We’d been married 205 days when my body failed my first (un)born. We’d been apart for 148 of those days.
My soldier left in the fall, in the brilliance of the dying leaves. He left, and I was pregnant and blissfully naive in the way you can only be when you have yet to suffer real loss. I said goodbye to my husband at midnight in a nondescript gravel lot, with my head tucked up under his chin, breathing in deep the smell of him, and holding my breath to keep it for a year, or maybe forever, if the worst should indeed come to pass.
It was the Monday before Thanksgiving, the 205th day of our first year together, when I sobbed out my goodbyes to the life I had cherished for a joyful, hasty, twelve weeks. And it was Thanksgiving Day, the 208th day, when my sturdy, handsome soldier strode down the driveway and gathered the broken pieces of me into his arms. Five days we had together, to grieve, to repeat goodbye. Five days of emergency leave for us to calibrate loss, to weep in the night, and to welcome grace as we learned the new, unwelcome lines of our story.
Thanksgiving is a bitter, unwilling sacrifice when measured against what we have and lose. Or what we never receive, and think we deserve. Or even against what others have, versus what we don’t. But, oh the Almighty, the Namer and Counter of Stars, He is good always, and merciful too, in our bitterness and grief. In 2005, and still today.
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24)
His covenant of mercy and grace is as sure as the covenant of day. He is faithful in our loss. He is faithful in our fear. He is faithful in our grief.
Four times my soldier has left us in the fall, surrounded by the dead and dying leaves. Four times I’ve held my breath in fear as he went a half a world away, and it’s easy to be afraid of the death and the dying, to give in to the decay, to feel abandoned. But our story is longer, richer now, overflowing with four small lives, and even more loss. I spent two Thanksgivings of my first girl’s life a continent away, separated by the service I chose to this country. We’ve grieved another child gone in the days before Thanksgiving. We’ve buried friends.
And yet.
I have arrived in a place where I would not know myself, or my life without the loss. The terrible moments change us, they carve into our souls and make new, uncomfortable shapes. I’ll tell you I am at peace with the shape I’m in, but I’m just honest enough to admit that most days, I wouldn’t have chosen His method of carving. I can grieve what could have been while I am grateful for what is. And always with a sacrifice still, of thanksgiving, and of praise.
So while the trees raise a hallelujah chorus high with the fiery gasps of their dying dress – and while my heart is breaking – I can say, “It is well with my soul.”
Your dark days will not mirror mine. Our stories are individual threads of joy and sadness woven into the days of the earth, and I could never imagine all that you may have endured. But the gospel binds a multitude of wounds, and so I can share the gossamer threads of my story with you, certain the master Weaver loves us all.
And on this Thanksgiving Day, and all the others before and after, I will sing a sacrifice of praise and thanks, a bittersweet response to the mercy we’ve been shown. A grief-tinged, grace-laced hallelujah chorus of my own.
Sing with me, won’t you?
Leave a Comment
Michele Morin says
Coming to the end of this post wondering how something so heart-wrenching can also be so beautiful, but you’ve already answered my question with the exquisite truth from Lamentations. It’s all mercy, even when it feels severe in the carving process.
Blessings to you, Molly.
Molly Huggins says
Oh thank you. Blessings to you to …. it is all mercy, isn’t it, and for that I will continue to sing!
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Molly,
Absolutely beautiful in a bittersweet way. I do believe that thankfulness and gratitude can coexist with deep pain. We are to give thanks “IN” all things not “FOR” all things. God is in the business of redeeming and your story is a testimony to how God redeemed your ashes and replaced them with beauty – giving you a joy you might not have, had you not experienced deep loss. I also have to say that I am so indebted to you and the families of our soldiers. I believe YOU are the backbone of this great Nation of ours. You sleep alone, you parent alone, you worry alone about whether your loved one will come back. You hold down the fort and keep the home fires burning – often with great sacrifice that most of us will not truly understand. Your babies are born and they grow up while soldiers are deployed and yet you keep the faith. Thank you, thank you for ALL you do that goes unsung. Thankful for YOU this Thanksgiving….
Thank you so much for sharing your story and testimony to God’s goodness.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Molly Huggins says
Thank you for your kind words and support of my family. “God is in the business of redeeming” YES. All the yes to this. Blessings to you to, Bev, and thank you again.
Laurie B. says
Wow!!! Deep. Breath. Thankful.
Yes and amen. You have a gift for writing. You stir souls and point to Jesus! Thank you ♥️
Molly Huggins says
Thank you Laurie. That’s the goal, always. That I be made low so He is made high. Love to you today.
Beth Williams says
Molly,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service. People always say thanks to the soldier, but what about the families left behind. You do a tremendous job holding down the fort & making a safe haven for them to come home& enjoy. May God continue to bless you.
This thought is profound : We can grieve what could have been while being grateful for what is. I guess I’ve been grieving my past-good & bad. I am thankful for what I have & where I am today. You have a great testimony to the greatness of God. Showing all that gratitude & thanksgiving can coexist with sadness & pain. God tells us to be thankful IN ALL THINGS-no necessarily for all things. I believe everything happens for a reason. God doesn’t have/make mistakes. He allows everything. I will sing a grace filled hallelujah for all the good things God has allowed in my life & all the bad ones He’s kept out.
Blessings 🙂
Molly Huggins says
Beth, I’m so glad this resonated with you today. Praying that your song is sweet today, in His mercy and grace.
Shauna says
Thank you for sharing your story. I am at a loss for words…
Molly Huggins says
Thank you. Praying for the Holy Spirit to move in that space …
Emily Conrad says
What beautiful, wonderful truth. Thank you for sharing this.
Molly Huggins says
Thank you!
Colleen Helms says
Love you Molly. A beautiful heartfelt blessing of thanksgiving. We can all relate in some small way.
Molly Huggins says
Love you too, Aunt C. I’m glad my words resonate with you, now and always.
Lillian says
Amen.
Penny says
Molly,
Heartbreaking, and beautiful, thank-you so much for sharing how you’ve allowed room in your sorrow for thanks.
Be of good comfort
Psalms 106.48
Blessings to you all,
Penny
Penny says
I’m so sorry about my mistake…
Be Of Good Comfort
1 Cor.,
13.11
Penny
Molly Huggins says
Thank you for the encouragement, Penny. And thankful for a space that allows us to comfort each other.
Joan Munro says
I will sing with you Molly! With my own Thanksgiving grief and losses, I will praise His Name, and I will sing of the Mercies of the Lord, forever! “Weeping may last for a night, but joys comes in the morning.”
Bless you for sharing your Hallelujahs!
Molly Huggins says
Bless you for singing along with me!
Kristin Vanderlip says
My story is so very similar to yours. Military life. The loss of a child. Burying a father. All beginning in this season 8 years ago. I’ve learned to lift up a broken hallelujah too. My heart aches and heals with yours. Thanks so much for your beautiful words.
Molly Huggins says
Thank you for your kind words, and for your sacrifice as well. Praying for you in the midst of your broken and beautiful song.
Judy says
I don’t always understand the “carving process” but trust a loving God and thankful for His mercy and grace.
Molly Huggins says
Yes! Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with the carving process on a daily basis, but I am so thankful for the mercy He gives me for the gratitude on the other side. And honestly, sometimes it takes a minute to get there. Or two years.
TC says
Just reading your post today. Thank you for using your God given gifts of beautiful writing to encourage me & others. And thank you for your honesty and vulnerability especially in your reply about struggling with the carving process. This is where I am right now. After decades of health & emotional struggles as a result of significant trauma early in my life, I’m trying so hard told on to thanksgiving & praise for the progress I’ve made and for His faithfulness. All the while grieving what hasn’t been & all I’ve been through. I want so much to look up and focus on Him & the blessings He has given me. But some days it’s rather hard.
Blessings to you and your family!
shsron a says
Thanks for reminding us we all have losses. This will be my sixth thanksgiving without my soulmate but we had 24beautiful years of marriage and 26 years together that I am very thankful for and know we will see each other again. May we all comfort one another!
Molly Huggins says
Oh, lifting up praise for your marriage and prayers for your loss. What a gift we have of community to comfort each other!
Rebecca L Jones says
I pray you see His beauty for ashes. Thank you for the your service.
Molly Huggins says
Oh thank YOU. And likewise, Rebecca.
Beth says
As a knitter and a working-on-it weaver, I absolutely love the image of our Father as the Master Weaver! I’ve always known that at least one of my guardian angels is a fiber artist, more likely two or more. (I can just imagine them deliberating, “No, it’s your turn; I went last time.” 🙂 I pray His grace and comfort for you and for all of us in our struggles here in this life on earth. May we always know and remember that His grace is most truly sufficient for anything we encounter or experience. And, thank you both for your service to this country!
Theresa L says
Thank you for your service and thank you for sharing your story. I lost my father last year and it’s still an adjustment. But I just praise Him that He is good all the time.
Nancy Ruegg says
Your powerful story, Molly, and the stories of others who’ve commented here, prove that the power of God’s strength can bring us through anything (Philippians 4:13). Wow. The shards of your brokenness are reflecting his beauty in radiant glory! Hallelujah indeed.
Toni says
Your words ministered to my heart deeply tonight. Thank you for sharing transparently your pain and yet your victory in being able to “praise Him in the storm”. That is where I am too. God bless and have a thankful Thanksgiving.