I have lived in the same small town my whole life. I married my high school sweetheart, and we are raising two kids on a cul-de-sac just a few blocks from where we both grew up. I can’t go anywhere without running into someone I know.
When I see one of these many acquaintances, such as my son’s Pre-K teacher or the mother of my childhood best friend, shopping at the grocery store or getting a color at the hair salon, our interaction seems to always be the same.
“How are you?” one of us will ask.
“Fine, how about you?” offers the other.
“Fine, thank you,” answers the first.
It’s a socially negotiated series of phrases uttered thousands of times in towns all across this country.
Until one day, in my small town in Southeast Texas, no one answered “fine.”
Saying anyone was fine that day would have been a lie so blatant that even the most genteel Southerner couldn’t utter it. Hurricane Harvey had just invaded our quiet town turning our curb and gutter streets into raging rivers and our homes into floating debris. Boats used for bass fishing became rescue vessels for families stranded on their roofs. The local mall where kids begged for cookies and preteens gathered to meet their friends became a staging area for the military to treat the wounded. Churches where members came in their Sunday best became shelters for men, women, and children soaked by sewage-laden floodwaters.
That day and in the days following, when someone asked you how you were, it was okay to tell them the truth.
It was okay to say you needed help pulling out soggy carpet or knocking down wet sheetrock in the place you called home. It was okay to cry in front of your neighbors as you watched treasured keepsakes piled like garbage in front of your house. It was okay to admit you were worried or sad or hungry.
There were no grocery stores open. If you needed a cup of milk, your neighbor was your only option. The older woman who lives next door brought me an egg. I thanked her and when I asked her how she was, she cried a little. She missed her husband of 46 years who had died the month before.
My husband and I watched my neighbor across the street attempt to start his car. It was obvious by the muffled sound from the engine that the compact SUV had become a victim of the storm. We offered him our vehicle. He had no choice but to borrow it. When he brought it back, we asked if his family wanted to stay for dinner. My house wasn’t clean. There were no scented candles craftily lit to welcome our guests. We ate on paper plates, and I had nothing to offer them for dessert. But when we asked how they were, his wife answered honestly. She was worried about her grandmother who had been evacuated in the middle of the night from a local nursing home and no one was quite sure where she had been brought.
As terrible as the disaster was, it brought out something new in our town – honesty.
As grocery stores are restocked and homes are rebuilt, I pray we will never again be too afraid to ask for help or too ashamed to shed a tear. I pray that when someone asks how we are, it will always be okay to tell the truth; because the day that no one answered “fine” was the day we became more than a small town, we became a community.
Leave a Comment
Michele Morin says
Oh, Alison, thank you for finding the important truth in this tragic story and then sharing it so courageously. May God strengthen and enable you as you pour yourself out there in your hometown, and may you find that this season of “not-fine” paves the way for transparency and openness to the Gospel going forward.
Alison Howell says
You are so right, Michele. In the midst of the storm, His love is stronger still. As we recover, we see evidence of that everyday. God intended this difficult situation for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives, just as He promised in Genesis 50:20. Thank you for your prayers!
Jas says
I cannot fathom what you have gone through, your family, your neighbors or your town. I pray to sweet Jesus to continually be with you all to give you strength and all that you need going forward. To find the positive in such crazy circumstances and to share it here with us, thank you xx
Alison Howell says
Jas, it’s amazing how God’s grace is always sufficient to accomplish all that He calls you to. Thank you for your prayers. I’m praising God with you for a God who is faithful!
Allisen says
Yes! And it was okay to be in ratty clothes and have no make up on our faces as we stood in lines and struck conversations with total strangers perfectly unashamed of ourselves to be “au natural.” I hope we never revert back to that old plastic, shallow existence.
Alison Howell says
Amen, sister! 🙂
Sandra says
Thank you, Alison! Praising God for you and praising Him for leading you to share your heart in this way. We as Christians, especially, are so prone to not being open with each other about our not-fine moments in our lives. I think we are so afraid of revealing that our lives aren’t perfect when everyone else around us seems to be living perfect lives because we don’t want to be judged as being less than they are. But when tragedy strikes suddenly no one has a “perfect” life, so it’s okay to admit it. Sometimes, too, we aren’t sure of the sincerity of the question. Does this person really want to know how I am doing, or is she asking just because it’s a social norm? But as you say, when the disasters and storms hit, it’s okay to tell the truth. This is so poignant for me right now because my mom went to be with the Lord two days ago. People ask me how I am, and I know they sincerely want to know. So I tell the truth: I’m praising God for allowing me to have such an amazing mom, and I am looking forward to seeing her in glory one day…but I miss her so much already!
I know that ache of missing her will ebb and flow in the coming months and years as it did almost 11 years ago when my dad went to be with the Lord. And I’m so glad it’ll be okay to say I’m not fine when someone asks! Thank you for listening to the Lord’s voice when you wrote this! Father knew I needed this today, and not just me, but all of us…because if we would just admit it, there are truly very few days when we really ARE fine.
Alison Howell says
Sandra,
Thank you for being so brave to share your heart, too. I just got chills reading your thoughts because two days ago my father-in-law unexpectedly went to be with the Lord, as well. I signed the agreement for this post three weeks ago. Little did I know then that God had chosen it for publication on another day in the life of my family when honesty and community would play a crucial role. This morning I was once again reminded that God never asked us to pretend everything is okay, He just asks us to trust it will be. I just lifted you up in prayer, praising God with you that God knows our every need and wipes our every tear.
“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Sandra says
Oh, Alison, my prayers are with you! You are so right that Father doesn’t want us to pretend everything is okay. He wants us to spur one another on, to encourage one another! How can we do that without sharing how He has brought us through our trials and how He is with us in just the everyday grunge of living? I believe that old liar and deceiver, Satan, loves to see us hide all of the grunge in our lives as we whitewash our outsides just as the Pharisees did! Inside we are desperately needing to have someone know what our lives are like, but we aren’t willing to be the first to start scraping off the whitewash. That’s one reason I praise Father for (in)courage. This is a place we can be open and honest which helps us clean out the sludge that grows in the bottom of our hearts!
Alison Howell says
Yes, praise God for transparency and community and for a place like (in)courage where we can find them both. 🙂
Beth Williams says
Alison,
Praying for you & your family. May God bring peace & comfort to your hurting souls. May you feel Him wrapping His arms around you & giving you hugs. Don’t pretend to be OK.
(((((Hugs))))) from Watauga, TN
Nancy says
Thank you, Alison, for your heart felt reminder that being part of God’s family and our local community gives us the opportunity to be honest with one another and share our needs, and our hurts, and then also gives us the blessing of being able to respond with grace and love to those around us who are not “fine”.
Sandra, I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy losing a parent no matter how many years you were able to share with them. Thankfully, memories have a way of keeping them close at heart. I am praying for you, as you gather together to celebrate your mother’s life.
Blessed be her memory. XOXO
Sandra says
Thank you so much, Nancy! Praising God for you today!
Alison Howell says
Nancy, I love how you point out that God turns our needs and our hurts into blessings every single time! Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
Darlene says
Thank you for your beautiful post and allowing Him to speak through you this morning. Very well said, it is ok not be fine and that we can be real with others in saying it. I think if we’re honest it opens doors for opportunities to really share our hearts with others. Many blessings to you today!
Alison Howell says
Thank you Darlene. Blessings to you too!
Kim says
Thank you for this. We’re in Houston with our first floor torn out from Mr. Harvey and living upstairs. Your words could not have been more true, even in Houston proper. Our circle of neighborhoods had the flooded and the not flooded but everyone definitely came together. Thank you for putting words to some
of what created that phenomenon.
Alison Howell says
It does sound like your neighborhood looks much like mine. As our houses get back to normal, I hope there is a part of us that doesn’t. Thanks for sharing!
Houston says
Alison, this was beautiful, it is so true that relationships are grown and hearts are strengthened when we stop answering “fine”. I pray that as you recovery from Harvey your town, neighborhood and family will grow stronger and may His glory be seen through all the debris.
Alison Howell says
Thank you! His glory certainly does shine bright in dark times.
K Ann Guinn says
I honestly have a bit of a difficult time always answering, “fine”, as I tend to lean towards being quite honest and open (sometimes to a fault). Of course there are times when this is not appropriate, but it’s true that if everyone was more honest we would have closer relationships and more opportunities to share God’s love with one another.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Alison Howell says
So true K Ann, honesty does create intimacy in relationships and opportunities to share Christ, and that is always a good thing.
Jen says
Allison,
Great perspective!
My family and I also dealt or dealing with Harvey! You are so right , it seemed as so many were brought closer through this disaster! Like yourself , I tried offering what I could even if it was sandwiches or hotdogs and chips to other area folks working nonstop in their homes .
My daughter lost her home , but we are just thankful all are safe and we have one home to stay in.
Sending hugs and blessings to you and your family ..,
Alison Howell says
I know you have been a blessing to your neighbors and especially your daughter. It was definitely an experience that changed us, for the better I think.
Anne Clements says
Truth spoken! I saw, felt and tasted the love and compassion of neighbor helping neighbor when I was in Houston with BEGA Rapid Response Chaplains. We even had a precious women whose house was full of black mold pray for us! Asking the Lord to show favor to you in the days ahead as you and your neighborhood rebuild. Praying to return to serve in Houston soon.
Alison Howell says
Thank you so much for serving, Anne! Isn’t it amazing how when we seek to bless others, God often brings blessings our way, too. Those like you who traveled to help others in need have become our neighbors too!
Penny says
Alison,
From across many miles, my heart goes out to all of you. Thank-you for your honesty that you have shared in your post. I have a habit of saying, “I’m fine” without giving it a second thought.I realize it is some what selfish, and I will try to do better. My prayers are with you all….
blessings to you all,
Pennyl
Alison Howell says
I have the same habit, Penny, and I’m trying to do better with you. Blessings to you, too!
Jennifer says
Beautifully said <3
Alison Howell says
Thank you Jennifer
Cynthia McGarity says
A million times “yes” on this post! Thank you, thank you, Alison, for laying bare the struggles in the aftermath of Harvey. We as a nation have been so deep in prayer for you. But thank you, perhaps more importantly, for sharing the honesty of heart that your community has had to acquire out of necessity…yet has brought you closer together. I truly feel we are all stronger for sharing open hearts and allowing others to share theirs. Such grace to find this light in a dark place. Our prayers continue for you and your whole community as you rebuild. So much love sent your way!
Alison Howell says
Thank you Cynthia. We truly have felt the love and prayers for our little corner of the world.
Sarah Beckman says
Allison, Thank you for sharing this! I volunteered in Rockport, TX immediately after the storm for 8 days with an organization called Mercy Chefs. It was humbling, and hard, and beautiful all at the same time. There was a deep sense of community when we all were sharing the same porta potties as the collective group of volunteers and displaced residents gathered for meals and stayed in cars and RVs adjacent to the church where we served. When people who had lost everything came to our trailer to offer and help serve meals I couldn’t even find words…only tears. There were so many selfless people serving, but the resilience and hope of the residents of that small town was evident and such a testament to faith, community and perseverance. I loved this post. thank you for the vulnerability to share.
Alison Howell says
Sarah, God has and continues to reveal Himself in so many ways throughout the aftermath of the storm. The testimony of your experience is a powerful example of that. Thank you for your encouragement and for serving with Mercy Chefs.
Rebecca L Jones says
Such a shame it takes something that bad to bring out the hospitality that used to be the normal. Now people are just fine or never even acknowledge each other..
Alison Howell says
We do quickly forget sometimes, don’t we? Change often begins with one person. I hope I can be that person for my community. Blessings, Rebecca!
Beth Williams says
Alison,
This fast paced world doesn’t allow for much face to face time. It is sad that it takes a huge tragedy to get people to “come out of their shells” & open up about their lives. I’m not a fan of pretending. I will readily tell you how I’m doing. When I ask people, especially those at church, how they are doing I want more than fine. I expect to hear the good, bad & ugly. It allows me to pray for them & to help them out. My prayer is that more & more people would open up about their feelings & lives.
Blessings 🙂
Alison Howell says
What a great ministry you have, Beth, to take the time to not only be honest, but hear honesty in others! Blessings to you, too.