Motherhood was a difficult transition for me. As a recovering perfectionist, part of me thought it would come more naturally — that somehow I would just be good at it.
Instead, I found myself struggling — hard. I found I did terribly with little sleep. I was frequently overwhelmed and stressed. It took so much more out of me than I ever thought I had to give.
The needs oozing from the tiny fingers of my vivacious daughter were both life-giving and life-sucking.
After what felt like a battlefield in her first year of life, I finally started to come out of a fog when my daughter was nearly 17 months old.
I remember that fall, when the Denver sun still grew toasty but the nights invited candles and sweaters, we began to think about Thanksgiving and travel plans. I had been reading on gratitude from both a faith perspective as well as its significant value from a psychological perspective. As a mental health therapist and a Christian, I’d already believed gratitude to be an effective coping skill and a way to connect to God’s presence. But when I assessed my reality, I saw I hadn’t been practicing it regularly in my own life for a while.
It felt like God was giving me a strong nudge — or maybe a flashing sign — telling me to pay attention.
In an attempt to implement a change, we began a thankful jar in our house. As the leaves fell around the Rockies, the jar filled with the many things I’d always been grateful for in some sense, but hadn’t necessarily made time to celebrate or notice.
This practice of daily considering God’s faithfulness, in big and small ways, seemed to also correspond with a resurrection inside me. Granted, it may partly have been coincidence. We were finally getting a descent amount of sleep after a wasteland of sleeplessness through my daughter’s first year. And, I happened to be doing much personal work inside of myself that particular fall. I could almost see my fingers loosening around the expectations I had once clung to so tightly. I began to realize, in an experiential way, I didn’t have to be a perfect mother or counselor or wife.
I felt the balm of realizing I am deeply loved no matter what.
And so as all the strands were woven together, I began to see gratitude in a way I never had before. Rather than just a good idea, I started to view my connection to the Giver of all gifts with a depth and breadth that had previously escaped me. I also saw how God was loving me and calling out to me in a fresh way.
I began to notice my heart living out gratitude rather than just talking about it. Yes, life was still hard and complicated and tiring, too.
Yes, my daughter still threw tantrums and meals burnt, and bills still came — but experiencing the fullness of Jesus in my life and how He met me in the place of thankfulness enriched and renewed me.
When the calendar finally landed on Thanksgiving, and we traveled across the country to see family, I felt the weightiness of the day. While I’ve always enjoyed the holiday, I found a richness there and a connectedness that I continue to draw on.
This year, as the leaves turn, I’m reminded again of living in this place of gratitude and the joy it brings.
When my heart wanders, as it’s prone to do, I find myself drawn to the whispers of hope found in the One who loves me and calls me beloved.
This is the gift for which I’m most grateful and the reason I’m drawn back to His ways again and again. This is what sustains me and convinces me Jesus is the Author of all the good we know in this life — the Creator of every good thing.
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Michele Morin says
Oddly, perfectionism and motherhood were the factors that drove me to begin counting gifts. Sometimes God has to take us through a hard season in order for us to embrace all the blessing that lives in our every day. Thankful to be on this journey with you!
Aundi Kolber says
Amen. I’m so grateful God doesn’t waste anything when He draws us to himself. Thanks for reading!
Jenny Riggs says
I love this time of year!! And we all have a lot to be thankful for. My Sunday school class has a group text that we share one thing each day that we are thankful for, not the ordinary things but those things we may take for granted: clean drinking water, a hot cup of coffee, a warm coat. As the Creator of the universe, He gives us all good things and it’s up to us to share our abundance with others. Thank you for sharing your heart!! Happy Thanksgiving Ya’ll!!!!
Aundi Kolber says
What a great idea, Jenny! I love the idea of paying attention to the thing we usually take for granted. Thanks so much for being here and reading.
Mary Hardy says
Such an inspiring story.
Aundi Kolber says
Thanks so much, Mary. So glad you’re here.
Diane Bailey says
Beautiful words, difficult job. But for me and I’m sure is true for you, Motherhood is a job that has helped me to grow more like my Savior. And is a job, I recognize, as unaccomplishable without him guiding me.
Aundi Kolber says
Absolutely, Diane. One of the things I’ve appreciated about motherhood (and has also been one of the hardest pieces too) is realizing how much I need Jesus to walk with me through it. Thanks for reading!
Penny says
Aundie,
You have put this so beautifully put into words. thank-you. With the everyday turmoil it can be overlooked, but with so much to be grateful for, it shouldn’t be.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all today,
Penny
Aundi Kolber says
Thanks so much for reading and begin here, Penny.
Julie Garmon says
Oh, so beautiful. I can relate–even though our children are grown.
Blessings~~
Aundi Kolber says
I’m so grateful this resonates with you, Julie. I think it’s one of those life lessons that stay with us. Thankful you’re here!
Beth Williams says
Aundi,,
Thanks for being real! Life is hard sometimes. When I start feeling down I make a “thankful” list. I begin by putting down major items like God, Jesus, sins forgiven, etc. My list goes on to include brain, eyes ears nose, think, see, hear, smell & even small things like colors, mountains, weather changes. I have around 200+ items that I can say I’m thankful for. That seems to lift my spirits and make me realize how blessed I am!
Blessings 🙂
Aundi Kolber says
I love that, Beth. Thanks for sharing and reading!
Theresa says
It’s funny how things look different when we choose gratitude. Our situation doesn’t change, but our attitude and heart do.
Aundi Kolber says
So true. I’m so thankful God made us with such an amazing resource to tap into. Thanks for being here, Theresa!
Camille says
Grateful for this post tonight. It opened my eyes a little more to the high standards I have always placed on myself.. more and more I am realizing how much of a perfectionist I am, and being a mother of 3 young boys, perfectionism is a tall order.
Aundi Kolber says
Camille, it’s an honor to encourage you in this way. Perfectionism is a heavy load to bear and I’m grateful I can provide a touch of perspective on your journey. Blessings to you.