I wake to two little eyes focused on me. Little eyelashes growing long, coming to have a curl at the end. I see those eyes crinkle into the most quiet of grins, beckoning me to wake for the day. She doesn’t wake me with a cry but with a spirit-nudge. Each morning I gently open my own eyes, sure that it’s the sun and not the baby that woke me — and she’s there awake, waiting.We seem to always wake face to face, eyes focused on the future of our heart bond. She is my baby girl.
River Promise was born in October at our home to the quiet of a family waiting, longing, for a baby shaped hole in our hearts to be filled. Her name is unique, at least that is what people tell me. They don’t realize that God chose her name. That she is His promise, and had to be named as such. That after losing our first daughter, Mabel, who shone bright as a star and was knit in womb only to make her journey back to the heavens before even opening her eyes — we’d be blessed again. With a healthy baby girl. She who would represent Spirit, that proof and whole body truth that Emmanuel, indeed.
That Spirit, Living Water, flowing like a River – God chose her for this family, right now. She is the one who would fill that baby-shaped hole in our hearts, but we didn’t realize that the Mabel shaped hole would never be filled. As River grows, we miss Mabel more and more. We have three little boys who talk more about Mabel now than they have in months. And as we go through Mabel’s birthday this month – the second one since she was born {{how can it be?!}} – the bold truth is that loss is loss because it’s really lost. There is no replacement.
God’s promises are true and real and yet sometimes we mistake them for making up for something. For filling a hole in our lives. Each blessing is new and untarnished and can be received with freedom. The loss that tarnishes my heart won’t have to spread anywhere else, on any other blessing. On any other step in this life-journey. The blessing of River just is, she isn’t “because”.
If you hear God giving you a promise – do you believe it? Do you let yourself fall into the freedom of that promise?
I’d love to hear how God is fulfilling promises in your life.
***
By Arianne, from To Think Is To Create
ABOUT ARIANNE
Arianne is a freelance writer and mom of three boys and a baby girl, living in Charleston, South Carolina. She sifts through the dinosaurs and trains and fluffy cloth diapers to find her inner steel...
{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
This was an encouragement on an evening I have been feeling down. I miscarried our first child at Christmas and it seems that each day that goes by it hurts a little more. I feel bad when friends are announcing they’re expecting because I’m jealous – even though I really don’t want to be. I hope God is going to give us a little one, but I don’t know. Thank you though, for your uplifting words. Blessings…
Sarah-Anne,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know the ache and the longing and the seeming-jealousy. I’ve been there and I’ve wept as other families grew…not wishing away their joy, just the true need to acknowlege the void in my own.
May God wrap your mother-heart in His tenderness and give you outlets for the nurturing you have to give.
Missy
Hi Sarah-Anne,
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand all of your emotions. They are so natural. I lost 4 babies through miscarriage. It’s a hard process but the Lord is faithful and will comfort your heart. Praying for you today!
Jessica
Sarah-Anne,
Praying for showers of blessings upon your family as you grieve the loss! Loss of a loved one is never easy, especially an expected loved child.
May God surround you with His love, grace & Mercy as you travel this road!
YSIC
I”m so grateful you shared this here with us today. It is such a struggle, all these emotions. Your pain is still so fresh, be gentle with your heart. It’s ok to work out these feelings. I’m praying for you today, and so very sorry for the hurt. <3
((hugs)) I know it’s hard. I’ve had to struggle with that feeling of longing when my friends are pregnant and I want to be happy, but really I want a blessing like that, too. Praying for you, sweet Sarah-Anne!
Yes I do, if I hear God giving me a promise, I hold and cling to it. He is my strength. I just knew in my heart that everything will be alright for us.
I love this – yes! Cling to it! Remember it when the lies start to creep in. Thank you, Charina.
Thank you for your sharing. I’m holding on to some promises that seem so elusive each day. As I lay on my bed this morning I cried out to Him, asking Him where is the child He promised us. I think I’ve been losing hope but reading your words have lift my spirits and given me the push to hope and believe in Him, even when it seems like I’m waiting for the impossible.
I had to wait, too. It probably didn’t seem long compared to the wait others have had to endure, but when you think of it every day, even 6 months can feel an eternity. Holding on to that promise with you. xoxo
What a beautiful post, Arianne. It gives me hope at a crazy time in my life. I’m definitely not good about resting in God’s promises, but that may be just what I need.
The great thing about *resting* in His promises is that it’s just that – rest. May you find that peace during this crazy time, Audry. xoxo
I am working more and more to let myself fall freely into God’s promises and accept them with open arms. When I was struggling with my eating disorder I was not sure if I would be able to accept God’s promises ever again. Thank God that He rescued me. Due to my eating disorder, my husband and I spent a lot of time w/ fertility treatments to get pregnant and lost one baby in the process (a twin of the baby we are pregnant with now!). You are right that a loss is a loss no matter how you look at it. . . there is no replacement. But Praise Jesus that He is able to fill those holes/losses with a little bit of himself.
Absolutely, He fills all the cracks and crevices and holes to perfection. Thank you for sharing such a hard thing with us, praying for your pregnancy today. xoxo
This makes me cry. River is just precious.
I have a hard time believing God’s promises to me sometimes, although I have witnessed His favor many times. After a long road of trying to have a child, God blessed my husband and I with our sweet son. And when we tried to have a second, we miscarried at 12 weeks. But you know what I have learned? God never left our side. Never. I am now able to share my story with others that have been through infertility or miscarriage, and I can share my faith with those that are looking for answers in life.
I ache for your loss too, but how wonderful that you’ve stepped into faith and allowed God to use your experience for Him. It’s beautiful. xoxo
Beautiful!
She is a beautiful blessing and love how the Lord named her. Thank you for blessing us with your words, heart, and life! Love, Traci
Thank you Traci!
Oh I love that you honor the fact that losses cannot be replaced – they are woven into the fabric of our lives and hopefully shine more gratefulness for the gifts we do get to retain. I’m jealous of the morning glances – what a beautiful way to wake up!
I tell ya, it most definitely is a beautiful way to wake up! I never had a baby that woke so quietly. I am soaking it all up! :)
Ari, it never ceases to amaze me how God uses your words to heal and minister. I praise God for Mabel, River, and beautiful, amazing you. Love you!
Thank you sweets, you are so special to me and have been an encourager in my Mabel journey from the start. Look how far we’ve come! :)
Thank you for sharing this. So beautifully expressed. I lost 4 babies through miscarriage and although I have two miracle children now, I often still feel the sting of those losses. But the Lord has fulfilled his promise of motherhood in my life because he is faithful. River is so precious. Blessings to your family!
Thank you Jessica, hugs to you!
Beautiful. Yes! There is no replacing what is lost, just healing that leaves the most beautiful of remembering spaces. I lost my newborn son some years ago and the daughter that followed was blessing but not replacement. Each life makes its mark no matter how short a life. That is the beauty and the pain of loss. We are left forever touched and changed.
Such wise words, thank you Kristin. I’m thinking of you and all your babies today, praying for continued healing. xoxo
Beautiful post! River is georgous! Your family is blessed!
At times I struggle to believe the promises of God–to fully believe heart & mind. They seem so far off–in time & place. I just keep praying & searching. Knowing that He is in Control of this Universe & each of our lives!
I know, Beth. I struggle too. It’s amazingly brave sometimes just to trust, isn’t it?
First off your post was just beautiful. Second, your baby girl is just adorable I love her chubby little cheeks. I have never lost a baby. I do however remember when I was first found out that I was pregnant my OB sent me to see a neurologist because I have eplipsy (that is very controlled). I remember sitting in the chair across from her and the first and only words I remember coming out of her mouth was to tell me that I had no right getting pregnant since I had epilipsy and that I should not have the baby. My heart sank all I could think of was what have I done and started crying. My husband just looked at her and asked her how could she say something so mean. We left her office and went straight back to my OB doctor and when we told him what happen he was so upset with the other doctor. He looked straight at me and said you know people with epilipsy have babies all the time and it is going to be fine. He was right I had a healthy baby boy. He is my heart and I love him dearly. I also know that he was sent to me and my husband from God. By the way that neurologist was wrong I never had a problem with my seizures during my pregnancy. What Satan used to try to hurt me God used for good.
Thank you for sharing your story Tracy! I’m so glad you did. xoxo
Yes, thank you for sharing.
Psalm 16:11 You will show me the path of life. In your presence is fullness of Joy. At your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
This is my life verse. I am strengthened, encouraged and driven by the promise of fullness of life despite the sorrows and pain a day might bring or the “treasures” this fallen world takes from me.
Oh, Ari. My heart, my heart. Yes.
I love you and your girleens.
They (and I) love you back. <3
First, I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Mabel.
I could never ever imagine what that must be like and it is a pain that I would not wish on anyone.
But, I so rejoyce in your celebration of spirit that God has given for you.
Not instead of, but in addition to.
Thank you Kaitlin :)
Promises take faith to believe, and I just pray he helps my unbelief.
Love you, Ari. This is right on.
I believe, help my unbelief! That verse rises to the top more often than not. Thank you, sister.
You have profoundly touched my heart with your lovely words, Arianne. God has filled my baby-sized holes, not with my other children (You are so right, my four living children are not “because”!), but with His undying, unimaginable love. His promises are true and enough: through His grace all will be made right in Christ and His plan is best. I must cling to that! In this often sad, sin-filled world, what else is there?
You are so right Julie, thank you. I’m so honored my words stirred you today. xoxo
A lovely and true post. The holes are always there – and the light can shine through them, as it has through your pierced mama’s heart with these words. Children cannot replace each other like a new pair of jeans. Each one is unique – and when we lose one, that loss is forever. Your new beautiful baby girl is her very own conduit to the grace of God, nobody else’s, not even her sister’s. Love to you all as you continue to love River, to grieve Mabel and to knit yourselves together as a newly formed family.
Such beautiful soul-balm words, Diana. Thank you. xoxo
Achingly beautiful: “The blessing of River just is, she isn’t “because”.
The stars are shining bright over the cabin tonight.
I remember and I don’t know where two years go.
I love you.
Where do they go? We blink and it’s like time stood still and then suddenly fast forwarded to the now. Love you back. xoxo
What a beautiful baby! And what a lovely post. I don’t have any children, but I do long for them. I have no idea what God will have in store for me, but I know He will be there and except on my most rebellious days, that’s really what I need.
Always there, yes Amy! Thank you.
“the bold truth is that loss is loss because it’s really lost. There is no replacement.”
Thank you for that sentence.
Hugs to you, Donna. xoxo
Your words spoke directly to my heart tonight. My daughter Paige was stillborn in August 2010. My heart aches to be with her every day. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with our precious son Mason. But he will never replace her. He is just a new blessing in our family. Thank you for sharing. It helped me to feel not so alone.
Oh sweet hugs to you, long and lingering to have a minute to whisper graces to you, friend. xoxo
Thanks for the sharing. I think it applies to many different sort of losses. After all the pressure from ‘well meaning people’ saying that God will “replace” the lost time, it feels so good to have someone understand “loss is loss because it’s really lost. There is no replacement” – that nothing can give me back the precious time between 13 and 20 that my illness took away. Yet, that there is something new waiting for me gives me hope to go on. Thank you for speaking hope into my heart.
Joyce, you framing it this way just blessed me so as I slipped in here to see if there were any new notes left on this post. Thank YOU. I’m so grateful for your perspective. <3
What a beautiful-touching letter to your daughter, great way to start the day. I know the feeling of seeing the bright happy smile of your baby, she doesn’t wake with a cry but with smile. So pure, I am lucky to experience that thanks to my little girl.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sometimes, your words seem to come straight from my heart, in ways that take me to a deeper reflection, so thank you.
The promise—me and my husband have been waiting for years, to hold our very own child in our arms. I’ve been waiting my whole life. The kind of love that you and others talk about (mother & child), I’ve longed to be able to understand even if I was never gifted with a child. However, the promise—it is coming. We were chosen by our birth mom a couple of months ago and our LITTLE GIRL is due in a few weeks. God’s miraculous PRESENT HAND has been all over her story and ours, forcing us to look no where but The One. I’ve thought this blessing I’m about to receive as being a “because”, but I’ believe you are on to something. It doesn’t have to be a because (even though that can help me rationalize at times)—it can be a “just is”. So Thank you!
I pray for those still waiting on their child. It’s a hard road to walk (& crawl at times). However, the years of waiting changed me and how I see myself through God’s eyes. I’ve had so much more time to really seek His Heart, and for that I’m not only grateful but it saved my life- literally.
I have chills reading this – I wonder now how close to holding your baby you are? If you pop in here again, I do hope you’ll share. I’m elated and in awe of you, what a journey, what an immense gift you are about to unwrap. Praying for you and your baby and her birth mama who gave her life so that you might raise her soul. xoxo