If my story were a planet, then your rejection of me would be my nuclear holocaust. This fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage. And so I am cautious in my love. I am timid in my faith. My life tells a small story. I long to be seen, but I feel safe when I’m invisible.
So I stay a good girl. And I hide.
I hide behind my smile and laid-back personality. I hide behind fine and good. I hide behind strong and responsible. I hide behind busy and comfortable and working hard toward your expectations. And if I do not meet your expectations, I hide behind indifferent. And though the purpose of my mask is to fool you, don’t be fooled.
The energy it takes to live for you is killing me — to see me through your eyes, to search for myself in your face, to be sure you are pleased as it regards me. I want you to always regard me.
Please, by all means, regard me. I beg you to see me, to notice my goodness, to ignore my failure, to be inspired by my beauty, to be captivated by my essence. I want my loveliness to overwhelm you such that you cannot catch your breath.
And then there is God.
I know God is big enough to redeem the unruly, the rejected, and the addict. I know about the God who reaches way down into the pit and the One whose love stretches to the heavens. But I fear he misses the details. What about the girl in the middle?
I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh, and redeem. But what if I do and he doesn’t? I feel fear. It washes over me with its lies and half-truths. The lies aren’t blatant. They marry themselves with a little bit of truth so the distinction is blurry at best. And so I practice the presence of fear and refuse the presence of Jesus.
I lived this toxic way for many years before I understood about The Rescue. I live it still, when I forget that I’ve been found. Even for those to whom truth has been revealed, fear can be a loud and abusive motivator.
Fear drives.
But Love leads.
That invisible good girl pushes me around. Fear drives, pushing and shoving. Love leads, working deeply and gently within. As I risk exposure to this Love, I catch a glimpse of his goodness, I am inspired by his beauty, I am captivated by his essence. His loveliness overwhelms me such that I cannot catch my breath.
And before I realize it, there has been a holy shift. My insatiable need to prove my own goodness to God and the world fades into the background, and instead I receive truth and offer worship to the only One deserving of it.
This post was taken directly out of Chapter 1, an exclusive excerpt from Grace for the Good Girl – and I say exclusive for two reasons: one, because the book hasn’t actually released yet (next week!) and two, who hasn’t always wanted to use ‘exclusive’ in a sentence and mean it? It is a peek inside the book, but also, a peek inside the mind of a girl held captive by her need to manage every one’s opinion of her. There’s a better way to live.
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You can purchase your copy of Grace for the Good Girl today and use the coupon code deals20 at checkout to receive 20% of your purchase. Join the community of grace-dwellers at Emily’s blog, Chatting at the Sky.
Leave a Comment
Donna says
I would love to read your book. It sounds very real and very poignant.
Melissa says
a dream to be unshackled…
Heather says
Very much looking forward to this book!
Mary says
“Please, by all means, regard me. I beg you to see me, to notice my goodness, to ignore my failure, to be inspired by my beauty, to be captivated by my essence. I want my loveliness to overwhelm you such that you cannot catch your breath.” ~ Wow! Powerful words! I can’t wait to experience Grace for the Good Girl.
Diane says
Ok, so maybe I do have “good girlitis”. I’ll bet every woman at some season in her life has had this virus. Looking forward to reading the cure 🙂
Amy Hunt says
I cry over how your own self is so much of me, and how Our Father IS releasing us to live wholly as we are, to step out, and to believe…trusting His Grace is for us, too! I was an average person who always seemed to get lost in the shuffle (at school especially), and He is showing me I am beyond “average”!
Melissa says
That was so right on! I cannot wait to get that book. That little excerpt spoke so perfectly to my heart. Glad there’s a book out there that will address this real and rampant issue for Christian women.
Thanks!
Imperfect says
Emily, you have so perfectly described the girl I was – and sometimes still am – invisible, hiding, terribly afraid and desperately hoping to be noticed. But I am discovering exactly what you said – love leads. And I’m learning how to follow, how to offer my worship in response. Thanks for the peek into your heart.
Christy says
Wow. Emily-beautiful.
Jennifer says
Oh I can’t wait!
Scooper says
I hope a million girls {at least} read this book. I love this excerpt because I identify with every word of it.
Susan says
…a paradigm beginning to shift and a glimmer of hope? Thank you, Emily.
Jenilee says
I cried. Already! I am scared to death that God is going to forget this girl in the middle! I am so in the middle! Thanks for exposing the lies. Can’t wait to read the rest.
Kristen Strong says
Love reading these words over again. Soul healing, Emily.
Love,
Kristen – HeldCaptiveByHerNeedToManageOther’sOpinionOfHer – Strong
Sylvia @ From The Heart says
My goodness! Emily’s beautiful words went right to my heart!
Danise says
For years I lived on the rollercoaster of people pleasing, Up when people were happy with me… down when someone wasn’t. Living constantly aware of what thought other people’s opinions were of me, I was exhausted. Then, his truth set me free. Free to feel loved unconditionally through His grace. Free to be a God pleaser… confident in an identity I found in Him.
Courtney says
I CANNOT wait to read this book!
Jenny @WritingJen says
Loved reading this excerpt from your soon to be released book. Thanks for sharing it!
Morgan says
I love that holy shift … from me to Him. From fear to love. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Set Free « My Next Move says
[…] stumbled across another read titled Grace for the Good Girl: a peek inside. The post captured an excerpt from Chapter 1 of her soon to be released book. This is what […]
Kim says
I have never read your work, but I will be getting your book. I read the sample and I can see that you have mad writing skills! Have your written anything else and is their a “study guide”?
emily freeman says
There is a study guide, Kim. It’s in the back of the book. The only thing I’ve every written is my blog, Chatting at the Sky.
And thanks for your kind words.
Alexandra says
Today I got an e-mail from Amazon…. I’ll have my copy of your book in my hands next week. YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I once was blind, but now I see… | God centered mom says
[…] suggest reading these posts by Emily Freeman of “Chatting at the Sky” (she is at the incourage website this week). Her book “Grace for the Good Girl” is being released on September 1st (I […]
Jessica says
This: “Please, by all means, regard me.” and this, “What about the girl in the middle?” have been the story of my life.
The please notice me, don’t forget me, I’m not significant have…I have wrestled and found freedom in all of those, but those lies so easily entangle and they’re not as noticeable now, but I know they slip in.
I’m so looking forward to reading your book…I can already see fresh healing and I know God’s going to make me go a little deeper.
Melissa says
holy. beautiful. Holy beautiful…
Ordered my copy from amazon Canada!
a random coffee date with you. « Kimberly Renee says
[…] when i need a little encouragement sometimes i go HERE. I read this post recently from there: grace the good girl. YES. i’m totally that good little girl who needs that grace. 🙂 totally awesome and so real. […]