I remember the morning I sat up in my bed and thought, “If something doesn’t change, I’m not going to make it.”
Life had become like water. I couldn’t catch it; it just kept slipping through my fingers. I felt so behind, so robotic, so stuck. Why couldn’t I change? Why couldn’t I get myself together? Why couldn’t I do the things I wanted to do?
I just felt tired and overwhelmed, and many days, defeated.
But that morning in my bed, I decided I wanted to live; I didn’t just want to go through the motions.
And it was that day I purposed to wake up to my own life and choose it. No one was going to do it for me. Whatever it was that clicked in me that morning made me see that I didn’t want to regret my life. I didn’t want to look back one day and see that I missed it.
***
It’s such a funny thing when you become a mom. You lose yourself to it in the most beautiful way. You give of yourself, you sacrifice, and it’s good and you wouldn’t change it. But then one day you wake up and you think, “Who am I now?” You have to figure out a new normal. You’re you, but you’re different. So this waking up I was doing was more than just getting out of a funk; it was figuring out a new way to live in this mother-self-skin.
“Daily life is very seductive. Weeks go by and we forget who we are.”
Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones
I committed to making small changes over a period of several months in order to wake up to my life. I experimented with myself, trying all sorts of things having to do with self-discipline, diet, mothering, spiritual depth, figuring out who I was (and accepting myself), and learning to serve out of who God created me to be. I basically boot-camped my own life. And it helped. It woke me up.
I want to share with you the two initial things that changed the course of my life:
1) I chose to live, and 2) I fought for it.
Choosing to Live
I literally had to say out loud, “I’m going to choose to live my life.”
It was a light bulb moment for me to awaken to the fact that I could choose my life. That God, in His kindness, gave us minds and hearts and guts and bodies to be able to choose how we want to live; He gave us the ability to think and make decisions and act on them. It seems so obvious, right? But life does this thing to you sometimes where you just feel like you have no choice, like you just have to roll where the waves take you.
I know now that’s not entirely true.
We might not be able to change our personalities or our circumstances, but we can make daily decisions that affect our whole life. We can choose to say and believe that we were made for more than a mediocre, just-get-by existence. We are made to live and live fully; a half-dead people cannot be effective in the Kingdom, but a fully-alive people? Watch out. Life calls forth life, and if you are alive, you can call forth life in others.
I am choosing to live because it matters. It matters to God, it matters to my family, and it matters to me. I want to enjoy life, and God, and His people, and the glory all around me. And when I do that, I am in a soul-alive place where I can help others. Yea, it matters.
But you have to choose it or life will pull you under.
Choosing to Fight
Once I chose, I had to face the reality that it wasn’t going to come easy. I was going to have to fight. I had to make plans and begin again and again.
And again.
Jesus was my rock.
Friends surrounded me and loved me.
Vision kept me moving.
And when my plans don’t go according to plan, and when my body fails and my hormones course through me and make me crazy, I keep on knowing I’m not alone. I have a vision to live and enjoy and be delighted in and bring God’s Kingdom to bear on this earth in creative ways. So yea, it’s imperfect, but it’s faithful. It’s something. It’s slow and steady, one day at a time. I will live today.
And when I can’t fight, when I’m feeling battle worn, He fights for me. And He will fight for you.
He sees our broken places; He doesn’t forget.
You are not alone, and I am not alone. We are in a sisterhood, together, and together we can make it.
“It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.”
Victor Hugo
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10
Love,
Sarah Mae
To read more about Sarah Mae’s journey towards choosing to live, check out Longing for Paris: One Woman’s Search for Joy, Beauty, and Adventure – Right Where She Is.
Leave a Comment
Michele Morin says
Thank you, Sarah Mae, for this strong call to life. And thank you mostly for the admission that sometimes life feels like death in slow motion, but this does not have to be our story.
Kallie Rice says
What a powerful message! I can’t tell you many times I wanted to give up fighting. But I knew that no matter what I wanted to live for Christ. That Christ is my joy, not the momentary glimpses of this world.
Sarah Mae says
Me too. It got so bad, that is when I went to the doc to see what to do. The medication he prescribed has lifted the dark I was in. God is so kind to help us. And I’m with you sister. To live for Christ is to have such meaningful purpose and to keep on. I love how Beth Moore says that if we’re still sucking oxygen on this earth, we still have a purpose here!
Jayne Smith says
Exactly! This choosing happens over and over again. Whatever our circumstance we were made for such a day as this. Christ was sent to be our light even when we at times perceive it as a flickering candle. Thank you for your eloquent words of wisdom.
Sarah Mae says
OH man, yes, over and over and over and over again. And when we fall, we begin, again.
Karen says
Thank you for your words and the hope they will give to others.
Suzanne Crough says
Thank you for your transparency. I’ve recently just awakened to the need to make a choice too. Embarking on this journey to live! I became an empty nester over ten years ago nd I have a loving husband whose a workaholic. Life can get lonely but I’ve got to make the best of what’s left of this 59 year olds life, to the praise of His glory.
Sarah Mae says
Yes! I had a wise woman tell me once that if my husband didn’t want to adventure with me (because work, tiredness, etc.), that I could still do it! You have so much life! You could volunteer somewhere, start a business, find a new hobby, explore your town, get together with girlfriends, try new food, read new books, and on and on. You have purpose and God sees you and knows you’re lonely. Oh Suzanne, praying for you today sister.
Suzanne Crough says
Thank you for the encouragement! As I said I’m just awakening after a long period so your devotional was a confirmation! John 10:10 “I’ve come to give them life, not just life but life in abundance!” I’m believing what years I have left will be lived in abundance as He died for & desires for me, for all of us! Blessings upon blessings be upon you & yours sister!
Ellen Cole says
Hi Suzanne, I’m right there with you. Kids are grown and loving husband is a workaholic. We also relocated about a year ago, so girlfriends are no longer physically near by. My husband has mission work he loves, but which also vies for his time. I got quite lonely and feeling sorry for myself. He told me that if I needed him to give up his mission work, he’d do it. That was my wake-up call. He shouldn’t have to give up important work he loves to sit home with me…instead I should find things I love and not sit home either! I’m still a work in progress, but this was an important epiphany for me. No one else is responsible for my life and God is by my side when things feel scary and unfamiliar.
Leslie says
Sarah Mae, thank you so much for sharing this. It’s so easy to forget that we don’t have to give in and let life circumstances run us over. We have the Holy Spirit and when we respond and open up God fills us to overflowing. This equals life lived with joy instead of a daily sigh. So thankful to find your post today. It was inspiring and full of reminders I needed this morning!
Shelly says
I can’t relate on the mother part, but I definitely appreciate this – even though it isn’t something I can feel or believe right now. I can identify from a faith standpoint that you are correct, and know that, but man, life really throws curveballs – even with our friends and family who claim the same faith.
Thank you. 🙂
Sarah Mae says
Yep, I hear ya. I’ve had the head heart disconnect myself.
Praying today that God lets the truth hug right into your heart. You are so loved, and God sees you and your pain. Love ya sister.
Jo says
This is similar to how I feel. I found the message in the post encouraging but I keep praying for a miracle I can’t seem to get past this devastating depression it just comes on sometimes in a matter of moments and I can hardly breathe yet I know Jesus and I cry out because I know we can’t live on feelings. I echo those same words so many days that if this doesn’t get better I don’t know it I’ll make it. Then I pray to our Father to take away every thought that’s not of Him. I take meds and have recently changed so I’m a little afraid they aren’t working or possibly strong enough but I know God knows and he is faithful. Thank you for your honesty. Jo
Judy Wagner says
Thank you for this message, I found myself questioning my future for sometime. After 30+ years in my career I began to see myself as identified by my title. I had a “Zen” moment last year when I when I thought, no that is what I do but not who I am. I had struggled with the idea of taking early retirement for a very long time and did a lot of praying. Due to several circumstances where I worked and I turned 60 I decided to go ahead and retired. I sought God’s direction and 6 months later I am still trying to figure out what retirement means to me, but I know it was the best thing I could have done for myself! My blood pressure is back to normal, the anxiety is gone and I get a good night’s sleep. God has blessed me in so many ways. I have an 85 year old father that needs more of my attention and I am available when he needs me. I’ve had a very sick cat that I would not have been able to take care of had I still been working. I take one day at a time and I’m amazed where the Lord leads me ’cause he knows best!
Ellen says
“But then one day you wake up and you think, “Who am I now?” You have to figure out a new normal. You’re you, but you’re different.” I felt exactly like this after retiring. I was a teacher for over 20 years and that was my identity. Then I retired and I had to figure out a new identity. It took almost 2 years of small steps to get me to the point where I am now. It took a lot of prayer, planning and missteps but I got here. Thank you for putting into words what it is like to become new.
Penny says
Sara Mae,
Your post has really touched me this morning…thank-you so much for opening up. In the busyness it can be hard not to get lost in the swirl, and I’m so thankful for all the times the Lord’s helped pull me out.
Blessings to all,
Penny
Mardi Benson says
Wise words! Thanks!
Desarae says
I want to thank you for the 2 small words that settled my heart instantly: Meds helped. I feel that whenever I read something about people being depressed or full of anxiety or both they never mention medication. It makes me feel like I should be able to fix myself without medicine. I can’t. I’ve tried. No matter how many Bible passages I read, hours of devotions I do, Bible studies and church services I attend and books I read can or will fix the chemical imbalance in my brain. These things all help and I need them. Oh, how I need them. And I need Jesus every hour. But unless I take medication, I am unable to even focus or even make myself do any single one of them, let alone do my daily tasks of being a housewife and stay-at-home-mother of 3. I wish I didn’t need it but people with other physical illnesses probably wish they didn’t have their condition either. No one looks down on a diabetic person for taking medication for that or a cancer patient for doing chemotherapy or radiation to keep themselves alive. Why is it so different when someone with a mental illness takes medication to keep themselves “alive?”
Patty Baummer says
Oh, honey, you just TAKE those meds and don’t feel ashamed! I’ve been on antidepressants for YEARS. It IS a chemical imbalance, we can’t help it, it’s just the way we are. We need to praise God for the medication that can help us function like ‘normal’ human beings! Try to learn to accept it and be OK with it yourself, then project that to others. Don’t be ashamed, YES, we take meds, but that helps us be a better US!
Sarah Mae says
Amen Patty! And so glad to have encouraged you Desarae!
Katie says
THANK YOU to all 3 of you for that encouragement!!! I have yet another new prescription in my purse, waiting to be taken to the pharmacy… After a decade of being on a combination of meds that worked (well, good enough), I’m back to playing “musical pills” – for those of you who don’t understand what I mean by that, praise God that you don’t! So, if you are blessed with meds that help, thank God for each one! That’s what I wish I would have done every time I felt bad about myself for having to take medication to be “normal”
Maylee says
Much needed for today. I hear ya! We get so caught up in this daily routine life and we soon become overwhelmed and dry. This mothering is not an easy task for us and there’s no step by step book to help us through it. Some days or should I say most days, I feel I like am just winging it and keeping my head above water. And there’s many times, I wished someone would come and save me and pull me out of the water. It is in these times that I know and trust that our awesome God had been with me the whole time. My little faith just took the best out of me convincing my human heart that I got no one. In reality, I got the biggest Savior ever! It is so refreshing to hear that others are with me through this life. We women need to encourage one another and be that life line for each other. Thanks so much for sharing this!
Brenda says
That’s one of the things I love about this little home online—vulnerability is commonplace. I’ve had a lot going on lately, and haven’t stopped by as much the last couple of weeks, and I’ve missed all you sweet writers. Thank you for your candor and the encouragement to be free. Life can sometimes feel like a wind-up toy, that once wound up, it chaotically zooms around, unable to find its lane. (Then, when it finally does stop, it wonders how it got under the table! haha.) (Or is that just me? 🙂 ) — Such an important message, Sarah Mae. Thank you. ♥
Traci says
Sarah Mae,
Thanks for these wise and brave words. They have spoken to me today. May God bless you and give you his peace today and help you continue to live for Him.
Pearl Allard says
Sarah Mae, your whole post just resonated. Think I need to check out your book! Thank you.
Joey Rudder says
“I was going to have to fight. I had to make plans and begin again and again.”
Thank you, Sarah Mae. I needed those very words today. Tomorrow I will start the fight. Today, as my mom always says, “I just need a good cry.”
Blessings to you.
Sarah Mae says
Sometimes I think a good cry is part of the fight because it’s letting yourself be vulnerable enough to feel and ache and get through.
Blessings back to you sister!
Theresa Boedeker says
Thanks for sharing. We do have a choice and we must fight for the direction we are going. Very inspirational.
Kathy Cheek, Devotions from the Heart says
I have also found this to be a powerful message and also the comments are filled with words of hope and it just reflects to me the body of Christ being there for each other and I think many of you are stronger than you realize!
Beth Williams says
Sarah Mae,
I get this! There were several years I just “lived life”. I rolled with the punches, but there was no joy. Some days were good & some so so. It’s hard when you become a caregiver to your aging parents. Your life isn’t your own anymore. Like a mom you never know when that call will come to go help. You must decide what you can do for yourself & what has to be laid down for now. I gave up full-time work, & some free time. In the end I wouldn’t change it. Like you I had many “blue” days. I just wanted out of the water onto safe dry ground. We have to choose to live our lives to the full. Don’t let the daily struggles get the best of you. Take them to God. He will fight for you & we will win!! Praise God for wonderful friends who come along side us & help us through our trials!!
Blessings 🙂
Teresa says
Wow, Thanks, I needed that!!!
Gertha says
I understand Sarah Mae!! I am at this place in my life and I am so thankful to God and his wisdom, courage and strength to renew(: Thank you, thank you so much for this post(:
Laura Blakeman says
Thank you for this wonderful message. <3
Maree Dee says
Beautiful post! Yes, indeed life is a choice. We can live it or waste it.