My head dropped as my eyes squeezed shut. I willed the lump in my throat to disappear. My eyes blinked too many times in an attempt to hold back tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. Would it be weird if I got up and stepped out in the middle of the meeting?
Terrible words rang in my ears. Annoying. Failure. Bad mom. Too much. Not enough — things that had been said about me and lies that I had believed. My mind raced as shame flooded my thoughts, screaming for my attention.
The meeting continued, and our pastor suggested we all bow our heads in prayer. I sighed in relief, raising my hands to my face and slowly brushing my eyes. No one could see my tears.
As my co-workers raised their voices to God for the people of our church and the Sunday ahead, I had only one plea, ”Help me to get through today without a meltdown.” Their voices faded as I pled my case, “God, there is too much. I’m drowning with the weight of it. I’m paralyzed in my failure. I don’t want these people to see me fall apart. Help me!” My heart raced as I imagined the day ahead.
I don’t know what I expected God to do. He could not take away the tasks: the holiday meal, the work that needed to be done at church, the care that needed to be given to my kids. The things that had been said about me, true or not, could not be unheard. As I prayed, I also wondered, “How much more can I take? How much longer can I keep getting back up?”
It was in this endless internal chatter that I felt God whisper, “I am allowing this today because you need to let it go. You cannot carry it all.”
As this realization hit my core, my eyes welled with tears. I laid my head on the table and wept.
A warm hand rested on my back. A chair scraped the floor as it moved closer. I wasn’t alone.
Why do I believe the lie that I have to carry it all? Why am I unable to be human with my friends? Why do I continue to wear the mask of calm and put-together? More importantly, why do I try to battle shame on my own?
From the very beginning, God created us to live in community.
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18 (NIV)
God knew that we should not do life alone. Even before sin entered the world, He knew we would all need help — both men and women.
In Luke 10, when Jesus sent out seventy-two people to go into the places where He was headed, He sent them out two by two. God knew that they — and we — would encounter challenges. Words that cut deeply, and feelings that would be hurt. Life that doesn’t end in happily ever after. We need others to hold us up when we cannot stand on our own.
We are meant to live life together, and shame is battled by hearing the truth through one another.
Often, I can’t hear what’s true because of the thoughts in my head. I pull the terrible words in close and allow them to define me. I give them power over me.
But later that week, when I sat with a friend hearing what God had been doing in her life and likewise sharing my own stories, my heart squeezed as I was transported back to that moment in the meeting. My heart raced as I opened up to the pain.
My friend reflected back what I knew in my head but had trouble believing in my heart: What had been said about me didn’t define me. It wasn’t even true.
In sharing my story, not only had I been seen, but I was also given God’s truth: I am a child of God. He has redeemed me. Nothing I have done makes Him love me any more or any less.
It’s possible I may have learned the truth eventually. I could have read it in a book. But there was a sweetness in telling it to my friend and allowing her to care for me. She saw my hurt and pain, and she loved me in that moment of open vulnerability.
It’s risky, this vulnerability. The risk is hard, and it has the potential to be painful. It requires that I take off my mask of calm and put-together and allow friends to see my struggle. There is the possibility of rejection or worse, of unsolicited answers to my problem.
But there is also joy in sharing life. When I take off my mask, it gives my friend permission to take off hers. We find joy and communion when we open ourselves up, and we love each other well when we speak truth over the shame and lies we once believed.
How do you fight shame?
We are meant to live life together, and shame is battled by hearing the truth through one another. -Sarah Boonstra: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
There is SO much risk to this, and yet we will never discover the truth of it without the risk. Thank you, Sarah, for daring to share the messiness of it here. And I believe that if someone goes first and confesses their slide toward despair or their broken heart that others will dare to follow.
I try so hard to take care of everyone’s needs that I feel like a vessel with a hole in it. No matter how hard I try to hold on to something for ME, I just feel totally drained of all sense of possible peace. Living with a nagging husband whose temper flares up easily and who has narcissistic tendencies does wonders to sabotage my peace. That’s why God fills that void – when I let Him. I am one who wears the mask of ‘happy happy joy joy’ when inside my heart is breaking. Knowing that God sees me and knows EVERTHING about me and knows EVERY feeling I am experiencing is what helps me navigate through this valley of tears.
You are a child of God. Sometimes God doesn’t ask us to wear the mask of “happy, happy, joy, joy”. Praying that that you experience God’s peace and the loving care of your community as you navigate this.
Thanks for sharing, I struggle with the negative voices and shame. It’s so hard for me to open up and trust someone. I built this wall around my heart. Because I don’t want to be rejected, hurt or feel like a failure. Hearing your message and others helps me to go boldly to God and ask him to help guide my mind and heart!
Sarah,
You shared great truths here. The best way to fight the evil one is through community. Find a trusted friend & just tell them your story. Emily P. Freeman said in her book Grace for the Good Girl: “It’s time to take off the masks of perfection & be ourselves.” Why do Christians believe we must be perfect in order to be loved? That’s a lie!! God loves us unconditionally. He loved us even in our sin state. Life down here in the messy middle between two Edens is hard enough. God never intended for us to do this life alone. He said we would have trials & tribulations down here. He has sent the Holy Spirit & others to help us. It can be risky to tell someone, but you just may find a “you too” in that person. God asks us to pray & encourage one another. We can’t do that if we don’t know the problems. He doesn’t expect you to carry all the burdens on your own. He expects you to cast your cares on Him. Let’s all take off the masks & get real with each other. It will lighten the load & we will feel much better.
Blessings 🙂
Sarah,
You shared great truths here. The best way to fight the evil one is through community. Find a trusted friend & just tell them your story. Emily P. Freeman said in her book Grace for the Good Girl: “It’s time to take off the masks of perfection & be ourselves.” Why do Christians believe we must be perfect in order to be loved? That’s a lie!! God loves us unconditionally. He loved us even in our sin state. Life down here in the messy middle between two Edens is hard enough. God never intended for us to do this life alone. He said we would have trials & tribulations down here. He has sent the Holy Spirit & others to help us. It can be risky to tell someone, but you just may find a “you too” in that person. God asks us to pray & encourage one another. We can’t do that if we don’t know the problems. He doesn’t expect you to carry all the burdens on your own. He expects you to cast your cares on Him. Let’s all take off the masks & get real with each other. It will lighten the load & we will feel much better.
This made me cry. It felt like you telling my story. Practicing vunerability is still hard, but I’m getting better at it. The value I experience is how I can do it again, and again… Finding those who have the right to share in my journey is a gift only God could have orchestrated. The unexpected result of such relationships has been the turned table of being the support and encouragement at times. The fabric of life being woven.
Beautiful, what would life be like if we all exposed our mess without shame? Thank you for this wonderfully written story and for your courage to share. You inspire us all!
Thanks for sharing. I feel so hopeless and helpless words cannot describe. The last 3-4 years have been a struggle beyond description. Tremendous loses, incredible hurt and pain, betrayals, sadness that cannot be sooth, legal, personal, financial, health issues. Every aspect of my lufe is so dark right now, please pray that the Lord will show me the right steps to make.
Prayers that you will know and follow the path God has for you.
June, praying for you! Praying that the God of comfort will comfort you now. That you will experience his love in such a tangible way.
Sarah, thanks for sharing a piece of the real you. Like you, I’m learning authenticity might incur pain but it’s the only path to real relationship. The other day I told my husband, “Isn’t it strange to think we were never created to feel fear? (Or shame, or despair, or any of that.) Those emotions are so common it’s hard to imagine life without them. Sure makes heaven that much more appealing!
You are loved.