Most days I struggle to like myself.
There are aspects I love: my quirky, childlike sense of humor, my affinity to dance whenever a catchy song comes on, my love of the outdoors and ability to see God so easily there.
But too often those things I like are drowned out by what is going wrong, by that mistake I made or that personality quirk that no one else seems to understand.
It’s gotten to the point that I’ve suppressed pieces of my soul because I’ve become too afraid of being rejected if my true colors shine through.
I didn’t realize how bad off I was until recently at a church retreat, where I was put face to face with a word that so accurately described the state of my heart: Fugitive.
As I found a bench on the far side of the retreat center and started hashing out this reality with the Lord, I felt exposed and weak and ashamed — tied up in the need to perform perfectly and keep my mess hidden.
Reflecting on my life, I saw just how long I’d been held captive.
I was the child who prayed every time the salvation prayer was offered, because what if it didn’t stick the first time . . . or the seven times I’d prayed since then?
I was the college freshman praying through a revival service, begging God to tell me what I was doing wrong so I could fix it and not be condemned for sin I wasn’t even aware of.
I’ve been the woman so afraid of even the tiniest misstep, that I’ve put myself high up on a tightrope of performance, convinced one wrong move would plummet me out of God’s will, His love, His grace.
On that bench I saw the reality of my bondage. I saw how perfection and fear had robbed me.
I was living as a Fugitive.
But I longed for freedom.
That day, instead of begging the Lord to make me perfect, I begged to be set free. I asked Him to free me up to be exactly who He created me to be so that I could stop despising myself.
Too often we try to shove ourselves into boxes we weren’t meant to fit, and we wonder about the heart pain. We wonder why our souls feel like we are trekking through thick, swampy waters.
When we don’t embrace who we are created to be — when we deny ourselves, when we get too caught up in performing rather than abundant living — that’s when we fall into bondage. That’s when we give up abundant life for a murky shadow of what could be.
Paul writes to the Galatians that it is for freedom we have been set free.
For freedom!
Christ did not come to set us free from sin only so we could believe more lies about who we should be based on what the world tells us and what we tell ourselves.
If we’re going to live truly free lives, we have to plug our hearts into truth.
What is truth?
The truth is you are loved more abundantly than you could ever fathom. You are known inside and out, every intricate piece woven together with great care. You are adopted and chosen by the Father, saved by the Son, and filled with His ever-present Spirit.
You are loved!
And it’s that great love that gives you the freedom to be who you are.
Now, I’ll be the first to tell you that living free isn’t always easy. Freedom is messy and it’s something you have to fight for. Every day it requires waking up and remembering who you are and Whose you are, and clothing yourself in that truth.
But that’s okay. Get messy. Do battle.
And know that you aren’t doing this alone. Christ is there every step of the way, speaking truth, helping you fight against fear and self-doubt, reminding you how greatly you are loved.
Live in His love today.
Live in His freedom.
by Jazmin N. Frank
Jazmin N. Frank
What a profound insight – fugitive! I am so glad the Spirit reminds us we are free. It’s hard to fathom the grace and forgiveness of God… then I think about the ultimate price of the crucifixion, and remind myself it’s all Jesus. Since you have a personal relationship with Him, you have been chosen, forgiven, and free.
Agreed! Praise the Lord for His amazing grace and perfect love!
I can totally relate to your story. The Lord is showing me that it is ok to be me. It is such a liberating feeling.
Jazmin,
For many years, I was a slave to perfectionism. There were many things I didn’t like about myself or wished were different. I was so much a people pleaser and was afraid to just be myself – I wore a mask most of the time. That’s a strenuous and exhausting way to live. Yes, I was in bondage – captive to unrealistic ideals. And, I was a fugitive – running from the real me that God created me to be. I’ve learned that to deny what God created is to deny His perfect workmanship. He created you/me EXACTLY how he wants us to be and to deny the world the REAL us is to deny what God put on this earth for a precise reason and purpose. By denying myself, I realized I was insulting God. I was, in essence, saying, “What you made (me) isn’t good enough. You could have done a better job.” When I say that now it sounds ridiculous, but I was insulting God and denying that He is perfect and created me perfectly in His image with my own unique flair. What a freeing experience to forget what the world thinks and to live to an audience of One – the loving, kind, and gentle Father who created me just perfectly as I am. And for my sins….He gave me His Son. Wonderful post!
Blessings,
Bev xx
I got chills reading your comment. What beautiful words and beautiful truth! I’m so glad you are learning to walk out your freedom in Christ and live life as His beautiful masterpiece!
I know the feeling, and recognize well that need to hide. Thanks for sharing the glorious truth that freedom is a gift that Christ died to procure for His much-loved daughters.
Blessings to you, Jazmin, as you continue to live in that freedom with joy.
Thank you so much, Michele! Blessings to you as you live freely as God’s beautiful masterpiece!
Why is it that I seem to only read words like this in what must be my sunset years?
Perhaps because I wouldn’t have listened to them before now.
Thank you for your clarity and honesty.
I recognise that perhaps I just needed to see them now to reassure me.
God bless you.
I hope these words were encouragement. Whether living in the sunset or sunrise years of life, living out our freedom in Christ is a constant gift.
Hey, May – maybe we should re-write that old ‘Life Begins at Forty’ to ‘Life Begins at Eighty’ – or whatever age we find ourselves at – because that is what Jazmin’s column is saying! Let’s do it (even when the body feels more like sitting than dancing!).
Thank you so much, both of you, and blessings on all who read incourage.
Jazmin,
Thank you. Lately I have been feeling like a fugitive to the spirit of manipulation. For so long I was a fugitive to people. I have asked God to free me from people and He has been doing His work, praise Him!
However, the response from people towards me are as if I’ve done them wrong when in reality I have not I am responding to their way of love with wisdom and boundaries. Their response hurts and it tortures me. Freedom is messy but I choose daily to fight this fight of freedom because I am adopted and chosen by the Father, saved by the son and filled with his ever-present spirit, glory!
Freedom definitely doesn’t come without it’s battles. My heart goes out to you in the struggle, and if I could give one more bit of encouragement, it’s to stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord (Exodus 14:14). When the battle gets hard and painful, that’s the verse I often cling to because it reminds me that I’m not doing this alone. And neither are you. God goes with you and surrounds you on all sides. He sees your heart and holds you up. Hang in there and keep moving toward freedom!
I will stand firm and be still in the deliverance and freedom of the Lord! Thanks!
Thank you only for the teaching, but your response to Korneeka!
I was hesitant to read “Live Free” because I’ve walked Korneeka’s path. I didn’t want to set myself up again – believe in the prayer closet, but can’t make it work in life, and go back on the fugitve trail.
I’m armed now and I’m escaping! My friends asks me my word for this year – it will be freedom. Exodus 14:14 will help me on my journey.
Thank you!
I love this so much! What a great word for the year!
“Instead of begging the Lord to make me perfect, I begged the Lord to be set free” resonated with me. I have almost an “OCD” prayer of what I should be, could be, need to be, need to have, need to do. Praying for strength to keep wrestling for His freedom, courage to walk in His truth. Thanks so much for sharing, Jazmin….good truths to start the day. XOXO
I’m so glad those words resonated! I can totally relate to the OCD prayer. I’m excited for your journey as you live out your freedom in Christ!
Amen, Amen and Amen. You said it very well. The Lord is setting me free from that bondage also. I been seeing a lot of me that I buried as a small child when rejection was screaming at me. Exciting!!!
Yeah! So excited that you are experiencing this freedom in Christ! Keep moving forward in His grace, love, and truth!
Even at 54, I cannot say that I totally love myself, but I am further along in that journey now than I was last year. I am beginning to appreciate and own the unique gifts and quirks that God chose for me and to get that light out from under the bushel basket! Thanks for the encouraging reminder, especially timely as we go into a new year, with its fresh start and resolutions.
I’m so glad it was encouraging for you! Keep shining His light!
I struggle with this as well. So I try to keep reminding myself: I am the Beloved daughter of God!
Yes, we are the Beloved Daughters of God!
What a wonderful Truth about ourselves.
That is absolutely true! And what a great privilege to bear such an amazing title: beloved daughter of God. Such grace!
Shoving myself into a box that I don’t fit in, feeling that my soul is trekking through thick swampy water. This is so what I feel recently. I feel trapped in a career path that robs joy from my soul, but meets everyone else’s outside expectations of what I “should” be, but afraid to make changes. I am a fugitive to my fears of what people will think and how a change might impact us financially. Thank you for this reminder that the love of Jesus drives out fear and sets us free.
That’s definitely a tough spot to be in, but praise the Lord for the Peace that passes understanding. I pray the Lord continues to guide you in the decisions ahead and that you would be able to claim joy even in this difficult season.
Jazmin!!! Sister, thank you for this grace, your words, your heart, this glorious freedom… An amazing post! Boy, could I relate. Right there with you. Sharing this.
I am so glad it encouraged you! I think we all need this reminder every now and again: in Christ we are free!
Thank you, Jazmin and thank God for the words He gave you to share with all of us today! Oh how I need to be “set free” from this idea that I have to be better or someone different than I am. I agree with Bev that we insult God when we don’t accept ourselves as He has made us. I still hide behind a mask trying to be someone different than who God made me. Why do I feel I need to be so perfect?! Why can’t I simply realize that I am unique and God made me exactly how He wanted me?! Oh how I want to embrace that freedom! Not to become conceited or obsessed with myself, but to rest at the feet of Jesus, thanking Him daily for the gift of life and salvation and to not be afraid to be used by Him! Instead I beat myself up thinking I don’t have what it takes. I don’t like myself most days. What an insult to God! I feel so ashamed!!
Shame off you and grace on you, Cindy. You are valued and so loved. Perfection is a thief and a distractor–at least the way we know it here–but gratitude and joy are so life giving. Keep giving thanks and allow God to continue to show you His heart for you. Blessings, sweet sister!
God bless you, Jazmin! I know you are absolutely right. Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement! You don’t know how much God has used your words to impact me today!
Oh Jazmin, what a good word this is. — If we could attach pictures in this comment box, I’d show you the index card that stands along the top edge of my desk declaring Galatians 5:1 across it. I have many index cards with many verses & quotes stacked on my desk, but there are only two that stand staring at me, reminding me of who I am, and this is one of them. 🙂 Freedom is the undercurrent of all my themes in life. (Funny how I’ve just realized this in the past few years…) To “live in His freedom” makes such a difference, doesn’t it? — Thanks for sharing. Happy New Year!
This is such a great practice! Thanks for sharing. Living Free definitely makes all the difference!
What a beautiful way to start a new year…live in His freedom!
So glad it was encouraging!
Your words touched the very depth of myself. Thank you for reminding me the truth of Jesus sacrifice to bring truth resounds. God bless you
Diane
Oh, Diane, I am so glad! God bless!
“Too often we try to shove ourselves into boxes we weren’t meant to fit, and we wonder about the heart pain. We wonder why our souls feel like we are trekking through thick, swampy waters.”
Jazmin, I lived like this for years. No more. We are so perfect in His eyes. And that is more than enough for me! I don’t care for the society boxes that people try to shove themselves and others in. Done! I now have Faith in the Lord!
Great post!
Yes! I love your declaration of freedom! Keep moving forward in His grace!
Hey Jazmin!
I read a few blogs from my favourite authors but this post from you makes me want to laugh and cry all at once. Growing up I had a “larger than life” kind of personality that was very much outside the box! If you know anything about the 4 temperaments from the book called “The Spirit filled Man” by Tim Lahay. I am a Cleric temperament which is an anomaly because it is only 10% of the world population. And it seems that in a man’s world it is cool because it’s the temperament of leaders. However if you happen to be female it feels like you are frowned upon even by those of the same temperament who are mostly men. So I have spent most of my adult life apologizing for who I am and feeling unbelievably misunderstood. I am constantly defending my self and frustrated beyond reason!! Your post is the best one I have read in a very bed long time and I am quietly sobbing as I read it at my son’s home in a nother province where I drove for 6 hours on Boxing Day to visit my grandchildren. My husband criticized me for the entire drive because he misunderstands my heart and I have been told by everyone who says they love me for being myself. It seems the more I people please the worse I feel and it seems like I have “lost myself” in the process, if you know what I mean? Your post is like a breath of fresh air for the suffocation I feel!! I’m not sure how I will find myself again but God is using your post to encourage me! So I just want to thank you for sharing!!! Blessings to you!
Reading your post reminded me of myself in some ways. Serving Christ should be out of love and not fear of failure or what others think, it took me too long to learn that. We are supposed to be free, it should not be tantamount to torture. We are free indeed.
I understand losing yourself, it’s not a good place to be. God brought me back out of it.
Hi Again, I’m not sure if it is ok in this forum to ask but if it is; Can you explain how God brought you back to finding yourself Rebecca L Jones?
Oh, Maryann, my heart goes out to you! I pray that you would feel God smiling on you today, rejoicing over the way He made you. You are His masterpiece and He is so pleased with you. And I pray that He would help you see yourself as He does: fearfully and wonderfully made. Blessings for the journey ahead, sweet sister!
Wow! I really needed this! I can relate so much! When you said you were the girl who said the salvation prayer every time it was offered, well I know most of the people who read (in)courage are adults, but I’m only in tenth grade, and I am that girl, almost everytime I keep asking God to save me. It’s encouraging to know that I’m not the only one who has done that. And I know that once saved always saved, I just doubt my belief. Thank you for this! We don’t know each other, but thank you for this, thank you for being honest, so that I can relate to your struggles in the past, that I deal with today. Thank you!
Marymargaret,
I love it so much that you’re here! My heart beats for women of all ages, but especially your age group. And that fact that you come to this place to learn and be encouraged tells me a lot about you. You have a heart seeking that Lord, and that is so beautiful. Be encouraged sweet sister, and may you continue to shine His light and love to those around you. You are SO loved!
Jazmin,
This is such a beautiful post and an awesome reminder that we are loved by God and, in Him, we are free to be all He created us to be! Thank you for sharing.
God bless you!
Amen! I’m so glad it was encouraging!
Jazmin,
I can relate to hating parts of yourself. Like you I was a people pleaser for years. I would do what they wanted & not even think of myself. Don’t even go there about mistakes. I cringe every time I think of a mistake I made. The evil one whispers stupid, dumb, not good enough. I start to believe it. It has taken time, but with the help of God I have overcome some of that. Starting to like crazy self. My saying to others is “this is how God made me. If you don’t like it then ok-move on.” My word for 2018 is Rest-resting in God. Taking more time to be with Him.
Have a blessed New Year!
Blessings 🙂