Although I’ve walked through many hard seasons, this one has been the hardest and the longest. I’ve come to call it ‘the season that keeps on giving.’ If you’ve ever been there, you know — it’s the season that knocks the wind out of you and takes every ounce of strength just to get out of bed. Some days, I don’t.

I have been left wondering if breakthrough will ever come.

The past couple of months, the trials have amped up. My health has been a bit off. Three dear friends passed away within the span of several weeks, then my car engine died, and I’m in the midst of figuring out my second move in five months.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I am downright weary. For over a year, every area of my life has been in some sort of test or trial or attack. In many ways, the enemy has taken some ground in my life. It wasn’t for a lack of my trying to resit, to defend, to stand my ground. But, at some point, I did tap out a little.

My word for the year has been rest — but this year has felt anything but restful. Still, the Lord keeps pressing it into my heart through sermons, songs, books, and friends.

I’ve realized how much my independence fights against rest. My default is to grit my teeth, pull up my bootstraps, and power through. But at its core, that’s pride — believing I can do it all without God or others.

God desires that we be fully dependent on Him. He wants us to trust Him with everything… our provision, our relationships, our hearts, our health, our world. Everything means everything. It’s definitely easier said than done.

True rest isn’t found in my striving or in trying to solve every problem myself. That only leads to exhaustion and spinning in circles. Real rest comes when I surrender and trust God to move in the ways He knows are best.

I’ve wanted to give up more times than I can count. I have wept more times than I care to admit. This season has not been marked with great faith or trust or hope. It has been marked by feeble prayers, doubts, questions, fear, and worry. I haven’t been the “model” Christian. The offering I’ve given to the Lord has been broken hallelujahs and “I praise You” through sobs.

This has been a season of lament and fellowshipping with Christ in His sufferings. I find great comfort that Jesus knows the pain we experience in this life because He experienced it. He knew the pain of betrayal, persecution, grief, need, hunger, rejection, conflict, and death. He knew. He felt. But, He didn’t stay there. He always set His eyes on the Father.

I love the Psalms for that reason. David and other psalmists began much of their writings in some form of turmoil and anguish, but would end in worship and praise to a good God. In this season, I am somewhere in the middle.

I’ve walked through a lot of lows with some hill moments sprinkled in. But, the Lord has been so kind and gracious and patient with me. He has honored my obedience to spend time in communion with Him and to reach out to friends. I’ve been vulnerable in sharing my honest thoughts and feelings. I didn’t have to dress up my situations with platitudes.

These friends have encouraged me, blessed me, and been generous to me. They have prophesied and fervently prayed and warred for me. They have held my arms up, had faith for me when I didn’t have it myself, and declared the future and hope that God has for me. They have reminded me of the Father’s goodness and faithfulness in the midst of the chaos surrounding me.

Along with rest, the Lord has been speaking the word endurance to me. Verses such as Romans 5:3-4, James 1:2-4, and James 1:12 have reminded me of such bittersweet truths during trials and suffering. We are blessed when we remain steadfast under trials. We are to count trials as joy. We are called to rejoice in our sufferings. Those sufferings produce endurance, character, and hope in us.

It hasn’t been easy, but His grace has sustained me — and my community has helped carry me when I couldn’t carry myself.

Some of my circumstances are beginning to lift, and I feel a little more joy and hope breaking through. God is turning things around, and I know He will be faithful to finish what He’s started.

If your season feels endlessly long and hard, He is right there with you. I’d love to pray for you!

 

Listen to Karina’s devotion here or wherever you stream podcasts.

 

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