Sometimes, the first thing I do when I come downstairs in the morning is apologize for sleeping “so late.” It is after 7:00am, I suppose.
I’m a night owl by design. My body’s ideal schedule would be sleeping from 1am-10am, like a teenager on a Saturday. I come by this desire naturally; it’s literally in my bones. My mom has been retired for almost three years now, and when I’m up putzing around (or watching Netflix) at midnight I know I can text her to chat because she’ll be awake. That late-night to late-morning schedule that my body longs for? My mom has it too, and she is owning it.
When my kids get up before 7, my husband tends to be the one to get up with them. I mean, sometimes “getting up with them” equals setting out cereal for them and turning on PBS, but still. He’s awake, and I am asleep. Or dozing at its finest, I should say. I hear my kids running like elephants and asking for a banana and enjoying their early morning. I just cannot seem to make my body DO anything about it. When I finally amble downstairs, almost fully awake, I walk in with guilt and apologies, and every time I do, my husband says, “Why are you sorry? We’re all good.” It’s both the epitome of grace and the best kind of real-life love.
Yet, even with “permission,” the guilt comes. It’s totally self-inflicted, and it’s due to the picture I’ve created in my head of what a “good mom” is:
Up before the sun.
Doing devotions at the counter.
Waiting for her kids to walk in.
Coffee made. Dressed. Ready. Smiling.
These things, I am not. You know what my six-year-old told me? He told me that before I have my coffee in the morning, I’m like a Bergen. From the movie Trolls. The grey, grumpy, cranky, snaggletoothed, snarly giants. So yeah, I’m not exactly on in the mornings.
But at 10:00 pm, I am ON. I write. I clean the toilets. I bake. I watch my current favorite binge-series on Netflix. I read. Basically, 10:00 pm is when I am one of the sparkly, singing, shiny, nice Trolls (the opposite of a Bergen, thankyouverymuch.) I rock the midnight oil and really, I’m not sorry about it.
My body’s interior clock does its own thing, and I don’t think it’s because God left it to chance. I think He instilled it into me on purpose, just like my eyes are blue and I can (and love to) sing and I’m right-handed and my empathy level is off the charts. Those are God-given traits I can cultivate but not fight. And since the good Lord made us by His design, hand-picking each and every bitty detail of who we are, isn’t that how we should deal with all of ourselves?
This isn’t about nature vs. nurture. This is about shedding the guilt for that which makes us who we are because who we are is His and nothing about us surprises Him.
He is not surprised that I can’t function before 7 am. He is not surprised that I wrote most of my books with James Taylor as my soundtrack. He is not surprised that sometimes I also write while listening to terrible 90’s rap. He is not surprised by my tendency towards selfishness. He is not surprised when I procrastinate. He is not surprised when I get overwhelmed, when I cry at the drop of a hat, when I get silly with my family. He’s not surprised by anything I do, because He wired me Himself.
Does He have other feelings about my actions and personality and choices? I bet He does. But surprise? Nope. And when I confess my propensity to feel guilty, He cups my face in His hands and gently says, “Why are you sorry? They’re all good. And so are you.”
Tomorrow, when I stumble down the stairs around 7:30 to an already bustling kitchen and lean into my husbands open arms, instead of I’m sorry, I’m going to go with Thank you. I’m going to whisper thanks to the One who made me a late sleeper, too.
God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear or self-deprecation; rather, He’s instilled in each of us gratitude. Let’s practice honing our appreciation instead of our guilt, and stop apologizing for who we are. ‘Cause, gals, we’re His — internal clocks, questionable music choices, selfish ways and all — and there’s nothing to apologize for about that.
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Anna,
Simply beautiful!! I’m just the opposite, so I find myself apologizing when I’m yawning at 8 pm. I also grew up in a home where emotions weren’t worn on your sleeve. I endured a lot of teasing because I was the first one to cry at something…anything. I’ve even cried during Hallmark commercials lol. Lately, I’ve been listening to a wonderful song by Christian artist Tauren Wells. It’s called “Known”. The chorus reassures, “I am fully known and loved by You.” It is so freeing to know that God sees us and knows our heart (inside and out); He sees our flaws and foibles and STILL He loves us. Yes, let’s stop apologizing and ban the word “sorry” when false guilt rises. Let’s celebrate that we are fearfully and wonderfully made! Loved this and reading while I sipped my anti-troll serum 🙂
Blessings,
Bev xx
With all Flaws, and differences, HE loves us still, and always will.
Unconditional love is Grace
Receive it, live in it with Him
Be imitators of God as beloved children
Amen!! 🙂 xo
Thanks Bev for the song, just listened to it and love it!
Jenny,
Isn’t it beautiful?! I’m glad it spoke to you! I find myself humming the chorus,” I’m fully known and loved by You,” and it brings me peace.
Blessings to you today,
Bev xo
Bev, no surprise here — I’m a crier too. Big time.
ps — Bev. Your ‘anti-troll serum’ made me legit laugh out loud. I love it!!
I needed to hear these words today. A reminder of what nearly everyone close to me tells me not to do-apologize for the small things. Constantly I say “I’m sorry” and really never know exactly the reason. For being me. I often feel ashamed of me. From past trauma to nothing much at all I feel so unworthy of “being.” Thank you for Sharing your heart and truthful story of who we really are-a child of the most High God.
Debra,
I can relate to a lot of the words and feelings you are expressing. I never thought I was okay just as I am. I apologized a lot and wished I was more like (fill in the blank). Some of that was being in a verbally abusive marriage. I am learning to stop apologizing and letting God love me exactly how he made me. If there would be one thing I’d say to you it’s, “Just be Debra.” Just as you are….not even an eentsy change. God created you fearfully and wonderfully to be exactly how you are. If you were even the littlest bit different, you wouldn’t be you and God has a plan for you just as He created you. He doesn’t make mistakes. You are a daughter of the King – loved just as you are. You are more than enough!!
((Hugs)) sweet sister,
Bev xo
Bev, your perspective on how the marriage contributed to your struggle with self acceptance really hit home. I needed this today.
Anna, when those kids are all teens, and you are managing curfews and overnights and kids with actual driver’s licenses, you are gonna ROCK the stay-up-late-and-chat-with-the-wired-teenager-mum role, because the circadian rhythm you have described is perfect for that! When my football playing boy came home after an away game and a 5 hour bus-ride, he always wanted to do a blow-by-blow recap of his day, and I really wanted to listen, but when one has been up and pawing the earth since 5 a.m., one is not one’s best self at 11 p.m. It sounds to me as if you and your husband are a great parenting team!
LOVE that perspective and word of encouragement, Michele!
Anna, love you for being the real you and helping us all lean into how God wired us with thanksgiving instead of guilt. xx
Yesssss. Michele, I love the way you think!!
Oh, this is great insight, Michele!!
Anna – thank you! And I agree with Bev and Michele. I am the opposite…can’t stay up much past 8pm and am unloading the dishwasher and cleaning my shower at 4am. My three teenagers get exasperated that I can’t stay up past 8 or 9pm at the latest!! And I have lots of mom guilt about it. Thanks for the reminder that this is who I was made to be and I’m fearfully and wonderfully made 🙂
You rock those early morning hours, Lynn, with not one ounce of guilt or shame!
Anna,
I enjoyed the story about how different we all are. One body with several members. Thank God He made us all different. It’s the differences that makes us unique and wonderfully made in His image. I am the morning person who is down by ten o’clock .
Yes, isn’t that just the best picture of the Body of Christ?!
Anna & Special Ladies of the Lord, Thank you for ‘these encouraging words’!
Thank you for reading, Brenda!
Thanks for this reminder Anna…
Anna,
What a great post! I’m so thankful that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made by our loving God!
I’m the granddaughter of a farmer, and I loved (still do!) waking up at the crack of dawn to the sounds of roosters and the beauty of a sunrise. My sister, however, was the night owl, ready to greet midnight with a smile!
What a loving God we serve! Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow! We are all unique and bring something different and equally wonderful to The Lord’s bountiful table. <
Joy in Jesus,
Lara
Loved this comment, Lara! Thank you so much for sharing a part of your story — and for referencing the beautiful Doxology. I grew up singing that before meals and we still do.
This!! H k you for this! I find myself in the same boat many days usually on Saturdays when I just want to lay in bed. Thank you for not making me feel like a bad mom. The guilt is still there but it is something I guess we all have to work on. Again thank you!
Yes, yes yes! You are not alone in the morning exhaustion or in fighting the mom guilt.
Loved this!! We call this in my family being a nighthawk. I have been like this forever and even more so since I have gotten older. It seems my mind and energy levels really start flowing at 8pm and stop around 1am. When our son was in school the house was quiet after 10pm and so began the let get this or that done, creative projects or catching up with family in the west and southwest after we moved to North Carolina years ago. No interruptions!! Yes I am up and can be up and at them early and function but I am wired for late night. No more guilt feelings for thinking I should have been up earlier when I don’t but just go with it and keep it moving!
Ooh I love that word Nighthawk. So love that you shared a little of who you are, and that we’re wired in much the same way. No more guilt!
Love covers a multitude, love him, others, and our self.
A good friend told me once to be gentle with myself, I’m doing that.
Isn’t Jesus gentle with us? Why aren’t we? Practice it.
Stop looking outside of you, see within be real
You are loved just as you are accept yourself as He does.
Stop over thinking so much
Let his heart in you lead
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Anna,
I’m the opposite, and like you, my husband is the late riser. but unlike your husband, occasionally I’m not as understanding. I appreciate from your post the reminder that I need to try harder to be. We were all created different and those differences can help us work better as a team.
Have a blessed day all,
Penny
Absolutely. It’s a massive blessing when God puts us with the right person who complements our gifts with their own.
Thanks Anna!
I get judge constantly by my family for this and even with Lupus and Fibromyalgia they don’t understand! Your lucky to have a spouse who understands!
I am very blessed, indeed. Praying for open hearts in your family, that they’d accept what’s best for you!
Awesome post! I am always so critical of myself, and this put things into perspective.
Thanks Courtney — so glad it touched your heart today.
Beautiful post! People are always telling me to stop apologizing for myself all the time. I have recently learned to replace “sorry” with “thank you” as well. I’m also a night owl who struggles to stay awake during the day due to chronic fatigue. However, this is nothing to be ashamed of. It often leads to creative genius 🙂
Exactly!!! You got it, Emily! Here’s to leaning into that and seeing what God brings forth.
Hi Emily,
I too am a night owl, but have to be at work at 7:30 am (who picked this job?–it is nice being done at 3:30 though.) I also struggled to stay alert and awake during the day and never woke refreshed. It got so bad I had to nap every day after work and had constant muscle pain. Then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and realized that I wasn’t getting restful sleep because my nerves were firing too many times (even though I slept through the night, my sleep wasn’t quality.) I’m now using a prescription for fibro at night that gives me quality sleep and turmeric (decreases inflammation) during the day. Along with a healthier diet, I can now stay awake all day and be on task! I pray that you can explore reasons for your chronic fatigue and find some good solutions. You are too young to perpetually live with it. Blessings!
This is just too funny Anna! I am the exact opposite! When I was raising my family (great-grandmother now!), I was the one who was up at 5 or 6a–telling my husband and son to “rise and shine” for it’s a new day! Those were times when I lived in the Midwest. Now I’m on Pacific time–I get to watch the sun rise!…and it’s beautiful EVERY morning! My body is still on East Coast time!
Hi Anna, from a fellow Anna. God bless you for writing this. It took until around the time I was turning 40 for me to accept me. A dear family member told me” you can only be you” God spoke thru her that day and that blessed me it was the beginning of me seeing what Gods sees and loving it. I haven’t arrived. Some days He has to put me in check again but I’m really embracing who He made me to be. God bless you all
Acceptance is a real journey, isn’t it? So glad you’re able to embrace who He created you to be. It’s on purpose, I know it!
Anna – this was such a joy to read. I am happy to hear that I am not alone in my love/need for sleeping in and doing household chores, crafting, re-arranging furniture, etc. at all hours of the night, lol…I have had several people over the years try to lay a guilt trip on me because I wasn’t up with the sun on Saturday mornings with kids, or cleaning the house or doing whatever a Mom was “supposed” to be doing. But I didn’t give in to their pressure. At times it would make me think to myself, is there something wrong with me for being this way? But like you, my husband was ok with my sleeping habits . He is an early bird so I feel like God gave us each other for balance. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
I’ve had those thoughts as well, Christine, right down to the ‘what’s wrong with me’ and the gratitude for my husband who complements and balances me out. What a gift! So glad you shared your story here too.
Thanks so much for sharing this – I am the opposite and I needed to hear these words to let go of my notion that my style of up before the sun is any better than your style of thriving at night. Appreciate your truths how God made us all exactly the way he intended and we can praise Him for that instead of judging or feeling bad.
Oh Jenny, how I appreciate your honesty and openness here! Thank you for taking the time to read and to let the words sink into your heart. I’m very grateful for your comment.
Why must we put so much pressure on ourselves? So many expectations that we (apparently) make up our own blessed selves out of guilt, comparison, fear. Amen a thousand times for not apologizing for who we are. 🙂 (This reminds me, I just finished reading Kelly Balarie’s _Battle Ready_ yesterday, and something she addressed in there was—instead of saying “I’m sorry for…,” say “Thank you for your grace with me for…,” etc. (Not exact quote and I can’t remember which pages, but thought you might appreciate that re-framing technique. I liked that. 🙂 ) P.S.) You will be in heaven once your kiddos hit their teen years—you can’t get those younguns out of bed early for anything when they’re teens! 🙂 Something to look forward to. 🙂 ((hug))
Anna, you could have been describing me to a tee!!! Husband, kids, mom, all of it except maybe the music choices and Netflix. LOL I think this is why I have to practice enjoying grace because it comes more naturally to feel guilty than it does to say thank You and move forward, flaws and all. I’ve never read a piece like this before. I usually read about the early risers and think, “I’m happy for them, but my body is wired totally differently!” Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. May you be blessed for sharing this. Hugs!
Love meeting all my fellow night owls, Pearl!! Hugs right back.
I’m geared toward night too, and I have heard just about everything, even that I shouldn’t eat so late, I can go to sleep after bowl of chili in peace, no problem but have indigestion from stress and noise, sometimes you can’t turn off the day. Night has a peace to it, the dark sacred night, and I think to myself, ” What a wonderful world. ” No apologies needed.
“The dark sacred night.” That is JUST how it feels to me too, Rebecca.
I’m such a bergen before coffee!! I used to be a night owl, but turned over to early bird status and love it now. I never thought I could wake up early. Each day is a gift and we all need to own who we are without guilt!! Loved your message!
Thank you Jen!! Glad I’m not the only Bergen in town. Ha!!!
Sigh. I needed that. And I sooo appreciate your authentic voice!
Hugs to you today, Charla!!
Thank you for that post! This year I will be 70 and it’s taken me about that long to not feel (very) apologetic about my circadian rhythm. Now that I can have a choice about the time I wake, it fluctuates greatly, but I usually am up much later than most people. Feeling apologetic is instilled at a very early age, if we go to a school and when we must work “standard” hours. I’ve never understood why I could put in more hours, many on my own time, than early bird co-workers and get at much or more done than many yet be called lazy because I arrive later than most.The person who penned that axiom about the early bird getting the worm was accurate but I wish he wasn’t. My criteria for needing to be concerned has changed. Now I ask, ” Am I there when I am needed? Am I there when I promised to be?” I’ve also learned to be understanding of myself when I make appointments and plans. God had to to make us this way with a specific purpose in mind and that’s always comforted me.
Janet! I love this whole comment! Your criteria is spot on, and I’m so glad you get the chance to lean into your own natural rhythms. What a gift.
I sooooooo love this! After soooooooo many years of not appreciating who I am and scolding myself……this is me…..for my family and friends…..and God made us all who we are. Sleeping in….or being too loud.,.or being bossy….this is me.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder of Who made us and how He made us and to not apologize for it, even all our quirks. I too often feel like i should wake up at 5 am and be productive and have my quiet time in before the kiddos wake up but that’s just not me…i am better in the evening. For 6 years I worked night shift as a nurse in a hospital so that tendency still sticks a bit even 8 years after being done working that shift. Great message Anna! Thank you!
Anna,
My hubby & I are constantly apologizing for who we are. Due to work schedules he is more the stay up late & sleep in guy on days off I yawn around 9-10. He happens to be a geeky introvert who loves being alone on his computer. I want him with me. I’m the emotional huger. Always wanting to snuggle on the couch. We are vastly different in many ways, but they say opposites attract. I believe God sent this great man to me. We are learning to give each other what we need. I’m going to stop apologizing for the woman God made me to be & start appreciating the man God gave me. God made us each unique. He isn’t surprised at all by who we are & what we do. My motto for years has been “if you don’t like me, tough-talk to God. He is the one who made me.”
Blessings 🙂
Wow! Thank you for this, I needed it today!
Too often I apologize, as all Moms probably do, for being me. I have a good friend who is always informing me of my daughters actions and things she says, and I started feeling like I have to apologize for her now! Well, I’m done! I just want to go through life as me and how I want. My husband never apologizes for being himself, which I admire. He has always been confident in his decisions and our family. I am living an imperfectly perfect life which I will embrace and thank God everyday for it! I am compassionate, cry easily, laugh a lot, happy and enjoy staying up late to read. Thank you for reminding me of the gifts God gave me and to view them as such! God Bless!
Anna, lately I feel pretty good before I go to bed around 11ish o’clock. More so than when I get up in a.m. and get ready for work. How did I get up early growing up on a farm and being in the military? Lazy afternoon today with watching tv and nobody here. Too hot outside to do a few things outdoors. I liked to stay up late when my children were younger so I could write letters…before the internet. Homeschooling made life busy then. But God loves me anyway and helps me thru each day. I’m thankful for the life He’s chosen for me to walk.
Thank you so much for writing this. I’m crying after reading it, I’ve been drowning in a sea of self-hatred because I’m not at what I think I should be as a human being. I’ve been contemplating for months on how to beat the self-hatred, and I recently realized that self-compromise is a big part of the issue. I’m not being true to what I want & am more concerned with what I think others want, as well as what I think I should have become if I hadn’t become disabled. What you wrote really put it into a new light for me. By fighting who I am & how I am made I’m not just compromising myself, I’m compromising God. So I want to turn my focus to, as you said, cultivating instead of fighting my self. Thank you again!
Anna, thank you for your wise words and timely reminder. Now I need to pray for perspective on what to accept and what to fight.
Thanks for this reminder that it’s OK to be myself. Not that I don’t need to work on areas of weakness or learn self-control, etc., but I naturally tend towards guilt and judging myself (and others). Which reminds me, we can also extend this grace and understanding to those around us.
I’m right with you on the “teenager” late-night, sleep-in schedule, and I routinely feel guilty about it, even though it works with my current part-time work schedule and my young adult sons who live with us at home (while attending community college). While I still feel the need to be more intentional with my unscheduled time, thank-you for confirming that I don’t need to fit into someone else’s mold.
How beautiful that God designed us all so perfectly differently.