“Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows,
yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted.”
(Isaiah 53:4)
I thumbed through them slowly… high gloss photo perfection, perfectly white teeth shining brighter than my recently replaced tree lights.
Yep, ‘twas the season to count corny Christmas card smiles. But what the senders of those photos didn’t realize was…
…it was the toothless smiles that got to me the most.
Stair-step babies, “oops” children, ultrasound photos and hand-written announcements on green and gold stationary. “Guess what! We’re having quadruplets! And we thought we were done!”
Maybe I was just taking it a little hard this Christmas. And last Christmas. And the Christmas before.
I tried to pull out of my self-pity. I went to work. I went to church. I played carols at the hospital. Down deep, though — no matter how hard I tried to forget the ache — the holiday still came down to one thing: even a virgin had a baby.
Why had God forsaken me?
I’d like to say I put those photos on my fridge in faith. That God wrote words on my bedroom wall, promising I’d be holding my baby skin-to-skin by the following Christmas. He didn’t.
But I was.
And as I hold her this Christmas, skin-to-skin, this little curly-haired wonder, my heart still aches. For you.
The one who is still waiting.
Maybe not for a child… maybe for a spouse or job or better health. Maybe simply for a place to belong… a place to call home.
Maybe you’re grieving the loss of all these things.
Only you know the ache in your heart this Christmas.
While I can’t put faith on your refrigerator door or paint murals on your walls, I want you to know we are here. In this community, in your grief, in the words you cannot breathe out loud.
Our God, the one who made us and sees our pain, came down to share it with us.
And we want more than anything to share yours with you.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we will be able
to comfort those who are in any affliction,
with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
(2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Ruth says
Thank you. Sometimes the pain is just so much. The memories of Christmas past, full technicolour memories with deep, raw pain attached, it hurts
Peggy says
Ruth,
My heart aches with you. I feel deeply your pain etched in the words of your short sentence. My prayer for you, Ruth, is that the deep raw pain begins to smooth out and that you feel the Father’s arms surround you and hold you in His embrace. May each twinkling light draw you closer to His love and your healing as I along with other wonderful ladies hold you in prayer.
Beth Williams says
Ruth,
Prayers for healing from the pain. My heart goes out to you. May God surround you with His loving, caring arms and give you the peace that you so desire.
Prayers for someone to talk with and share the good and bad.
God Bless you !
Elizabeth says
Yes, thank you, I needed to be reminded of the perfect love of God this morning. Thank you, also, for not forgetting what it means to ache deeply and loving us the grieved, even after your prayers have been so greatly answered. He always gives us hope, praise Him for that.
Shawnda says
Thank you. I needed that this morning. We have been waiting for our miracle for a long time now. After 4 years of trying we miscarried our first child this last May. All Christmas’ have been hard since we have been trying but this one is much more painful. We are praying for his perfect timing to bless us with this child to carry in my womb. This child we have desired for so long. I know he has perfect timing and it will be so much more amazing than anything we have ever imagined or dreamed.
Anna says
Thank you. I was driving alone yesterday burdened for a woman who just lost her 18 month old, burdened for a friend who cannot believe in A God who allows pain, burdened for all the people who are desperately longing for love and children and etc and etc. So thank you for these beautiful and simple words.
Lauren says
Christmas always holds heartache for me, even as I celebrate. My first baby would have been 7 years old this Christmas. It is always a bittersweet time for me. As I put up the tree with her two siblings and open gifts on Christmas morning, her memory remains with me
Sarah Hurst says
Well my husband died October 9th this year. First year without him. It’s a dry season waiting to see what will happen next.
alli says
So sorry i pray God holds you extra close to His heart this year.
Beth Williams says
Sarah,
So so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. May God come near to you this Christmas. My prayer is that God will deliver you the peace you desire and deserve.
Loving Father,
Please come near to Sarah this Christmas. Give her the peace and tranquility she needs right now. Help her to draw super close to you. Surround her with your loving arms and shower her with the grace and mercy.
AMEN!
Chelle says
I’m not still waiting for anything that I’m aware of, but you still made me cry. Thank you for still aching for those who are still waiting. And thank you for remindng me to ache for them also.
Gerrie says
To Shawnda: I went through the exact same thing from 1956 to 1960. I grieved 4 years without a pregnancy. Then I had a miscarriage without knowing I was pregnant. I was oddly comforted by the fact that I could get pregnant, and shortly realized that at the time I got pregnant, I had had German Measles, which causes deafness and other disabilities. Ten months later I had my first child and in three years I was the mother of three. Sixteen years later I had my fourth living child, and then another miscarriage. Be assured that there is a plan, and it will be full of joy and sorrow. My first living child died at 35 with a brain tumor. My last living child is disabled at 35. Trust the Lord. He has a plan.
alli says
Wow. Even in the unanswered prayers they may indicate Gods love more than the answered ones, its so hard to imagine God has a plan highercthen ourchappiness, like children we cry, i dont CARE, if you plan to destroy the world in three months I WANT a baby. Im learning how to fit in His plan not nevessarily demand my own
Leslie McCarthy says
Thank you for this. I have had many blessings in my life, and many losses and trials. This Christmas, and many more to come, I miss my son, incarcerated. If not for the Lord, I just couldn’t bear it. God bless you for this.♥
karyn says
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-GTtPgHfwQ
alli says
God asks hard things but He is still Good.
Lindsey Bell says
4 miscarriages…still waiting…and hanging on. Thank you for this.
Melody says
Even though I’ve never lost a child I did go through several years of infertility. I am so thankful and blessed to have three healthy teenage children. What I mourn is the loss of my marriage when my husband of 15 years chose to end our marriage. Every day is a struggle as a single parent but the holidays are doubly hard financially and emotionally.
Shelli Littleton says
This is beautiful. I struggled with infertility … had a tubal pregnancy … I hurt for so many years and cried endless tears. I have two beautiful girls through adoption. My heart is so content.
I got tickled at “even a virgin had a baby.” That is priceless.
Sara says
Oh how I know this pain. After years of infertility, we decided to build our family through adoption and then found out one of our adopted children had an incurable disease. He died last year. Life is messy and hard. It’s taken me a year to start writing about it again, to show others that life and hope are there and we just need to extend grace to one another on this long journey. This is especially true at Christmas when we all try to pretend that life is great. So many are hurting. The stories I hear from readers remind me of that. This blog, too. Hang on to hope this Advent.
Elizabeth says
Thank you. As the mom of a severely disabled daughter and a friend of a mom whose daughter is dying of a degenerative disease all I have been seeing is what we have lost each Christmas. Thank you for reminding me what we have gained. Christ.
betsydecruz says
Thank you so much for this beautiful and comforting post. A friend of mine has been praying to have a baby for 10 years. My heart aches for her, but not like her own heart aches…
julie morgan says
Thank you for this
Christmas is a hard time. Everyone says joy, peace,love yet it can be a time for many of melancholy. Parents gone, children who have turned away from God …to many happy gilt pictures on facebook. YET HE IS HERE IN THE QUIET O F THE NIGHT.
Bekah Hamrick Martin says
I have agonized over each of your comments. Thank you for sharing your hearts here.
Damaris says
Thank you for letting me stop and feel. Sometimes I just go through my day and get entangled with the busyness and not let myself feel. My husband and I are trying to rebuild our marriage after a separation but my kids are so hurt and angry..teenagers they don’t even want to sit and eat dinner together. That was our Thanksgiving I’m praying the rest of the season will be better. Holding on..
Bekah Hamrick Martin says
Damaris, I’m praying for a better last of the season as well. My heart goes out to you.
Holley Gerth says
I can so relate to this post, friend, and I’m so glad you comforted other hurting hearts with your words here!
Bekah Hamrick Martin says
Love you, Holley Gerth. So much.
Cathy Stanfield says
I also can relate to thus post,hoping and praying with those who grieve. Thank you for posting this and for those who have responded.
Bekah Hamrick Martin says
Cathy, prayers for you today, however you grieve. Love.
Beth Williams says
This Christmas brings a waiting on the Government. My aging father is developing dementia. He’s also going downhill in many other ways. My oldest sister and I are working on paperwork, mountains of it, to get him into an assisted living.
I can relate to others pain. So many hurting people out there. Even in my small church. People missing loved ones, others dealing with cancer or other diseases. Prayers for everyone!!
God bless and have a Merry Christmas with Christ’s peace! 🙂
Bekah Hamrick Martin says
Beth, I am so sorry for your pain. Saying a prayer for you today.
Paula Jennings says
My sons are now 21 and 15 but there were so many years that this was the description of my Christmas Season. Dreaded having to go to any store for anything. Well meaning Christians even started telling me to just ‘hang it up’ and realize it was not God’s will for me to have a child. But as you know from the first sentence God did have other plans. I had to learn to wait on Him. He had a plan. It just was in His time and not mine. I tried every which way to get the desire for a child out of my heart. It just wouldn’t leave. I realized that if God is the one that fills our hearts with desire that He would have to be the one to fulfill the desire itself – again in His way and in His time.
Bekah Hamrick Martin says
Love this, Paula.