May 5, 2002

Dear God,

I know you are real. The prophecies, the manuscript evidence, etc. I have seen you do amazing things in me and in others. You are real, but right now I just don’t feel you. It is so strange to me that I am questioning and trying to understand your love for me. I never thought I could be at this place. The weekend’s theme at the retreat was all about your love. But then I think, You love everyone. How is it special that you love me?’ What can I do to be close to you? Wait? Go into a serving ministry? Fast? Go through a hard time? I know it sounds crazy, but I do envy Sally for the closeness she has to you as a result of the devastation she is experiencing from her husband cheating on her and leaving her. And I envy Pastor Steve. As a result of his illness, he is so close to you. Please draw me close. Whatever it takes. A cool verse I found yesterday in II Chronicles 20:12 “We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

Eight Years Later . . .

Dear God,

When I wrote that in my journal years ago I had no idea that my “hard time” was growing inside of me. And the closeness to you that I so desired was just around the corner. You knew that the baby I had growing inside of me had Trisomy 13. You knew she would ditch us for heaven after four days on earth. When I was in that spiritual desert and felt disconnected to you, you were not disconnected to me. In your great and specific love for me, the love that I did not feel at the time, you were there. You were preparing me and teaching me. You were loving me. And I was wondering, Are you there God? It’s me Wendy.

When the doctor at our 20-week ultrasound went down the list of all of the defects our baby had and then told us our firstborn would probably not make it to birth . . . tears, shock, grief, disappointment and . . . peace. Peace that passes all understanding. Peace that makes no sense. I found myself out of the desert and onto your lap. You were there all along.

In that desert you had ingrained in me a message and a verse. In the desert, I had no application for that message. I thought I wasn’t learning anything or growing spiritually. And yet, when the devastating news was delivered that verse immediately came to mind:

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. (Acts 17:26) I knew that you were in control. You were in this situation.

You knew when and if our daughter would live. And I knew that you  deeply loved me and my baby. (And I’m not just saying that because it was the only pregnancy that did not induce daily puking and hemorrhoids.)


In the months that followed I felt and understood God’s love for me more than I ever had before. I have learned that the desert is not really a desert when you are seeking God. In some way He is always loving, teaching, growing, preparing, and speaking to His children. If you are in a spiritual desert right now keep seeking Him. Take heart. He is at work. He is real and He loves you.

By Wendy The Totally Desperate Mom

  • Gwen

    Thank you for this post. My husband and I just lost our fourth baby to miscarriage yesterday. We are truly devastated beyond words. Right now, nothing describes where we are in life more than a desert—alone, lost, searching. I am waiting on the Lord right now for comfort and direction. I know He loves us and has a greater plan for us and that is what is comforting me at the moment. I am so sorry for your loss. I am thankful our babies are wrapped in His love now.

  • Stacey

    When God meets us in that place…it is bittersweet. Sweet because He draws near, bitter because often we are asked to surrender our heart and the things we hold dearly to.

    Wendy – thanks for sharing your story. God is real and He does love you!

  • April

    Isn’t it funny how we envy those around us because they feel hardship and therefore closer to God than we do? I have been in that place and then found out very shortly that I was in my own time of hardship and should have just enjoyed my “up time” with God. I am deeply sorry for your loss, but see that God has used it in your life greatly! My mother lost a child a few hours after he was born due to a growth defect of his skull. It can be such a devastating thing, but you have turned it around for good. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

  • Holley Gerth

    “The desert is not really a desert when you are seeking God.” Yes, Wendy, so good and right and true. Thank you for this beautiful, honest post. It reminded me of Psalms and how David struggled through the hard back to hope. Thank you!

  • Rebekah

    This is absolutely beautiful and I totally get it. And I’m kind of in the opposite situation. God is so completely obvious to me right now. I see Him everywhere. Every day. And I wonder…what is He preparing me for? It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s so strange.

    But seriously, these words spoke to me this morning. Thanks so much for being real and honest. It is appreciated!!

  • Wendy Hagen

    Gwen, I am so so so sorry for all your losses. Praying that you would receive God’s love and comfort and presence and that you would feel arms wrapped around your babies as well as yourself. I definitely don’t understand His ways or His timing, but I know He loves you. He loves you specifically.

  • Wendy Hagen

    Thanks Stacey!
    April, Sometimes it is just hard to live in the space we are at. To be content with wherever God has us. We are crazy, but God is good.
    Holley, Oh how the Psalms of David did comfort me through it all!
    Rebekah, What a great place to be! So great to be able to see Him like that!

  • Rachel

    I needed that reminder. In my own personal desert, I sometimes forget to seek God, and I can feel it. Thank you for reminding me of His love

  • Wendy Hagen

    Rachel – You’re welcome. He loves you!

  • Jeri @godsdreamsforme

    Very true that He knows and gives what we need before we need it. When it doesn’t make sense I’m writing it down and sure now I”ll need it later. Thank You Wendy.

  • Wendy Hagen

    Yes – writing it down is so good! So good to reflect and remember where we have been and what He has done. Especially with my postpartum mush, I mean, brain. I forget just about everything these days . . . my kids’ names, what I did yesterday, where I am supposed to be tomorrow . . .

  • Wendy Hagen

    Yes Jeri – writing it down is so good! So good to reflect and remember where we have been and what He has done. Especially with my postpartum mush, I mean, brain. I forget just about everything these days . . . my kids’ names, what I did yesterday, where I am supposed to be tomorrow . . .

  • Abby

    dear Wendy,

    precious daughter of the Abba Father…how you speak of His love and giving Him all things and that verse given even before…

    thank you for blessing with your story:)

  • Wendy Hagen

    Thanks for the encouraging words.

  • Jennifer

    Such a beautiful post.

  • Wendy Hagen

    Thanks Jennifer.

  • Kate @ Songs Kate Sang

    Wendy, Thank you so much for sharing this. I just lost twins at 10 weeks gestation. My good days are outnumbering my bad and God is so wonderful to me. Some days it just helps to know that I am not alone.

  • Rachel

    Wendy, I have tears in my eyes because we lost a baby, too. And my faith has been very much deepened as is my awareness of God’s love for me (and His love for my sweet baby boy that also as you say, “ditched us for Heaven” Ha!). Thanks for sharing this story of yours so beautifully.

  • Wendy Hagen

    The babies in heaven club. The one no one wants to be in. But what Satan meant for harm, God uses for good! Glad you also got a deepened awareness of God’s love for you in your journey of loss.