I didn’t want to be the best. That wasn’t the goal, not really. I wanted to be important, appreciated, valued, liked, loved, and chosen, but not the best.
Add “big” to that list. I wanted to be big, too.
Me and my self-righteousness are sitting in my room in my small town called Dundas, twenty years old, and I’ll admit I haven’t done a lot of living. But I’ve been hoping for a long time — a decade at least, hoping for things that are probably too earthly. Dreaming for awhile too, of Paris and New York and Italian gelato and skipping down ancient Greek streets.
I wanted to be important, and appreciated, and valued, and liked, and loved, and chosen, and big.
When all those things came to being, when people would hear my name and instinctively know who I am, I would finally be fulfilled. This has always been something I’ve struggled with — if we want to use the word struggle so lightly. I wanted to be known in a way I almost ached for.
I wanted to go places, meet people, create art, create stories, and most days I feel like I’m wasting myself away, sitting here in this room, sitting here at this desk.
The feeling of rejection has been my companion, many times over. I’ve heard people say it’s like a sting, but for me it was more a slow burn, the kind you don’t quite feel at first but then gradually you do. It burns down past the flesh and the muscle, to that place you don’t want it to reach. But somehow it does.
I honestly didn’t want to be the best at anything. But I did want to be important.
I remember the words Shauna Niequist spoke. She said, “We long to be loved, but we settle for being important.” I think of her words often, knowing the truth of them had seeped into my core, nestling in my insecure heart I don’t enjoy admitting.
This life I had thirsted after — this big and flashy, dazzling life — was one I convinced myself day after day was the key and centre to my fulfillment. You know that’s not true. Maybe I did too.
I am known, yes.
I am chosen. Indeed.
I am loved and liked, valued and appreciated.
Important? Maybe. Not always. Not usually.
Big? I’ve started to pray against it.
I don’t need to be big, and that is the truth. I couldn’t handle it — no human can. I am small, and most days quivering beneath the uncertainty of my worth. But I will bow before the God who created me, forming me from dust and ribs, and I’ll long to be loved, and I am loved. And I’ll long to be important, and I will read:
“You, beloved, are worth so much more than a whole flock of sparrows. God knows everything about you, even the number of hairs on your head.”
{Matthew 10:30, The Voice}
When rejection comes (which it surely will), when I feel like I am wasting my life away by writing here in Canada instead of off in France or Rome, when I yearn for big and bright and exotic — I will burn a candle and watch the dancing light, pray for a piece of holy peace to fill my innermost parts, the sad and seemingly empty places, and I will ask for a small fulfillment, the kind only God can instill.
And then, I will wait.
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Bev Duncan says
Aliza, “We long to be loved, but we settle for being important”. When I was roughly your age, I had a list of accolades a mile long. I was BGOC (Big girl on campus). I was big, but you know what? I ached to feel loved. I longed to be known and accepted just for being me – not the person people thought I was. Anyone can be big…but not everyone can feel loved. The fact that you know that the God of the Universe loves you beyond measure is something most people long for. Maybe one day soon you will get to travel to far away places and you’ll get to carry the love of Christ with you. Can’t beat that combo?! You are big in that you speak in such a beautiful way to people’s hearts. You have a gift that this broken world truly needs. Be encouraged little girl…you are BIG in God’s eyes!!
Blessings,
Bev xx
jan Loyd says
This is so good…I love the thought that no one could handle “being big,” whatever that means 😉 We are loved with an everlasting love…more than enough for me today! Blessings, dear sister! Thank you for sharing! Jan at http://www.abranchinthevine.com
Meg says
This is something I’ve definitely struggled with too. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. And you’re right, as much as I’ve dreamed about being big, it’s not something any of us can really handle.
motherhawk86 says
I’ve struggled with this a lot lately as every day there are scary headlines running through my news feed, and new terrors erupting everywhere on the globe. When I graduated high school in 2004, I was dreaming of taking on the world, then I went to college, finished, married, had a child, dealt with my husband’s job loss and now, at 28, I’m simply feeling crushed and defeated. The mundane tasks of each day wear me down, and I feel trapped and unable to change the world, or myself. But what I am realizing is, despite what the president says or does, despite what is going on in the Middle East, despite everything–I am just one person, but very, very loved. It’s tough to grasp that love sometimes. I cannot do it alone, never apart from Him. I tend to worry and every day in the past two years I’ve felt afraid. It’s too big for me. I’m learning to lean on what He wants for me, whatever I’m perfectly made for. Healing my country? Protecting the world? That’s His arena, not mine. This was such a perfect thing to read this morning. Thanks!
Beth Williams says
Don’t feel crushed, and defeated. You are loved by almighty God and he sees all the mundane tasks you do to shower your family with love. Just lean into God and rely on Him to sustain you. He will be your guide and stay!
Praying for you and your family!
Monica says
I enjoyed your writing very much. Touched my heart. What you feel is unlike so many of us. No matter what our age. (I’m old!) You will be BIG in the kingdom of God if you put Him first always. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and these things will be added unto you! He will give you your hearts desire. <3
Kelli says
What stopped me in my tracks was your line “most days I feel like I’m wasting myself away, sitting here in this room, sitting here at this desk.” Wow, did you take that line from my heart? I’m in my fourth year of graduate school with an end in sight but spend most of my days at my desk slowly working away unsure what the fruit of my work will be. I often find myself wondering if my work is important to God and what a lie it is to believe that! But to pray against the desire to be big. Whoa. Thank you for that. Oh that He might increase, so that we will decrease.
Mary Carver says
All right, Aliza, either you are wise beyond your years…or I am wise, um, behind (?) my years. Because I struggle with this so much. Struggle. I love how you said that word is too small. Yes. So true!
Loved As If says
Wow! This is absolutely spot on. God is purifying your desires and making you so much more than “big.” It’s lovely to be along for the journey.
Forgraceandpeace says
I pray for you all and so many souls in the midst of our busy crowded lonely population to feel God’s presence right now. Right where you are. He is there beside you holding you. He is speaking words to your heart right now. Stop. Breathe. Close your eyes and feel His love. Just stop and listen to your Holy Father. He speaks to you in the silence. He loves you. He wants you to feel his love.
Elisa K. says
Thanks for the reminder and encouragement.
I can relate to the feelings you write about. And I definitely have prayed and longed for inner holy peace to completely fill me up. I was hopeful about things I wanted to do. But since it is getting deferred, I had started to feel the slow burn in my heart and thinking and empty aching and sick feeling for me, in my belly. I keep trying to be patient. And then I cry out to God, why I keep feeling so impatient? Why don’t I trust in You, like I used to when I was born again? Then I remember the answers I learned before in past experiences.
I keep refocusing, and choosing to believe the promises of God will happen for me. I will break free of one personal issue. I will learn to stand firm in the Armor of God when I need to. And I will learn to manage my emotional disorder well. I will become a pastry baker and use my creative and artistic desire to create. It’s just taking time because for a time I am not earning enough to cover some of my basic expenses. And I am still job searching for a second part time, or full time job. So I can practice and master the skills I need to bake well.
Slowly but surely. I will get there. I choose to entrust myself to God. Even though I am so scared of failing, etc.
Lovelle Ellen Gerth says
Sometimes I feel the same way. My grandma always tells me, “it’s not one big thing you do. It’s all the little things you do that are quiet and unseen that make a difference in people’s lives. Those are the most important.” I try to remember that whenever I feel like I’m not doing good enough.
Courtney Cole says
Amen, amen, amen. I struggle with this, too, this desire to matter. I want my time here, my life here, my faith here to count for something. Too often, I believe the lie that all of the time I have invested in this life hasn’t been fruitful in any manner. But to be loved by the Creator of the Universe? To be lovingly placed in His plan? To be thought up in His mind and knit together by His hand? We matter. We have to. Thanks for the beautiful reminder.
Mary says
I read Dundas and thought of a city in Minnesota where we deliver with the semi. Yes, we all long to be loved. Thankfully our Father, our Abba, loves us more than we can imagine. What a great write! thanks
tracey@waterintowine says
So pleased you are writing away there in Canada rather than off in France or Italy. Your words are deep and beautiful, laden with truth and honey to my soul today. Thank you
Beth Williams says
Aliza,
I used to want the excitement of travel and sight seeing being “big and known”. The older I get the more I just want to be loved, cherished and cuddled. I wouldn’t mind living on a huge farm away from most people out there in the quiet with just me, God, hubby & Tiny my iguana.
You have a special talent that speaks volumes to women everywhere, especially young women. They get to hear you speak of God’s love for you and us. Maybe one day God will send you to big city where you can spread the gospel!
Blessings 🙂
HeartsHomeward says
What a voice you have! I know this longing and you expressed it eloquently and transparently and with grace and maturity. Thank you for this post. We come so close to what we thought we wanted and we realize it doesn’t hold what we longed for after all. The good news is that God is lavish and He hears the true desires beneath the veneer we sought and He plans all along to fill those and then some – in Him. I look forward to hearing more of what you write in the future. It is better to touch a heart than to speak to thousands. You touched mine.
Marty says
Love this post. You have a gift with the way you use your words to share and describe and illuminate…and ENCOURAGE. It’s a good thing you are doing there…at your desk…in Canada.
Deborah Wedekind says
As a singer/songwriter I’ve longed for some of those same things: to feel important, noticed, successful, liked, admired. But that’s not what should motivate us as artists though. Fame is fleeting, fortune is fickle, and only real love endures forever. We all have to remember that our gifts are not our own, they are from God who’s love for us is everlasting. Thanks Aliza for writing with such honesty and truth.
Shanda Scherdin says
To be significant in the small is a beautiful thing, indeed.