I would love to talk real talk with you for a minute. Let’s grab a spot on my couch and I’ll make you some green tea with honey and I’ll make sure we aren’t interrupted because this is a bit of a hard thing.
I have always been a pretty expressive person, and proudly so. Emotions on my sleeve, I figured I was good at processing my hurts and letting them out and not holding stuff in. I appeared to be someone who dealt with her Big Stuff, someone who wasn’t in denial about life. I’ve been through very hard things and let God deal with them and surrendered, and I guess I thought I was done doing that. You can see where this is going…
But then this summer God pretty much hit me over the head with a truth I’m still working through. I push my true emotions down and away and into a box where I have no plans to access them ever again. Then the emotions I do let out are sort of the skimming off the top type. The fat on top of the pan that you can discard without any effects to the actual dish. The emotions that are rather safe, because they aren’t *real*. The happy spazzy side of me, the deep, peaceful, introspective side of me. Both are aspects of me, but both are hiding an insidious truth and therefore aren’t really my real self.
I was shocked to realize that I’m actually an emotion stuffer-downer. Those emotions that were always on my sleeve? They are actually the product, the effects, of what’s been shut off. Sometimes you might see anger or shame, but they aren’t at the root. That happiness you might see, yes it is real, but only surface-real. Not deep, let freedom ring, kind of real.
Here is what was at the core of me that I didn’t even know was there: good ol’ fashioned fear.
It’s as if all my true self was hiding and I created this other self to cope with life. And I know that sounds dramatic, but it was a coping that had to happen because of hard things I went through, and now God wants it all healed. The old story is done ruling me, and a new story is being formed.
What I want to know is this: Do you have deeply rooted fear? Maybe you don’t feel afraid, but do you have total peace about your career, or your marriage or your family — your life? If you don’t have peace, there is a chance you have some fear in there that could stand to be dug up. In fact, I feel like “digging” is too gentle of a metaphor. I want us to rip out the fear by the scalp and throw it across the room until it hits the wall and is dead. I want the fear gone and gone.
You see, that fear is not from the Lord. He is love, and fear is the opposite of love. And if God’s perfect love casts out all fear, it should be ridding me of fear. If I’m still afraid deep inside me, I’m not letting God get at me deep inside my heart.
So I let him go there, to those tender heart places that were so wounded I let them be covered up and forgotten in hopes the pain would hurt less. He is knitting those wounds together now, a newness that is holy and beautiful, because the fear was ripped out and a new story is forming and, oh girl, it’s a good one.
Maybe you don’t relate to any of this at all, and that’s ok. I’m so glad you’re in that healed and beautiful place.
But if you search your heart – allow God to search it – and you come up with some kind of fear at the depths of you, hiding and pretending to not be there, then you know what I’m talking about. God is ready for you to let him grab that fear and take it from you and give you a fresh well to draw upon.
Know that the process isn’t easy, but it is so rewarding I can’t say it enough — IT IS WORTH IT.
Face those fears, don’t run from them any longer. You are safe, you are loved, and you can trust the One who wants to heal you wholly and completely. Let God’s perfect love push out every inch of the fear that binds.