There are many days where we do just fine. We have a rhythm that works. Eggs are scrambled and coffee is poured. We cuddle on the couch and I pat David’s back or give Matthias soft scratches. There are baths with bubbles and clean clothes folded in drawers. The house is tidy {enough} and we have time to run and play in the park.
But woven in between the mundane, beautiful moments of the everyday are moments of anger and frustration. They sneak up on me when I least expect it.
Last week I found myself taking a look around the house and feeling a satisfied contentment with the imperfect. I’d had a productive morning of washing sheets, remaking beds and packing up too-small clothing to give to a thrift store. As I sat on the couch feeling like I had a hold on life, David pushed a toy off the table and it landed hard on my toe.
And I lost it. I screamed. Anger flooded my body and I wanted to break something. What happened to that calm, together person I was just a moment ago?! I felt out of control. I walked up the stairs and flung myself on the bed. Tears flowed and I felt angry, hopeless and broken. It’s impossible. I’ll never be good enough. I am a failure as a mother.
Mothering is difficult. It takes everything you have and demands more. Mothering a special needs child may be an even greater demand. When I’m done, finished and empty, there is more to do. In moments of emptiness and fatigue I find myself needy and desperate. And I find God meeting me there, with grace for that moment. Where I am weak, He is strong.
I need the beautiful, mundane moments to soak up life and see His blessings. I need the broken, desperate moments to see my need for God.
Will you join me in this messy, imperfect journey? I suspect we all find ourselves broken, desperate and needy from time to time. Can I remind you that God will meet you today with His beautiful grace that covers over a multitude of sins? And you can remind me that when I am weakest, His strength will carry me. What is impossible for you and I, is entirely possible for Him.
Leave a CommentThat’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses,
and in the insults, hardships, persecutions,
and troubles that I suffer for Christ.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
{2 Corinthians 12:10}