While itching under my arm, I felt a lump. I thought it was my imagination at first. It turned out to be my worst nightmare.
Tests soon revealed I had breast cancer.
Not all breast cancer is the same. In fact, every breast cancer different. Some require a lumpectomy and/or radiation. Others are more severe. My course of treatment involved more than a year of chemotherapy, radiation, and many surgeries.
The gruesome details still bring me to tears.
My life hasn’t turned out like I expected. Maybe yours hasn’t either.
Maybe you believed “I do” meant forever. Until life took an unsuspecting turn.
You picked out the name for the baby who never took its first breath.
Perhaps there’s an empty seat, an empty bedroom, an empty bed of the one who is never coming back.
The future can start to feel flimsy. Our wills become wobbly. Our confidence becomes rickety.
Sometimes the future can look bleak, even completely black.
That’s when God whispers the promise:
“I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” {Isaiah 45:3}
Whenever life doesn’t turn out like we expect, our illusions shatter. The niceties we tell ourselves burst. The false myths we believe are exposed.
This is a painful, horrendous process.
Yet the gift of darkness is that it forces us to squint for God.
And that’s when we find Him. The Ultimate Treasure. The Holy Beautiful One.
This journey has been the most painful experience of my life. And, to share about it requires some vulnerability. Okay, a lot of vulnerability. And, that’s really, really hard. But I feel like I’m finally ready to share what God has stirred in my heart along the way because although cancer has been the most painful journey—it has also been the most joyful. And no one is more surprised than I am.
Fight Back With Joy is the most vulnerable book and Bible study I’ve ever written, and maybe it’s because it originally started it as a very different book.
Two years before I was diagnosed, I became obsessed with the more than 400 references of joy in Scripture and just before my diagnosis I began the finishing touches on a book on joy. Then I got the phone call that changed my life forever.
I had to scrap the entire project because I couldn’t imagine how I could possibly talk about something as fluffy as joy in the midst of the darkness I felt. Up until that time, I had been searching for joy in the relatively good times of life. But, after cancer, I started to read those Scriptures so differently.
I discovered facets of joy that no one ever taught me—more than whimsy, joy is a weapon we can use to fight life’s battles.
The thing is, no one signs up for that discovery project—finding joy in suffering. No one. I’ve never felt so surefooted on my path to a joyful life. I know now that without shadows, joy can feel shallow. But, when we can discover joy while in the fight of our lives—no matter what that is—it is lasting.
Everyone who has faced a challenge, or who knows someone in the midst, needs to know that suffering doesn’t win. Joy wins.
My prayer is that this book will be beacon for anyone searching for HOW to fight darkness.
My prayer is that this book will be a beacon for anyone ABOUT to face a battle.
My prayer is that this book will be a beacon for anyone IN the fight of their lives.
My prayer is that this book will be a beacon for anyone who has crawled THROUGH the trenches.
And the joy that can only be found with Him.
Today, if your future feels flimsy, know that you are not alone. Even in this you can fight back with joy.
I stand beside you. With you. Committed to peer into the darkness until we discover the treasures God has for us.
[linebreak]
A self-described “hot mess,” Margaret Feinberg is a popular Bible teacher at churches and leading conferences. She lives in Morrison, Colorado, with her husband, Leif, and their superpup, Hershey. She believes some of the best days are spent in her jammies, laughing, and being silly. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Her book and Bible Study, Fight Back With Joy: Celebrate More. Regret Less. Stare Down Your Greatest Fears, releases January 6, 2015. Pre-order a copy today.
Leave a Comment
Laura Rath says
I’m fighting tears just from reading this post. Joy and happiness are so often confused, with the words being used interchangeably. But they are so very different. Joy is not dependent on my circumstances or those around me. Joy is deep. Joy is found in the Lord. And joy in Him can be found even in the worst of circumstances. Everyone has a different “something” they are going through. For me, this year, it has been my daughter’s health. It’s been a long year and I know this path continues into 2015. But…there is Light in the darkness and joy can be found in and with Him. Thank you Margaret.
God bless,
Laura
Margaret Feinberg says
Sweet Laura, thank you for reading. Wanted you to know that you and your daughter are thought of, prayed for, and loved.
Huge hug,
Margaret
Beth Williams says
Laura Beth,
Prayers for you and your daughter! Prayers for healing to come! May God bless you and give you His grace & mercy to see you through this trial!@
(((((Hugs)))))
ro elliott says
I have been greatly blessed by reading and following your journey in these past years… I love the way you mine deeply for those hidden treasures… preparing the path for us to dig deeply as well… and yes yes to this line… “I know now that without shadows, joy can feel shallow. But, when we can discover joy while in the fight of our lives—no matter what that is—it is lasting.” and surefooted we can be!!! Blessings and continued prayers to you!!!
Margaret Feinberg says
Ro, you have been such an incredible cheerleader for me over the last few years. Wildly grateful for you. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Diane | An Extraordinary Day says
I’ve liked to think of myself as a joy-splasher. For too many years now we’ve struggled with disappointment and yet I’ve stepped forward each day anticipating God to do something that only he can do. Recently… my hope has run dry. Not because my HOPE can’t or won’t, but because I’m just plain tired of the hoping. Each day, I still do something to encourage and splash others with HIS joy… it’s probably the one thing that keeps me from drowning. That less of us for more of him and others. But, my personal joy has been elusive lately. Thanks for the reminder to fight for it, Margaret. I so needed this today.
Blessings… and all the best for a most JOYous Christmas!
Margaret Feinberg says
Diane, even on days where my joy seems the most deflated, I’ve found that giving joy away is a way to boost my joy-o-meter up a notch. Rejoicing when it doesn’t make sense. Offering joy in the form of cookies to nurses, balloons to fellow patients, and sharing a hug, even when I don’t feel like it. Somehow, along the way, one of the best ways to receive joy is to give it away.
Huge hug,
Margaret
Beth Williams says
Diane
Prayers for your joy to come flooding back to you immensely this Christmas! May you feel God swooping down to give you a hug beneath His wings! Prayers for a better 2015!
Thanks for always encouraging others! I find that helps me feel a little more joy!
(((((Hugs)))))
Blessings!
Tammy says
Hello Margaret,
After reading your post, I can’t tell you how much many of the words you wrote helped to stir “sparkles of hope and joy” back in me. I had almost lost both.
I am in the midst of trying to re-gain employment after (making the mistake ) of not waiting on the Lord to change a stressful and demoralizing work environment (or help me to endure it), and made the decision to walk away.
Over the past 4 months since I resigned from this job of 9 years, I have not been able to find permanent work, and my savings have almost been depleted. I have prayed, pleaded, begged the Lord to open up another full-time, permanent job for me in a good place. I thought that I might finally be turning the corner when a contracted assignment opened up for me back in October 2014, but it only lasted a month.
I know that God does not always “get us out of messes that we get ourselves into”, but I have been struggling to understand why He has not answered my prayers for work, if He knows it is needed.
I know my current struggles are nothing in comparison to what you have been enduring, and I will continually pray for you always. Please pray for me too as I press on to learn how “to keep fighting back with joy”, no matter how hard it has been to do so at times.
God Bless,
Tammy
Margaret Feinberg says
Sweet Tammy,
Praying for oodles and oodles of sparkles of hope and joy to rain down as you continue your job search. May God astound you around every corner!
Huge hug, Margaret
Beth Williams says
Tammy,
Prayers for a great job in 2015! May you find and keep God in the midst of this trial! Know that God will answer your prayers in His time–not ours! May He give you hope and joy immensely! God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform!
(((((Hugs)))))
Blessings!
Valerie says
Margaret,
I admire your insightful writing and how you always are looking for the spark and joy and wonder, no matter what you’re going through. I know your words will inspire us and I’m praying for health and blessings for you in the upcoming year!
Margaret Feinberg says
Thank you sweet, Valerie. Wishing you a Merry Christmas!
Penny says
Ever since my husband’s affair, I’ve struggled to find joy. Sometimes I hear it in other people’s voices, or in the refrain of a song. I want to feel it in my heart again. I keep praying.
Margaret Feinberg says
Sweet Penny, my prayer is that God will splash joy all around you this Christmas season. Huge hug, M
Beth Williams says
Penny,
prayers that you would find joy and peace! May God rain down oodles of joy for you in 2015! Christmas is such a hard time for many people. Prayers that you can enjoy this Christmas, be still and wait expectantly for Jesus to come!
(((((Hugs)))))
Margaret Berardinelli says
Margaret:
I just ordered your book… Read the title and knew it was for me! Some days I feel like I am sinking beneath the waves of the mess I’ve made of my life… And, I need to fight back, I need joy, I need to celebrate more, I need to regret less, AND I need to stare down my greatest fears!
Please know that your words here, on this page, are also a beacon and I can’t wait to read your entire book.
Thank you for sharing what was certainly a very private & difficult time in your life.
May our Lord continue to bless you beyond your wildest dreams ❤️❤️❤️!
In His Love,
Margaret Berardinelli
Margaret Feinberg says
Margaret- your note brought a huge, beaming smile to my face today. Thank you, friend.
Brenda says
Margaret,
Thank you for sharing honestly and openly about your painful journey. I admire you and hope that I could find joy in my darkness. My husband left me a year ago with no real explanation other than “he’s not made for marriage.” I’ve fought for my marriage for the last year and no results other than more pain and agony. I find myself having a hard time finding joy with feelings of rejection and betrayal. Sometimes I think it’s mind over matter, but I look at God’s word and know that it’s more than that. It’s God’s power living inside of me. But I still struggle with having joy. I can’t wait to read your book for insight.
Margaret Feinberg says
Brenda,
Praying for you, friend. May the God of hope and joy wrap his loving arms around you.
Huge hug, M
Beth Williams says
Brenda,
Prayers for you this Christmas! May God give you tons of hope and joy this season! Also may He swoop down and have you feel His wings surround you with a great big hug!
(((((Hugs)))))
Tyra says
Margaret,
I am looking forward to the book. My joy filled praise is my weapon. In my head I can hear Martha Munizzi singing “I will not defeated. I will not be destroyed. My praise is my weapon. The battle isn’t yours.” Thank you in advance for highlighting this truth. I expect the book will be “meat” to feast on. Maybe God continue to fill you with his joy.
Margaret Feinberg says
“My praise is my weapon.” LOVE- That’s going to be stuck on replay all day today. Thanks, Tyra.
Brenda says
Thank you for your encouraging words. In my 60 years of living, I have found joy through pain over and over. It seems to be the tool that God uses in my life. I am going through a painful time now with a daughter whose marriage is for all practical purposes…over. Hearts are breaking, but through it all we know that our God can and will make all things good and bring us closer to Himself. Your book sounds really wonderful. I think I will just have to order it! Thank you again!
Margaret Feinberg says
Sweet Brenda, today, I’m praying for you and your daughter during this difficult season. May God splash you with his grace and love.
Katie Reid says
Thank you Margaret for this valuable offering laid at His feet and before our eyes. Thank you for holding fast through the horrible and standing on the Rock of your salvation through the hard.
Margaret Feinberg says
Humbled and honored, Katie.
Alexis says
I am so looking forward to reading this book and thank you so much for your wisdom and transparency. I need joy….being married to an alcoholic has taken it’s toll on me…I’m just tired and I worry about my future. This book looks like it would be just right for me. Thanks!!!
Margaret Feinberg says
Huge hug to you, Alexis. Merry Christmas!
Paulette says
As I read your comments, my heart leapt and I was overwhelmed because I am not alone. I have been there and have gone through. Joy was not the word that came to mind at the time but reading your post brought the utmost joy to my heart and I don’t regret the tears that filled my eyes or the emotions felt deep in my soul. My endless crawls through those long trenches. But in the midst of it all God gave me a peace that I cannot fathom but only to say I am eternally grateful for my relationship with HIM. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Margaret.
Margaret Feinberg says
Can’t wait for you to read the book, Paulette.
muchalone says
Thank you for sharing such personal parts of your journey. I love reading about the ways God redeems our experiences, and bringing us into a place where loss becomes gain.
Your message of joy and hope are wonderfully encouraging!
Margaret Feinberg says
So honored. Thank you for reading.
Brooke Leigh says
I have been fighting for joy for the past 5 years. I feel totally alone.
Margaret Feinberg says
Brooke, right now, I’m praying that God would wrap his loving arms around you. That you would find yourself astounded by God’s fierce love for you. Huge hug, Margaret
kim bryan says
I came across your article as I’m sitting in my car getting ready to head to my first oncology appointment try to found a lump in my arm about 5 weeks ago even before that and it’s now had surgery on that lumpectomy and what not but I think you for this message is for the hope that you provide just the simple words that you give and that joy wins and we are to fight back with joy has been the mints help thank you so very much I look forward to seeing your book out thank you very much God bless you Margaret I did see you last January in Monterey California who knew that you would mean so much to me nearly a year later
Margaret Feinberg says
Sweet, Kim.
You are thought of. You are prayed for. You are loved.
Huge hug from one joy-warrior to another,
M
Sheree says
I’m ordering your book. I was connected to your story from the beginning. I’ve been digging deep for the last six months for that same joy, pulling out every Scripture I can and saying them before I fall asleep. Crushing the idols I’ve been holding up and letting the Lord take their place. I am a finally able to say I am thankful for this time because I am drawing closer to Him but the joy, real joy, the joy of the Lord that is my strength has escaped me. He is what sustains me and I know that His joy will once again return to this daughter of His. Thank you for your story and your obedience to complete this book, I’m sure that it will bless many.
Thanking God for you!
Margaret Feinberg says
Sheree- Rejoicing with you, friend. Can’t wait for you to read.
Monica says
Mrs. Feinberg
What a beautiful post!! As I read, I thought “she is actually peering into my life!” Im currently engaged in fighting breast cancer. I’ve had four surgeries in two months time and began Chemotherapy on December 3rd. One round down and three to go. Through my journey, thus far, each day brings twists, turns, and challenges BUT I thank God for each day and try to simply lean in and trust Him! I cannot wait to purchase your book! May God continue to bless and keep you.
Margaret Feinberg says
From one joy warrior to another, praying for you, Monica. Huge hug.
Beth WIlliams says
Margaret
Thank you for sharing your story. It can be soo hard to find joy in the midst of darkness of any kind. I’ve had a kind of “dark” year dealing with my aging dad moving into assisted living, medication issues and 4 ER visits, plus hubby nearly losing his job & having 2 job changes within same company. All that mixed with my job that changed such I didn’t like it and wanted to qui.
Through it all I’ve fought to find moments of simple joy. They are out there it just takes time & work to find them. Perhaps next year will be a much better one for everyone!
Prayers for all my sisters in Christ here!
Blessings 🙂
Margaret Feinberg says
Beth, praying for you during this difficult season. May God continue to wrap you in his love and splash you with his joy.
Huge hug,
M