“Can you please get Elias’s shoes on and teeth brushed,” I snapped at my husband, Matthew.
It had been one of those mornings where everything was taking longer than it should and we were late.
Matthew turned out of the kitchen, shaking his head.
“What? Babe, I didn’t mean to snap. We are just late. I have a meeting. We need to go.”
“You just don’t hear yourself, Baby. I know you don’t mean it, but it really hurts my feelings when you talk to me in that tone of voice.”
{gulp}
“I’m sorry, hon. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better.”
My tone has always been something I have had to work on.
As a young girl, my mom would tell me not to be bossy to my little sister. I was the older one and needed to set a good example.
As a high school student, my teacher kindly told me to not talk so sharply.
As a young professional, my boss gently and graciously reminded me to always remember how I speak to others.
Words are powerful, aren’t they?
The bible talks about them a lot. The very representation of God in our lives is often manifested in our words.
And so I pray, asking God to make me softer, kinder, gentler and that my words would be like “honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones (Proverbs 16:24).
This month I have been meditating on Psalm 19:4:
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
I pray that this verse resonates with you too, especially in this month of Thanksgiving.
Peace be with you today.
Questions to discuss:
Do you ever struggle with your tone and words?
What do you do to help remind yourself to reflect God’s love through your words?
By Jessica Turner from The Mom Creative
Leave a Comment
melissa says
a sweet reminder. thank you so much. i am often…really often if i’m being honest…of the same thing. i snap at my husband, and firm with my co-workers and employees and way too often impatient with my children.
thank you for sharing your imperfections.
very encouraging.
i’m going to write this verse in my journal right now.
Robin ~ PENSIEVE says
Over the weekend, some long-time friends came to visit. We laughed and reminisced a lot and one of the things brought up was how I used to raise my voice to my kids. It surprised (and disturbed) me to hear that’s something that came to mind. I’ve always had a loud voice (easily moved to excitement…or sternness) but that THAT’S what they recall? Wow. Yuck.
Maybe they just like pointing fingers, but there’s definitely truth in it. I do think as I’ve gotten older and my kids are NOT doing the dangerous type things littles do (my oldest was four when my third was born), there’s just not the need to be as loud :).
Tone and inflection are just as important as the actual words; it’s interesting God, in his word) has left that for our imagination :).
How wise of you to HEAR what Matthew is saying and then pray and act to respond. That’s a BIG, effective first step :).
xo
lbaker says
Pst: I LOVE seeing your footprint trail all over the comments on (in). You = the special sauce!
Kasey says
It’s almost as if you were in my kitchen a few Sunday’s ago, I’m trying to get better. Thanks for the reminder.
Jessica Turner says
I’m thankful God has been refining me in this others – and that others can relate. 🙂
I Live in an Antbed says
Oh yes, me too!! “From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks”. So when the Lord reminds me of my tone, He also reminds me to look to my heart and allow Him to deal with it. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.” We have had this verse framed on each bathroom counter as a reminder of the Lord’s standards for our words.
yarnbelle says
Thank you for this timely post. I struggle with my words all. The. Time. So often I am critical when I need to take a deep breath and pray first. Or I misjudge a situation and immediately fire off my mouth instead of taking a moment to assess said situation rationally.
One thing I have noticed about myself is that I am more mindful of my speech in work and church situations but I just let words flow freely when I am around my family and loved ones. As if I somehow think they ought to be able to take it *shakes head at self* This double-mindedness is something I really need to work on. I always think of what Amy Carmichael said (paraphrasing here): A cup of sweet water can never spill a bitter drop, no matter how severely it’s jolted.
Jessica Turner says
I love what you shared about Amy Charmichael
Tiff says
The beautiful thing about this example is how graciously Matthew responded so his words could be heard. At our house, I’m afraid we tend to respond in like manner, with judgment, far too often. “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”
Jessica says
I always get in trouble for my tone too. Especially in the south. I Just moved from Nashville to Georgia for school and my prof sat me down when I first got here. He said in the south, especially Georgia, you have to small talk. I’m not good at small talk. Why do I have to ask you how your evening was when I really just want to tell you about the latest project? It is SO hard and I have to constantly remind myself to say how are you or how was ____ or any other question. He said he’s seen so many graduate students get asked to leave their placement because the teacher they are working with takes their inability to small talk to mean they know more than the teacher or are trying to boss her around. Small talk, chit chat, etc breaks down the strong tone I hold as an intellectual person who isn’t very strong in the acquaintance social skills! LOL Thanks for this post, I will check out those verses!
Holley Gerth says
Jess, I love that your heart is sensitive to this. As someone who has been with you in person, I want to share a bit about the other side of that “tone.” 🙂 When you use that tenacity you’ve got with words as a strength then it has an amazing ability to organize, calm, direct, and unite. You can bring a group together, join them in a worthy purpose, and help everyone involved take the steps needed. You encourage in a way that makes action happen–and I love that. So while you might need to change your tone at times (I’ve never experienced that part of you so I’m trusting your hubby and others you mentioned on that one) please don’t ever change the part of strong, beautiful you that helps us all in so many ways. XOXO
Jessica Turner says
Thank you, Holley. You are a good, sweet, encouraging friend. xoxo
Kandi says
Convicted! Yes, I definitely have a sharp tone…I know I need to work on it and I have lists of scripture that deals with words and their power and keeping them positive. But I needed this reminder today!
Sharon says
Yes. So often that i have that exact verse scribbled across the white board attached to the front of my fridge. Glad to know I’m not the only one, not that it makes it acceptable but to know someone is fighting the same battle right along side me.
It was a joy to meet you at Relevant.
Jessica Turner says
It was great to meet you too!
Adoption Mama says
Oh, every day as I homeschool my children, I hear tones…that I shouldn’t be hearing. But praise God through his mercy, He has helped them to be less and less pensive and loud. The tone is one thing I am responsible to provide to my family. May it be one that reflects love and patience. Thank you for these reminders.
Sarah K says
Thanks for this reminder today, Jessica. I had a moment very similar to yours just this morning, only I was on the phone with my husband. I struggle with this problem a lot. I’m definitely going to be writing that verse down to remember!
Shelli @ Hopefully Devoted says
My tone gets me in trouble much more often than my actual words. I usually don’t even realize that my tone is so biting sometimes. I’ve become more aware of it now that I hear the same tone in my son. Ouch! Now I know what I sound like. I’m working on me and also helping him see the power of tone.
Jessica Turner says
Yes, as our son speaks more and more, I think about how my tone and words will affect him.
Tracy says
Boy – this one hits aweful close to home! I struggle with the very same thing. I am impatient with my children and sharp with my husband. It is something that I definetely need to work on! I have been trying to “sing” even when I feel like yelling. It came from the Love and Logic book – and when I remember to do it, it does change the tone of everything!
Alejandra says
I am guilty of struggling with my words too! Unfortunately, my husband is the one at the receiving end. i was listening to a Kay Arthur broadcast focusing on James 1:19-20 and the importance to “speak and slow” to anger. It seems like my mouth has a mind of its own sometimes.
Andrea says
Wow, that’s me. I hate it when I hear it come out of me, but it’s always the people I love the most who get the brunt of it. Thanks for this really gentle, convicting reminder. I’m going to write this verse on my fridge 🙂
Jessica Turner says
Why is it that we hurt those closest to us? I know I am definitely guilty of this.
sk* says
Oh, I didn’t know I guest wrote a post today.
Christin says
Yes, my tone is a problem too. One I am actually seeking to fix! It’s on my goal list for 2011–my year of change, one thing at a time. I will be focusing a whole month on keeping my tone of voice gracious, even during discipline. I can be stern without being harsh. By the grace of God, we’ll make this happen!
Thank you for sharing your heart. Perhaps we can work on this together? I will be posting my goals on my blog and the steps to reach them, as simple as I can make them. 🙂 It’s time to take action! 🙂
Kristen says
It’s sounds like we have this in common- especially when it’s crunch time and everyone is moving too slowly.
The other day my son told a friend of mine that the only part of homeschooling he didn’t like was that sometimes mommy yelled at him. Right then my heart crumbled. Did I really yell that much? That night we made a pact that I would really try to stop yelling. He’s 9 so I told him he could help by really trying to be focused when I ask him to do something and I would try to be more patient. Well, with a conscience effort and continual prayer, we’ve gone a week and a half with no yelling. It’s a beautiful start.
Thank you for your honesty with this post, I know a lot of us can relate.
Kelly says
All my life I’ve been told “it’s NOT what you say Kelly, it’s HOW you say it.”
It’s taken me a very long time to finally get that and I learned it through my children. Our 7 year old is very quick witted and often gets play-on-words other children her age do not. It’s quite alarming to HEAR how you sound coming from your sweet child’s mouth.
My husband and I are working really hard not to raise our voices with the children. Again a lesson learned through our 4 year old who was having difficulty finding his “inside voice”.
I’m grateful I am not alone in the fact I am not perfect. 🙂
Jessica Turner says
I’ve heard that one too. 🙂
Galen Pearl says
From reading the preceding comments, it sounds like I am not the only one who recognized myself in your words today. Nice to know I’m in good company! I was so crabby the other evening–I don’t even know why. But I kept nagging and snapping at my daughter. I felt so terrible afterwards.
I heard a sermon awhile back about “speaking the blessing.” The pastor said that we can use our words to speak a blessing on those around us. I love that image. I don’t often live up to it, but it is a reminder to catch myself when I am speaking unkindly.
I also read recently about a question we can ask ourselves before we speak. Is what I’m about to say an improvement on silence? That might help me bite my tongue!
And when we fail? All we can do is apologize. I went to my daughter and told her I was in a crabby mood, that she had done nothing to deserve my tongue lashing, and that I was sorry. And she modeled God’s forgiveness by forgiving me.
Lora says
I love that question! I will definitely be using that one and sharing it with my kiddos. Thanks for sharing!
Lora says
I can’t even tell you how much this post hit me right between the eyes! This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life and now I see my oldest struggle with it too. I have been trying much harder to take a few deep breaths before snapping so that I can teach him by example. Thanks so much for this post!
Candy says
Wow, busted here, too. I tend to get “the tone” more readily toward the people I’m most comfortable with & who love me unconditionally – husband, kids, Mom. Why?? I love them best! I’m grateful they have called me out on it a few times, but I still don’t realize I’m being that way until “the tone” is followed by “the look.” Thank you for your transparency & further opening our eyes.
Jamie says
Were you at my house this morning? 😉
Guilty as charged. I am the one who takes the girls to school in the mornings and this morning my husband offered to take them. I guess my tone was that of “mama is losin’ it” one too many times.
Great reminder Jessica. I am going to print that Bible verse and post it ON MY FOREHEAD as a reminder!
Jessica Turner says
Will you make a copy for me? 🙂
Sarah says
I really get this, however my issue isn’t the tone so much as the sarcasm. Instead of really share what I want to say or need to say I come up with some witty sarcastic responce or statement… they cut deep I know! Thank you for the reminder to keep our mouth in check… In James it talks about how if we can learn to control our mouth we can control our whole body!!
Ramblings of a Woman says
Oh, yes, this is me too. My kids are young adults now, so I may not speak to them like I used to, however if I am honest, my tone is probably more condescending than I would like. Plus, I am going thru a personal struggle right now, healing from a mental meltdown, and I would like to use that as an excuse to not watch my words or tone. I am far enough along that I should be able to choose to speak kindly amd with respect.
Thank you for the reminder, painful though it is!
Bernice
http://bernicewood.wordpress.com/2010/09/10/i-made-a-mess/
Mel's Goin Goin Gone says
Yes! I too have struggled with my tone my whole life! It’s one of the reasons I remain quiet so often out in public because I know how I might come across. I try to hide it from my friends but I am not so gracious out in public, to people I don’t know. Often though, I am told I don’t come across as harshly as I think I do in my head… But I DO know I can be harsh at home for sure.
Shannon says
It’s rude to write about me without my permission! 😉
You know God’s trying to GET THROUGH TO YOU when every message/lesson/blog/Bible Study conversation is about similar topics. God wants to CHANGE MY HEART … which will lead to the CHANGING of my WORDS and TONE.
Now if only that change wasn’t so dag-nab HARD! Shooey. Okay … going to meditate on that verse today and TRY HARDER … while leaning on HIS GRACE.
Blessings to us all as we learn to adjust our tone and use our words to BLESS and BUILD, rather than curse and destroy!!
Teresa says
Tone is everything, isn’t it? Not just our words. I have to remind myself about this one constantly. 🙂
Jessica Turner says
Yes, its often tone+words that cut deeply.
Terri Lynn says
Yuck. I’m sure not liking that I have to add myself to this list of those needing a tone adjustment. But I’m sure grateful for this post. Thank you!
Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience says
You and Matthew and Elias… when I hear you all?
I hear the heart of Jesus…
More love than these thin letters can hold.
I love your words here… your heart after His.
((J))
Lydia says
Thank you for this post..it really hit home. I catch myself sometimes with the nastiest, most urgent and grouchy tone that I would never dream of using outside my home. What a great reminder.
Dani says
Today’s post really hit me to the core. It’s something that I have struggled with my whole life. Many, many arguments with my mom growing up were due to my tone. I know that I still have troubles with it, but continue to work on it (I think I do need to pray about it more and ask God to help me). Thank you for the timely message.
allison morrison says
Oh honey…you must live at my house! I so need to be mindful of my tongue…thanks for the reminder!
Susanne says
My husband and I both have a hard time controlling our tone of voice with each other and with others. We don’t mean to sound snarky but we do and I don’t like it. We both have to keep trying harder not to sound so snarky and to only speak with love to each other and with understanding with everyone else.
Jenni says
When you try to control things that are out of your control, you lose control of yourself.
This is often my biggest problem. My anger comes when things outside my control are not going as I would like (e.g. children moving too slowly in the morning, not getting their chores/responsibilities done, husband not doing things like I do, etc.). My words then are harsh, loud, often yelling. It seems that though I hate this about myself and wish I would change, I too often just keep on going on that direction instead of finding out how to change or even making the effort.
I do wish my husband would speak with grace to me as your husband did with you. He said it in such a way that you could hear his meaning–that he wants you to be better, to be more like Jesus; not that he was berating you or trying to make you feel bad for the way you spoke. My husband often does try to speak gracefully and in a way that is nonthreatening to me to help me see my error without being judgmental. But as all of us are wont to do, he occasionally fires right back with the same tone, which angers me more!
I’ve read many of the earlier posts and like many of them, my children often sound to each other or to me like I do to them. That’s the worst part. I’m teaching my children to speak hastily, hatefully, and with contempt in their voices. Oh, God, save me from this wretched pit of sinfulness!
Reese says
This makes my stomach upset. lol. -I was schooled on this last week, at work. Albeit, it was in email; i think you have to be even more careful in email “tone,” “flow,” “word choice.”
Although, I started the email “with all due respect,” the email tone/flow went downhill from there…..
Guilty, but forgiven. 🙂
Reese
gitz says
You know, I have to work on the tone IN MY HEAD. It doesn’t come out of my mouth often, but I THINK it. Which is just as bad. It still conditions my heart and that is never a good thing.
Hollie says
So much of my problem lies in the poor quality of the “meditations of my heart,” which too quickly become the words flowing out of my mouth and straight toward my family when I’m tired and/or frustrated. Thanks for the reminder of the importance and power of psalm 19:14.
Laura@life overseas says
What a great reminder. You are so right in that communication is about much more than just the words strung together, coming out of our mouths. It also means how we say them, what our hands and bodies and faces and eyes say, too.
What a good, practical reminder.
Thanks for sharing this, today . . .
Anneliese says
I’m sooooo bad at this! Like you, my problem isn’t so much what I say, but how I say it. I tend to sound much angrier and ruder than I’m feeling – especially to my parents and little sister =S
But as I’m seeking God, and aiming to be gentle and radiate His beauty, I’m getting there…slowly but surely 🙂
God bless.
Tracey says
Oh my goodness how I struggle in this area. I sometimes do hear myself and I think “What if my heavenly Father spoke to ME that way?”
Anne says
Thank you for this post. Once again I found myself from (in)courage blog post =). Sometimes – for example today and yesterday – my boyfriend noted me on my bossy, harsh words and tone. “Don’t talk like that!” Yeah, that’s not nice and now I realize it =(. And I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t done anything to remind myself to reflect God’s love through my words… I don’t know. But at least if I’m angry and feel like talking bad words I use softer, replacing swearing words which are actually funny =). So yes, I still remember every time that God doesn’t like me talking bad way.
Marie says
I am reminded once more of the Scripture “a soft tongue breaketh the bone” and challenged to keep a soft tongue and use it wisely.
Struggles | the red pumpkin says
[…] dirty (which I don’t handle well). Yesterday, I was catching up on Incourage and there was this article. I read several of the comments and just felt encouraged knowing that other Christians struggle […]
Luann says
can you elaborate on this part more? it stuck out to me, yet i don’t quite comprehend it..
“The very representation of God in our lives is often manifested in our words.”
Nell@LoveLetters says
This shot right to my heart, as I’m the same way. I often think that if I could just see myself , hear myself, like others do I’d often change my tone. I don’t do it to be hateful but it’s all too easy for my impatience or tiredness to creep into my voice and I know it’s something I must work on.