May 5, 2002
I know you are real. The prophecies, the manuscript evidence, etc. I have seen you do amazing things in me and in others. You are real, but right now I just don’t feel you. It is so strange to me that I am questioning and trying to understand your love for me. I never thought I could be at this place. The weekend’s theme at the retreat was all about your love. But then I think, You love everyone. How is it special that you love me?’ What can I do to be close to you? Wait? Go into a serving ministry? Fast? Go through a hard time? I know it sounds crazy, but I do envy Sally for the closeness she has to you as a result of the devastation she is experiencing from her husband cheating on her and leaving her. And I envy Pastor Steve. As a result of his illness, he is so close to you. Please draw me close. Whatever it takes. A cool verse I found yesterday in II Chronicles 20:12 “We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”
Eight Years Later . . .
When I wrote that in my journal years ago I had no idea that my “hard time” was growing inside of me. And the closeness to you that I so desired was just around the corner. You knew that the baby I had growing inside of me had Trisomy 13. You knew she would ditch us for heaven after four days on earth. When I was in that spiritual desert and felt disconnected to you, you were not disconnected to me. In your great and specific love for me, the love that I did not feel at the time, you were there. You were preparing me and teaching me. You were loving me. And I was wondering, Are you there God? It’s me Wendy.
When the doctor at our 20-week ultrasound went down the list of all of the defects our baby had and then told us our firstborn would probably not make it to birth . . . tears, shock, grief, disappointment and . . . peace. Peace that passes all understanding. Peace that makes no sense. I found myself out of the desert and onto your lap. You were there all along.
In that desert you had ingrained in me a message and a verse. In the desert, I had no application for that message. I thought I wasn’t learning anything or growing spiritually. And yet, when the devastating news was delivered that verse immediately came to mind:
From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. (Acts 17:26) I knew that you were in control. You were in this situation.
You knew when and if our daughter would live. And I knew that you deeply loved me and my baby. (And I’m not just saying that because it was the only pregnancy that did not induce daily puking and hemorrhoids.)
In the months that followed I felt and understood God’s love for me more than I ever had before. I have learned that the desert is not really a desert when you are seeking God. In some way He is always loving, teaching, growing, preparing, and speaking to His children. If you are in a spiritual desert right now keep seeking Him. Take heart. He is at work. He is real and He loves you.