“If you need to evacuate, you’re welcome here.”
What had I just done? Even as I extended the invitation, I was horrified I’d done it.
The largest hurricane on record in the Atlantic was bearing down on Florida and the entire state was on high alert. New data showed a sudden change of course and the Category 4 storm was now headed straight toward my sister’s house.
She had already taken in her in-laws. Now they all needed a place to evacuate to and every hotel room within 700 miles was booked from those fleeing this mega-storm.
“I’ll call you right back and let you know,” my sister replied. As we ended our call, I silently hoped they might go north as they’d originally planned. But a few minutes later, I got a text: “We’re on our way. Don’t worry about dinner. We have supplies packed.”
Um, dinner was the last thing on my mind. What worried me was the state of my house.
There was a day when I would have happily opened my home without reservation. In those days, we regularly hosted cook outs with friends, youth events with church, and holidays with family. I loved entertaining and loved opening our home to friends and family. But that was then.
And all of that had slowly become another one of the losses after my husband’s death.
It’s not that I didn’t want people over. But as a single mom, it felt awkward to have other couples over for games or dinner, so those evenings had petered out. Plus, I had so little time. I was the only parent to our seven kids and the only one to taxi, cheer, advise, help, cook, clean, and keep up with bills, work, appointments, holidays, grandparents, and the rest.
With all of that, my house had become a low priority. And now it reflected it.
I’d meant to recover the threadbare living room chairs but hadn’t gotten to it over our busy summer. The guest bath still sported a hole in the ceiling from a repair a couple weeks earlier and the upstairs bedrooms were nice in a kid-friendly way.
And here I’d invited not just my sister (she’d understand) but her in-laws (would they?).
We started cleaning like crazy. I enlisted every child at home and we stripped beds, scrubbed bathrooms, cleaned woodwork, bleached the kitchen floor, and took one whole van load to Goodwill — all while continuing to prep for the coming hurricane.
But the real cleaning was in my own heart. I realized I had stopped inviting people over – not because of an imperfect house, but an imperfect heart.
I wanted people to see a certain house and think of me a certain way. And my own pride had almost made me close the door to real need.
As I cleaned, I prayed that regardless of what they saw in our house, they would feel loved and welcome.
I thought back to my missionary mother-in-law who would squeeze students and families around her small dining room table for legendary Sunday dinners.
And another friend who invited us moms over while our kids were in class. Amid our soul-filling conversation that morning, she offered the only snack in her bare fridge – a bag of apples.
Truth is, we all have imperfections. We just get good at hiding them. But keeping our imperfect behind closed doors keeps us from each other.
What people long for is not perfect homes, but real community.
When my sister and her in-laws arrived, exhausted from the day’s pre-storm driving, we welcomed them to a safe home and sweet tea. When they said, “Your house is so cute,” I bit back excuses and apologies and instead smiled a thank you.
Conversation and news updates filled my kitchen as we pooled our hurricane provisions to make dinner. I was tired, but deep down also glad they hadn’t gone further north. For one, my house was now squeaky clean. But more than that, I realized our little family’s love for hospitality was no longer a loss.
It just looked different. And I’d made peace with that.
Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Lisa,
Isn’t it amazing how God will sometimes force us to regain something we’ve lost – in your case it was the gift of hospitality. Oh how the enemy sneaks in there and whispers, “Your place is not enough. You are not enough.” He wants us to feel like we have nothing to offer in God’s earthly kingdom. Also, though I hate to admit it, pride keeps me from welcoming people into my home. I want to present a certain image (usually one that says that I totally have my act together – as if that’s possible??). Jesus didn’t ask for a palace in which to be born…..He came to a lowly stable. He will come to our hearts and homes….just as they are. Great lesson on what you learned through this experience!! I’m taking it to heart….
Blessings,
Bev xx
Jas says
I echo Bev’s Thoughts exactly! I have become more and more reluctant to have people over due to shame about the house, the unfinished renovations due to me studying a Masters and my husbands lack of time, but upon reflection their all blessings really. I crave connection yet don’t make the effort enough. What a wonderful example you are and have shared it’s in the giving and opening of ourselves to community that really matters not the state of our abode. Lesson received my friend, I’m going to try to be more open thanks for sharing x
Lisa Appelo says
Interesting, Jas, what we hold ourselves to when we don’t for others, isn’t it? Your full life will overflow beautifully into others. Preaching that to myself this morning.
Jas says
Thanks Lisa need to make a change in priorities and open my home more to friends x
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Jas,
I can’t imagine someone not loving to sit down with you to have a cup of coffee or tea. You have a caring and gracious heart and when you do…the undusted furniture in your home has a way of disappearing!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Jas says
Your too kind Bev! And an inspiration to many so glad to benefit from your advice and kind words here x
Lisa Appelo says
So true, Bev. It was a good wake-up call and honestly felt good to clean out more yuck in my own heart. And you are spot on, King Jesus lived humbly and simply. What a good reminder.
Michele Morin says
When we bought our fixer-upper almost 24 years ago, our mantra was, “If we wait until it’s perfect before we have company, we’ll never invite a soul.” So we’ve persevered in having the world (literally, as missionaries are regulars here!) at our dining room table, and it’s one of the best decisions we ever made.
And Lisa, whenever I read your words, I’m inspired by your courage for this unexpected turn your life has taken.
Lisa Appelo says
Michele, I love that! So true and I know you all and your friends are richer for it. That is what I miss! Thank you, friend.
Amanda Jobe says
Lisa, what a beautiful story and a beautiful lesson. You are so right…hospitality isn’t an event (a cook-out or a dinner party)…it is a condition of the heart.
This is a timely reminder to me as I’m hosting my first large gathering in awhile, and have been getting caught up in the inconsequential details. Time to refocus on welcoming the people attending.
Lisa Appelo says
I hope this is changing me and how I welcome people, Amanda. I so long to see people and not get hung up on my own expectations.
Penny says
Lisa,
What you’ve overcome is remarkable, and yet you opened up and became a gift to others. Thank-you for sharing with us.
(My home, and I are not perfect, and that’s okay.)
blessings to all,
Penny
Lisa Appelo says
I love your parenthesis comment, Penny! I think I want that on a sign in my kitchen! True tears, this morning, that it’s okay we’re not perfect.
K Ann Guinn says
Thank-you for your honesty about this. I think that most people (except for the few who actually like cleaning, hire cleaning ladies, or know how to be more efficient with their house-cleaning), are “hiding” stuff each time people come over. I’m not advocating a dirty home or leaving all our junk out without a care when having people over, but I am agreeing with you that the most important aspect when we have visitors is the atmosphere we create and the state of our hearts.
I’ve been in this place often. It seems that one of the bi-products of a “perfectionist” personality is actually having a lot of imperfectness around us, as we are generally not good at doing things quickly and letting stuff be “good enough”. I’ve been learning that for years.
I have felt this especially this year, as early in the year I cut my finger which resulted in tendon repair surgery and losing a lot of time due to my recovery. Then most recently my husband had to have bypass surgery, and now the holidays are upon us.
I have come far in realizing what’s truly important in our home, but admit that it’s still an area in which I need to grow. I desire to learn how to keep a more simple, less cluttered home, and also to remember the priorities of love and relationships when things aren’t at their best.
Although I believe a clean, neat home can help to foster a peaceful atmosphere, I also know that most people feel better knowing that we are “normal”, and that we are willing to share of ourselves despite the imperfections. It shows an emphasis on putting others needs above our desire to look good and like we have it together.
Good for you for making this wise choice and discovery, and for enlisting the help of your family.
Lisa Appelo says
And that’s it, isn’t it? To learn to put others above my own desire to look good. Heart chiseling stuff, right there. xoxo
Barbara says
Thank you Lisa, I have found your web page and your writings about grief. I have read posts and plan to go back. As I am recently widowed, after 42 years of marriage, your posts have spoken to me!
Lisa Appelo says
Barbara, I’m so sorry for your loss….42 years is a lot of loss to process. I am praying for you now as I write this, that you will feel God’s tender care all through this Christmas season.
Jen says
Lisa,
What a beautiful and strong soul you are !
Thanks for sharing this , for myself , once I was no longer able to work and living with multiple life threatening illnesses , this became my new norm ! I’m in my early 40s , so it’s not I don’t want folks over , I fear as you say as my house is imperfect . I was always a people person and loved entertaining and hanging with friends and family . I use to be a clean freak and the few that do see it now says it’s clean , but it’s a hott mess as I am most days . I stay in my pjs often , unless I have appointments or a burst of energy to just get dressed .
Hope you and your kids have a blessed holiday season and know you are one strong and very courageous woman!
Lisa Appelo says
Jen, pj girls unite! First thing I change into after a long Sunday morning at church. But truly, sending you a hug for pressing through the hard and finding God faithful in the imperfect.
Brenda says
Lisa, I know you don’t need or want my admiration, but, regardless—you have it. So impressed by the way you’ve allowed your broken story to meet others in their own brokenness. Thank you for your vulnerability. — And, thanks for the reminder that hospitality is of the heart, not the home. ((Hug))
Lisa Appelo says
You are an encourager, Brenda. I so appreciate your encouraging heart. It’s mostly that I want God and following Him means we get some needed scrubbing of the unsightly stuff in our hearts.
Linda S. says
Thank you for your post – how you gain strength from the Lord to deal with such a loss in your family situation.
Because our first house needed more outside repairs than the inside (don’t judge a book by its cover! 🙂 ), when they saw the inside, they were pleasantly surprised. We were sometimes reluctant over the years to have people over because of not-so-nice comments that generally came from the men – friend or family – “when are you going to fix that? when are you going to paint your house, etc. etc.?” And I would cringe and grit my teeth. Does anyone else gets comments like that? Our second home now is in the same state on the outside. We don’t have the finances to redo the siding and windows or the skills to do it ourselves. I do love to entertain and the inside of our home always looks nice compared to the outside. And we always get compliments on the interior. And our yard always looks neat and tidy. But in the past, it was embarrassing to have people over. I didn’t want to hear the negative comments/questions.
I hope you have a great Christmas holiday with your family. Thank you again for revealing your innermost thoughts on your grief and family situation. XO
Lisa Appelo says
Linda, you are so wise to open your home and invest in those around you. Hospitality in the process of making and re-making our homes is a needed gift.
Kristi Woods says
Oh, I love this, Lisa. And how I can relate! Putting your “real” out there encourages all of us to do the same. Now, if I will simply choose to unpry the fingers and simply release it to Him…
Lisa Appelo says
Lol, Kristi, the hurricane made the release for me. 😉 But, yes, real is greater than perfect any day.
Trish says
I too suffered for a while from ‘imperfect heart ‘ syndrome…job loss, marriage struggles & other life adjustments closed my hospitality door & I hid away for a while…till God spoke through a friend who said ‘you need to know when to WHOA & when to GO’ she challenged me to ask God about my slow down, my need for reflective study & returning to the life & purpose He had in store. During my study time I came across an article about why we return compliments with doubts & negativity instead of gratitude & joy for those offering praise…it changed how I respond now to guest compliments. You have my heart & prayers for the journey you’re on & my praise for the courage to share your story. Blessings!
Lisa Appelo says
Thank Goodness for friends who can speak what we need to hear. I’m going to be mulling over your comment about learning to receive with grace. Thank you, Trish.
Trish says
You’re welcome
Jen says
Feeling like our homes are imperfect sounds like a common thread here. I felt our last house was too small to host gatherings and so I never hosted anything. I was embarrassed and now I wonder how much relationship and community I might have missed. Now I have embraced the imperfect and it is so freeing. I love having friends over for dinner or hosting bonfires in our backyard. There is so much joy in the connection that happens in homes. Praying over your journey as you continue to learn how to navigate your story, thanks for sharing!
Lisa Appelo says
That’s just it. We miss out! I know that’s happened here. There are times to pull in (to heal for instance) but times to open ourselves back up as well. Thank you, Jen.
Linda says
That is such a great point. God has brought you to this point when He knew you were ready. Life changing events in our lives, change our lives. When raising my children as a single mother, the kids friends were much more financially sound and materialistic as well. Funny thing is their friends always wanted to come to our house because they felt at home and comfortable. They saw the love and care we had. I am so thankful for that. Praying for you as changes come your way. Thank you for sharing your heart to help others for the cause of Christ!!
Lisa Appelo says
Linda, what encouragement you’ve given me that you can look back on the hard days of single parenting and see God’s good hand. thank you for that this morning.
Kim B Smith says
Lisa, so beautiful how God held your hand to open “your home” but to really open your heart. Nothing is so pure than that. And so true, we are craving community is a world of fast-paced technology-screen filled world. Human touch and interaction.
I am happy all is well and safe, hurricanes are very frightening, I lived through Andrew.
Lisa Appelo says
Oh, wow, if you went through Andrew then you know a hurricane. I was well away from that but had so many friends affected. Thank you for your kind comments, Kim.
Kim B Smith says
Your welcome
Beth Williams says
Lisa,
You have a heart of gold like me. God has given you a servant’s heart to help people. The devil makes us believe we can’t or shouldn’t host people, do this, that. He would have us believe that we aren’t enough. I feel like you do. I always want to help out in situations. My first thought is usually can I make a meal, go visit, etc. In this rush fast paced world of ours we don’t make time for community. Our pride gets in the way of being the hands & feet of Jesus. I am grateful you opened up your home to your family. You are an inspiration to me. How you handle seven kids, with all regular stuff & yet make room for family in an emergency! May God bless you richly!!!
Blessings:)
Lisa Appelo says
Beth, thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes, God just pushes me past my pride. He’s so good like that.
Kendra says
This is lovely. A wonderful reminder of hospitality. When someone invites me to their home, I don’t pick apart imperfections in it – I’m just happy to be there. Why would I think people are critiquing me?
Lisa Appelo says
See, Kendra, you have the right heart from the beginning. I love that and those kinds of friends are the best.