She sat at the table staring out the window, waiting for me to get my coffee. Her eyes were distant when I slipped into my chair, and I sensed something was wrong.
“Renee, how do you do it? You seem like you love being a mom and I feel like I’m sinking. I have no idea what I am doing.”
It was the beginning of a vulnerable conversation and a gut-honest confession: I love my kids, but I haven’t always loved, or liked, being a mom.
When my boys turned into toddlers who wouldn’t listen, I panicked inside. All the other moms looked like they knew what they were doing. Secretly, I wondered, What is wrong with me?
I was young, and my expectations were high. Surely, I should know how to stop my three-year-old from trying to climb out of the grocery cart without causing a scene. And why couldn’t I get my five-year-old to understand we could not buy every item his little hand could touch?
I felt like such a failure.
Almost daily, I compared how I felt on the inside to how other moms looked like they had it all together on the outside.
Holding up my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in contrast to the moms who dressed their children in matching outfits and clothed themselves with attitudes of grace and wisdom, I wondered how in the world they pulled it off with a smile? I could barely get a shower, get my kids dressed, and get us out the door before lunch.
I wanted to quit.
One afternoon, I came home from running too many errands with two tired and fussy kids. After putting my boys down for an early nap, I searched our house for pink construction paper so I could write “I QUIT” on it and turn in my “pink slip” when my husband got home from work that day.
While the boys were napping, I pulled out my journal and wrote down all my disappointments and frustrations, questions and fears. I’ll never forget how I felt inside as these words spilled on the page, “Lord, I can’t do this! I just want to quit.”
The worst part was believing God was just as disappointed in me as I was in myself. Yet in that messy place of surrender, it felt like His peace came and sat beside me. Like a deep breath, His presence calmed me.
Opening my journal again, I wrote down what I sensed God whispering to my heart: You’re right, Renee. In your own strength and with your own perspective, you can’t do this. But with My promises, My perspective, My presence, and My power, all things are possible. I will help you become the mom you want to be, the mom I created you to be, the mom your kids need you to be.
Turning the pages of my Bible to a familiar promise, I found comfort and courage in these words: “You give me your protective shield; your right hand supports me; your willingness to help enables me to prevail” (Psalm 18:35 NET).
I needed a new place to start.
The day I wanted to quit became a new starting place for me. It was the day I started to realize how unhealthy my critical thoughts and comparisons were and how much of a residual effect they had on me and my kids.
It was the beginning of God unraveling my false beliefs about Him and unrealistic expectations of myself. In the days that followed, as I set aside time to evaluate what was shaping my perspective, God reshaped my understanding of His heart towards me as His daughter, and how He wanted to parent me as His child. Over time, His grace and truth transformed how I saw myself as a mom and shaped the ways I began to parent my children.
Wherever you are, God wants to meet you there. If you’re in a hard place and feeling like you want to quit, I’m praying for you today, asking Jesus to help you find your own new place to start.
Wherever you are, God wants to meet you there. -@reneeswope: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Renee,
Critical thoughts and Comparison….two things every mom needs to kick to the curb if she wants to survive. I wish I knew then what I know now: God does not get disappointed in us. It’s not Biblical. It’s not in God’s vocabulary. We get disappointed in ourselves and others, but God doesn’t view us that way. We assign a human feeling to God that He just doesn’t possess. Between the lies we say to ourselves and those the enemy feeds us, being a mom can be a spiritual battle. I love the version of the Psalm you shared…He enables me to prevail. God is ready to fight our battles for us – to come to our rescue when we want to raise the white flag of surrender. Comparison? We all wear our public mask of “I’ve got it all together.” Oh how I wish we’d all drop the act and realize we’re all insecure to some degree and we will never win the comparison game. Comparing yourself to a fantasy version of someone else only lands you in despair. Thanks Renee for giving all moms out there the balm of God’s truth. Moms…its really rough and dirty sometimes, but take hope, you are the deeply loved and delighted in by God. Lean into Him.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Amen, amen!! Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now. Those little boys are 24 and 21, and goodness Im so thanksful for that day I hit my own rock bottom and He lifted me up out of that miry pit and gave my feet a firm place to stand. It changed everything that day, and in the days that followed. And boy has it helped me be gentle on myself as a mom while parenting our daughter who we adopted when the boys were 11 and 13. Grace, amazing grace. What a gift!!
Renee,
The evil one is sneaky & prowling around. He loves nothing more than to make us compare ourselves to others. That is just a lie. We need to quit comparing ourselves to others. God made us all unique. We all have different talents. While those other people/moms may seem to have it all together on the outside-they could easily be struggling with something also. Parenting is a hard job in & of itself. These days & times makes it so much harder. God will equip us for each & every task/job He assigns us. He will supply the strength & energy to get through each day. We must pray diligently for God to show up & help us get through the rough times. God gave those children/tasks to you & your spouse. He knew you would be the best person for that position. Let’s pray to God for the strength & guidance we need.
Blessings 🙂
Amen!
Amen!!! He supplies everything we need for every assignment He entrusts to us!
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this! I find myself in a joy-sucking mindset often as a mom…it’s hard to work full-time and be a good mom, good wife, good friend, keep a clean hoise…and it’s only by God’s grace and peace that this can be transformed. I needed the reminder today that moms are also children in God’s eyes. It will be my aim to adopt His attitude when mine needs some adjusting. And I have found that when we are vulnerable about our “mom” struggles, the “perfect” moms we saw in others let down their guards and we can share our struggles together as friends, not adversaries or competitors. God bless you!
So true, how when we share our own vulnerabilities and struggles it gives permission and creates a safe place for other moms to let their guards down and encourage one another in this journey called motherhood. We are all still children, learning from our Heavenly Daddy how to be the best mom and we let Him parent, nurture, encourage and lead us first. Praying for you today Andrea (and if you could use some more encouragement, be sure to hop over to my blog where I am sharing more of what happened that day, and how it impacted my parenting perspective for the 20 years that followed – my 4 year-old little boy just turned 24!! https://reneeswope.com/2019/05/i-love-my-kids-but-i-havent-always-loved-being-a-mom/
I myself turned in a pink slip just last night. I have had to struggle from the time I was about 12 and still today. I have one son with special needs and another one with learning disabilities. I strive daily to make the Lord first because I know and believe that apart from Him I can’t do it or make it. Yet I find myself drowning in doubt, sadness, and loneliness. I pray and nothing. At this point I don’t know anymore. Prayers please!!
Dearest Heavenly Father,
Wrap your precious grace around Arnesia so she can feel the delight you have for her. Bring her supportive friends that can bear these challenges along side her. Give strength and energy to her soul, body, and mind. Let her hear you rejoice over her with your singing…
God takes awhile. he hears each heart broken prayer but what I learned is that he wants to see what we do in that time after we pray until he sends his answer..do we give up ? do we read his word and push on ? he is listening I’m confident after being in hard times too.
Grab your bible ; cup of tea and take a deep breath. each morning was made new for a reason. ! am praying for you today and wishing you great strength.
Arnesia, I am so sorry for all that you have been through and are going through. I have a daughter with developmental delays as well as neurological and intellectual disabilities and it is really HARD. Being a mom is a gift and it can be really, really exhausting and overwhelming. I’ve been praying for you all day but just now getting a chance to hop online and I wanted to tell you::
YOU are rocking this mom-thing more than you know. YOU are braver and STRONGER than you think and YOUR KIDS are so blessed to call YOU their mom. YOU are giving and you are growing, and they see God’s love through your sacrifices. (even if they never tell you so) Please know, YOU don’t have to do it all, and you don’t have to figure it all out. I know prayers feel unanswered and God seems silent. I’ve asked for so many things for my kids that didn’t come. But I have seen that He will supply what you need today and tomorrow, and each day — one day at a time.
Remember, YOU are first and foremost, a child of God. You are learning from your Heavenly Daddy how to be the best mom. As you let Him love you, nurture you, encourage you, parent you and lead you, you will learn how to be the best parent for your kids.
Also, I’d love to share with you what happened that day after I wrote in my journal, and how it impacted my parenting perspective for the 20 years that followed. Just a week ago, my 4-year-old son turned 24 years old!! Here’s a link to a post I wrote to encourage moms just like you >>> https://reneeswope.com/2019/05/i-love-my-kids-but-i-havent-always-loved-being-a-mom/
Renee, thank you so much for sharing your heart. I have been feeling down about some struggles in my own life. This post came at just the right time.
Im so glad it encouraged you Bridget!! Thank you for letting me know . 🙂
I have also been guilty of putting my hope in all the wrong places: having a “perfect” family, getting my ducks in a row, producing kids who are great athletes/students/musicians/pillars of the faith.
It’s just all too much to sustain–and too little to feed my soul.
Thank you for sharing your heart encouragement with all the pink slip seekers so the transformation can begin.
Perfection is such a lie! An endless cycle of seeking what will never really satisfy and feeling like we never measure up. Whether in motherhood, marriage, work, ministry, finances and even faith. Ugh. Im so glad God knows how to show us what we really need, and then gently offers it to us free of cost!
I think every one of us reaches this place of wanting to quit in the messyness of it all. I don’t know why we think we should automatically have a grasp on motherhood when everything else is a process of trial and error as we learn. I love that God is not disappointed in us, even we are. And I think we give God so much more to work with when we realize we don’t have it all together…His glory shines even brighter through us as he equips and strengthens us (his beloved daughters) for the calling of motherhood.
I coudn’t agree more Crystal – with every single thing you said!! Preach it sister!
Remembering that God does not think like us and does not view us the way we sometimes view ourselves with disappointment and negativity when life as a mum is hard is oh so important to know!! I’ve cried many times and been angry thinking God must be angry at me too over the years, but your right he has chosen us to be the mum to our kids for a reason. We are not perfect and comparison only steals any joy we have…others are doing it just the same in one way or another. Parenting is hard and when you pass through one phase expect that another one is just around the corner. These kids are a gift it’s so hard but do rewarding! It’s draining, exhausting and to have a piece of your heart out walking around is worrying but yet the joy when it comes, the love it’s like nothing else in this world!! I pray that God will forgive my mistakes and there are A LOT of them but with Gods help I will prevail at this journey called motherhood.
Blessings to you Renee! You are good enough, we all are!! Thanks for just being real and telling it like it is, we’ve all been there!
Jas, I love that this post encouraged you. And Im praying it sticks to your heart for the hards days.
I wonder if, as women, we expect ourselves to know what we’re doing as moms. Afterall, a woman’s body creates a baby without her telling it what to do, so shouldn’t we be able to pick up from there, no instructions needed? We were created for this, right! Maybe there’s an underlying belief and unspoken expectation that makes us so hard on ourselves. And I wonder if being a mom in the church adds an extra layer of pressure for some of us.
Like you, I have made mistakes and still do (my “little” boys are now 21 and 24) and we have a 10-year-old daughter too. God’s grace has been a gift I needed with every single mess up. But me apologizing to them when I do, and asking for their forgiveness, has been one of the most powerful lessons of all. They learned that mom isn’t perfect and they don’t have to be either.
I see us moms as a sisterhood of warriors and cheerleaders, influencers and builders, legacy makers and children of God who fail and fall, look up, reach up, get up and try again. My prayer is that today’s post helps us see how much we need to be loved and parented by God, so we can love ourselves and our kids better each day. 🙂
It’s so funny how God works. I literally walked down the stairs this morning and said to my husband “I changed my mind. I don’t want to be a parent anymore.” :). My issues isn’t toddlers, my boys are 14, 16, and 21. The issues at this age seem harder, more life changing, and important to get right. From pornography to drinking to sex before marriage…the difficult conversations we have on a seemingly constant basis finally wore me down yesterday. I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore or that my influence truly doesn’t matter any more. This is such a fantastic reminder that no, on my own I really CAN’T do it!! But I’m NOT alone. I have the power and authority of the Lord behind me and he can provide the strength and grace needed to continue. Perfect timing on this article!
Leighellen, hang in there mama, you are doing better than you think!! Those little boys I wrote about are now 21 and 24, and we have a ten-year-old daughter now too — goodness I hear you! Parenting is no joke! Every season brings new unknowns, new challenges, new levels of faith for us and prayers for them! Those teen and young adult years are harder in a lot of ways, less physical and more emotional – weighty for sure!
We are really enjoying this season now that our boys are both young, maturing, really amazing adults. But mercy, I had no idea how hard it would be to get here. And we’ve still got a girl to grow through the teen years. Praying we survive :)!
Thank you for laying out the hard truth of being a parent coupled with the truth we can do all things with God’s strength. Blessings to you today.
You are so welcome!! I needed to be reminded too!! 🙂
oh thank you for your honesty in your writing. been there…i homeschool my high school kids. ever taught calculas or another language or auto body at home ?? I feel overwhelmed and under educated. but guess what ? God has our family exactly where he wants them and in that he provides such strength for me. every year my kids pass with flying marks and love it ! I am sure alot of moms who look like they have it together are faking it or they rely on God too. he loves us so much not to pull away. I learned very early in life the truth of Jeremiah 29: 11…yes God has a hope and future for us …and bringing us along the way also pleasures him. To all the moms hang in there this is top work you are doing and God does have your back..even on the ” I Quit ” days..lol…
Hail to you amazing high school homeschooling mom!! I can’t imagine, but I kinda want to come to your auto body class to learn a few things. 🙂
Isn’t it amazing to watch God come through like He has and see your kids thrive? I’m so glad you are trusting Him to do what you can’t do without Him in your parenting and schooling. I love the joy and faith I hear in your words, and in your cheers for us all!
thank you that was nice. yes amazing when we hand it all over to him..
I took a chance..i trusted and now I am so happy ! I always laugh and say it’s easier then it sounds !!
On my, I needed to read this today! Thank you so much!
Im so glad made sure you saw it and read it so you’d know He’s there. He sees how hard you’re working and how much you’re trying. I pray you’d be able to sit with Him and rest, and let Him love on and Father your weary heart today. xoxo ~Renee
I thought about turning in my pink slip today. Thank you for this most timely word and encouraging reminder.
You are so welcome, April. I’m so glad God’s timing in having it run was just when you needed it. Praying for you right now.
Hi Renee! Being a mom is HARD and heart work!! 🙂 I’m moved by your vulnerable words, speaking from a place that is honest and also touched by what God has whispered to you. Thank you for sharing from your heart and journey. I’m looking forward to seeing you in just a little bit at the (in)courage retreat and enjoy your company this week’s journey, friend! 🙂 I can finally give you a big fat hug!!! love, Bonnie
It was SO good to see you sweet friend!!! And to finally hug you in real life. Hope I’ll get to see you again and have even more time to connect. Can’t wait to read Whispers of Rest and start listening to your podcast (with it’s new name) this summer, too!! xoxoxoxo