I’m afraid I’ll break down, God.
I’m afraid I’ll cry so hard. And I don’t want to.
I’m going to see little children who want to see Your love. In two days, I’m stepping on an airplane to fly to a foreign country on wings whose bones have just been set. The ink of my own journey to heal from painful childhood memories has hardly had time to dry. The last panic attack I had was last March.
Yet, You’re inviting me to go where I haven’t been, to look into the eyes who long to know they have a voice.
I’m afraid I can’t bear the weight of their stories. Of my own story, when I’m just learning to gather the courage to speak — in the voice of the little girl who is still alive in me.
Messy
I’m scared it will be messy, and I won’t know how to hold in my heart all my eyes will see — and the memories it might trigger.
What if I break down and the children end up seeing my cry? When I ought to be Your ambassador to shine Your light and offer cups of soul refreshment?
Maybe what I’m really afraid of is who I am when I touch the hand of someone who suffers the pain of not having a voice.
Maybe when I stand in the presence of such quiet strength and bravery of the little children You love — and the courageous families who hold onto hope like morning dew clings to clover — with tender beauty — the me who is vulnerable, needy, and feels so inadequate will emerge.
What if I’m not enough?
Then, I found a letter.
A Letter
It was left in the quiet places of my heart, whispered in the most tender Voice.
A love note from God. As I read it, I realized it was meant for you too.
Because aren’t each of us journeying through our own stories — walking into foreign territory in our hearts — parts we’ve hidden that are vulnerable, needy, and feeling inadequate?
In two days, we will wake up to Valentine’s Day — and the stories of love that have broken us, healed us, and even the ones that have shamed us, with words we wish we never heard or heartbreaks we longed to never taste — will surface.
Before I travel with Compassion International to meet children of special needs in the Dominican Republic to write about how their stories will irrevocably shape mine — and ours — I want to share God’s love note with you.
May this letter tenderly nurture the One thing God longs to love: you.
Dear You,
I want you to know. You’ll never be unloved.
You’ll never face a lonely night alone again. Because I will be there.
I always have. And it breaks My heart in a thousand pieces for all the times I couldn’t take you away from all that has broken your heart, made you cry, and caused you pain.
I’ve collected all your tears in a bottle, and I hold all your sorrows, so that you can be loved anew again.
I wish you could look into My eyes and see how much I love you, from the very beginning, as I gently and beautifully made you — deep within. How I traced every part of myself onto your heart and hid it as treasure inside your soul. So that no matter what the journey through this life would take you through — your heart would always be next to mine.
My love makes you beloved. My beloved.
Will you make some space in your moments. In your days — to let Me in?
Will you let Me love you?
I want you to come close — closer than you’ve ever been before. Don’t be afraid. I long to be with you. As is. Your heart is My home.
I love you. Simply. Truly.
Meet me in the quiet. Be the beloved. Just rest.
Forever Yours, Jesus.
As I read this letter, I realized, maybe I don’t have to be afraid of breaking down.
I’ll be able to say “Jesus loves you” in a language that reaches soul deep.
I will speak in a voice that recognizes the little child who longs to be heard.
I will be able to see all the beauty, joy, light, and goodness Jesus carries in His heart for each child He unconditionally cherishes.
Simply as His Beloved.
Maybe what I really need is to break down. Then, I’ll really be present with Jesus and those He loves.
Myself included.
How is God calling you to rest — and be His Beloved?
Be the Beloved. Just rest.
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Has God been tapping on your heart — to be God’s love letter to a child in need? Sponsor a child with Compassion this week & receive an exclusive Lisa Leonard Necklace using this link.
Join me as I live blog my heart unscripted on my trip with Compassion this week in the Dominican Republic with Holley Gerth, Lisa Leonard, and Ruth Soukup!
Anna says
Bonnie,
As I was reading in Scripture recently, this verse struck me and slowly it has dawned on me that this is what the Lord has been doing to me and continues to do, so that He may put the pieces back together, to restore me as His daughter, whole and held together in the palm of His hand:
“Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces” Matthew 21:44
What an amazing Saviour we have! I see that breaking and making whole in you and praise Him for it because it shows me how powerful He is.
Thank you for sharing and encouraging me in my faith (also through your book, that is also now blessing my Dad).
Bonnie Gray says
Anna, it’s such a tender place to connect with you AND your father in the stories that matter most to God — and to our hearts. i can’t tell you how honored i feel to be kindreds on this journey of soul rest. Thank you for your encouragement, your story and God’s word croissant that you shared.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Bonnie,
God knows just what He is doing in sending you, at this point when the ink is not yet dry, to children who need to know – from you – that they are loved. Broken meets broken; vulnerable ministers to vulnerable; hurting loves on hurting. I believe it is often in these scenarios that God’s love flows the best. You have SO much to share and I KNOW you will be filled in return. God’s life economy is miraculous. I will pray for you in your journey and don’t be afraid of tears…even our tears transmit God’s love…
Blessings,
Bev
Bonnie Gray says
@bevduncan:disqus thank you for praying for me.. you know how to join me on this journey…. let’s go experience Jesus on this journey together… #kindreds
Penny Doremus says
Such beautiful, honest words. When I read what you write, I can read you, your emotion, your heart in each and every word. I needed that love letter today, so much. Tears are spilling down my cheeks with those words tumbling around my head and my heart. Blessings to you on your trip, Bonnie. You will be used mightily.
Penny
Bonnie Gray says
@pennydoremus:disqus let’s experience this trip, together… i can’t do it any other way… i’m grateful kindreds like you are doing this together… #kindreds #unscriptedcompassion
Kimmygirl says
Bonnie, The way you write is such a gift- to me. You point us to Jesus, and make me aware of His love for me in such a tender way. Thank you- and many prayers will accompany you and those who are with you on your trip. Love and blessings!
Bonnie Gray says
Kimmygirl – the way you share your words with me and let me know you’re on this journey together — is such a gift to me. let’s do this.. let’s experience this trip together. thankful for you. #kindreds #unscriptedcompassion
Ifeoma Samuel says
Hi Bonnie, I love this so much so that I pinned it. God Bless for pouring out this message.
Bonnie Gray says
@ifeomasamuel:disqus thank you for sharing this with your friends! Let’s do this together & touch hearts with Jesus on this journey! #kindreds #unscriptedcompassion
Katie Scott Randolph says
Thank you Bonnie! I am crying reading this. My husband has been admitted to psych ward two days ago for the issues he was having. I fell asleep asking God for help and saying over and over the children’s song Jesus Loves Me this I know for the Bible tells me so. I know you will be a blessing to those children. Just be you and real, like you always tell us to do. Your words once again have helped me realize I am not alone in the middle of the night when I needed someone.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Katie,
Lifting you and your husband up right now…
Blessings…you are not alone,
Bev
Katie Scott Randolph says
Thank you
Judy morgan says
Katie, this is a very hard thing you are going thru. But I know that our merciful father will bring good out of this . This has happened so many times in my 41 year walk with God. He is a God we can absolutely trust with our lives. Our disappointments are God’s appointments. He allows things we can never understand. If we could, then we wouldn’t need faith. Be encouraged and give Him thanks for what He is doing in your life. He is always for you., for you are His beloved daughter. I’ll be praying…. Judy
Katie Scott Randolph says
Thank you it is true
Bonnie Gray says
@disqus_bnLVwUdWXS:disqus such encouraging words!
Beth Williams says
Katie,
Prayers for you and your husband. May God heal him quickly and give him back to you.
Blessings to you…((((Hugs)))) from E. TN
Bonnie Gray says
@iguanalovr:disqus love how we hold each other up!
Katie Scott Randolph says
Hugs back and thanks
Bonnie Gray says
@katiescottrandolph:disqus katie, keep being comforted … to know you’re not alone.. and your story is just as glorifying to God, now as — as it has been and will be as you walk through this journey with Jesus. So touched you can share your heart with us! Jesus, be close to Katie now, esp. now – as you always have been. xo
Katie Scott Randolph says
Love you friend!
Jenni DeWitt says
Bonnie, I’m so excited to go along with you virtually on this trip! Thank you for taking us with you. If you meet a little girl named Josnifer, tell her I say hi. : )
Bonnie Gray says
@jennidewitt:disqus SO excited to know you, Jesus & Josnifer are soul connected & that you can be God’s love letter & voice to her! I am SO happy for Josnifer… Thank you for being courageous and sponsoring her! (tears) Email me offline her name and I’ll tuck her name on my notecard! I’ll pray for her while I’m there! xo #kindreds #unscriptedcompassion
Bri McKoy says
So beautiful, Bonnie! Grateful for your heart. So incredibly grateful you are going on this journey! Xoxo
Bonnie Gray says
@brimckoy:disqus you are soul kind, amazing and awesome to be brave — to lead us into the hearts of children with Compassion. I can’t do this trip without your kinship, soulful and Spirit-filled leadership! let’s do this — and experience Jesus as The Living Way! #compassionbloggers #kindreds #unscriptedcompassion
Sharen says
Precious Bonnie,
I believe this journey will be an organic stone of remembrance that YOU will set on the top of the healing foundation you have already built as the Lord directed you. This stone. This stone is waiting for your hand to scoop it out of God’s creation and place it where it belongs. The work is already done, Bonnie. this healing work, though fresh, is complete in you. And now… “How delightful it is to see approaching over the mountains the feet of a messenger who announces peace, who brings good news, who announces deliverance, who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns!'” Isaiah 52:7 (NET) Bonnie… Go in JOY!
Bonnie Gray says
Sharen, you’ve made me cry… ! good tears… a prayer of deep in my heart… let’s experience this journey together & so grateful you’re with me .. together with this unscripted journey! #unscriptedcompassion #kindreds THANK YOU
Trudy Den Hoed says
This is beautiful, Bonnie. Thank you. Praying you will be “you, the Beloved” on this trip and many children will feel less alone.
Nancy Ruegg says
That question, “What if I’m not enough?” caught my attention. Too often I allow thoughts of inadequacy to interfere with my trust in God. Your love letter includes much encouragement and spirit-strengthening truth to answer that question. 1) God is always with me–even through the lonely nights. 2) He is the treasure of my soul–not self-confidence. 3) My heart is next to God’s, as I draw near to him. He is the all-adequate One. I don’t need to be. Thank you, Bonnie, for truth that refocuses faith!
Angie Ryg says
“My love makes you beloved. My beloved.”
Yes. Just this. Thank you for this reminder that it is only His love and nothing we can do. Or say. Or be.
It is only His love that brings us His beauty to replace our messy and our fears.
Your words share His beautiful love story of grace.
Thank you! XOXO
Melanie Singleton says
This is so beautiful and vulnerable Bonnie. Ironically, the Lord used my husband and I, with messy broken pasts, to pour into foster care. The children and their stories were triggers for me; yet, with our most recent placement, the Lord’s timing was to have us walk through the healing process together. Me, with a new diagnosis of PTSD (I relate to the panic attacks!) and her little 3-year old self with multiple losses and trauma. We sat in play therapy for her and worked through her grief and trauma, while I likewise was (and still am) working simultaneously with counselors to deal with my childhood. He is so very good and tender to use us right where He places us. When we are weak, He is strong. Thank you for stepping out in courage.
Mary-Ann Winslow says
Hi Bonnie! I think it is impossible to share my heart with out breaking down at this point of my journey and every time I have spoken to people and shared my story that vulnerability seems to be the universal language that the Holy Spirit inhabits and speaks through. You are on the right path! Just let the little girl in you emerge in her beautiful, innocent voice and God will do the rest!!! XOXO I will be paying with you and for you!!!
Brandi says
Brandi Plymale