY for anything and nothing.
Who cares if we get the wrong notebook or not! We stay clear on our path to God.
Becky Hastings says
Sometimes it’s so simple and so hard all at once! Staying on that path to God is all that matters, and trusting His grace for each step makes all the difference!
Kim B Smith says
Yes indeed!
Esther | Chosen & Cherished says
What a blessing to read your goodness on Incourage, Becky! Oh, how many times I’ve gotten the “wrong notebook” knocked to the ground by the unmet expectation. All the while, the only expectation I need is to do what God has called me to do and to do it to the glory of Him. We all need to pick up the wrong notebook!
Becky Hastings says
Yes! I love how you describe the only expectation that matters. And even when we fall short, when we pick up the wrong notebook, His grace is always enough!
Penny says
Becky,
Your post was so refreshing, thank-you. This past weekend we hosted our Canadian Thanksgiving in our home. I thought I’d prepare early. Everything was going along smoothly until it wasn’t. I knocked the bowl of freshly made stuffing all over the floor, then it turned out I put the Turkey in upside down, and then I didn’t grind up the cloves finely enough for the pumpkin pie. But no one complained, and were extremely kind. My youngest son said to me,”I’m thankful for your mistakes because then I get to make you feel better.” So despite my imperfections I felt so blessed, and thankful for the time we all shared together.
Have a blessed day all,
Penny
Becky Hastings says
Awwwww! First of all, that boy is a gem! What a treasure to have that moment with him. How beautiful that you can see past the bumps in the road to the beauty right in front of you! Such a beautiful example of embracing what matters!
Thank you for sharing, and happy thanksgiving.
xo
Becky
P.S. I would have eaten the stuffing off the floor with you 😉
Yvonne says
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. So many of us fall into that same trap. I tend to seek peoples approval when in reality they will like me as I am at that very moment. Thank you for the reminder that my Heavenly Father loves me right where I am at the moment. I don’t need to seek His approval or for His love because I already have it. Thank you so much. I appreciate you being sincere and speaking from the heart.
Becky Hastings says
Amen and amen! I can feel the truth soaking deep into your core Yvonne! So grateful you’re here. Hold that truth deep today and keep coming back to it!
Rebecca L Jones says
You can’t smile when you are to tired too, and no one likes phony or feeling like one, but Jesus exceeded every expectation, really He way overpaid for us.
Becky Hastings says
LOL. You’ve got that right Rebecca!
Houston says
Oh Mama, I needed to read this today! Thank you for the reminder, thank you for the honesty, thank your for the real truth that you shared
…
“My kids don’t need a mom who has every piece of laundry done, they need one who goes to Jesus.
I don’t need to have the perfect fall outfit to be beautiful; I already am.
My family doesn’t need a mom who always smiles fake, but one who feels real and smiles big because she means it.”
Becky Hastings says
I’m so glad you’re here today! Know that you are fully known and loved with a sisterhood of women right beside you!
Cindy says
Did you know that even when you hit retirement age that you can still put unnecessary expectations on yourself? I was hoping to be laid back and at ease but it seems not. Thanks for reminding me that I don’t have to do this by myself, that I don’t need to have high expectations.
Stopped by from Coffee for your Heart.
Becky Hastings says
I’m so glad you’re here Cindy! And you are so right, these expectations we put on ourselves don’t go away after a certain stage is over. God is always working on us to live more in freedom of being fully known and fully loved!
Pearl Allard says
Becky, I let out a deep breath I didn’t even realize I was holding when I read these words, “It wasn’t until I stopped, still sitting in my car, notebooks in hand, that I realized I’d made it all up. No one put those expectations on me other than me.” I need that reminder SO often. These words were like a friend handing me a cup of tea and inviting me to just rest. Thank. You.
Becky Hastings says
Oh, Pearl. I’m sitting right there with you. And I wish we could have a cup of tea and exhale these expectations and inhale grace together. You don’t happen to live in New England do you? 😉 Wishing you full exhale and grace upon grace!
Pearl Allard says
Becky, you are such a gift! I’m in the Midwest raising my teacup to what you said. Exhale expectations, inhale grace might need to become my new life motto! Hugs!
Beth Williams says
Becky,
We need to stop the comparison trap. Who cares if you don’t have the right decorations up or all the laundry done. It only matters that we know God loves us unconditionally. Change can be hard, but why put extra stress on yourself by saying I must have it all together. Truth is: we don’t need to have it all together. Our friends & family need us to be ourselves. A person wholly loved by God.
Blessings 🙂
Becky Hastings says
Amen, amen, amen! You are absolutely right Beth! Keep sharing truth!
Rachel says
It’s great to be reminded that God is not the one placing extra burdens on my shoulders – I do that all on my own! Thank you for your encouraging words.
Becky Hastings says
Thank you Rachel. I’m so very glad you’re here. Walk in freedom today!
Maylee says
Much needed reminder that we do no need to have it all together. God is in control and yet we are so unwilling to let things go. We talk as if when we don’t let go, someone will step to our house pointing fingers at us for our imperfections. I am guilty of trying to be the perfect wife, mom, daughter, daughter in law, sister and friend. When we see others perfecting what we can’t even do sure makes us want to step our game up. Whatever that means!! If we can have that much competition to living our lives according to God’s word, think of how awesome this world would be!!! Let’s just love one another for whom we are, imperfections and all and walk out this life together. My motto is, leave a little kindness everywhere you go, it doesn’t cost a thing.
Becky Hastings says
You are so right Maylee! And I love your motto!
Meghan says
Wow Becky, this is right up my alley. I make things up in my head and declare them true too many times. And it is usually the minute things that become the cherry on top, which also serve as a wake up call lol! This is wonderful, thank you for sharing your experience and heart.