I read this book called, The Cure.
It opened me wide and took me back to the gospel; it’s taking me back to how desperate I am for friends.
For real, vulnerable, come-as-you-are community. I want that. I need it. I’m asking God for it.
I watched 500 Days of Summer and there was a scene of a few co-workers/friends in a bar talking and laughing and singing karaoke and I yearned for that. For the fun and the real; the laughter. It wasn’t about the bar or the drinking, it was about the connection these friends had.
In The Cure the authors talk about living mask free, being authentic with all our ugly. Not that we boast in the ugly or want the ugly, but that we don’t hide the ugly away pretending it doesn’t exist. It is so easy to tuck away the sin; the things we are ashamed about. The secrets that haunt us at night as we’re falling asleep. When we keep it in the dark, it’s power over us grows. But when we expose it to the light, and we let people into our ugly, and we trust people (even when it aches), sin loses it’s power. We let people love us. Grace-light banishes the dark.
And we can be free.
I want that kind of freedom with friends, with community.
So here’s a secret, my friends, my community. I struggle with intimacy. I have walls a million miles thick with my husband. Even kissing is hard; sometimes kissing is the hardest. When oneness is supposed to be beautiful and filling, I struggle with feeling dirty. Sometimes I want to scream, and sometimes I just cry quietly. Sometimes I’m okay, and love is good, but other times it chokes me.
In order to be intimate I need to escape myself, put myself in other places in my mind. I have to go away and become something else; I am replaced. It’s how I cope, sometimes.
But I’m in counseling, and I’ve talked to God about it and He knows I can’t fix me. I’m undone. But He weaves together, and I trust Him in this darkness because He is light.
I’m open wide and I like it because I can feel the breeze. I won’t stay locked up in the dark, and I won’t hide. I’ll let the Holy Spirit blow through this woman and do the work.
By Sarah Mae, SarahMae.com