I sat in the front row of church Sunday and wept. My husband, Sam, is a pastor, and every week I reluctantly sit beside him in the front row. I like my husband; I don't like sitting in the front. If it were up to me, I'd sit in the back, alone. I like the idea of a dark chapel where it feels like I can hide. I want empty seats beside me so I can ...
I just wanted to hide. I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone. I escaped into the bathroom, leaned my back against the door, unbuttoned the top button of my jeans and exhaled. In here, I could be myself. I didn’t have to carry the conversation, suck in my gut, worry about how loud the kids were being, or keep the party going. I didn’t have to ...
I bought myself flowers from Trader Joes last week. White hydrangeas, little yellow daisies, and long, green, leafy filler. I arranged the bouquets into a mason jar and instead of placing it by the kitchen sink or on the entry way table, I set them beside my bed. I’ve never done this before. Flowers aren’t cheap and die quickly. All three ...
I’ve been biting my fingernails a lot. I pick and play with my cuticles when I’m anxious. I’ve been nervous about a lot of things recently -- more things than I care to admit. I’m nervous about my kids drowning, the number in our bank account, the responsibilities I’ve committed to. I’m embarrassed because I haven’t taught my kids how to do ...
I remember hanging up the phone and sobbing. It felt like someone had ripped out my soul, swallowed it, and then spit it out. I don’t remember the last time I cried with my entire body, but that night I did. The conversation I had with a dear friend quickly turned south and years of buried pain came to the surface. Between heated accusations and ...
I don’t need an excuse to celebrate. I will come up with any reason to load the kids into the car and go get ice cream. I have no problem declaring that a random Tuesday is movie night with popcorn and candy. I love living outside the lines of normal, regular, and ordinary. I want to raise my kids to see the world in wonder. I want them to climb ...
I know the feeling of walking into a room and your presence going unnoticed. I know what it’s like to have friends walk away, siblings drift apart, and job promotions pass you by. I’ve been trapped in the torturous cycle of beauty comparison and house envy. So often, I feel like I am on the outside. No matter what I do or how much I try, I cannot ...
My kids were sick a few weeks ago and had to miss church. I lay quietly on the couch stroking my daughter’s hair as fever felt like a sunburn, hot and sensitive across her skin. There was an inner exhale. It was Sunday. Today, I didn’t have to overthink my outfit. I didn’t have to hustle or prep my kids alone. Today, I didn’t have to worry about ...
We were childhood friends, college roommates. We shared the carpool lane on our commute and were coworkers in ministry. We were best friends. At least I thought we were. I remember the last conversation we had. She needed space. I needed approval. She needed space. I demanded answers. That conversation was nearly fifteen years ago, and we haven’t ...
It’s okay to be sad. When airport runs are nearly done, and the tree is crisp with dead needles, it’s okay to be sad. When the hallways are silent and the night is still, it’s okay to miss the scurry of little toes and cheerful giggles. When the rush of church services and the hustle of wrapping is done, we can feel like the leftovers in the fridge ...
