Groggily, I rolled over in the hotel bed and looked at my phone. 4:00 a.m. Two missed calls, three text messages, and a voicemail from Mom. Tears welled in my eyes and a knot formed in my stomach. “No, no, no,” I whispered as my lungs constricted. I needed to call Mom back, but I already knew.
Trembling, I stumbled toward the bathroom. I grabbed a box of tissues and, fighting nausea, went back into the bedroom. “I have to wake her up. I can’t do this alone.” I thought.
Clutching phone and tissue box in one hand, I carefully pulled back the blanket of the other bed. “Anna,” I whispered as I sat down. Startled, my friend opened her eyes. “Mom called. I don’t want to call her back.” Tears pooled in her eyes. She knew, too.
She put her arm around me as I pressed the button to return Mom’s call. “Jess passed away at 3:15 this morning.” I didn’t hear anything else. My little sister was gone.
When I hung up the phone, Anna held me close as I sobbed silently. My world was spinning out of control.
* * *
Five months after Jess’ death, the internal pressure to pretend I was okay reached its limit; I was either going to implode or explode. Neither option was pretty.
I was sprawled face-down across the bed. Anna sat on the bed beside me, her back against the wall. “If I call and make the appointment, will you go?” she gently asked.
“Yes,” I choked out, my voice barely louder than a whisper. Immediately, she picked up the phone and called the counselor’s office. I made the appointment, knowing it was the next step, but I had not been able to take it alone.
* * *
For nearly three years before I met Anna, a dark season of depression and anxiety consumed me. I had lost my sense of purpose, my hope, my joy. Words spoken by a trusted person had broken me and left me with the belief that, at thirty-years-old, I was washed-up and unnecessary. Worse, I was convinced that I could not discern God’s voice. Wading through the grief process has brought those lies back to the forefront of my mind. These days, God and I are not on frequent speaking terms.
Fortunately, Anna loves nothing more than to see her friends walk in the freedom of Christ. She often looks me in the eye and reminds me that I am a beloved daughter of God; He has not abandoned me in this wilderness. She is the one who claps loudest when I step into who God created and redeemed me to be, whether it be a baby step or a huge leap of faith.
She’s one of those women who cheers loudest when you need to be reminded that you are worth cheering for. Anna is the friend who calls forth the talents and abilities that, perhaps, you’ve buried deep inside yourself and forgotten.
Had it not been for Anna’s support during the past year, I’m not sure where I’d be today. Losing my sister is the single hardest thing I’ve ever faced. The grief is still fresh; it rears its head at the most inopportune times. But, often, Anna is there to remind me that it won’t always be like this. The loss will never disappear, but the rawness of the pain will lessen with time. Because she’s faced insurmountable loss of her own, I believe her. She reminds me through her words, her actions, and her story that I am worth fighting for.
In Job 16:21, Job laments, amid his grief, “I need someone to mediate between God and me, as a person mediates between friends.” Anna has done much the same for me. She’s the friend who sees my pain and says, “I’m asking God to speak to you, whether you’re speaking to Him right now or not.” She stands in the gap when I cannot stand on my own.
I hope that you have an Anna of your own. And, someday, I pray that we can be to others the kind of friend she has been to me.
Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Ticcoa,
What an awesome blessing to have a friend like Anna. She is literally the hands and feet of Jesus to you right now. I’m so sorry about the loss of your sweet sister, Jess. Grieving is a process we all go through differently and there are no points for stoicism. That’s why God gave us tears. You ARE worth fighting for and I’m so glad that message is getting through. God is big enough to handle your anger, but He’s also loving enough to give you a gift like Anna. She stands in the gap, but ultimately, God wants to embrace you in His loving arms and comfort you. Despite the world, God is good and He is love and He cannot deny Himself. I am praying that He will woo you back to Himself through His constantly pursuing love. When you look in the face of Anna….you are seeing the face of God. Thank you for sharing from the heart. I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you. (John 14:18)
Blessings,
Bev xx
Ticcoa Leister says
Anna’s friendship, among that of others, is a direct reflection of God’s divine intervention in my life. Thank you for reading and sharing these thoughts.
Michele Morin says
My heart aches for your loss, but rejoices in the gift of your friend.
May we trust God for courage to be that friend who stands in the gap and who speaks hard truth when necessary for the good of a much-loved sister in Christ.
Ticcoa Leister says
Those are the most invaluable kinds of friends.
Maylee says
I am sorry for your loss. This grief is hard to deal with and like you mentioned, it rears its ugly head in without notice. It is so wonderful to have a friend who will be there to encourage you, to lift up your spirits and to remind you that you are loved. I never understood what impact loss could do to a person until I too had lost my best friend in January. You are right, the pain is so raw and no matter how long or how much time had passed or will pass, I truly think the pain of not having their very presence is what is hardest to deal with. Praying for you and know that one day, you will see her again. Until then, laugh, cry and celebrate all the goodness she had brought into your life. Thank you for sharing this.
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you for reading, Maylee.
Molly says
God hears your heart’s cry Ticcoa ❤️ and He sent Anna to you for you season of wilderness. Be blessed dear daughter of the Risen King! He has conquered death and pain. Walk in His goodness.
Ticcoa Leister says
He did, indeed. Thank you, Molly.
Melissa says
Beautiful! This made me cry!!
Ticcoa Leister says
Thanks for reading, Melissa.
Amy says
Words fail me. Your friendship with Anna is a true and precious gift. I am blessed just to read of it.
Ticcoa Leister says
It is a gift, for sure.
LeAnne says
Beautiful…the words…the love…the shared vulnerability. Thank you for sharing yourself and Anna with us. May the blessings of God’s love wash over you both today.
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you, LeAnne!
Madlin says
Ticcoa,
It’s a beautiful thing to see God orchestrate the beginning of a beautiful friendship. You literally never know if today you will get to meet your new best friend! Or vital friend as I call them.
I’ve seen first hand how you have been an incredible gift to Anna and she has been to you. A match made in heaven. May your story inspire many others to lay down their life (their time, their ears, their treasure, their selfishness) for their friend(s).
I pray that you are comforted each day by God’s Holy Spirit. And that you experience His love all around you in this season of grief for Jess. Thank you for sharing this experience ❤️.
Ticcoa Leister says
I love the way God dropped Anna into my life at just the right time. She’s a vital friend I didn’t know i needed. And so are YOU!
Madlin says
❤️
Anna says
I’m a weepy mess this morning, Ticcoa. My heart will continue to grieve the loss of our beloved Jess along with yours…UNTIL.
Ticcoa Leister says
Love you, friend. What a ride, huh? My heart is overflowing and my eyes are leaky.
Linda HIbner says
What a blessing you are to so many of us. Today’s post touched me in deep places I tend to ignore. Thank you for reminding us that we often need someone to “stand in the gap.” I love your sweet spirit and your transparency. Please keep writing and sharing with us!
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you, Mama Linda!
Maggie says
Hi Ticcoa, Thank you for your message. I am very sorry about your little sister. That sounds extremely painful.
You have blessed me in that your message is so real and honest. You have gone through such a difficult trial and yet you think of how to show me Jesus through the pain.
Many blessings to you. Love Maggie
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you, Maggie.
Kristin says
This is such a beautiful picture of how God wants us to live in community. Thank you for sharing this raw moment with us, Ticcoa. God sent you and Anna to each other at just the right time.
Ticcoa Leister says
That He did! Thanks for reading, Kristin!
Teresa says
Cheers to the “Anna’s” in our lives!
Ticcoa Leister says
Yes!
Kim says
Oh, how I can relate to your pain. My sister passed away a little over a year ago and the pain is like none I’ve experienced before. I totally understand how difficult it is during these times to believe that a loving God would allow things such as this to happen, but I have to keep reminding myself that He knows everything and I don’t.
Ticcoa Leister says
I’m so sorry, Kim. It been almost a year for me and it’s still so fresh.
Cheri says
So beautifully written, Ticcoa!
#the4500
Ticcoa Leister says
Thanks, friend!
Becky Beresford says
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little sister! . This really touched my heart and the tears just started to flow… I am so thankful for Anna in your life, God is surely using her to love you during your darkest times.
But I wanted to let you know that, yes God is using Anna, but He is also using you and your story (and your sister’s life!) to touch the lives of hundreds of women right now! Thank you for sharing your heart and for being so raw and real. I pray Jesus surrounds you and your family with His gentle love and uses each tear in redeeming ways only He can orchestrate.
Again, I’m so so sorry, Sister. You are loved and so very beautiful to the heart of your Father. Continued prayers coming your way…
Becky
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you so much, Becky. It’s been a rough year, but He is still here and has provided Anna and others to walk alongside me.
Penny says
Ticcoa,
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your sister. Your friend Anna must be the comfort that God knew you needed.
Blessings to all,
Penny
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you, Penny. She is, indeed.
Afton Rorvik says
What a beautiful story of friendship. Thank you for writing it!
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you for reading it!
Yvonne says
It is such a beautiful thing to have a true friend in your life like Anna. Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable to a bunch of strangers. Thank you for sharing.
Ticcoa Leister says
Sharing our stories connects us in beautiful ways. Thanks for reading, Yvonne.
Susannah says
Reading this article today felt like deja vu. It’s been 6 months since I lost my younger sister and the pain is still there. But like your Anna, God has brought people my way to Stand in the Gap. He will not leave us without a comforter and the pain will lessen with time. We just need to let ourselves be held by Him.
I’m Standing in the Gap with you and all those who are hurting and grieving this season. Bearing and sharing the burdens makes it lighter and easier to bear.
Shalom.
Susannah x x x
Ticcoa Leister says
Oh, Susannah, my heat aches with yours. The one-year mark is approaching for me. It’s a wound that I will always carry. I’m so grateful that He sees fit to sends heart-friends to help ease the pain. Thank you for sharing your story.
Carolyn Simmons says
Beautiful, Ticcoa. You have spoken of the power of friendship with such eloquence. Thank you for sharing part of your healing process. You are a strong woman!
Ticcoa Leister says
Thanks, Carolyn. Can’t wait to hug your neck in a few weeks!
Pearl Allard says
Ticcoa, words aren’t coming, because I’m just feeling. Reliving when my little brother died. The heart’s topography is forever altered by grief. May the tears you share with those mourning with you speak depths that words can’t reach. May you be given the strength to feel the pain. May the God of comfort hold you and Anna close. Hugs.
Ticcoa Leister says
“The heart’s topography is forever altered…” Yes. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for reading and sharing your story.
Brenda says
What a beautiful testimony of friendship. I’m so sorry for your loss, Ticcoa. ((Hugs and Prayers))
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you, Brenda.
Karen Knowles says
Sorry for your loss, Ticcoa. Thank you for sharing this message with all of us. God bless you and your friend Anna. How special to have such a dear friend. Hugs and prayers for you as you go through the healing process.
Ticcoa Leister says
Thanks, Karen. Anna is special, indeed.
Beth says
My heart grieves with yours on losing your sister. God gave you Anna, and vice versa, for exactly a time as this. Despite being on rocky speaking terms with God, He has placed your feet on this path and is walking it with you. Praying you feel His gentle presence in the weeks ahead. He wants you to walk in the freedoms that Anna is always shouting about!
Ticcoa Leister says
Oh, Beth. So grateful for you, friend. Thanks for believing in and seeing me. You’re an Anna, too.
Cindy Brill says
So thankful to have an “Anna” of my own. Tell those special friends how much they mean to you and be a friend to someone today. This world needs more friends.
Ticcoa Leister says
Yes! The world needs more friends!
Kathy Cheek, Devotions from the Heart says
Thank you for sharing this touching story. Bless you as you continue your walk down the path of healing.
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you, Kathy.
Maureen Struss says
I am so sorry for your pain in the loss of your dear sister . Thank you for having the courage to share where you are at in your journey. May you be blessed with peace as you journey forward.
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you for reading, Maureen.
Diane Dokko Kim says
Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful in the brokenness.. but how God redeems it by providing extraordinary blessings in friends like Anna. Thank you for sharing. I love you both even more now <3 <3 What a way to celebreate a book-birthday partnership!!!
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you for reading, Diane! We were both amazed when we realized what day it was being published. Couldn’t have been more perfect!
Rebecca Jones says
We have the Holy Spirit as intermediary, thankfully He uses people too. Everyone needs a friend with a heart for God. Loss is a terrible thing, I recommend Dr. Michelle Bengston, Hope Prevails, she deals with grief and depression.
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you, Rebecca!
Marley Truax says
That was so beautifully written! So thankful you have someone who sticks by you and reminds you of Christ’s love. Praying for you sweet friend!!! Miss you ❤️
Ticcoa Leister says
Thanks, Marley! Miss you too.
Mary Geisen says
Thank you for your beautiful story of friendship. We all need an Anna in our lives. Your words share so much hope.
Ticcoa Leister says
Thanks for reading, Mary!
Janine Doyle says
So beautifully written in the midst of your brokenness. The friendship that you and Anna share is a treasure …. such a joy to experience on those two days we had together on your epic road trip adventure! Such a teary eyed read for me as I remembered August 9th and my own missed phone calls from my niece. Thinking that something had happened to my Mom, never imagining that it was my baby brother that had died. Having to call my Mom in the early morning hours to tell her that her son had died is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so grateful for Anna. For her innate ability to be the friend you need and the way she listens to the gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit on how to reach others in the places we all go to hide. I have prayed for you many times since hearing of the loss of your sister. Anxiously awaiting your epic road trip with Anna in the passengers seat! It is your time to shine!
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you for sharing, Janine. It was still so fresh when we came through California. So many moments of that epic trip are mixed with bittersweet memories. The prayers of so many people gave me the strength to press on. (That and the fact that mys sister would’ve kicked my rear if I’d given up on that trip!)
Janine Doyle says
You did an amazing job of pushing through for Anna. For you. For your sister. In my journey of grief, it’s the little reminders that ease the sadness. This month on the 7 month anniversary, I was texting someone and kept trying to type “do”. It kept changing to Doug. Messin’ with me from heaven is what he was doing. Your words in this blog were a balm for my soul. Thank you for that. Looking forward to your next one!
Wendy Knight says
Omg girl! You’ve been on my heart so much and I’m so happy to read this ! You have to know that God had you in the right place at the right time! Thank you Anna for being there for our girl! God bless you and know even though we don’t speak often I’m one of your biggest cheerleaders! And you know how loud I can be! Love u! Wendy
Ticcoa Leister says
Thanks, Wendy! You can be on my launch team and shout it from the rooftops! Love you!
Yvonne says
Hits home for me as I have been struggling with a loss for the past 7 months. My friend, Faith is praying for me but the wound is deep and she and my sister are the only ones who know what I am going through.
Ticcoa Leister says
I’m so sorry, Yvonne. So glad you have Faith and your sister to support you.
Beth Williams says
Ticcoa,
Praying for you now sweet sister. So sorry for the loss of your beloved Jess. May He send comfort & peace to your weary soul. Jesus needed someone the night before His betrayal. He asked friends to stay awake & pray with Him. How much more do we need someone to stand in the gap? Praising God for the friendships He sends to us at just the right time. God asks us to be the hands & feet of Jesus while on earth. We need to do what we can when we can & give encouragement to others often. May He woo you back to Himself & help ease the pain of loss. You are a beautiful child of God made in His image. You are important & worth fighting for-don’t listen to the lies, but the love of God & Anna.
Blessings 🙂
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you so much, Beth.
Rachel says
Beautiful. We all could use a friend like that…
Ticcoa Leister says
Thanks for reading, Rachel.
Nancy Ruegg says
I’m so glad you shared your story of Anna. You’ve encouraged the encouragers, Ticcoa! Praise God for the support he provides through our friends and family. They become “Jesus with skin on,” as I heard one pastor describe the encouragers’ ministry. God bless you richly for sharing honestly and humbly through your painful grief. He WILL grant you to be the kind of friend to someone else that Anna has been to you. Such an unselfish desire of your heart God will undoubtedly award (Psalm 37:4)!
Thea says
Dear Ticcoa
I am so sorry for your lost. I cant imagine what it would be like to loose a sister. But one thought I leave you with is this. Is Christ enough alone or should we lean on man so we don’t have to lean on God. I do believe God bring people along to help us on our way. But we have to be careful that we are not relying on them too much and not God. Will be praying for you during this time. I know God will get you through this. Take care and God bless.
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you, Thea.
Connie says
Thanks for your testimony of encouragement and love! Bless you two strong, warm wonderful women! ((hugs))
Ticcoa Leister says
Thank you for reading, Connie!