In my college years, I would make the snowy drive home for Christmas with nothing but a small suitcase, a latte, and a deep yearning in my heart to carry me across the miles. Oftentimes the weather was so cold that I needed to wear gloves inside my car until the heater really got going, but I hardly noticed the chill: I was going home!
The stress and strain of finals were behind me, and I wanted nothing more than to open the door to my childhood house and see the same lights and decorations that had hung on our tree for twenty years.
Something about going home for Christmas brought back the childhood wonder that I worried I was losing.
I was trying so hard to become an adult in college, but a part of me still wanted the security of being a child in a loving home. Maybe it was the rootedness of being back in the house where our family had lived for three generations; maybe it was waking up to my mom in the kitchen and my dad reading in his favorite chair.
Whatever it was, Christmas cracked open the longing I still had to be a child: to be taken care of, to be safe, to have no concerns about the future.
On Christmas Eve, after everyone in the house had gone to bed, I tiptoed through the darkness and into the living room, where Dad left the Christmas tree lights on around the clock. The white lights spilled their soft glow around me as I sat on the carpeted floor and opened up my journal, knowing that something I couldn’t name was bubbling in my heart. And so I did the only thing I knew to do: journal about my emotions.
I put in my headphones and started my favorite Christmas album, and then I began to write. What came spilling out under those tiny beams of light was the longing that I held in my heart — the longing to know that what was ahead would be as safe and secure as what I had experienced as a child. I couldn’t see what was around the bend as a college student — I didn’t know how I would find a job or a calling or make a home somewhere new after graduation, but I still wanted to be taken care of.
I didn’t want to have so many concerns about the future.
And there, sitting by the Christmas tree in my childhood home, the words of an old hymn rang through my headphones, and God met me in my fear:
Oh, come, O Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel!
I wept underneath the Christmas tree, awed by the gift that God was offering me — the gift of peace.
Yes, I might be leaving my childhood home after college, but through Christ’s life, death, and resurrection, I had a heavenly home that would always be secure. I still didn’t know where the path ahead would lead, but I experienced the assurance of peace that night that only comes through the Holy Spirit — the knowing that what was ahead was even more secure and safe than what I had experienced as a child.
No matter what happened in the months and years ahead, Christ would go with me. He would take care of me. And as long as I went with Him, I didn’t need to fear the future, because Christ was already there.
That Christmas Eve, I was given the gift of peace. I walked away from the decorated tree that night without fear of what was ahead, trusting that while my childhood days were over, my days as a child of God would never, ever end.
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Michele Morin says
Thank you, Ann, for this beautiful reminder that God carries us through all the transitions in our lives.
Ann Swindell says
You’re so welcome, Michele. I’m grateful to have the chance to share it!
Susan Shipe says
Ann, our granddaughter is a sophomore at Liberty University and I know this would resonate with her. I am going to share.
Ann Swindell says
Thank you, Susan! I hope it blesses her.
ldockery says
Amen and Amen! that’s all I can say in response to this beautiful post! Thank you SO much for confirming what the Holy Spirit spoke to me when I began to worry about a choice that I made concerning my finances for year 2017. He told me not to worry about a future that although was unseen by me, was (already) FULLY known by Him…in other words, “I (God) got this”. Hallelujah!!! I especially like the encouragement in your post that said “…and God met me in my fear”. What an AMAZING God we serve that He will ABSOLUTELY do just that because He loves us just that much. Thank you SO much for sharing your encouraging testimony. 🙂
Ann Swindell says
I’m so thankful that my story encouraged you! Praise the Lord.
Penny says
Ann,
Thank-you for such a beautifully put post. What you’ve described I too am grateful for. My hope for everyone is that they may also feel His gift of peace, and warmth in a safe place.
I hope that you have a blessed, and Merry Christmas,
Penny
Ann Swindell says
Yes, Christ’s peace is one of his kindest gifts to us. Thank you, Penny!
Maria says
This brought tears to my eyes! So many childhood memories. Now I am 53, with my own kids but those memories are so present aand loved. I thank God for His presence in my life and for His care through the years and I hope He is waiting for me at mu final peaceful home.
Ann Swindell says
Isn’t it wonderful that we have such a wonderful, eternal home to look forward to, Maria? I’m grateful, too. Merry Christmas!
Gail says
So beautiful, full of truth and encouragement to others, and just Full of His peace! Thank you!
Ann Swindell says
Thanks for your kind words, Gail.
Beth Williams says
Anna,
It is so easy to fret and fear over what ifs and the future. God continually tells us Fear Not. I’ve learned over the years to not be anxious but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Sure I have worries. I have been through some rough medical trials with my aging dad these past few years and God has always been there for me. God graciously healed my dad & in the process allowed me to witness a miracle! God is already in the future and has plans for us. “Plans to prosper us and not to harm us”. Trust God and pray about everything!
Blessings 🙂 Have a Christ-filled and joyous Christmas!
Ann Swindell says
Beth, I love your reminder of the Scripture that we never need to be anxious but can always bring our heart to the Lord through prayer. Praise him! And Merry Christmas to you, as well!
Cheri Johnson says
Ann,
This is my 54th Christmas and I still long for those childhood days of innocent joy and peace at Christmas time — those years when I wasn’t responsible for anyone, barely even myself. Oh to go back. I guess we still can, as you’ve said, resting in the security of our Heavenly Father’s care.
At the same time, once we outgrow life in our childhood homes, we know that soon we get to provide that same beautiful, innocent security to little ones under our own care. And that is a privilege. Other than teaching our younguns about the Heavenly Father and salvation in Jesus, I don’t know of a greater gift we can share.
Thank you for your beautiful story and encouragement.
Ann Swindell says
Cheri, that cycle of receiving and giving–first as children and then as adults–is such a picture of life in the body of Christ, isn’t it? Thanks for your words and encouragement.
JM says
Beautiful message and such wonderful words for my heart to hear! Thank you!!!!
Ann Swindell says
I’m thankful you were encouraged, JM!
Brenda says
Sweet testimony, Ann. 🙂 This is a gift of peace and calm to my spirit this morning as my 21 year old has already left the nest and my 18 year old is not far behind him. My mother’s heart for them is to look into the blurry, yet untold future and see God–already there. And, at the same time, always feel as sense of comfort and home with memories and traditions of their childhood days. Thank you for sharing. Merry Christmas, Ann. 🙂
Ann Swindell says
I love your heart for your children, Brenda–such a picture of Christ’s love for us. Merry Christmas to you, too!
Rebecca L Jones says
There is no greater gift than His Peace and He left it for us, I think it is lost when we worry, fear, or let someone take our joy. It certainly is a crown that we must wear, a true gift from Him.
Ann Swindell says
His peace is such an incredible gift, isn’t it, Rebecca? I’m so thankful, too. Merry Christmas!
Anonynmous says
One of my hardest Christmases was the year my daughter, then in an exchange program overseas, asked if our Christmas gift to her could be a roundtrip plane ticket–not home to us, but to her college town across the country from us, so she could spend Christmas with her friends. We gave it to her, because it meant so much to her, but we were sad not to have her home.
Ann Swindell says
I’m so sorry, sister. That had to be painful. Praying for you right now. Hugs.
Nancy Ruegg says
Isn’t it ironic that when we’re young children, we wish to grow up, and when we’re grown up, we wish we could be young children again! Praise God for the memories (especially those enhanced by thick rose-colored glasses). But praise God, too, that we can also view the future through rose-colored glasses because of God’s wisdom, sovereignty, and gracious love. His peace is always available. Thank you, Ann, for the poignant reminder!
Ann Swindell says
Nancy, I love what you said–that we can look to the future through those same rose-colored glasses. Yes! There is such beauty up ahead, even through the difficulties we face here on earth. Thanks for your words. Merry Christmas!
Julie Broadbridge says
Thank you for sharing this word, as I need not fear the battle against cancer and the radiotherapy treatment I am having for five weeks. God has gone before me and I have a hope and future and in my weakness God is my strength. I need to remain in His Presence and receive His Peace and remember His Grace and Mercy are sufficient for each new day. God Bless you and use your gifting to reach, teach and encourage others. x
Elizabeth Moore says
This is so beautiful. I remember having the same feelings as a college student and even today. Goodness, I needed this reminder that He gives the gift of peace. That I am safe with Him.
Chara Donahue says
Beautiful words and truth, Ann. Thank you.