I was eleven, which is longer ago than I care to admit. Even still it gives me goosebumps.
I was diagnosed with a rare nerve disease that had left me unable to use my left leg. Crutches, strong pain killers, and a device that sent an electric current to stimulate nerves was how I got through my days. The doctors were talking about surgical options, and the word amputation had been whispered when no one thought I was listening. It’s amazing how much you hear when you’re eleven.
Doctors and physical therapists were my friends, and hospitals were no longer as scary as pain. This was my normal. So was prayer. People had been praying for me to be healed. I liked the idea, so I prayed, too. But nothing seemed to change. Until December 23, 1990.
During a candlelight Christmas service I heard a voice. It wasn’t booming, rather it was simple and clear coming from somewhere that I knew was just for me.
“Put down your foot and walk.”
I waited as fear held on, but hope held stronger. After the service I went to the hallway, just me and my crutches. For the first time in months I placed my left foot on the floor, and I walked.
There was no pain, no weakness, and no discomfort. Later the doctors and physical therapists said they could not explain it. My muscles were stronger than before I was diagnosed. I was healed, and I have been walking pain-free for over 25 years! Hope won. Healing won. God won.
Healed.
Now, if this were a movie, I’d go through a reel of my life in fast forward to September 1999. This part always leaves more questions than answers. But a few things are certain.
I passed out while driving 50 mph and had a head on collision. I woke up in the car with the taste of blood in my mouth and wondering why my rearview mirror was on the floor. The pain registered next, and a nice woman put a cool washcloth on my forehead until the fire department arrived.
Then came the Jaws of Life and breaking glass and so many questions.
I passed out. No, I had not been drinking. No, I do not remember the accident. No, I do not know why.
Miraculously, I left the trauma room that day with stitches and pain medication. The one thing they did not give me, however, were answers.
Doctors and tests followed, and then the answer: Epilepsy
Unfortunately, epilepsy can merely be managed rather than understood and cured. So we managed. We managed my suspended license and new medications. We managed the fear and uncertainty. We managed driving down that same road every day without more than a new bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet. There were no answers, so we managed. And we prayed.
We prayed for miracles and healing. We thanked God for keeping me safe in such a serious accident and prayed He would take away the seizures and the fear.
Sometimes healing looks more like walking down a long windy road than taking a pain-free step.
Epilepsy was my long windy road, and the only thing I could do was keep walking. So, I’ve walked in and out of fear and self-pity. I’ve walked through my weakness into His strength. And I’ve walked into a place of accepting how little I understand while still trusting that He gets it all.
God may not be healing me of my epilepsy, but He is healing me. Hope won. Healing won. God won.
When we think of healing only as the relief of a disease or pain, we are only letting God have part of who we are. When we embrace the idea that healing is far bigger than any single circumstance we face, we enable God to heal the deepest parts of who we are.
Maybe healing hasn’t come the way you hoped it would. Hold on friend. Hold tight and keep walking because every step you take closer to Jesus brings healing to your soul.
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Wow so glad you shared your story, it is amazing God healed you at 11 and saved you in the accident, I won’t pretend to know what roller coaster you may have been on since being diagnosed with epilepsy a friend I know has this and now one of her daughters has it. She had a time where things were tough and she wasn’t allowed to drive but she is better now and back to driving and looking after her big family. She is a God fearing Christian and there is so much about her that I admire. Thank you for opening my eyes to Gods healing being bigger than an illness or disease. Healing of our souls and being closer to Jesus that is what I want.
When we embrace the idea that healing is far bigger than any single circumstance we face, we enable God to heal the deepest parts of who we are.
There is something so comforting about this. I pray the Lord will look over you and your family and continue to bless and keep you well and safe, I also pray that the Lord will be by my side and Allow me to embrace the idea of far greater healing for me and a closeness with Jesus. Amen
Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers! God can show us so many things when we let go of what we think it should look like. Praying God will show you more of who He is and bring that healing to your heart everyday!
Becky, I praise the Lord that He has brought such healing into your life and continues to heal. Chronic disease is a cross that can lead to deep healing and I thank you for saying that it requires trusting when we don’t understand. Knowing, trusting, that our Father in heaven is so much bigger and carries us in our sufferings and redeeming them is such a comfort. May He bless each of us today as we open our hands to healing in the broken, letting His love shine through in those places as we wait and hope 🙂
It’s so funny how God reveals things. I’ve known about my epilepsy for 18 years, but I have never thought of it as a chronic illness. It does require so much trust, and knowing that we can go to Him through all of our uncertainties, questions, doubts and fears makes trusting feel safe. Praying He reminds you of who He is in your life today!
I, too, have learned that healing, true healing, might not be what we think it should look like. But it’s always better, because it’s what we actually need, not just what we think we need :).
Yes! So often we limit ourselves to what we think we need. But God sees so much more!
Becky,
This is powerful…yes, God heals the physical pain and other times, like with Paul, He allows the thorn in your side to remain. The thorn in my side that has not been healed is OCD/depression pain and residual nerve pain in my foot. God has had to and continues to heal my heart, my hope, and my trust. These thorns keep me running back to God and having to rely on Him for everything. Dependence is not a dirty word when we are depending on God. He knew what I needed or didn’t need in order to stay close to Him…for each of this it looks a little different. So thankful for your miraculous physical healing and the healing work He is doing in your heart.
Blessings and thank you for sharing,
Bev
Bev, thank you for sharing a piece of your story! Those thorns sure can hurt sometimes, but God….
I just keep coming back to that: But God.
He sees all and knows all. That trusting can be difficult, but the process is so very worth it.
Praying He guides you closer to Him in heart healing today!
When God allows us to go through things that seem impossible, these are the times when we depend on Him the most. In the end, we are more appreciative & He gets all the glory.
Yes, it is exactly in those times that He gets the glory. We cannot look to ourselves because it is all Him!
Becky,
Thank-you for sharing your story and of how the Lord stepped in.
It deeply moved me.
When I was 18 I made a bad choice and was in a similar accident, only I wasn’t driving. I remember a flash, followed by darkness. At the hospital they kept me from seeing myself in a mirror, and all but a few scars have healed. I look at them as a reminder of how fortunate I was the Lord was looking out for me that day.
Have a blessed day,
Penny
Oh, Penny. How deeply God loves you.
Those places where we know we played a role in our pain can be so difficult, but there is nothing beyond His reach. God looks out for us everyday – mistakes and all.
I remember those moments in the hospital, and how very scary they were. I would never want someone else to experience that, but I am so grateful for the ways in which God weaves stories together like this. He was there in that car. He was there in the hospital and He is with you everytime you glance in the mirror and flash your beautiful smile.
God has so much love for you and that will never change. Keep walking forward with Him in that love and healing!
Becky, thank you for sharing your story. How sweet of our Father to show you physical healing when you were eleven, and how to trust Him when He brought other kinds of healing for your epilepsy. I’ve come to better understand that His ways are way Higher than ours, and I’m learning to trust and walk in that truth.
After tearing my ACL in January and going through surgery to repair it in February, healing has come much more slowly than this Type-A woman expected. But, as you shared, God has been doing other healing, from other tears and wounds in my heart. It hurts like the PT for my knee, but I can see the progress as God renews my thoughts and perceptions. And, my knee is healing too . . . just slower than I anticipated.
I appreciate your words today!
It can be so hard to experience the pain as we walk forward toward healing! I understand that Type-A expectation of experiencing progress. It is so beautiful to see what God shows us along the way, though. Thanks for being here….and blessings as you walk further into healing everyday!
Miracles happen, love heals, but we still have an enemy that wants to steal. I’ve seen people battles disease, be healed, ill again and pass on. I’ve seen amazing miracles, three people healed of cancer. I too have been healed, I hang onto that with faith in Isaiah 53, I used
to think he allowed things to happen for us to learn, now I think we have to learn more about Him and being so close prevents things from happening. However you feel about healing, it is real, it is there for everyone who believes, and I pray He makes Himself known to all the readers today.
Thanks for sharing your heart today Rebecca! We are so very close to all of it here in our humanity. But God sees so much more, and for that I am so grateful! Glad you’re here!
So beautiful, Becky! I’ve been waiting to read your post and thank you for sharing your story. Amazing message of hope. So true, God’s ways are higher and not always the way our human eyes envision. Praise God for the healing He has done in your life! Awesome <3
Thank you Doris! Your encouragement means so much!
I’m right beside you in this desire for a straight and knowable path — and so often my best lessons and biggest blessings come on the path of unknowing. Thank you for this honest post about trusting God with our question marks.
Yes! Trusting God with our question marks! I love it! I am so glad we can give Him all of it….our praise and our questions. He is good all the time (even when the path is uncertain!)
Although I do not have epilepsy myself, my grandson who is 3 suffers from very severe seizures. He is so terribly medicated, I just can barely stand it. I have MS and a totally collapsed spine which MS can cause. Kind of hunch back idea. I work teach Bible Study & scrapbooking classes & praise God every day that he gives me strength, love for people, gifts to teach, oh too much to count, so I can do all these things for His glory. Just like King David asked, my daily prayer is that my heart would be closer to God’s heart every day. I love my online Devotionals so much, Proverbs 31, all these wonderful things that help us study God’s word & inspire us. Thank you for your beautiful devotional that helps so many that suffer with chronic pain & severe body problems.
Nancy, God sees all of it. Every bit. And He’s still there! He’s there with your grandson. Medicating epilepsy is so difficult. My sister also has epilepsy (although we are not biologically related) and she has had so many challenges with medication. I am praying for healing for your grandson in every way, even if it means finding the best medicines.
And you…your joy is beautiful! God is healing parts of us that we can’t even see. And your story will bless others. Keep walking with Him friend! I pray that you find healing in new ways everyday!
Donna, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Daily pain is such a hard thing…it puts our doubts in our face all the time. But God is so much bigger. Your faith is beautiful. And healing comes in all forms. I pray for healing for all those places in your journey, as well as for your pain and heart problems. Walk with Him, friend. Walk with Him.
I began my journey with CFS at age 13 – so this resonates with me deeply. Time and time again I have prayed for healing. God has brought me to a place of accepting the physical challenges while he works on the spiritual. That doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated with my body but I sure am grateful for the healing he has brought to my soul 🙂
It can be so frustrating sometimes, but in those moments we can bring that frustration to God. He can take it! Praying for healing for you today friend!
Becky,
Powerful message today. Prayers for God to send strength peace and contentment. Like Paul I had a thorn for a while. God said trust me and you will find joy, & hope. I took a leap of faith and trusted that God’s plans are better than mine. He has healed my soul and brought about an inner peace that can only come from Him.
Blessings 🙂
Doesn’t that inner peace feel wonderful?! Sometimes we’re so busy chasing the healing that we miss what He’s doing in us. When we can stop chasing and start seeking Him, we will always be blessed!
Such a beautiful story! I was healed of cancer when doctors thought I would die. I live with chronic health issues though that are left from all the cancer treatments I endured. Healing does not mean we will be 100% healthy. We are imperfect and so are our bodies. God is always perfect. Thank you for sharing your story. I have a 12 year old grandson who has seizures. It is a scary illness. You have a good attitude.
First, praise God for your healing from cancer! It gives me goosebumps! I am sure the chronic issues you face are challenging sometimes. I pray God draws you closer to Him through every single obstacle. You are so right that our bodies are subject to the same humanity that our souls are. But we have a promise in Jesus! Praying for your grandson as well. It can be scary, as you know. Praying he walks in complete healing closer to God!
Thank you, Rebecca. Prayers for my grandson are very much appreciated.
Greetings, I don’t share this any more than necessary; but I am epileptic. I was diagnosed when I was 18 months old. I will be 45 years old this year. I have no warning when I seize either. The ones I’ve been known to deal with range from petty-mal (mild, if you blink you miss it typed of deal, start to finish in 15 minutes or less) and petite-mal (more severe and more obvious). By the grace of God, no one has ever reported a grand-mal seizure. Some of the petite-mal seizures have been very scary, though. I’ve had reports of leaving buildings, blacking out and falling less than 100 feet from traffic, and/or getting in vehicles with teens/men I barely knew or didn’t know at all. Those scare me to no end. I simply have no clue what I’m doing in those moments; but during some of the seizures that I’ve had, I don’t know I’m out of it and I can be very testy from what I’ve been told. Of course, I have no memory of them afterwards. What I want those who have never had to deal with this is: (1.) every seizure patient experiences different symptoms when they seize (and in my case, I experience different symptoms every time I seize); (2.) there are many things that can trigger it— not just stress (triggers can include stress, allergies, not eating well or enough, not sleeping well or enough, any form of illness, and other varying factors); and (3.) triggers and causes are not the same. Some people have seizure issues because of genetics (it runs on one or both sides of their family, as in my case), others have it as a result of overcoming addictions, some have incurred some form of brain/neurological damage. Those who seize have no memory of their seizures afterwards. I will pray for you as you pray for me. Be blessed.
Keri, thank you for sharing your story. Epilepsy is something that is not often talked about, and sometimes I think it’s because they know so little about it. The road you’re walking is challenging. It is so true that it helps if people attempt to understand the mystery of epilepsy (and be ok with not know–the hardest part for me!). Praying that you are healed, however God wants that to look for you today, and knowing that both of us will one day walk streets of gold without ever having to fear a seizure again!
So thankful for your words and for you using your writing talent to glorify God. It is comforting to know that even when healing looks different than we want, God is moving and working to draw us closer to him.
Cassie! Thank you so much for your kind words! Our time in New Zealand fell between both of these events in my life. I am grateful to say that I am closer to Jesus now than I was then (although it may look different as an adult). God is always moving and His ultimate goal is deeper relationship with us. Sending you hugs today!